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  1. #1
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    I just don't know anymore!

    I don't know how to feel or what to think at this point. Last night my BF & father of my 2 year old decided we needed to separate. I kinda agree but not 100%. He said he will be leaving in 1-7 days & we will be separated for an undetermined amount of time. He will be staying at his Moms house which is like 5-10 minutes from our house. He will be taking our 2 year old every night after he gets done at work and bringing her back before work. Basically is he is home he will have her.We have been together since September 29 2006! I love him so very much.

    We were having problems and about a month ago we had a weekend away and I fell in love with him all over again we were great for a month after then one day he just decided he was gonna find reasons to bicker. Ever since then we have been on rocky ground. I had accepted that things were not good and then fell in love with him even though I tried to fight it. Now I have to do it again and this time is really painful.

    What do you tell a 2 year old? How do you prepare her for changes? She is very sensitive and likes routine...I am scared for her! I will be staying in the house and he says he will pay all the bills....The problem is I have no car, no job, no money & no one to help me if he decided to end things. My family lives in TN and they are not very dependable and he has made it clear that I will not be taking our child outta the state.

    I don't wanna separate and if we did I do not wanna tear them apart...I am currently on medications for Bi-Polar, Manic Depression, anxiety & Panic attacks. As well as for high blood pressure. I just don't know how to deal with this or process it. I just wanna ball up and cry until he comes home to me but i can't I have to pretend that things are okay for my daughter. I know when she is with him I will probably just cry the whole night.

    Things are so strange right now I don't know what to say to him or how to act. I don't know what I am suppose to do during this or how we get to a point we can get back together....what is the rules or separation? I feel so empty, so weak, so alone and scared! I have no one I can talk to because he is my best friend and my only friend......It's so hard to make it appearthings are good for my child and everyone else...
    Last edited by Vautrin; 03-25-2010 at 04:36 PM. Reason: added paragraphs

  2. #2
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    Re: I just don't know

    Hello Jess. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I have a few questions. Did he give you any reasons why he is leaving? What is the situation with the house that you are living in - own, rent? Who's name is it in? It sounds like he's got something on his mind that he needs some space to figure out. If this is the case, I'd just try to allow him the space and be as supportive as possible. Let him know that you love him and you'll miss him. The good news is that he agreed to continue paying the bills and supporting you... this doesn't sound like he wants to end things permanently. Hang in there!

  3. #3
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    Re: I just don't know

    Welcome to LifeSupporters Jess. I do wish circumstances would have been a lot happier for you.

    It is a separation, not necessarily a permanent end to the relationship. Perhaps the relationship can still be mended. Would you and your boyfriend have any interest in that, or do the two of you think that?

    As Ecliptic pointed out, he is willing to pay the bills. It sounds like he is not yet ready to end things permanently. So it seems you have a chance to fix the relationship.

    We were having problems and about a month ago we had a weekend away and I fell in love with him all over again we were great for a month after then one day he just decided he was gonna find reasons to bicker.
    A couple of questions:
    1. What was the nature of the problems you experienced in the relationship?

    2. What were the problems your boyfriend experienced in the relationship? These are not necessarily the same as the problems you experience.

    3. What would the bickering be about?

    I am not trying to minimise his role in the conflict, but my personal experience with bi-polar is that people can be extremely sensitive to suggestions that something is not right, and have the feeling that someone is constantly picking fights. Thus while you think he is picking fights, he may feel that whatever he does is not good enough for you - which would be a massive failure of positive communication, leading to the separation.

    I am trying to get a better understanding of the dynamics involved in the relationship. The dynamics can seriously contribute or undermine the relationship.

    A two year old is smart enough to know that things are not hunky-dory. And considering the changes in arrangements she will pick up on that. Rather try to explain a bit of what her dad and mom are going through than pretend that nothing is wrong.

    For all the medication for mood disorders you are on, you sound, considering the circumstances, quite balanced. Feeling like:
    Things are so strange right now I don't know what to say to him or how to act. I don't know what I am suppose to do during this or how we get to a point we can get back together....what is the rules or separation? I feel so empty, so weak, so alone and scared!
    is pretty normal when you just heard that your boyfriend is going to separate from you.

    Give him space, and at the same time try to understand how each of the two of you contributed to creating the current situation. It is not about taking blame, but it is about sorting the relationship out, and that means dealing with the issues and problems that caused the relationship to be rocky.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  4. #4
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    Re: I just don't know

    Jess I felt so sad for you, reading your post, that you had to deal with so many problems all at once It sounds like you are in need of a hug and some support. Please keep posting, talking about things really does help.

    It's really important that you get some legal advice quickly, before arrangements for childcare are agreed. And you do have to agree them. You don't have to just go along with what your boyfriend says will happen. It sounds like you don't want her to be away every night. And what happens if you do find work, you may not be able to change the arrangement then. With married couples, whatever is the usual pattern of childcare is the basis on whch custody is given and in the UK all child maintenance payments are made based on the number of nights the child spends with each parent.

    I know you probably won't feel like getting into all that now, but your relationship with your daughter is such a precious and important thing to both of you and is sounds like you are not being involved in planning what happens to her, I'm worried that at a time when you can't stand up for your rights you may be taken advantage of and that's just not fair to you or your daughter. Of course he may not be planning to do this, but the signs are not good and you never know what may happen when a relationship ends so it's best to be on the safe side.

    If you'd like to tell us which city and country you live in I could see if there are some advocacy or support organisations you can turn to for some practicle help and maybe some support networks IRL.

    Everyone feels alone and scared at times like this, Jess, but there are people here who will listen and help if you need us As for the separation, it sounds like you don't feel there is anything that can be done just now. Focus on caring for yourself and your daughter, agree only to what you think is reasonable and in her best interests and start going to local groups to meet other mums. Your daughter needs more than 1-7 days to prepare her for this change.

  5. #5
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    Re: I just don't know

    Did he give you any reasons why he is leaving? No he didn't say why but I believe it's becuase we are arguing a lot & because of my mental health issues that I can not fix.

    What is the situation with the house that you are living in - own, rent? We rent

    Who's name is it in? We both signed the lease.

    What was the nature of the problems you experienced in the relationship? Just a lot of arguing & I have mental health issues that can't be controlled.

    What were the problems your boyfriend experienced in the relationship? I believe it is just the disagreements and the mental health thing which I guess I should share and I will below!

    What would the bickering be about?
    Everything.....just a lot of stress and tension.

    Would you and your boyfriend have any interest in that, or do the two of you think that? I feel in my soul there's still hope for us but he says he doesn't know how it will end. He also still tells me he loves me when we speak.

    As far as our Daughter goes him & her have a very strong bond & relationship. She wait for him to come home and when he does she screams Daddy's Home and then they run around playing for an hour or so and then we do our nightly routine. We discussed were she was gonna go and did it very calmly and nicely. I know if she stays here at night she will just look for him and miss him. I know it's a lot of back and forth but we are only 10 minutes apart and I think and so does he that this is best for her so she can see us both.

    As far as mental health issues go we both have them and on top of that I have high blood pressure and he is diabetic type 2.
    I am bi-polar,manic depressive,anxiety,panic attacks and am a compulsive lair. I try really hard to be honest. I lie about stupid things. I have spoken to him and my Dr and I feel trapped by this! He says the compulsive lieing has a lot to do with it and that makes me think I am doomed as far as our future. He knows all about my past and my horrible childhood. He knows it's outta my control but that doesn't matter. I hate lairs and I hate being one...I just wanna stop but no matter what I do I can't.I am already on several medications Cymbalta, wellbutrin, Vistaril, rozerum and my blood pressure med.

    I live in Houma La which is in Lafourche Parish!


    So what should I say to my daughter how do you explain this to a 2 year old..I know she is smart and realizes things are off & I don't wanna keep it away from her.

  6. #6
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    Re: I just don't know

    It seems the situation is salvageable. He says he does not know how it will end, and I think he means just that. If the relationship was rocky, it is highly likely that his feelings will be all over the place.

    Assuming you are taking your medication, your moods should be pretty stable, and the way you have posted certainly suggests that. From personal experience I can tell you that living with Bi-Polar is anything but easy, but it is not impossible to make a relationship work. Considering that the relationship has lasted for more than 3 years, it seems you have been able to do that. Thus the primary problem does not seem to be your mental health issues, but the issues that may be a result from your horrible childhood, which may be excabarated by the mental health issues. Rather than blaming that, I suggest you should be looking into the problematic behaviors.

    But remember: it takes two people to have a relationship. Unwittingly he may have contributed to some of your negative behaviors, and the same may hold for you.

    Your horrible childhood may explain some of the problems you have - it may also suggest that subconsciously a certain set of behaviors is "normal", while in the relationship with your boyfriend they are highly problematic leading to fights.

    Sometimes it is hard to imagine, especially when highly stressed where the other person is coming from. Add in bad communication, strains in a relationships, and you have a vicious downward spiral. Bad communication tends to magnify problems in relationships. If there are just a few toxic patterns that can make the difference between a good healthy relationship and a bad one. Is there a chance the two of you cold go for counselling, specifically on communication issues?

    Do have a conversation of two with your boyfriend, to discuss things, if things are not to your liking. The last thing she needs is that her parents vilify each other, when the other is not present. The two of you need to have a sit to discuss what story to tell your daughter. She does not need conflicting explanations, because then she'll think the two of you are making excuses.

    Right now, I'd suggest carefully explaining that mom and dad experience some problems, but are trying to resolve things. Make it clear that it is not her fault. If she does not get an explanation, chances are she will think it is because of her, and that would be terrible.

    You might need to have recourse to law and legal opinion if things do not work out (custody, maintenance related issues), but I think it might be too soon for that.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  7. #7
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    Re: I just don't know

    Hi Jess It sounds like you and your boyfriend agree that your plans are the best thing for your daughter. It's a good sign that you are able to co-operate over this. I agree with Vautrin, there's no need to see a lawyer straight away.

    I'd try and be as honest as you can with your daughter. She will have seen some of the arguments you had. You said in your first post that you agreed a break was necessary, even though you don't want it. I'd talk to her about you not getting along together and both feeling you should spend some time apart, that it's sad for all of you and you will all miss each other when you are not all together, but that you and your boyfriend both love each other and her and will try and fix it and make everything alright. I think it's also important to tell children that it's nothing they did that caused it and that both of you will always try and do what's right for her and, hard as it is, this is what is right for now. Then focus on how her routine will change and help her with little things like what would she like to take when she goes, let her see where she will sleep and choose some things to take there etc. Also she should know however she feels it's OK to feel that way, whether she is upset or not bothered at all - that's OK - and it would be good for her to know she can talk about it whenever she wants.

    There is a group that has 4 bases in Louisiana. They run a peer support programme that a lot of people seem to have found really useful, there are testimonials on the website. You can find the one nearest to you through this link: Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance: Find a support group

    Your boyfriend still loves you, Jess. Remember that when you feel low. Where there's love, there's hope

  8. #8
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    Re: I just don't know

    Thank you all so very much as hard as this is for me it is nice to see someone else point of view and get advice. You have all made the hope I had before stronger. I believe we will sit down tonight and talk to her about what is going on. She will be staying at her MawMaw's so she knows what to expect there and were she will be sleeping.I will keep this updated and vent my emotions here if that's okay!

  9. #9
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    Re: I just don't know

    I will keep this updated and vent my emotions here if that's okay!
    Absolutely!
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  10. #10
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    Re: I just don't know

    So last night when he came home we sat our daughter down and explained to her what was going on & that she would be sleeping at MawMaw's with Daddy when she wanted too. We made sure to let her know this is not at all her fault and we love her the same.She listened then decided to be silly. The hole time we were both trying to hold back the flood of tears. I have to say I am gonna miss watching them play at night. I am gonna miss her laugh & his smile.
    On another note we kinda discussed our relationship and he says the compulsive lying is the biggest problem. He them proceeded to tell me how much he hates my Mom for making me so screwed up. He did tell me that I am a very nurturing person and he will miss cuddling with me at bedtime. He is still telling me he loves me which I hope is not false hope. I did make a huge mistake and attacked him verbally about something that was on my mind. He works with his Mom and she just recently hired someone new, it is a female about our age. At first I liked her and was okay with it. Then suddenly after 3 years of waking up 5 minutes before he had to leave and just walking out the door he started getting up and showering,wearing cologne, shaving often, working late, not answering when I call, and talking about her when he is home.So I brought it up to him and he told me I was crazy.I never said he was cheating I just told him what I noticed and asked him if there was anything I needed to know.He said after all this time if I didn't trust him then we didn't need to be together. It also struck me funny that he waited to ask for a separation while his Mom was outta town and he would have the house to himself which is right next door to were he works & he told me why would I go there I would just do it at the shop.Which made my blood boil. I just wish I could keep my mouth shut & not be so insecure. I am so scared to be hurt because everyone in my past has hurt me so bad. Later I was in the room crying and he came in and said aww baby I really hate seeing you hurt this bad & I told him I felt like i was worthless, a failure, empty, alone and scared. My life is shattering and it's hurting me so bad. I can say even after having 3 kids all natural this is by far the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I told him that I loved him so much and when I think about my life everything has been a nightmare until I met him. He has changed me in so many ways. He has made me feel love I never knew was possible. I never knew I could love someone so much(besides my kids)! I can't believe how much I have cried and how much pain I have felt from this.I believe the compulsive lying is the deal breaker for us and will be why we part ways. That things get better!!! I really don't know how much longer I can keep it together!

  11. #11
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    Re: I just don't know

    Jess, you've been through so much in your young life its completely understandable where your mindset is at. I think given the amount of adversity you've faced, you are a very strong person even though you may not feel that way at this point in time.

    I can see why your husband hates your mother, I don't even know her and I can honestly say she's not on my list of people to prey for either.

    I also understand your feelings about potential infidelity on your husband’s part but I suggest you try not to allow this to divert your attention. It’s sad to say but the only control we really have in this life is the control over our own actions; even our kids are beyond our control. The only weapon we have at our disposal is gentle guidance through love and support.

    You've identified in two separate topics now that you know your compulsive lying may be a large part of the underlying formula so I'd really suggest you focus on this as much as you can. You're daughter will also recognize the hard work you put toward your struggles and I can only think it will make the two of you all that much closer.
    My Daughter Rules!

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  12. #12
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    Re: I just don't know

    Duke I love your wisdom. I completely understand why he hates my mother I do too and I don't blame him for it at all. I am just hoping to break this cycle of insanity that has been passed on from my Mother and others before my mother. My boyfriend which I will call Kabal from now in is the only stability I feel I ever have had. I plan on putting all my heart and focus on correcting the compulsive lying. I hope he will see my efforts and give me credit for trying and we can move forward. I also forgot to mention that Sunday the 28th is the day Kabal will be leaving & the thought makes me so panicky & anxious.Our Daughter whom I will call T will possibly be staying with him that night as well just depends on how busy he will be at the shop. I called him this morning after he left to apologize for being insecure and making him feel like I didn't trust him and he said he thought about it and he was wrong for not seeing my side. He says he just wants to be clean because there is another female around and he doesn't wanna be a slob so I am gonna try to make myself believe that. He also said he understands why I feel like I do.Thank you everyone for the advice, warm welcomes, and the comfort!!! I am so glad I found LifeSupporters!

  13. #13
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    Re: I just don't know

    Well today is the day. Kabal will be leaving this afternoon. I packed all his stuff for him to be sweet & cried every time I put something in the bag. I am in so much pain. I feel like my life is crashing around me. It's so hard to be strong around T. This morning Kabal kissed & hugged me before he left & suddenly ran out the house & I called him at work & he told me it was too much. I am hoping that's a good sign. Too emotional to write anymore at this point!

  14. #14
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    Re: I just don't know

    I'm sorry Jess. I have to admit though that much of what you write does leave some room for hope. I realize he's leaving today but I think he's doing it for both of you rather than just himself. The fact that he is as adamant as he is about your child also makes me believe he's doing what he believes is best for now for everyone rather than what is simply best for himself.

    I think if you can work on your compulsive lying and clearly demonstrate improvement in this area, you may see him back in no time.
    My Daughter Rules!

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  15. #15
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    Re: I just don't know

    I fully agree with Duke.

    Hope you are feeling a bit better now Jess.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  16. #16
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    Re: I just don't know

    Thanks Duke. I am hopeful but I don't wanna set myself up for more heartache. I asked him if I sought out medical help about the lying if I could be credited for that and he said we will see. I know we have spoken about if it doesn't work out that we both wanna stay close to each other for T's sake.He also decided to stay one more night and just not come home from work tomorrow.I am glad about the one more night but the thought of not seeing him at all hurts.I just hope I can mental make it threw this without having a melt down.

  17. #17
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    Re: I just don't know

    Quote Originally Posted by Jess View Post
    Thanks Duke. I am hopeful but I don't wanna set myself up for more heartache.
    See Jess, this is why I think you're a strong woman and I'm very glad to say I've gotten this chance to get to know you.

    I think for all the trouble you've had that you are an inspiration.
    My Daughter Rules!

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  18. #18
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    Re: I just don't know

    Quote Originally Posted by Duke View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jess View Post
    Thanks Duke. I am hopeful but I don't wanna set myself up for more heartache.
    See Jess, this is why I think you're a strong woman and I'm very glad to say I've gotten this chance to get to know you.

    I think for all the trouble you've had that you are an inspiration.


    You have no idea how much this meant to me. I am ecstatic I found this place & everyone here!!!!

  19. #19
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    Re: I just don't know

    Right back atcha Jess
    My Daughter Rules!

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  20. #20
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    Re: I just don't know

    Jess, you'll hope anyway, so you may as well draw some strength from it now that you need it. You are so much stronger than you feel right now. The fact that you've been able to find that stability, when you've never known it in your life, shows that you can overcome the bad and create good things. I know it hurts now you feel you may be losing what you have, but the good that love brings can never be taken away from you. There is no way you can protect yourself from the pain to come if things end, so you may as well trust in your boyfriend, the love you share and the possibility that getting help will make a difference to you both. By the way, if you can't get help from your doctor, the link I posted for peer support includes help with getting treatment. Hope tomorrow is not too bad for you Jess, post if you need to

  21. #21
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    Re: I just don't know

    Update:he decided to wait to leave tommorow. He is gonna leave for work and not come back.....We have fought,cried,laughed and loved most of the evening. I went help him at work.(He works for his Mom at a dog kennel) I walked a few dogs and we cut up some.Theres so much tension.

  22. #22
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    Re: I just don't know

    Jess, I am sorry you are feeling so conflicted.

    I think the tension is also partly fuelled by the separation. You are both living in limbo, and that does not bring out the best in people. On the one hand you start thinking that this minor hitch will be overcome, yet at the same time you feel angry because a separation is more than a minor hitch. Of course such conflicting feelings can give rise to many a fight.

    As strange as it sounds, at some point he needs to follow through, and not spend the night with you. The tension is undermining the efforts both of you seem to be making.

    Now is the time to work on issues, and make progress there. That will eventually cut the tension between the two of you, slowly but surely.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  23. #23
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    Re: I just don't know

    Well it's official we are separated. I woke up at 6am to help him load his stuff up. The whole time we were both bawling our eyes out. He leaned in to hug me and I thought I was gonna pass out from the anxiety.I feel like I am not gonna make it threw the day. T woke up right before he left and wanted to wave bye to him as usual and Kabal told her he wouldn't be home at nights for a while but she could come over when she wanted. As he pulled out she started screaming No Daddy don't leave us.My heart stopped and the river of tears began.We talked about the chick he works with and he admitted he just wanted to see what I would say & was testing me. I could not believe that he would purposely try to make me think he was cheating on me knowing my past and how insecure I am.I seen how hurt he was this morning and that hurt me even more.

  24. #24
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    Re: I just don't know

    It's harder & harder to hold back the tears.Every second he is gone feels like an hour.He will be coming to pick up T to stay the night with him.Seeing him is like adding salt to the wounds.I wanna see him because I love him but I know it will hurt knowing he is not staying. The thought of going to bed alone is like a nightmare.I will probably sleep on the couch with the TV on all night and probably will cry instead of sleep.If dying from a broken heart is possible I am gonna die!!!I feel like part of me was ripped away....I don't feel whole.Kabal is the only stability I have EVER had in my life. He called earlier to check on T and I told him about her saying no Daddy don't leave us and he cried but before he hung up he told me he loved me.

    Sorry for spamming this thread!

  25. #25
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    Re: I just don't know

    Jess, I have been reading your posts and my Heart aches for what you are going through. I wish all of us could just hug you, hold you, and cry right along with you! I don't know if I've yet Welcomed you to Lifesupporters, if I haven't, please forgive me. I'm Glad you came to this place where there is SO much warmth, love, caring and compassion!

    Sorry for spamming this thread!
    Please don't feel sorry about that as that is why we are all here; to listen, help, and care for each other in sadness, happiness, joy or pain.

    I am sending you SUCH hugs right now with every fiber of my being, I hope you feel them where you are right now.

    When I had a problem, I did exactly the same thing; slept on the couch and cried myself to sleep with the Company of the television. I find that soothing Classical music helps, too. When I put that on, I fall asleep almost instantly.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


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