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Thread: Incompatibility

  1. #1
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    Incompatibility

    I think I'm incompatible with my bf. We're totally different about... everything (music, hobby, friends, lifestyle, interest, field of education, so on), but so far it's only brought us joy.

    And the fact that we see eachother quite rarely; one day, two tops did help in keeping that mystery alive.

    Last week he decided to come to my place and stay for more than 2 nights. I had a lot of work to do these days... well, it was weird. No, I didn't like it. I hated it to be honest. Loathed it.

    We're about to celebrate one year soon and I start thinking about stuff like maybe we're both waisting our times. Sure, there's love, but right now, I'm pissed and don't feel too "lovey dovey".

    I'm asking what's the point of stayin with someone if I don't honestely think I'll ever move in with him? I know that I shall change my mind, like I'll see him, some time will pass etc etc., love is in the air!

    F*ck, I really don't like this!

  2. #2
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    opposites attract. Hubby and I have hardly anything in common and we've been together for 15 yrs. now. Being opposites keep us alive. Doesn't work for everyone though.

    Perhaps him staying with you for more then 2 days and you not liking that is a sign of something. You yourself only knows what you should do about your relationship. Sometimes you have to listen to your logic and not your heart.

    I think what I would do is try that one more time and if I felt that way still, then I would break it off or something. Time is precious and you're still so young, why waste your time if you know it's not going to work. Have you talked to him about how you're feeling? Maybe that would help if you did also.

    Good luck!
    Life is what you make of it. Make it happen.

  3. #3
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    Thank you, star. I don't know, I'm a bit itchy these days. I'll wait and think about this.

    To tell you the ruth, franckly, after my ex and I broke up (we lived together a couple of years) I doubt I'll ever want to move in with a man again.

    I'm a bit puzzled.

    Thanks again for your input.

  4. #4
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    Doesn't work for everyone though.
    You're right there, star it doesn't.

    I remember years ago, coming to this realization, and timidly mentioning that I didn't think we had much in common to Delilah, (knowing that she had invested a couple of years with me, I expected more than a unpleasent "pissed and don't feel too 'lovey dovey'" response).

    This was even before we were married, but it has been a reocurring theme for the past 15 years. Her response was and is more denile than anger "you are wrong, we have things in common," she always says, before listing one or two things that are so minor I cannot even recall them as I write this post.

    Anyway, there are also times when I've appreciated our diversity, and can see where it may have brought strength to our union. I suppose, in the final analysis, we need to find someone who enriches our lives, because they share our interests and can enhance our experiences, AND (not or) because they have other interests that we might sample.

    Not an easy thing to find, eh, Twinkle?

    Maybe that's why I settled then for the small commonality that Delilah and I initially shared that has grown many times (through having children). In fact this is the purpose for some couples to have kids. Perhaps we are an example?

  5. #5
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    I have very mixed feelings about how important having similar interests is. I've been in a very long relationship with someone very different to me and for most of that time it worked well. Opposites do attract. If you are content to pursue different interests apart, it can lead to a very rich life with the relationship at the core. The problem is that over time, as you age and change, the area of commonality may become so small that you end up leading separate lives. This is a particular risk after having children, when most couples find that quality time together is reduced.

    On balance, I'd say relationships between opposites may succeed but those that are more compatible have a stronger chance of staying together.

  6. #6
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    That's my point, Meanon. As time goes by, I feel less and less inclined to compromise, I have got work to do, I don't have the time to be sweet and nice and pro compromising all the time.

    On the other hand, he's a very considerate young man. He has a sense of attention that drives me wild and a curiosity that constntly drives him to try things I like/want versus things he'd rather do.

    But that is right now. I mean I already see that after one year, he is less inclined to do that. He does lots of other nice things, like even if he cannot cook he chooses to stay with me in the kitchen, and so on.

    I don't know. I am a bit tired, lots of work and it just striked me. I cannot always keep things fit, under control, perfect. Nor do I want to. And ... inspite his good traits ... he's difficult. More: having a relationship (I won't even mention kids) is difficult. And I've left that place way too little time ago to go back.


    I just don't feel like putting all the effort all over again. And I don't think I have the choice! And I like that even less !!!

  7. #7
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    As you know Greg and I are doing the Dr. Phill relationship rescue. According to Dr. Phill it isn't healthy to have everything in common and compatibility is a myth. He thinks it is healthy to have diffrences as long as the couple can acknoweledge them and enjoy there diffrences.. makes sence I guess.

  8. #8
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    Back to what I said about chosing friends who are the opposite from you:
    If BOTH of you are just alike.....ONE of you are unneccesary.

    Sometimes it takes two separate people who come together to form a whole well rounded unit.

    Not to be confused with the inability to see eye to eye on finances, goals and child raising though. I do think if someone gets to a point in a relationship where they are questioning it....it serves as a red flag that this may not be that person's best choice as a lifelong partner.

    It's good that you are taking it seriously and questioning these thing BEFORE you go into another phase of the relationship. Enjoy the dating status you have....but be hesitant to let it escalate into something you aren't ready for.

  9. #9
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    I know what you mean Twinki girl- Sam and I are sooooo dif it can cause probs at times I think the important thing is to have Morals and Values in common- those are the things you shouldn't have to compromise on- everything else can be worked out


    Heather's pal Dr Phil had this show on successful marriages and he said he talked to this couple that had been married for 70yrs or something crazy like that and he asked them the secret to their success and she said "We never fell out of love w/each other at the same time" I thought that was brilliant- everyone has their ups and downs but as long as 1 of you is working to keep it all together you will pull thru

  10. #10
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    my parents always told me that it wasnt interests that were important but life values.


  11. #11
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    I know what you mean. Thank you Merika, Faye and DA. I usually am proud of our complementarity, but he as I have our fiss at times. And having both strong characters, being so different involves some sort of clashing, at times. And it's not that easy when I'm tired or when he's irritated.

    But then, I think it's not because we're different, but because all relationships are difficult (that's what I tell myself, if I wanted no fuss, I should have stayed alone ).

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