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  1. #1
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    Apr 2010
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    Virginia, USA
    Posts
    7

    Question I Feel Like It's Abuse

    Hello everyone. I've been having a problem in my life lately and I was looking around for help and found this forum. I apologize that this post is sort of long, but I have a lot I need to get out.

    My parents divorced when I was around 13 years old. After that, my father met another woman and he's currently living with her. Since my step mother has two kids of her own, I decided to live with my Mother who was all by herself. After living in a very small apartment with just my mother for 7 years, she of course, started getting lonely and began seeking companionship. Of course I didn't mind at all.

    She dated on and off with several different men. Some of them clicked with me, others didn't, but she didn't stay with any of them very long. So finally, my mom met this older veteran and he seemed really great at first. He was really in to technology and he was nice, I really liked him. So my mom dated him and everything was awesome while we were living at the apartment. As time went on, I began to notice he was the type of person who thought everything he said was right. That was no problem at the time though, everything was still alright.

    Eventually, we were able to find a house that we could afford (with the combined financial aid of my mom's boyfriend since he gets a lot money from the government each month). So, as soon as we moved into the house with him, he completely changed, and it wasn't for the better.

    He seems like a whole different person. If you say something he doesn't agree with, even if it's something trivial, he'll argue you with you. Then he won't even let you get a word in edgewise. He will keep drilling and drilling his point into your head and every time you even try to open your mouth to say something, he'll say "AHH! No, you just shut up!"

    He's also a complete hypocrite. He's a very heavy man, he can't even walk 10 feet without having to sit down to rest, and he doesn't even TRY to be healthy. He sits around and eats constantly, he sleeps all the time, and he doesn't have a job because he gets his cozy little paycheck each month. I'm going to be honest, I'm pretty heavy myself, but I've been trying to change my habits to lose weight, but he continues to criticize me. Why, just a few minutes ago, I walked out to the kitchen and I was telling my mother how I've been walking and he said, "Yeah, but you're still fat. You gotta change your eating habits too!" I know this is true. I've been cutting out sodas, eating less sugar, and drinking lots of water, but of course, when I try to tell him this, he kept interrupting me by saying, "No! Don't say anything else!"

    He also verbally abuses my mother, calls her stupid and a bitch sometimes. (I'm sorry for cussing if it's not allowed.) He also calls me the same if I try to disagree with him. He's a completely dictator over everything we do. He even locked me out of the router all because I've been having trouble finding a job. He accused me of not trying hard enough and saying, "If it were me, I could get any job I wanted in one week or less!" So he said, "You don't deserve internet until you earn it by finding a job." It's kind of funny that 90% of job applications are online too. Ironic. So I'm stuck using my friend's internet whenever I get the chance, or going to the library like I am now.

    And that's not all. He's also really embarrassing in public situations. He'll talk to EVERYONE as if they were his closest friends. He tells blonde jokes to any waitress that's blonde. He'll make sexual comments out loud. He'll even ARGUE with complete strangers the way he argues with my mother and I. It's so embarrassing, I just want to crawl into a hole somewhere.

    He also makes sexual comments that I don't appreciate. Although I am an adult, I am not comfortable with a man constantly talking about sexual things around me. Regardless of whether I'm in the room or not, he'll talk about sexual acts with my mother. Also, and one thing that I HATE is if I hug or kiss my mother while he's around, he'll yell, "WOO HOO Incestual Lesbian lovers!" He does that EVERY TIME and it makes me sick!

    Lastly, he's very sexist too. He talks about women like they should only be in the kitchen and he says all women are terrible drivers and shouldn't be allowed behind the wheel. Also, I've been thinking about getting my hair cut, but he keeps trying to make me keep it long because "women should only have long hair." He won't even let my mom cut her hair.

    I am so sick and tired of him. I know that my mother is the only person who can make the decision to kick him out but I know she really can't because without him, we cannot possibly afford this house we live in. It's gotten so bad that I can't wait to get enough money to move out on my own even though I was originally planning to stay with my mother and take care of her. I've also noticed that since he's lived with us, my mother's physical health has dropped dramatically over the course of only 3 months. I'm just at the end of my rope and I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave my mother alone with him, but I just can't stand him anymore.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
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    Somewhere over the rainbow!
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    Re: I Feel Like It's Abuse

    Meggles, first let me Welcome you to Lifesupporters! You have joined a group that deeply care for each other and are an online family. I hope you will become part of us, post and just join in on everything going on.

    About your thread, don't worry about it being long. You need to say what you need to say. Just know that we are here for you and members will respond.

    It's a very difficult situation you and your Mother are in, that's for sure. I'm not sure what advice to give, but what stands out for me is that you and your Mom were fine on your own for 7 years, can you both not do that again? A house is just a building, it's not important in the scheme of things, both of you need Peace. You both are in a toxic situation and do NOT deserve that kind of treatment at ALL!

    Is there any way you can get a conversation with your Mom about being on your own again? I'm a firm believer in trying to make a relationship work, but when the man is holding all the cards, doesn't listen to reason, puts down members of the household figuring he's ALWAYS right, then I don't see him changing.

    Please keep posting and again, we're here for you!
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
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    Re: I Feel Like It's Abuse

    I fully echo Luba's advice. Sanity is way more important than the comfort of constantly having to experience at the hands of this man.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
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    At Home
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    12,071

    Re: I Feel Like It's Abuse

    Hello Meggles. I am glad you found us. Welcome to our online home and family. Luba has pretty much said what I was thinking. Is it possible to look for an apartment with your mom? You both need to get out of that situation. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. We are all here for you.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
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    2,724

    Re: I Feel Like It's Abuse


  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Virginia, USA
    Posts
    7

    Re: I Feel Like It's Abuse

    Hello everyone. Thank you so much for reading my post and supporting me.
    To answer some of the questions, we lived in an apartment for those 7 years that we were by ourselves. We both hated it very much. The neighbors were rowdy in the middle of the night, and there were constant fights going on. So when my mother met this man and he offered to move to a house with us, we were too excited about the opportunity to have a yard and not have to worry about inspections or nosy neighbors to think that about whether or not it was a good decision.

    Now that we regret moving in, we're kind of stuck. My mother makes too much money to be accepted back into the apartments be lived in before (we were grandfathered in while we lived there) but she doesn't make enough money to afford a different house. I am a full-time college student currently seeking employment so I have no income at the moment to offer to my mother.

    I have talked with my mother several times about the situation and she expresses the same concerns that I do. However she doesn't think she can find another place to live around our area, nor does she want to go through another move.

    I know that she is the only person that can decide how to fix the situation, but I still feel like I should be doing something. I am very happy that everyone here is so loving and willing to support me in my time of emotional weakness.

  7. #7
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    Jun 2005
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    Re: I Feel Like It's Abuse

    Meggles, I'm SO glad you are back with an update. Just so you know, you are part of this family and we are going to do everything we can to help.

    Since I don't know what the best advice is for you and your Mom, I'm just going to throw some thoughts your way, something to think about maybe.

    I think the situation you both are in now has weighed you both down and it seems like it's an impossible situation. I think the man that your Mom considers her BF is using Bullying methods and Bullies wear people down, make them believe they are not worthy, are useless, and before you know it, you feel like you can't make a decision so it's just better to stay put.

    Before I go on, I want to ask if your Mom gives her entire paycheck to him? Oh dear God, I hope not! If she doesn't, maybe you can both make a plan for a budget to begin with and see how much money there actually is. Being a full-time college student is hard especially dealing with a stressful situation, but maybe if you just kept on looking and were able to get a part-time job to pull your and your Mom's money together and formulate a plan.

    If you both stay in this situation, I'm sorry to say I think it will just keep getting worse. He seems to exhibit control over everything, and he knows it and it just won't get better.

    You have come to the right place for people that care for you and will come up with all sorts of ideas that will make you feel like there is a way out.

    I am very happy that everyone here is so loving and willing to support me in my time of emotional weakness.
    I think the only reason you feel weak is because of the intolerable situation and the way you are made to feel. I don't think you are weak at all! You are seeking help, and sometimes baby steps are the way to go. I think the first baby step to take is NOT to believe a word he says about you when he calls you names, just refuse to believe it. Look in the mirror and say all the Wonderful things you can about yourself, inspire yourself, love yourself for the loving and kind person you are! It's not an ego thing at all! It is a genuine, caring, and humble feeling for the person you are! I heard a phrase once that sticks with me when I find people being put down and believing it, the phrase is "God don't make No Junk"!

    Keep returning, Meggles, you are not alone and we believe in YOU!
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
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    Re: I Feel Like It's Abuse

    It is not a time of emotional weakness you are experiencing - you are showing remarkable strength and insight in your own situation.

    As you noted, you can't decide when your mother does something - only she can; the only thing then you can do is make certain that things are not worsening, and draw a clear line with this guy.

    It is very positive that your mother recognises the situation is not healthy at all. It seems your mother is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Sadly, psychological abuse is often a precursor to physical abuse, so you do not want to underestimate the situation, or be in the position you have to "brush off" the abuse for lack of alternatives - which may happen to your mother if she is not careful.

    I get the impression you live still at home (as opposed to only visiting in the weekends), despite going to college, by reading your responses. Correct me if I am wrong. That at least means the both of you spend a reasonable amount of time away from him, and that is important - just so you don't always have to be on your toes.

    It is important to explore avenues to make it financially feasible to extract yourself and your mother from the situation. Working part-time, student loans, or other schemes you may qualify for (your college probably employs people to assist in such situations; it may be worthwhile to find out).

    As idiotic as it sounds, your mom could also start earning less, if that would get you back to the old place. Despite its obvious shortcomings, and screaming neighbors and all that, it is not happening under your roof then.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Virginia, USA
    Posts
    7

    Re: I Feel Like It's Abuse

    Hello everyone! I am returning now with an update on the situation.

    To answer a question, I do still live at home while I commute to college. Thankfully, I do get a lot of time away from my mother's boyfriend. Usually I am either at school, or he is out and about running errands.
    Also, no, my mother does not give her paychecks to her boyfriend. She has direct deposit into her bank account which he DOES NOT have access too. Thank god.

    I believe that things are a little better for the moment. My brother, who is 26, recently ran into a few issues with his living arrangements so he has actually moved in with us. I feel a lot safer with him around and my mom's boyfriend doesn't seem to be as controlling as long as my brother is here.

    There is a big job fair coming up next week and I am going to go to that and get all the information I can about local job openings. I'm really excited about it and look forward to finding a job so that I can start helping my mother out and maybe even look into getting my own place eventually.

    Anyway, that is all the updates I have at the moment. Thank you all so much for listening.

  10. #10
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    Mar 2005
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    Re: I Feel Like It's Abuse

    I am glad to hear that things have been a bit better, due to your brother moving back in. Is he aware of the situation? I assume so, but perhaps it is a good idea to involve him more actively in your considerations, even if it takes a bit longer to get out of the situation, since your brother provides a nice cushion which reins your mother's bf in.

    Good luck on the job fair!
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
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    Re: I Feel Like It's Abuse

    I'm glad to hear circumstances are better for you and your Mom, Meggles! Thanks for the update; please keep on with those as we care about you!

    Good luck at the Job Fair! Let us know how that works out, too!
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


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