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  1. #26
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    i just want this torture to end. i cant bear to see what this is doing to my family. i feel responsible for bringing this horrible person into their lives and ruining them. the guilt eats me up every day. i wish this mess would just disappear.

    it doesn't seem like he is still interested in this relationship because he hasn't tried to talk to me about it. so i'm not very hopeful that it will work out. either ways, even if it works out or doesn't i just hope it doesn't drag on .

  2. #27
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    I don't know why you feel responsible. You said this was an arranged marriage so you didn't bring him into your families lives, they did. Keep you head up and follow the path your heart says to. You are a good person and you deserve someone who will nurture you and love you unconditionally.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  3. #28
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    it was an arranged marriage, but my parents did have some doubts about him initially. but since i liked him so much they went ahead with it anyways . i probably wouldn't have listened to them anyways even if they tried to tell me.

    anyways this one year has given me almost a life time of experience on how people can pretend to be and that i should take everyone's words with a pinch of salt. i will try not to be so gullible in the future. it will be very hard to trust a man ever again.

    my husband made it his sole purpose in life to emotionally abuse me. there have been instances when he has said that he was scheming for weeks together just to irritate me. if i say lets do this he will purposely want to do the other. he never accepts any of my suggestions just cuz i said it. these 10 months have been a tug of war. i used to try to come home from work as late as possible just to avoid seeing him because i was constantly afraid of what he would do to create trouble. i really don't think that a marriage starting out like this could go anywhere.

    should i hope that it would get better or should i cut my loses and go?

  4. #29
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    Cut your losses and go. I don't think he will ever change and you don't need to be on that rollercoaster.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  5. #30
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    I've followed this and not said much but I think it's time for you to cut bait. It doesn't matter who you are, everyone deserves to be happy. Working on something that is a lost cause (for lack of a better phrase) does neither of you any good. Trust me...been there, done that, got the paperwork. I understand the cultural differences but it seems obvious to me as a total outsider, that there is little hope. The sooner you move on, the sooner you will be happy again. It's obvious he doesn't care about you.

    my 2 cents....
    I'm so much cooler online...

    There is no kill switch for awesome.

  6. #31
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    i think my husband and his family live just to abuse us. every evening they call my father and me and hurl abuses at us. i think its their tea time entertainment. my father says he will clean up the mess that i' ve made. but i don't want to put him through that. i don't want my family to pay for what i have done. it is clear now that my husband has no intention of getting back with me, neither is he man enough to break it off. i don't want to prolong the agony, but i don't seem to have any choice in the matter.

    the good news is that i've gotten a job and i can plan towards it. but it is so hard to think of the good things when the bad things overwhelm u. i hoped to get back together and if that wasn't possible at least an amicable divorce. but my in-laws are hell bent in dragging us through the mud. it is a tough decision, but we don't want to stoop so low. but i will get a last chance to give him a piece of my mind. i wonder if i should take it or not..

  7. #32
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    A new job may provide a welcome change of scenery. I am sure your family wants to do what is best for you, and will want to support you through this, as difficult as it is for them as well.

    As you said, he is not man enough to break things off properly, or be a proper husband to you. That is not something you can do much about; yes, you made some mistakes, but you acknowledge that, and you have learned a lot from the experience.

    Hopefully, in the future you'll find a man who will prove himself worthy of you. Not today or tomorrow, but when this mess is sorted, and your husband is out of your life, it will happen.

    Sunit, you are a lovely young lady. Consider if you would feel guilty if you spoke your mind to your husband; if you would, it would hurt you more than him, and then it is better not to.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  8. #33
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    actually right now i'm in the mood to take it out on him hoping that being honest with him would hurt him. but one can expect that kind of a reaction only from human beings right ? so it would be a lost cause and it would give them more ammunition to use against me . probably best i don't do it. but then how do i get closure..

  9. #34
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    You'll come to accept that things did not work out in due time. When you realize you made some mistakes, but nevertheless tried desperately to make things work. It takes two to make a relationship or marriage work, and you gave it your everything. He did not, for whatever reason.

    You'll get closure one way or the other. Even if you spoke your mind, and he'd respond, do you think he'd be honest with himself, be honest with you? That seems extremely doubtful.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  10. #35
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    yeah.. u are right. there is no point in telling him off. either he knows it or he's never going to know it. if he still thinks he's perfect in his mind i cant do or say anything to make him think otherwise.

    is there anything i can do for him to stop tormenting us? we have decided to avoid contact with them for at least a few months. he is trying to rush us into a divorce but the doesn't want to file it. we are not going to file it. either he files it or we continue to undergo his torment, not a good place to be in.

  11. #36
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    I am not familiar with the laws and customs surrounding divorce in India. But what difference does it make if you or he files for it?

    Another consideration may well be that the longer he remains married to you, the more money he can squeeze out of you and your family.

    Other than that, you may simply refuse to communicate with him, but that may work in his advantage as well.

    Sorry you are having such a rough time, but things will get better .
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  12. #37
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    for one.. if i file it, he's going to play the victim and trash me. i dont want to fall into another one of his traps again. i'm not sure about the legal aspects but one thing i'm quite sure of is that the laws here in india protect the young wives and what they are doing can be viewed by some as dowry abuse. i don't know how no contact can be advantageous to him cuz he is a psychopath who thrives on the misery of those around him. that's how he has lived all his life, abusing his parents and siblings.. now its my turn.

  13. #38
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    Sadly, he will keep on abusing you, for as long as he can. Because that is the way he is. So perhaps filing for divorce, as hurtful as it is, may be the quickest way of getting him out of your life. I don't know if you have mutual bank accounts, savings, and such, but don't be surprised if he is going to try to rack up some bills, just to cause some misery.

    In a sense, it would be good if you kept records of what he is doing, and what he has done in the past. He may be playing the victim for as much as he wants, but facts do not lie, even more so in a court of law if it has to come to that.

    Have you discusses the legalities with your father and mother? Perhaps it is a good idea to look at the legal aspects now, since you don't want him to maximise on the damage he can (and will) do.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  14. #39
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    well.. i think i was smart enough not to have any joint accounts or combined assets. anyways we weren't married long enough for anything permanent. so that's a relief . the longer u are married, the more complicated a divorce becomes.

  15. #40
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    That is definitely true. Sadly, he'll be trying to get as much money out of you as he can. It seems to be the only thing he cares about. Don't think his family is much better.

    I know you are reluctant to divorce. But you really should look into all the legalities now, so you can get rid of him as quickly as possible (without having to pay huge sums of money to him). The sooner he is out of your life, the sooner he'll stop abusing you, and as importantly, it will give you a chance to heal Sunit.

    Life will get better.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  16. #41
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    well.. my husband after he thoroughly abused my family and me sends me a couple of texts 2 hrs later saying he wants to work things out. this is just his game to make me make the same mistakes over and over again. i thinking he has changed would go back to him and the abuse will continue. i don't know why he wants to do this. why wont he just leave us alone ! now that i can see through his lies it just hurts more and more

  17. #42
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    Get out Sunit. If he won't file then you file. He is unhealthy for you. You deserve better
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  18. #43
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    He just wants to cause the most damage he can, or alternatively wants to get the most money out of you and your family. Neither motive is beneficial to you. You deserve better than this, and it is time to lay down the law: divorce.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  19. #44
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    today he seems to have a change of heart and wants to work things out. but i am very hesitant to believe him. this has happened time and again and i've fallen for it many a times. he just wants to brush aside the past and start afresh. i don't think that's a very good idea. it would be just ignoring the facts that made this mess in the first place. but it is also nice that his voice sounds kind. i'm torn !

  20. #45
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    If he wants to work things out, and you still believe there is a chance that things work out, the least you ought to expect is that he is willing to show a list of all the things he HAS DONE to improve himself. Not things he is saying he will do, but things he has done. Words are easy, but walking the talk is what you are after.

    I really don't see why he'll be a different man than he has been before in the year. On several occasions you gave him the 9th, 10th, 214321537th chance, and he consistently blew them.

    Frankly, if he were a decent man, he'd acknowledge that he messed up beyond repair, and that nothing he could do would come even close to make amends; that he ought to grant you a divorce since he realizes he is not good enough for you, not by a long stretch.

    You deserve better than him, you deserve better than a man who consistently plays with your heart. You are better of getting out of this marriage and finding a good man who does not constantly make you feel like you are a tightrope walker.
    Last edited by Vautrin; 03-30-2011 at 04:13 PM.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  21. #46
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    problem is that he doesn't acknowledge his problems. he keeps saying that nothing is wrong with him and he shifts blame of the things that happen around him. i don't know how to get him to admit that hes got a problem and work towards it .

    anyways i have decided to move on with my career and my life and let things unravel on their own. i am going to try not to let him hinder my life anymore. if i cannot be affected by the things he does, that will be a good thing for me.

  22. #47
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    So he is still blaming anyone but himself for his problems and issues. Seriously, not marriage material. Since he keeps on acting like a clown (sorry if I have to put it like that), you are probably better of severing 99% if not 100% of all communications with him. The less opportunity he has to hurt you, the better for you.

    You are indeed better off focusing on yourself and pursuing your goals. And probably getting that divorce sooner rather than later. You never know when you'll meet a man who is right for you.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  23. #48
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    Hi Sunit

    I too have been following your posts and agree with the good advice you have received. I thought it very likely that he would have this apparent change of heart but was hoping I was wrong. Now it has turned out this way, I feel I should share with you a possible explanation for what is happening which I feel is quite likely, but please bear in mind that as I don't know him, I may be wrong.

    I fear this man may not be capable of love as you understand it. He has been taught that people use love to abuse, manipulate and control. He is doing as he has been taught, as he understands relationships to operate. Control or be controlled.

    As soon as he was able, he asserted his need to dominate and control. The break, I believe, was designed to make you give up your career so that you went back to him, grateful for the reprieve and ready to do as he wishes.

    You are quite right, this is a medieval view of marriage that has no place in modern society, even in India. He knew you were educated and expected to make your life choices together and have an equal relationship. I doubt he ever wanted that.

    Please do not blame yourself for having been taken in by him. People who have this view of what the world is like are exceptionally manipulative, having developed this ability in order to survive in very dysfunctional families. It's bad luck he chose you.

    Please do not be taken in by him. Ideally, cut your losses and divorce. If you feel you have to give him a chance, do not return to him, don't give an inch and then see what he does next. I reckon he would soon switch back to being the unkind husband, just as he did all the other times. Decent people don't use their kindness as a strategy to avoid dealing with the consequences of abusive behaviour, only to return to that bevaviour as soon as the other person trusts them again. Indeed this is not kindness, no matter how nice he sounds.

    I wonder why it is that you seem to be considering trusting him again when he has physically abused you and reduced you to the point of suicide in the past. Before you make any move to reconcile, I feel it is important that you understand why it is you feel it must work at all costs, because he is using this to exploit you. It seems that you feel that you have to make it right because you caused the mess. But as tkd lady says, you are not responsible despite the choices you made. None of us are responsible for the actions of another person. By acting as if you are, you are giving him the control he desires. In all likelihood, this is one of the traits which attracted him to you in the first place.
    Last edited by Meanon; 03-30-2011 at 05:19 PM.

  24. #49
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    I didn't see your latest post before I wrote - I am glad you have decided it is over. No marriage is worth such misery.

  25. #50
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    hi meanon,

    u are right about his manipulating and controlling behavior. i feel that he is still trying to do that. even after everything that has happened he says he loves me and he wants me to say it back to him even if i cant. he has always been controlling and manipulative. i was too blind to it and didn't realize what he was doing. now that i know his character i feel that everything he does is a ploy to manipulate. i guess i stopped trusting him the day he told me- his newly wedded wife that he could throw me out of our rented home just because the lease is in his name.

    i feel like i have to make it work because i am not ready to face the social stigma if i don't. i will be all alone as there are no divorcees in our social circle. being separated seems like a much better option. i don't know.

    yes, i have decided not to return to him. i have gotten a job in another city and am planning to rebuild my life. and this time my house, my rules.! so i wont tolerate any misbehavior. i just hope i can get my courage back by then.

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