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Thread: I hate my ex

  1. #1
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    I hate my ex

    I really hate using the word hate but when it's about my ex, it's appropriate. For years I've carried around this burden because I just don't feel it's healthy to feel this way but I can't help myself.

    I've come to the conclusion that what I need to do is purge myself of my feelings toward my ex once and for all in hopes of putting the negativity beyond me.

    I'm not going to go into details here, I just feel my ex is a bad person down to the core and it sickens me with the stuff she tries to pull. I could care less what she does in her own life but when it affects our daughter, it really pisses me off.

    What's even worse is I've dealt with anxiety in seeing her for close to 14 years because unless I kiss her ass, she's bound to flip her lid and the backlash is always felt by our daughter. I literally felt sick to my stomach every time I had to drop my daughter off not for me but for what she was going home to.

    For the record, my daughter isn't being abused but she is being taken advantage of and made to feel like a bad kid who does nothing to contribute to the household.

    My daughter may not be perfect but she cares and she has a good heart; nothing else matters!

    For those of you who take the time with your kids for granted I beg you as a weekend father; consider one day your kids won't be around all that much and they'll only respect you as much as you respected them.

    Anyway I'm sorry for the rant but I needed to get it off my chest.
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  2. #2
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    Re: I hate my ex

    I am sorry things are so bad with her. It is so sad that parents do that to their kids, especially when the parents are divorced. You would think after this long, she would get over herself and let life move on. I hope your rant helped. Hang in there Duke. I will do like Meanon and give you hugs!
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

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    Re: I hate my ex

    I'm right there with you my friend. Hate is not a word I use either but sometimes it's the only word that describes who you feel. Seems like once I let it out, it was easier to let it go. It's too bad you still have to deal with her and it sucks she uses your daughter. I dealt with that stuff with my x's...x and that crap drove me nuts. I won't give ya hug but I'll pass you a beer and a pat on the back.
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  4. #4
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    Re: I hate my ex

    I don't know what the laws are in Canada, but here at your daughter's age, she could ask the court to have you as the full-time custodial parent. Maybe it would be worth looking into especially if it is something your daughter had an interest in?

    I think even at her age, she could emancipate herself and live with whomever she chose. That may even be a cheaper route to take, legally speaking. If she could emancipate herself, then child support wouldn't have to change hands (meaning your ex would then have to pay you child support.) Then, you wouldn't have to talk to your ex ever again or hear her rantings.

    I'll start looking up Canadian law in this area and see what resources I can find. Good luck to you and your daughter.

  5. #5
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    Re: I hate my ex

    Does you daughter know all this? What does she feel?
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  6. #6
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    Re: I hate my ex

    I like Ivy's approach. I think here in Florida they can choose around 14.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

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    Re: I hate my ex

    Not to be a Debbie downer....

    But it sounds easy enough the child can choose where to be but it's not that simple...at least here in Oregon. I think 14 or 16 is supposedly the age when they can "choose" where to live. It's easy if the x doesn't fight it. If there's a fight, you'll need to lawyer up and then plan on spending some big money.

    Case in point...5 years ago we had to get a lawyer to get custody of a 17yo...yes 17. The father didn't want her with us and fought it. The daughter had already move out of his house, was living with us, and wanted nothing to do with him. hH tried to get law enforcement involved but they would not ans could not make her go back to his house since she was 17. It took a few months and several thousands of dollars later before he finally caved. He only caved because I was willing to go to court and spend any amount money to get her away from him.

    It was ugly and got very nasty. It pitted sisters against each other and even got to the point where the sister (daddy's girl) flat out lied under oath. Ugly stuff but in the end it was all very worth it. I'd go through it again without hesitation. Just be prepared.
    I'm so much cooler online...

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  8. #8
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    Re: I hate my ex

    I have never personally gone thru it. Someone I work with had similar issues where his son wanted to live with him and the mother apparently had no objections so it was okay. I don't know what would have happened had mom decided she wanted junior to stay with her. I don't know the rules where this is all concerned I just know what happened in his case.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

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    Re: I hate my ex

    I didn't know much either when it started but suspected it would blow up into a big deal. Talk about an education. Luckly the attorney we had was good.

    I don't understand some peoples need to use the kids as control tool.

    For those of you who take the time with your kids for granted I beg you as a weekend father; consider one day your kids won't be around all that much and they'll only respect you as much as you respected them.
    This statement goes to the core of what I hold true. I believe this is why I have a daughter who isn't even really mine and why she has disowned her biological parents.
    I'm so much cooler online...

    There is no kill switch for awesome.

  10. #10
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    Re: I hate my ex

    Thanks all for the words of support. I'm very sorry that I had to vent this pettiness in the first place but I've been carrying it along with me for so long that it's unhealthy.

    My daughter does want to move in with me. I believe in Canada a child can legally chose to live with either parent when they reach the age of 12 years old. The problem she faces is that she's simply a better and more compassionate person than I and as such, she just can't bring herself to hurt her mother in this way (by moving out).

    She'd also like it if I lived elsewhere as there's nothing for her in New Westminster; I agree. I'm trying to secure new work in Langley and if I can make it happen she'll likely move in with me.
    My Daughter Rules!

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  11. #11
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    Re: I hate my ex

    You have just as much right to vent as the rest of us Duke. We all have issues, some ongoing, some get fixed and others pop up. I am glad you vented. You may have built this site for others but it works just as good for you. I wish you luck in your new job search and in getting Dwoing to live with you.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  12. #12
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    Re: I hate my ex

    It seems Dwoing is on your side on this one. Which makes a world of difference. It is one thing to be compassionate, but a whole other thing to be taken advantage of. Been there, made that mistake myself. Thankfully not involving children.

    Good luck with the jobhunt in Langley then. Since I have no idea what distances are involved, could you not even just make a move there? Or does banker cat not approve of that plan?

    I hope it works out the best for you and Dwoing.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  13. #13
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    Re: I hate my ex

    I'm sorry things aren't getting any better, Duke.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  14. #14
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    Re: I hate my ex

    Hang in there Duke.

    It seems like it lasts forever when your children have to grow up in the middle of conflict. But it does end or at least get better, I assure you.

    I went through a lot of ugly stuff with my ex because he used my daughter against me every chance he got. I cried every time I had to take her back to her father's for at least a year or more.

    Good luck in your job hunt and I hope things work out for you and your daughter.

  15. #15
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    Re: I hate my ex

    I've come to the conclusion that what I need to do is purge myself of my feelings toward my ex once and for all in hopes of putting the negativity beyond me...I'm very sorry that I had to vent this pettiness in the first place but I've been carrying it along with me for so long that it's unhealthy.
    Hatred is corrosive, so anything that helps you relieve yourself of some of it is healthy. I feel for you, Duke. If I ever felt my ex was motivated by anything other than putting the kids first I just don't know how I would handle it. As you know, things were not always this way, but even then I knew that it was the separation fall out that was the issue and that he was fundamentally a decent person and father.

    There are no easy answers, as children will discover the truth about their parent's flaws as they grow older. The point at which they do so is the point at which their sense of self is no longer invested in the parent, when they can accept them as they are. Until that point, I can't emphasise how important the need to idealise a parent is to the well being of the child. As long as they are dependent on the parent, there will be the need to legitimise their actions and internalise the ill effects of doing so. It's the survival instinct.

    Like any parent, you are bound to hate the person who makes your child feel bad. The main thing to focus on is that you can do and are doing something about it. You help her restore her self esteem when she feels bad. You show her she is worthy of unconditional love. You understand her need to retain a relationship with her mother and are supporting her in doing so until she is at the point where she feels separate enough to make the break. It's enough, she'll be fine.

    As a parent, I identify hugely with your need to protect your child from all harm. Many of us eventually have to accept that the reality of our situations means that what is in our control is more a question of choosing the path of least harm. I believe that for your daughter this is having you totally there for her in dealing with the fall out whilst she chooses to stay in the situation, for as long as that may be. In the future there will be more to deal with, that is even further out of your control: broken hearts and dreams. I'm not looking forward to that with mine!

    It's great that she is exploring moving in with you, I hope that is possible soon. I would encourage these signs of independence but accept that her feelings may change depending on her mothers reaction and how much damage she feels a move would do to the relationship and ultimately to herself. If your ex is very selfish, she may threaten to make contact conditional on her staying. She knows she can keep your love wherever she lives.

    The above requires the patience of a saint and you need ways of dealing with the emotional effects on yourself. So keep writing about it (perhaps in the over 20s section?). The antidote to hatred is forgiveness but this is difficult to achieve when you and yours are still affected by her actions on an ongoing basis.

    When you're ready, a strategy I can suggest is to try and imagine that she will one day suffer the same treatment that she is dishing out at the moment. Perhaps, once she has experienced this, she may see things differently and be able to be a better parent. If this were to happen, would you be able to work towards forgiving this person in the future, who is able to understand and feel remorse for what they have done?

    This is not an easy task it takes committment and work, but it does seem to help reduce the worst effects of hatred. You'd be doing it for you, not for her. As long as you hate her, you are closely bound to her and her actions. She's with you and the feeling is destructive to well being. This is what usually motivates people down the path of letting it go, which is absolutely not about accepting wrong doing or excusing it in any way.

    I'm sure you'll get there in your own time, Duke. You're doing a remarkable job as a parent so far, as you are always guided by your daughter's needs. She's lucky to have you
    Last edited by Meanon; 02-13-2011 at 04:49 PM. Reason: typos

  16. #16
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    Re: I hate my ex

    Wow that was a long reply

  17. #17
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    Re: I hate my ex

    You can be quite windy when you want to!! Actually reading that gave me some insight to some of my problems as well. Not related to my children but the advice is good for other situations where you find your self on the verge of hating someone.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  18. #18
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    Re: I hate my ex

    Quote Originally Posted by Meanon View Post
    Wow that was a long reply
    Meanon, that was such a beautiful and heartfelt reply that I was tearful in reading it. Your wisdom shows through in everything you say.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  19. #19
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    Re: I hate my ex

    Lol yes, I can be quite the windbag when I get going! Thanks Luba and TKD Lady

    TKD Lady, I'm glad you found it useful. The aim to work towards is being able to wish the person well on their journey through life, including the negative experiences necessary to make them a more humane person. Not that you actually wish them well, the person of today may see that as a weakness and inflict more hurt. It's an internal process.

  20. #20
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    Re: I hate my ex

    I will try to do that. It is hard when there is still so much anger in me.

    Hope you feel better soon.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  21. #21
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    Re: I hate my ex

    Wow terrific responses, thank you all for taking the time to share!
    Quote Originally Posted by Vautrin View Post
    It seems Dwoing is on your side on this one. Which makes a world of difference. It is one thing to be compassionate, but a whole other thing to be taken advantage of. Been there, made that mistake myself. Thankfully not involving children.

    Good luck with the jobhunt in Langley then. Since I have no idea what distances are involved, could you not even just make a move there? Or does banker cat not approve of that plan?

    I hope it works out the best for you and Dwoing.
    I just want to iterate that I didn't mean to make sides or force Dwoing to either one. To Dwoings credit she isn't choosing one of us over the other for any reason other than she grew up with mom and now it's time to finish growing up with dad.

    She's cohesive enough to not bring favoritism in at any level when it comes to her decision making process and I admire her greatly for it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Luba View Post
    I'm sorry things aren't getting any better, Duke.
    I always thought it was the situation that made things bad but I realize over 14 years that it's not the situation, it's the people creating the situation of which I too am partially responsible.

    I could turn a blind eye or take the high road but on this one it just isn't serving my mental well being or peace of mind so I have to draw a line in the sand.

    I've been enabling her to be a hag for 14 years, I will enable no longer.
    Quote Originally Posted by stillafloat View Post
    Hang in there Duke.

    It seems like it lasts forever when your children have to grow up in the middle of conflict. But it does end or at least get better, I assure you.

    I went through a lot of ugly stuff with my ex because he used my daughter against me every chance he got. I cried every time I had to take her back to her father's for at least a year or more.

    Good luck in your job hunt and I hope things work out for you and your daughter.
    SAF, you pretty much hit the nail on the head. Virtually everything you said above mirrors my situation.

    Thank you for your insight!

    ...

    Wow Meanon there's a lot of insight in there so I'll have to break yours down a little bit more.
    Quote Originally Posted by Meanon
    Hatred is corrosive, so anything that helps you relieve yourself of some of it is healthy. I feel for you, Duke. If I ever felt my ex was motivated by anything other than putting the kids first I just don't know how I would handle it. As you know, things were not always this way, but even then I knew that it was the separation fall out that was the issue and that he was fundamentally a decent person and father.
    I hate using the word hate. It's actually one of the things my mother (thank you Lu) instilled in me and it's stood the test of time. I even forebode Dwoing from using the word when she was young because kids just use these words sometimes not understanding there full pretext and how bad they sound.

    In this case though I have to break past my own feelings on the word because it fits. As much as I dislike using hate, this level of self honesty has helped with the burden some. I no longer wake up in the morning pissed off at my ex for no concrete reasons as she doesn't occupy as much mental space as she did prior to coming clean in this topic.

    I know it sounds strange but it's true. Maybe this is temporary and maybe it's because I've been pre-occupied with other things but I can't deny that I'm not as mad as I was when I first started this topic.

    Of course my feelings about her remain.
    Quote Originally Posted by Meanon
    There are no easy answers, as children will discover the truth about their parent's flaws as they grow older. The point at which they do so is the point at which their sense of self is no longer invested in the parent, when they can accept them as they are. Until that point, I can't emphasise how important the need to idealise a parent is to the well being of the child. As long as they are dependent on the parent, there will be the need to legitimise their actions and internalise the ill effects of doing so. It's the survival instinct.
    I actually knew this from the beginning and embraced it pretty much from the time Dwoing was able converse.

    Before Dwoing was a tween, she knew I was a womanizer, alcoholic, pot smoker in my "haydays". I also shared with Dwoing that we were considering aborting her before she was even the size of a Popsicle stick. Some people may disagree with this level of honesty but I only have one lifetime with Dwoing so I'm going to live it right and I'm going to live it honestly. Those who want to judge can go to h3ll, Dwoing is the only one that matters here.
    Quote Originally Posted by Meanon
    Like any parent, you are bound to hate the person who makes your child feel bad. The main thing to focus on is that you can do and are doing something about it. You help her restore her self esteem when she feels bad. You show her she is worthy of unconditional love. You understand her need to retain a relationship with her mother and are supporting her in doing so until she is at the point where she feels separate enough to make the break. It's enough, she'll be fine.
    I do hate her for the way she sometimes treats our daughter but that isn't the entire picture. I also grew to hate her for her treatment of me and also the embodiment of who I viewed myself as.

    Her poor treatment of me became a part of my lifestyle whereby others felt they could treat me poorly now and again. It took me many years to realize this and a lot of anguish in standing firm in life outside the realm of "ex".

    Everyone in my life is now in line. Anyone who treats me poorly is not allowed in my life and they know why.

    It's allowed me to be honest with everyone and it feels great for the first time in many, many, years. Like all paths though, this one wound it's way to an eventual endpoint at the stoop of my ex's front door.
    Quote Originally Posted by Meanon
    As a parent, I identify hugely with your need to protect your child from all harm. Many of us eventually have to accept that the reality of our situations means that what is in our control is more a question of choosing the path of least harm. I believe that for your daughter this is having you totally there for her in dealing with the fall out whilst she chooses to stay in the situation, for as long as that may be. In the future there will be more to deal with, that is even further out of your control: broken hearts and dreams. I'm not looking forward to that with mine!
    I couldn't agree more.
    Quote Originally Posted by Meanon
    It's great that she is exploring moving in with you, I hope that is possible soon. I would encourage these signs of independence but accept that her feelings may change depending on her mothers reaction and how much damage she feels a move would do to the relationship and ultimately to herself. If your ex is very selfish, she may threaten to make contact conditional on her staying. She knows she can keep your love wherever she lives.
    Dwoing has a line just like most of us. If her mom is silly enough to take this stance I'm pretty sure Dwoing will do what needs doing regardless of how either mom or dad feel.
    Quote Originally Posted by Meanon
    The above requires the patience of a saint and you need ways of dealing with the emotional effects on yourself. So keep writing about it (perhaps in the over 20s section?). The antidote to hatred is forgiveness but this is difficult to achieve when you and yours are still affected by her actions on an ongoing basis.
    As more pops into my head I'm sure I'll update this topic. For the most part though I'd like to keep it here because I'm sure that I'm not the only person in the world who feels this way about an ex.
    Quote Originally Posted by Meanon
    When you're ready, a strategy I can suggest is to try and imagine that she will one day suffer the same treatment that she is dishing out at the moment. Perhaps, once she has experienced this, she may see things differently and be able to be a better parent. If this were to happen, would you be able to work towards forgiving this person in the future, who is able to understand and feel remorse for what they have done?
    She is suffering the effects of what she's done to me for years with her newest ex.

    Even though it does serve the "what goes around comes around" ideal, it doesn't make it satisfying. Maybe it's just me but I cannot allow myself to feel glee over someone else's misery; even if they do deserve it.

    Originally I felt it was good and might help her gain insight into what she's done in our situation but that too is giving her too much credit. At some point, one has to accept responsibility for their part in a crappy situation; she's incapable of doing this from what I've seen so even this situation will always be through no fault of her own.
    Quote Originally Posted by Meanon
    This is not an easy task it takes committment and work, but it does seem to help reduce the worst effects of hatred. You'd be doing it for you, not for her. As long as you hate her, you are closely bound to her and her actions. She's with you and the feeling is destructive to well being. This is what usually motivates people down the path of letting it go, which is absolutely not about accepting wrong doing or excusing it in any way.
    This realization is the fundamental reason behind this topic being created. It took me a long time to figure it out but eventually the thought did occur to me.
    Quote Originally Posted by Meanon
    I'm sure you'll get there in your own time, Duke. You're doing a remarkable job as a parent so far, as you are always guided by your daughter's needs. She's lucky to have you
    ...as much as I am to have her.

    ...

    Thanks all!!!
    My Daughter Rules!

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  22. #22
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    Re: I hate my ex

    Its not easy to forget your life partner after with him/her for years. But you can not even forgive what they did to you so you have to take final step of Divorce its painful.

  23. #23
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    Re: I hate my ex

    hugs. i hope things are better now.
    just continue about being a good father. you know you have done your part.

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