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  1. #1
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    Help overcoming emotional and a little physical abuse.

    Hi
    I just found this fourm tonight, hope this is the correct place to post. Before I start out, I want to say that I am aware of the many people out there who have had a far worse experience than me. I am in no way trying to put myself ahead of them, but I really need some advice.

    I was emotionally and physically abused as a child. My mother, Ann, for lack of a better term, was a b**ch. As a young child, I would ask for homework help. She would immediately get angry, try to help for a maximum of 30 seconds, and scream at me for being so stupid. Sometimes, if she felt like it, she would hit me, nothing severe, just slap or punch me. I quickly learned never to ask for any kind of help. She kicked my father out when I was 5 and never let me see him. It's a terrible thing, a boy not being able to see his father. He passed away when I was 7, and I never forgave her for not letting me see him or his side of the family before he died. But the weekend after she kicked him out, she had a boyfriend move in. The boyfriend was nice for the first couple of months, and then started acting like a jerk, ALL the time, especially after my dad died. After he died, Ann would let me see my grandparents on his side, but at most three times a year.

    I tried to run away once, right before my dad died to go see him. I got three blocks away before a schoolteacher saw me walking with no shoes or coat and stopped me and called the cops. They brought me home to a hysterical mother. I'll let you imagine what happened after the cop left. Anns abuse got worse very quickly. The hitting became more frequent for no good reason. Her favorite excuses were than my room wasn't spotless, or the house was a mess (and it was always my fault). By the age of 9, I was used to the abuse and thought it was normal. I wasn't allowed to have friends, or god forbid leave the house anytime except for school. Around that time, a small nearby church was out recruiting people to come, and I was luckly that they caught me. I was allowed to go one sunday, and i loved it. I was surrounded by truly nice people who actually cared, plus Ann wasn't there! After a couple months, when she saw that I was enjoying something, she decided to ruin it and come along. I'll tell you right now that she never got saved, in fact, that church really didn't help her mental state at all. I still continued to go, even with her, strangely, to my 9 year old self, it was a place were she wasn't herself, she had to pretend to be nice and loving. Well, her and boyfriend told me one day that they were having a baby. Since I was so young, I didn't think about the consequences. I was happy! Until I was 12.

    They would leave me at home while they were at work to take care of the kid. They were smart though, because they left her handicapped dad (an absolute wonderful man) with me so they could say an adult was there. His time there didn't involve childcare though, it included eating, watching tv, and mainly sleeping in his chair! I don't blame him for not helping, he physically couldn't. If the house didn't stay clean that day I would have to clean it right before they got home from work at 8pm, because if it wasn't I had hell to pay. Like I said, it wasn't extreme abuse. They would hit me, never anywhere to leave a visible mark, but the main abuse was emotional. They would constantly tell me (mostly screaming) how lazy and stupid I was. I was worthless and ungrateful and I ruined their lives. At that point I didn't tell anybody, even the great people at the church.

    Fast forward to me at 15. I was (and still am) incredibly ugly and was told so everyday. I had acne all over, and even though ann would go great lengths to make me feel terrible, she would never buy anything to help it. At a doctor appointment one day, the doc gave me a prescription to help with it. In the car, she threw it out the window saying I didn't need it. (even though she always said how ugly i was). She liked to drag me into the bathroom once a month. close the door, shove me up against the wall and go off on me, telling me how she raised a ugly kid. She would back me into the wall and pop the pimples on my face, very painfully, sometimes she took hours. Then she would put lotion on my face (not the best thing for acne) and wash it off with cold water. Then to humiliate me, she made her boyfriend and the kids come watch as she put makeup on me.

    She was so great at pretending to be so nice and sweet in public, but behind closed doors she was a totally different person. I can't even describe it. She had two more kids when I was between 9 and 15, and guess who had to raise them (note I didn't say care for, I said raise). When I was 16 the kid's ages were 8, 4, and 7months, and their parents trained the two older ones well how to make my life hell. They constantly trashed the house, going around messing up what I just cleaned, getting into things they weren't supposed to, and they loved calling ann at work telling her what an awful job I was doing. She would always forbid me to let them call her at work, but when she got home and the kids told her they wanted to call her, she would scream at me telling me that her kids could call her if they damn well wanted to. I was never allowed to discipline, (even say jesus doesn't like your behavior) because I would pay the price when they got home.

    In the summers, they would wake me up at 5am, tell me to wake the kids up,even the baby, (no clue why them kids couldn't sleep in, which tells me she probably wanted them up to make my life miserable) get them dressed, feed them, and get them ready for another day of isolation in the house. She spent all of her time in the bathroom, and left at 7 (she didn't have to be in til 9, what she did in between I can only imagine). The boyfriend was always gone. When he did have an evening off, he laid in the middle of the floor (no couch or bed for him) and be an ass to everybody. I would STILL have to take care of his kids, even when they were home. And if his kids told them I did anything bad to them, it was worse than ann (but not much). The oldest one's favorite lie about me was that I would strange her. My logical argument, if I did that than she would have marks, didn't work (apparently they didn't like logic for some reason).

    I would be stuck in the house all summer long, every day. Never once did I get out, except for an hour on sunday, when I had to take the kids to church, and let ann and her boyfriend (no, they never got married) have private adult time. The church people were so nice. As soon as I got in the door of the church they would take the kids and put them somewhere, and I finally got peace and quiet. One day, someone came up to me and said "You know, we can see through ann's crap". I bawled like a baby, knowing that people cared was so unfamiliar for me. They were all so very good to me. Ann's dad died when I was 15. I was so distressed. How dare he leave me alone to raise these godawful kids by myself? He had been stuck there pretty much like I had, only exception was, he never once had to do anything. Sure, he would yell at them to behave, but we all can imagine how good that went. I finally decided that God said it was time for him to be out of the misery of dealing with those kids.

    The summer after he died was so hard, because I had to do it completely alone. I missed his westerns on tv, I missed the one adult I was able to communicate with. During the school year, the morning routine was the same. I got the kids up at 5, got them dressed, cooked breakfast, fed them, fed the baby, took care of all school papers and homework. At 7, ann would take the baby ( by this time the young one was in preschool all day) to the neighbors house. I would pick her up immediately after school (if I was late, god help me) and wait for the kids to ride the bus home.

    In the summer before I was 17, I didn't care anymore about the damn kids. When ann left, I put the baby in the crib and let her sleep until lunch, at lunch fed her, changed her diaper, and put her back to sleep until right before ann came home. The baby was forbidded to sleep during the day, but ann never knew she did until one night the baby decided not to fall asleep. I was waken up at 1am and told to take care of the baby cause ann had to work in the morning. I never let her sleep during the day again. Between the ages of 11 and 16, I had suffered full blown depression a total of four different times (I felt like junk every day, but I could always tell depression apart. those who have suffered from it can understand). If it weren't for the grace of god, I would have killed myself a long time ago.

    a couple months before I turned 17, I called my grandparents on my dad's side and asked if I could move in because the state law said I legally could. They were thrilled! ann couldn't know ahead of time or she'd do something to stop me I'm sure, so on my 17th birthday they came over and I told ann I was leaving, she did her pouting, and told my grandma and grandpa to leave. They legally had to, so they walked into the street. I grabed a stack of clothes out of the closet and followed them out. Before I got to to the door, she knocked the clothes out of my hand, took a final swing at me, clawed me on the arms, and said that they could buy my damn clothes. I left with nothing. I was expecting that, but nonetheless I was thrilled to be out. I went to church the next sunday, and ann and all the kids were there. Scared me, and I walked out. the church people never said anything to her, and a few weeks later they called and basically kicked me out of the church because I was being an ass and hurting my mother so much. Guess they didn't see through her crap at all...

    My grandpa really helped me those first few months of being out. It was so hard to adjust to being free. My grandpa died a few months later, a week before christmas. All that time, I never told anyone about the abuse, because she was so good at being nice I knew the second someone came to investigate, she'd turn on the good mommy charm and send them on their way. She never treated her and her boyfriends kids the way she treated me. She treated them with love, respect, and kindness. They were allowed to have friends, and go out with them and have a good time. But only when ann was home. She didn't want them to go when she wasn't there, and the kids thought it was a logical excuse. I wonder what it's like now that ann and boyfriend have to raise their own kids? I can't say it's been all bad living there. I know how to do several things that normal people my age can't. I am more mature (no psychology class needed here, she daily told me I was stupid acting like a child so I acted like an adult). I can cook, make a budget, show appropriately, stockpile money, clean (I'm an expert), raise kids, and take care of myself.

    Being in that situation for so long has it's consequences though. I am now a bitter person, I curse a lot ( I guess to let this inside anger out) I can't stand anyone, because they all act so immature and childlike. I still have a terrible time making and trusting friends, i have no romantic relationship (because I'm so ugly and because I don't want another ann in my life). Everyday, I feel this burden on me, that I'm not like everybody else, the times I can't remember exactly every single thing that happened to me, and the hate and anger I feel at ann, boyfriend, their kids, and the loving people at church that abandoned me. This repressed memory thing really scares me. There are times that I know that ann really screwed up and I royally hate her, but I can't remember the exact events. then there are other times I lay in bed and remember it all. I really can't discuss this with anyone else.

    My grandpa was the only one I talked to after I moved out, and he knew more than anybody. I don't want my grandma to know, she knows a little, but not all, and she has too much burden on herself right now. My five new friends (yeah, a years time and I only made five friends) aren't close enough for me to talk to, my guidance counselor doesn't really have time to help (and I don't blame her, there's 1000 other people at the school), not that she knows that much anyway, can't trust her not to make a big deal out of this. i don't have money for counseling (although I probably should get some). I can't forgive ann, I should, but don't want to, because if I do, then that makes it ok, and that means that she's cleared of her actions. I know it's been a really long post, and thanks to those who have read this far, I need help overcoming all of this. Any advise?

    PS- No, I really do not care right now about what's wrong with ann psychologically. There is no excuse that makes her actions towards me right.
    Last edited by Vautrin; 12-30-2011 at 08:05 AM. Reason: Added paragraphs to ease reading

  2. #2
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    Re: Help overcoming emotional and a little physical abuse.

    Sorry cdkight but it did take me a bit of time to read through that amazing story.

    No worries about the length either. The way I see it, the more you share the less you bottle up inside so please post away if it helps you purge.

    I know "Ann" is your mother and all but "Ann" is a complete lunatic, I'm sorry. You are who you are and no parent should chastise you for it. It sounds like she put you through a living h3ll so I'm not surprised you can't get really close or trust people given the fact of your own families abhorrent behavior.

    If you want my honest opinion, I think you sound like you're doing very well given the circumstances you grew up with. The only thing I hope you can work on is trying to forget the BS your mother put you through and know that she's wrong about you and was wrong to treat you as she did.

    I think your last line says it all:
    Quote Originally Posted by cdkight
    There is no excuse that makes her actions towards me right.
    ... I couldn't agree more.

    I think what you need to do is try and accept that what happened to you is not your fault at any level and understand that the problems you faced were not your responsibility nor your fault. I can't say exactly what's wrong with your mother but suffice to say her actions are not exactly normal.

    Now that you're free from her I think it's best that you just do what in in your best interests. Try to build a life based off your ideals of right and wrong and put some energy into loving yourself.

    Also, we are here for you and always will be so if you want to talk we're here for you my friend.

    BTW, welcome to Lifesupporters!
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  3. #3
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    Re: Help overcoming emotional and a little physical abuse.

    First off, welcome to Lifesupporters cdkight. You post may have been long but if it helped you purge some of your mother's demons out of you then I am all for it. I don't really have much more to add from what Duke said except I wouldn't have been so kind in my wording regarding your mother. She had you just like she had the others. You had no choice who your mother turned out to be and I am so sorry she turned out to be such a beastly monster. I hope you can find a way to get some kind of counseling because I am sure it would help you tremendously. Just know that all the things your mother said and did were from her own warped brain. You are not ugly and you are not worthless. Believe that. Hang in there. Keep posting here as long as you like. We are anxious to get to know you better.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  4. #4
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    Re: Help overcoming emotional and a little physical abuse.

    Well said TK
    My Daughter Rules!

    Band of Others: Are you a Gamer looking for a home, look no more bro!

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  5. #5
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    Re: Help overcoming emotional and a little physical abuse.

    Thank you all for your loving words! Its been a while, but I want you all to know how grateful I am for your support.

    This thread is pretty old now, and I'm sure no one will view this again, but I need your advice.
    I am depressed right now. Depressed and very angry. I don't sleep, nor can I live any relatively normal life. I feel so overwhelmed... what can I do?

  6. #6
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    Re: Help overcoming emotional and a little physical abuse.

    Assuming your situation is similar try and see a counselor, even if it is just at school. You may think you are one of many, but you have been seriously abused, and of course it will affect you in a major way; not only with regards to Ann and her antics, but also the way you see situations, the way you act and carry yourself. People may keep their distance because of that, which is a very difficult vicious cycle to break on your own.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  7. #7
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    Re: Help overcoming emotional and a little physical abuse.

    Have you seen any kind of counselors? If you are seriously depressed you need to seek professional help and let them put you on some anit-depressant drugs. You have been through a lot and they could help you right now. Don't let this depression and anger rule your life. You need to take control of it. There are places you can get help at little to no cost to you. I don't know where you live but if you do a little research online you will find help. I am glad you came back and hope you will stick around. We will all be your shoulders and we all care about you. Now do your self another favor and seek professional help as well.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  8. #8
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    Re: Help overcoming emotional and a little physical abuse.

    Hi cdkight.

    I actually just sat here for 2 hours and wrote a post, almost as long as yours, relating point by point to how my mother also emotionally, and actually physically (with the help of my father), beat me and how it took years to work through some of that.

    But when I went to post, the site had logged me out and I lost everything.

    So, I just want to say, I get it. We feel your pain and there are no easy answers. But there is hope and it does get better. Even if we are the only people you can talk to about this, come talk to us, that is why we are here.

    Also, Western society is far to reliant upon quick fixes, like pills, so please, think long and hard before going on something as serious as anti-depressants. Seek help first, talk to someone and deal directly with your issues rather than hiding from them or dulling the pain with any type of medication.

    For what it is worth, you are strong enough to get through this and there is hope and happiness on the other side. I know this for a fact. Please talk to us.

  9. #9
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    Re: Help overcoming emotional and a little physical abuse.

    I agree whole heartedly with Paul and the only reason I suggested using some type of antidepressant was as a way to take the edge off and hoped that when you felt better you would stop using them and fix your issues from there. You just seem to be in so much pain I was thinking it might help take the edge off. I personally do not like the idea of taking any pills. But sometimes for some things it might be just the boost a person needs to help them heal. Not all of western society is looking for a quick fix. That is never the answer. When something is broken it needs to be fixed, not bandaided.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  10. #10
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    Re: Help overcoming emotional and a little physical abuse.

    Thank you for adding those great points TKDLady!

  11. #11
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    Re: Help overcoming emotional and a little physical abuse.

    Thanks for the support everybody!

    I really despise pills of any kind (they never work), so anti depressants are out of the question. Plus, I'm out of school so no counselors for me. I have no money or else I might have considered going to a professional. Someone told me once (a religious person, mind you) that its not a big deal and I should get over it. Maybe they're right...

  12. #12
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    Re: Help overcoming emotional and a little physical abuse.

    Someone told me once (a religious person, mind you) that its not a big deal and I should get over it. Maybe they're right...
    Dont go thinking like that because they are most certainly WRONG.

    There is never any excuse for "a little physical or emotional abuse"....no damn excuse at all Its the sort of thing that is so hard to work through, it very painful and it was quite a story.

    Im afraid i dont have any really useful information or any hidden secrets to help you, but i really just wanted to post and say hello and remind you that you are totally innocent, you should hold your head up high and i admire you so much for coping how you did, or have, because many other people would have crumpled and fell apart totally.

  13. #13
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    Re: Help overcoming emotional and a little physical abuse.

    What you've been through cdk will be with you the remainder of your life. There is no pill, hypnotherapy or shrink in the world that can help you change that.

    All you can do is chip away at it one day at a time and try to get to the root of your feelings whenever they crop up. Given your circumstances I'm not surprised at all that your prone to depression because you've been through a lot.

    I would suggest you try and rationalize feelings as much as possible and keep the lines of communication open.
    My Daughter Rules!

    Band of Others: Are you a Gamer looking for a home, look no more bro!

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  14. #14
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    Re: Help overcoming emotional and a little physical abuse.

    Quote Originally Posted by cdkight View Post
    Thank you all for your loving words! Its been a while, but I want you all to know how grateful I am for your support.

    This thread is pretty old now, and I'm sure no one will view this again, but I need your advice.
    I am depressed right now. Depressed and very angry. I don't sleep, nor can I live any relatively normal life. I feel so overwhelmed... what can I do?
    Counciling is the only avenue you will be expected to persue,

  15. #15
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    Re: Help overcoming emotional and a little physical abuse.

    Non of what happened to you is any of your fault. This is your life now and you need to take control. You deserve it, you deserve to be happy, you are worth it. Seek out counseling. Good luck.

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