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  1. #1
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    in desperate need of help

    i am a 26 yr old woman who is separated after 10 months of marriage. when we met we were madly in love. but things started declining almost immediately after the marriage. we couldn't seem to agree on anything. my husband always wanted his way in everything from the little things like what movie to watch to what things we would buy for the house. initially i kept quiet and agreed to most of his things. he even went to the extent of prohibiting me to talk to my parents and physically abused me when i did. he would do things behind my back and when i confronted him he would say that it wasn't necessary for me to know about those things. he was critical of everything i did and his criticisms hurt me immensely. i tried to commit suicide once. both of us are in the same profession, so i suggested to him that we both move to a place where we could do a post graduation. he didn't want to move for the better opportunity so i told him that i would move there and we could meet each other on the weekends etc. he threatened to divorce me if i pursued my higher studies. i left him once for a month. then i reconcile with him and went back hoping things would be better. he continued to verbally abuse me and he went to the extent of verbally abusing my mother. i have separated from him now. i suggested we go for counseling but he is against it. he said that he wants a divorce so that he can marry a girl who finances his post graduate studies which costs nearly 150,000 dollars. i refused to divorce him. that was the last conversation we had and it has been a month since then. i am depressed and hurt terribly. i consulted a couselor who told me to carry on with my higher studies and wait for him to come back to me when he changes his mind. i want to work things out but what can i do if he doesn't want to ?

  2. #2
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    First of all, it is unlikely he will ever change his behavior in your marriage. He has had several chances, and he has not taken any of them. In your whole post I have not seen a single way your husband enhances your life, but I have seen 10-12 things that are clearly detrimental to you.

    Would you really want to be with a man who drives you to attempt suicide? Who physically abuses you, and emotionally abuses you and your family? Who refuses to address his issues? You deserve better than that!

    The only way you can affect "positive" change is paradoxically by divorcing him. That may sound hurtful, but consider that he is not exactly repentant for the fact that he has driven you to try and commit suicide, nor even tried to improve his behavior since. And unless you do divorce him, he will still feel that his atrocious and abusive behavior is working for him - and his actions scream out that he does not really care about you. You deserve better than that. Much better than that.

    Forgive me the strange question, but what do you like about your husband?
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  3. #3
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    Welcome to Lifesupporters Sunit. I am with Vautrin on reasons NOT to stay with him. I also did not see any reason in your post for you to even want to. He won't change and will probably get worse. He obviously wants this other woman and will probably cheat on you if he hasn't already. He definitely sounds like a man with issues. You need to get away from him and find someone who supports you and makes you happy. Not someone who abuses you in every way and causes you pain. That isn't love. Do something kind for yourself and give him his divorce. Move on and get your graduate degree. Let us know how you are doing. We are a very close online family and anyone who joins here is part of that family. We care.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  4. #4
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    @ vautrin.. thank u for your advice.. fact is both of us were a perfect couple on paper and we had this mad attraction for each other and rushed into things. i still love him and that's y it hurts so much. he is a pathological liar and i hoped i could get him some help through counseling. but he keeps saying that nothing is wrong with him. i'm still hoping we can make things better but i don't know how to make him see the reality

  5. #5
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    @tkd lady.. i don't think he has another woman in his life. he said that he will find someone who will provide him that. the next day he called me and said that he wanted to have a child with me. it was like either that or divorce. i still don't seem to understand what he wants from me money or a family. i come from a very affluent family and his side is not very affluent i feel that he doesn't like that about me.

  6. #6
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    Sunit, am I correct to assume that you are Indian and this was an arranged marriage? That is not a problem in itself, but may explain why he turned out to be a bit less than perfect than he was on paper.

    You say he is a pathological liar. I am not sure, but that may also have been on the papers (/online dating / the way he presented himself to you) which suggested he was a good match for you. He is not a good match for you, because if he were, he'd be trying to make you happy.

    It takes time to get to know people, and attraction can be very deceptive, as sadly you seem to be learning the hard way. He may be very assertive which can be extremely attractive in men, but only as long they are not abusive to their loved ones. Sadly he has proven to be abusive to you.

    Sadly, he will be projecting all his issues on you. He will never find fault with himself - it is always others who are responsible for whatever goes wrong in his life. And make you responsible for his unhappiness, when of course he is the one that has the issues, and he is only too happy to take it out on you.

    Staying with an abusive spouse will not make him less abusive. It will make him feel that he can get away with anything, and it is extremely likely that the abuse will only intensify.

    Sunit, you are a smart young woman. You deserve a lot better than what this man is giving you.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  7. #7
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    Ah, money plays a role. He does not like the fact that he and his family is not very affluent.
    he said that he wants a divorce so that he can marry a girl who finances his post graduate studies which costs nearly 150,000 dollars.
    Is this perhaps the reason he is with you?

    Having a child with this man will tie you up to him, and that will basically mean you will be even more trapped in a bad marriage than you are currently are.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  8. #8
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    vautrin, i am an indian and it was an arranged marriage. my parents had their doubts about his character, but nothing soild and since i liked him a lot we decided to go ahead with it. but a month before the marriage i had some problems with him and i asked my parents to call it off. but they were like its too late to do that. probably it was the wedding jitters. i dont know. we hoped marriage would change things but it didnt. he was never happy with anything. we went to europe for our honeymoon.. thats something most people in india dream off. but he was discontent with it. he wasnt happy with the car we gave him (he and his family nevr owned one). i always fell short trying to please him.

  9. #9
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    yYou will always fall short of pleasing him. But it is not because of you. It is because of him. Give this guy an Aston Martin, and he'll be upset it is not a Ferrari. Give this man a Ferrari, and he'll be upset it is not a McLaren F1. He'll never be content. I know that is very difficult to accept, but even if you were say Preity Zinta (or whomever he claims is perfect), he would find a million faults with her, as he would project all his issues on her.

    This man is deeply unhappy with himself. And only he himself can change that, but he needs to want that. Right now, it is obvious he does not want that. He will try to get what he wants, by the most devious means if necessary. He only cares about himself, and at best you may be a means to him to acquire his goals.

    The only chance you have for him to see the light is by actually divorcing him. And I would strongly suggest to cut him out of your life, and find a man who actually values you for who you are. You are a smart young lady.

    Please, get out of this marriage, as difficult as it will be. You deserve better than constant abuse, physical and emotional.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  10. #10
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    i dont want to make any decision when in emotional. but im always in an emotional turmoil. how do i control my hurt and feelings so that i can make a decision which i wont regret? the Indian community isn't very favorable towards divorcees. that is also one of the reasons y i don't want to divorce him. he does have some good qualities. he is caring at time, quite rare though. he is handy around the house. he his good looking . i still love him and if he could just open his eyes and leave his ego aside i still hope things could work out.

  11. #11
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    His good qualities seem few and far in-between. He threatens to divorce you whenever you do something that does not agree with him.

    Making tough decisions is not easy, especially if you are mindful of the negative consequences. Despite everything you tried, despite obviously being unhappy he still has not opened his eyes. Despite abusing you and your family, he still has not opened his eyes.
    I don't want you to end up as a statistic. Divorce is frowned upon in India. And I also know that domestic abuse is rife in India, and you don't want to end up as a statistic who has not lived her life to the fullest. Even if you divorce, your life will be better without him. You are a smart and well-educated lady, and that will count for a lot as well.

    Unless he can show tangible proof that he is serious about working on himself, I would keep my distance. You have been through this once already, and his behavior did not improve. And with tangible proof I mean more than "I am sorry"; let him make an effort to go to counseling about his issues for instance.

    If you feel unable to make a decision, definitely stay separated for the time being. And reduce contact with him for the time being. Getting some distance from him seems like a smart move. It will reduce the emotions, and will make you see things much more clearly.

    I can understand that you still love him, but I do not see good reasons for you to stay in this marriage.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  12. #12
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    thank u for your advice vautrin. i have got a job offer in the place i wanted the both of us to work together and i plan to join there by the end of next month. my parents have been very supportive of me through this ordeal mine. i'm planning to join grad school next year. maybe a new place and new people may bring some light into my life.looking forward to it. vacating the house we lived in would be very hard. im bracing myself for that day. feels like dismantling everything i put together with love and joy. i thought separation will open his eyes . it didn't. what if even divorce doesn't open his eyes? my family and i took so much pains in planning and organizing the wedding and out life. he and his folks didn't do anything except turn up for it. maybe that's y i'm finding it harder for me to let go than him. anyways.. i haven't told u his side of the story. i asked him what his issues were with me. he kept saying that i separated him from his aunt (mother's sister) by not being on good terms with her. i told him that i personally didnt like her but he can visit her whenever he wants to. his mother had borrowed the money to pay for his college education and she kept delaying paying her back and that lead to a huge problem which he blames me for. i still don't know where i fit into that issue. his other problem with me was that i don't take criticism well. i ask why criticize in the first place. he also feels that by wanting to do a post graduation i'm placing more importance on that and money than him. he is like if u wanted to study further why did u get married. i just felt that i could do that because most of my peers do that. most of us continue studying after marriage for a couple of yrs and then settle down and have a kid. i feel like i'm being punished for wanting a secure life. i married for love, companionship. i hoped my husband would provide that for me and am scared of a divorce because i might not find that again. i'm reading a lot of books and article on how to improve a marriage and everywhere it keeps telling me to love my spouse. i am doing that. but at times the hurt is so much it leads to anger. i'm trying to change my character . i'm trying not to get offended easily and short tempered. i just hope both of us can change for the better.

  13. #13
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    Sunit, I am sure you gave this marriage your best shot. He is simply not appreciative of it.

    If divorce does not open his eyes, nothing will. And there is nothing you can do about it. And it certainly would not be a good reason to remain in an abusive marriage.

    With regards to the aunt: is it not telling you are still not sure where you supposedly screwed up? He is blaming you for something he can't even explain to you. With regards to the criticism issue: he is threatening divorce left, right and center if he does not get his way. And he wonders why you find it so difficult to deal with him and things? Between the punches and abuse he hurls at you?

    And it is okay for him to spend the small sum of $150 000 on finishing his degree, but the same is not okay for you? Despite it being quite common in India for women to do that? It sounds like he has a lot of issues - he could have talked about this before the marriage. It seems he wants to be in control of you, and what you do; and wants you to accept his will as law, and is willing to abuse you to get his point across. That is not healthy.

    Sunit, love is not a one-way street. It has to come from both directions, else the marriage cannot work. It has been one-way traffic, coming from you. We all have our flaws. You included, but that does not absolve your husband from his appalling and atrocious behavior towards you and your family. As long as he refuses to take responsibility for his behavior no matter how good you are, he will not be happy. No matter how much you do, he will not be happy.

    I can understand you are afraid of divorce. It comes with a huge social stigma, not to mention the financial costs associated with it (especially if you do remarry). If you do divorce, of course it hurts. It is not a personal failure if you leave an abusive marriage after trying for so long. It would be perhaps more of a failure if you stay, because then you'd refuse to acknowledge that you deserve to be treated a whole lot better than you have been treated.

    If you divorce, you will find love and companionship in the future, from a man who will prove himself worthy of your hand, with a man who will honour you and enhance your life. A man who brings out the best in you, who does not drive you to attempt suicide, does not abuse you. Someone who will love you for who you are, character faults and all.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  14. #14
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    You can love him with all your heart but you can't make him love you back. You are young and you will find someone else and someone who will love you like you deserve to be loved. Don't waste your life with someone who can only give when it is convenient for him.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  15. #15
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    "someone who can only give when it is convenient for him." that is the exact description of him ! thank you vautrin and tkd lady for your help. i feel much better now. i'm glad i found life supporters.

    i keep blaming myself for what happened. maybe i should have taken a strong decision before the marriage. maybe i could have been more adjusting given that he has issues in life. he has a mental illness and i haven't lived upto my vow "in sickness and in health, for better for worse".

    he feels that i abandoned him and that i should apologize for it. he keeps score of things i do and plans to give me back tit for tat. is there any way to make him go for counseling so that he can be given meds to get better?

    i had given him the ultimatum that i will not move back with him unless we go for counseling. but he and his parents are against it saying that in counseling things get blown up out of proportion. he has moved back into his parents house now and he expects me to come and live with them now. its funny because he has hardly spoken to them for the past 10 yrs ever since he left for college. when that issue with his aunt and the money came up his mother came to our house to patch things between us and he threw her out of our house at 2 a.m saying that she will cause problems between us. now all of a sudden he has become her best friend. my parents feel that once he has a disagreement with his parents (which he surely will have) he will come back to me. that is his nature.

  16. #16
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    You can't do more than give him an ultimatum. If he has a history of mental illness, then there is NO reason for him to refuse to go. If he takes you up on it, good. If he refuses to, I am sad to say, that you must draw the conclusion that he does not want to make the effort to make the marriage work.

    It is funny, that when ever you ask him to do something, he claims it is a massive thing, but the other way around is "just normal".
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  17. #17
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    i think i should probably wait for 2-3 months and then ask him for one last time what he wants and if he still wants a divorce i should be strong enough to give it to him. hopefully he has given as much thought as i have given it to come to some conclusion so that all of us can move on with our lives

  18. #18
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    Sounds like the best way forward. Though it not about what he wants, it is about what you want.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  19. #19
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    i would still try to make it work if i had a choice . but the choice i have right now dont seem to be very good. i hope this no contact separation helps him to see what he is missing.

    my feeling is that once a person thinks that there are better options than their spouse they will most definitely leave if not now, 5 or 10 yrs from now. only a person who thinks that this is the best spouse for them will be keen on making the marriage work.

  20. #20
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    That is true sunit. But you must not be afraid to admit that you deserve someone who treats you better than he has. Because you deserve better. A lot better.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  21. #21
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    i have gained some confidence and feel much better after venting. i try to keep a brave face up for my parents. but at times i crumble. thanks for the support and confidence boost

  22. #22
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    I am sure your parents want what is best for you. Remember, they'd rather see you happy than miserable and suicidal.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  23. #23
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    Keep up the confidence. You will get through it Sunit. You can vent here anytime you like. Lots of shoulders to lean on here. Take care.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  24. #24
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    after almost a month of no contact separation, my mother in law called my father today and asked what we plan to do. they haven't changed one bit. still the same old story. its like fungus.. changing colors and becoming worse everyday.

    i managed to grasp a bit of the phone conversation. it seems my husband wants me to be submissive to him.. where does he come from? the 1800's ? he should have married someone who is uneducated or is desperate enough to hang on to him, not me ! or he should have told me this before the wedding. if wanting to pursue my career is being looked at as not being submissive i really don't know what i should do.i just cant throw away my 5 yrs of college education . in fact i did stop going for work and stayed at home being submissive and all. but how can i live without a job with a person who wont pay for the house help just because i employed her. where does he expect me to get money from when i'm unemployed.

    my dad said that the only thing they want is for me to be happy which she misconstrued as a condition! where did these people come from! being a woman and the mother of 2 daughters u would think she would think differently. would she expect her daughters to be submissive to their husbands. and who in the world would force their daughter in-law to have a child with a separated husband. are these people crazy? or plain stupid?

    i still haven't spoken to my husband. i don't think it will do any good since he hasn't changed his attitude. i still cant believe how stupid i was to get into such a mess like this.

  25. #25
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    Re: in desperate need of help

    That sounds dreadful Sunit. Perhaps your husband imagines his life to be free, and paid for by your family?!? It seems the in-laws are not much better.

    He wants you as he imagines you should be, not as you are. You can do much better than that.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

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