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  1. #1
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    Better parenting through breakup.

    Another topic we were discussing this evening made me wonder about this topic.

    Just some background, when my daughter was little I was a terrible dad!!! I was miserable in my relationship with her mother, working two jobs and quite literally burning the candle at both ends.

    Once I was free of that relationship I still suffered in many ways because splitting after having a child really went against my family values. That said, I had a very tough time in many aspects but the one part that thrived and continues to thrive more and more each day is the relationship I have with my daughter.

    Of course many years later I'm well over my ex but I find myself wondering if I would have been a horrible parent should I have remained with my ex?

    ...

    Do you think that bad parents are quite possibly bad because it's a backlash from an unhappy marriage and do you think that splitting from marriage can potentially make one a much better parent?

    Please share your opinion.
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  2. #2
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    Re: Better parenting through breakup.

    I do very much think that if you are unhappy, for whatever reason, your unhappiness affects your child. Skills of parenting or even functioning at all can be adversely affected while being unhappy.

    Whether it's a bad marriage or a deep emotional wound, unhappy is unhappy. Bad marriages sure don't help with the child's developmental growth.

  3. #3
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    Re: Better parenting through breakup.

    I think a child needs to be in a loving environment to flourish. If that means splitting up and having two households then that is that. If kids see you suffering, they won't be happy either. Eventually it wears on them as well. Do you do well when you are in emotional pain? I doubt it, and neither do they.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  4. #4
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    Re: Better parenting through breakup.

    Coming from a broken family , I always thought that the best gift I could give my children is for them to have " normal " family . I wanted them to experience everything that I was not able to experience when I was still a little girl , so I tried so hard to keep my marriage. I suffered emotionally for so many years until I reached the point where I did not know myself anymore. So I asked myself , How can I be a good and loving mother when I am in so much pain ? How can I teach them to have a positive outlook in life when I am becoming a sad and bitter person ? How can I grow old gracefully when I am always angry and almost always upset ?

    I think my children will appreciate me more now that I am free of those negative feelings . I also think that staying in an unhappy marriage will just have a worse effect on the kids in the long run.
    " Begin with the ending in mind ~ Stephen Covey "

  5. #5
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    Re: Better parenting through breakup.

    It's my belief as of now at this point in my life that it's never a good idea to stay in an unhappy marriage. However where I probably disagree is that I dont think getting out of the marriage is the best option. I think it's entirely possible to work hard and get your marriage back to where it used to be.

    But I think a divorce has become an acceptable out and an easy solution. Maybe that doesn't apply to every situation but it sure would be nice to see more than 50% of marriages make it!

  6. #6
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    Re: Better parenting through breakup.

    Quote Originally Posted by jmacek View Post
    Maybe that doesn't apply to every situation but it sure would be nice to see more than 50% of marriages make it!
    I agree but the problem usually seems to be that only 50% of the couple is ever truly interested in making the marriage work.
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  7. #7
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    Re: Better parenting through breakup.

    Thanks Duke for making this thread, it's a topic that applies to me now in my life. It's good to here stories that others have felt the same as you and have overcome it.

    I am not married, but do live with my daughters father. We have a terrible relationship, it is soooo dead, there is no fixing it, bc i dont think it was much to start with. My daughter is 3 and i have been unhappy the whole time. I don't feel like i am being the best mother i can be, and i feel like the longer this goes on the less i know myself and like myself. I think i can see now already the effects or disfunctional atmosphere. That makes me sad so much time has passed already, bc i cant get it back, i can't get her years her childhood back. She has had a miserable mommy and for that i am so sorry. I know it's something i need to do, part ways, it's just finding the courage to do it, and to stop being selfish, bc i feel i am. I feel bc i am so overwhelmed by my fear that i am continually robbing her.

    I am so scared, of the process, the emotions, the effects on her, lost on how to handle things, scared of being a single mother all alone, scared of the time i wont have with her after, the time i share her, and how to handle that.

    It seems like it's been a goal of mine for quite some time to move on, yet i just keep stumbling around. I never get far with it, yes thought after thought but acting on it....... rrrrrr

    I want a better happier more peaceful life for my daughter and i.
    " To thy own self be true..."

  8. #8
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    Re: Better parenting through breakup.

    That's a tough situation to be in BB and I can totally understand your fears because there all valid. One question I have for you though is do you have friends of family you can move in with short term to help ease the transition?

    I've heard (doesn't mean it's a scientific fact mind you) that you only have 4 years, the first 4, to create a strong bond with your child. If you cannot do so in this time frame there is a chance you may never. I don't mean to add pressure to your situation, as I stated it's something I either heard or read but to be honest, I do believe it personally.
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  9. #9
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    Re: Better parenting through breakup.

    I can testify that even after only a month of being separated that I could see with great clarity what I had become and I instantly made great steps toward being a better Dad. My kids see it and without "Mommy No Fun" with us we can enjoy ourselves and be guys together.

  10. #10
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    Re: Better parenting through breakup.

    Duke - no i do not, sad huh. I have no where really and the few options i do have are not any more stable nor comfortable then my current situation. Yes the first years are crucial times, we do have a bond and are close, but could be so much closer and stronger.
    " To thy own self be true..."

  11. #11
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    Re: Better parenting through breakup.

    I'm really sorry to hear that you have no close support BB, that just makes things tougher.

    It sounds to me though that you are being realistic in remaining where you are for now. While it may be healthier to just up and leave short term, once life settles in it may be a whole different ball game and one that you weren't properly prepared for.

    I think one important aspect of leaving is leaving when you're ready to leave with ready being different for everyone. Nobody can tell you when it's time to go, only you can.
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  12. #12
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    Re: Better parenting through breakup.



    Yeah well i have you all, and i'm gonna put ya to work emotionally supporting me so i can makes things a lil less tougher!

    oh trust me, i have me situation, well, well, well thought over. Been thinking about it for a few years. I am ready but still scared. I think everything happens for a reason and when the time is right, i can make my shift.
    " To thy own self be true..."

  13. #13
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    Re: Better parenting through breakup.

    We are here for you BB. I understand somewhat how you are feeling too. Been in the same boat for a number of years, just waiting for the right time for me.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  14. #14
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    Re: Better parenting through breakup.

    Quote Originally Posted by BridgieBridge View Post


    Yeah well i have you all, and i'm gonna put ya to work emotionally supporting me so i can makes things a lil less tougher!
    We're always here for you, Bridgie!
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


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    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

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  15. #15
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    Re: Better parenting through breakup.

    You all are great!
    " To thy own self be true..."

  16. #16
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    Re: Better parenting through breakup.

    Quote Originally Posted by BridgieBridge View Post
    Yeah well i have you all, and i'm gonna put ya to work emotionally supporting me so i can makes things a lil less tougher!
    We're always here for you BB in whatever support role you require
    My Daughter Rules!

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  17. #17
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    Re: Better parenting through breakup.

    Quote Originally Posted by BridgieBridge View Post
    I am so scared, of the process, the emotions, the effects on her, lost on how to handle things, scared of being a single mother all alone, scared of the time i wont have with her after, the time i share her, and how to handle that.
    This is how I feel as well - the exception being that I'm a dad, not a mother. I have never liked the feelings of uncertainty, but now have to come to grips with them. *sigh*

  18. #18
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    Re: Better parenting through breakup.

    I think you know when you get to the point that unhappiness affects your ability to parent effectively and that is the time to get out for the benefit of all concerned. Life as a single parent is tough but it's an absolute breeze compared to living in a dysfunctional marriage. My fears about what it would be like were totally out of all proportion compared to the reality and definitely influenced by the state of fear in which I lived.

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