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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    2,724

    New office policy

    NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE JANUARY 1, 2010


    Dress Code:

    1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

    2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

    3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

    4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


    Sick Days:
    We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    Personal Days:
    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

    Bereavement Leave:
    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

    Bathroom Breaks:
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

    Lunch Breaks:
    * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

    * Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

    * Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    At Home
    Posts
    12,071

    Re: New office policy

    That is a good one LovingSpirit. The sad thing is I can see some of it happening. Already my own company keeps whittling away things. Time to work for myself if any of this really happens.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    246

    Re: New office policy

    That is some funny stuff, especially the bathroom breaks
    Get off your Antidepressants and beat Depression naturally!
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