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  1. #26
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    Is this the friend that betrayed her trust? If so then, that makes perfect sense, as she will be afraid the her best friend may spill the beans a second time.

    You should also bear in mind that people are different, and while some are good at dealing with emotional issues, some are not that great (just think of your guy friends). A friend with whom you can have a blast of a party is not necessarily the right person to talk about marital problems. Amongst her friends, she will pick the people she feels she can trust. Also important to her is that said friend(s) will understand her, and help her understand a bit better.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  2. #27
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    Alright so I'm getting a little paranoid!

    This morning my Hotmail wasn't working from work, and a friend had sent me a site I needed to pick up for a meeting at 9:30 AM. My wife has a friend named "John" who she's been friends with for a long time. I had her log into Hotmail to get the site for me. I was trying from work as well. It finally started working as soon as she got into hotmail, and I got my inbox at about the same time she did.

    I saw for like less then a few seconds an e-mail from a guy named "John xxxx" who I'm pretty sure I've seen on her Facebook and I believe is the same John. She read and deleted that e-mail before I saw any of it.

    I've never met him or talked to him, he doesn't know my e-mail address. Obviously he went through some digging to find it and send me an e-mail.

    Then tonight I went for a good 2 hour walk to blow off some steam. We were talking by bbm while I was walking and when I told her I needed a good 2-3 hour walk/hike she thought i was freaking out about something and told me to go to bed. So I stopped talking and tried to call her twice and she didn't pick up. Am I crazy to think the worst here?

    Anyway I guess I can't sweat it too much. Like I said if she decides to mess around while we're separated I guess I can't do anything other then decide if I'm willing to accept that and move on if we try to reconcile.

  3. #28
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    Don't assume anything. Thinking about things you cannot know, will only wear you down. There are too many, some unlikely, explanations to really be certain of what is happening. Something may be going on, and it may not. Either way there would be nothing you can do about it.

    Sure her interpretation of events may be construed as 'freaking out', and a sign of a guilty conscience, but it may also be true that you hardly engaged in taking such long walks when life was less complicated, and that she is 'freaked out', because you are showing a different side to yourself.

    I would not mention John, nor pay too much attention to your wife's facebook page. Or any other online social network for that matter. Simply because it is hard to untangle the real from the fake, the bizarre from the honest. The quirky from the well-intended. Especially since you are obviously involved with your wife, and thus you are naturally inclined to see threats when they may not be there.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  4. #29
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    Thanks Vautrin, that was some needed wisdom

    I'm being accused of "creeping" her and hacking her friends hotmail and sending the above e-mail right now. Not sure what's going on. I don't even know what was in the e-mail and she won't tell me. So far I rolled with it and am trying to brush it off. Kind of worries me that this is such a big deal.

    No I'm not keeping tabs on her at all. I just mean over the years I've seen his name on Facebook.

    Like I said I know she's going to do what she wants, but we had agreed to no sleeping with other people at the beginning of the separation. So I just hope she's being honest.

  5. #30
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    It concerns me that of the accusations that are coming your way. I don't know if I'm even close to reading it right, but it sounds like she is blaming you for something, maybe to ease her own conscience? Gosh, I hope I'm reading that all wrong. Anyway, my advice would be not to 'bite' at anything she throws at you. It would also be a good idea to keep a journal of all that's going on, just in case you need it in the future if things go awry, which I honestly and truly hope they don't and that you both are able to work things out.

    I also think Vautrin gave wonderful advice.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  6. #31
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    After the accusations and such today I suggested we really truly separate for a few weeks. She seems to be blaming me for things, and having a short fuse with every little thing I do. We deleted eachother from BBM (I actually kind of feel a weight lifted from that haha... it's way too easy to talk). At this point I really think the only hope I have to try and heal the relationship is to cut her loose and hopefully she'll realize what she's missing without me.

    Obviously we have to see each other because of our child. We set some separation rules and decided we'll sit down on August 7th and see where we are. I told her to call me if she wants to talk about it before then.

    I didn't want this ease of access we have to each other because of technology to make it too easy to argue. I thought she might be, but she seems like she's not ready for anything at this point, and me pushing her will do nothing for our relationship.

    I'll be reflecting and figuring out what I want as well, some distance might help clear my mind. I guess being the one that the separation was initiated on obviously I'm having a harder time adjusting to it.

  7. #32
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    Spend the time well, and do not over-analyze. That is all you can do. And make certain that your child is a priority in your life.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  8. #33
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    I really appreciate the love and support you guys have shown me, a total stranger.

    The little guy is #1 now and always It's tough because he lives an hour away now but my living situation is now fluid.

    I hope I've handled this correctly, obviously I've had good and bad days since we separated 6ish weeks ago. The hardest part I think I've had dealing with it is the moodiness, some days she seems like she's on the brink of throwing herself back at me and some days it seems like she can't stand me.

    My whole goal through it was to let her know I love her and am here when she's ready. At the same time telling her there's nothing wrong with what she's feeling, and that she may decide I'm not what she wants, but I truly believe that I am.

    Now it's out of my hands It's almost an emotional relief to let go, and just know that for a short while anyway the roller coaster has stopped and I can relax a bit and do my own thing until she either asks to reconcile or divorce.

    I'm so torn as to what level of communication is okay at this point. Obviously I want to let her initiate as much communication as possible, as I don't want to seem like I'm encroaching on the separation.

    Would an occasional romantic email be okay? Like once a week?

  9. #34
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    Would an occasional romantic email be okay? Like once a week?
    I sat there staring at that sentence for about five minutes thinking what I would do if I were in your place.

    It bothers me that she seems to have such highs and lows as in this sentence:

    The hardest part I think I've had dealing with it is the moodiness, some days she seems like she's on the brink of throwing herself back at me and some days it seems like she can't stand me.
    There may be an issue that may take looking into by a professional.

    While it is a good idea to be supportive, but to be taking verbal abuse is quite another.

    I'm sorry, but a person can't have their cake and eat it, too, as the saying goes. If you're too romantic, it will just build up her ego and keep you on a string.

    I think I would go on what I know for sure, and that would be getting my own life with things I need to do for me, while being supportive by saying "I'm here for you if you need me, but I'm also doing things for myself." That may just give her a little nudge to make her see that you just aren't sitting around waiting for her to decide.

    Actually, doing things you love with also help if she decides she doesn't want to return. I send you tremendous kudos for the way you have handled/are handling this situation.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  10. #35
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    Luba said it better than I would have. But I do not think romantic emails are a good idea until she is totally and fully back with you and things are good. Move on, do things you love and enjoy and let her decide what she wants on her own. The romance will just muddy the water so to speak. Sorry to be so blunt but all you will be doing is adding to whatever confusion she is already suffering. Just my opinion.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  11. #36
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    Thanks guys, I'm gonna leave her alone.

    I felt like it was borderline verbal abuse and I know I don't deserve that. I made sure she knows I'm here for her, but we both agreed the amount we were talking was just confusing her more. Hence the further separation for now.

  12. #37
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    Really.. thank you guys I know there's nothing I can do about how she feels right now but hearing that other people outside the situation think I'm handling it well really helps.

    Obviously my self esteem and confidence has taken a huge hit through all of this. Although the guy friends from earlier (the F her ones) really weren't helpful as far as advice on what to do they definitely helped boost me up to an extent.

    We'll see what the next month brings, I'll have to hold back, be patient and live my life.

  13. #38
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    So my wife admitted she slept with someone else during our separation.

    Well really she was forced to because her house-mates ex-boyfriend told me.

    I think I can forgive it. I have actually slept with her since it happened, already. Although I didn't know at the time.

    The biggest disappointment to me is the lieing. I can even handle the stupid decision to sleep with someone else I think, the lieing and dishonesty is what kills me.

    More for me to think about.

  14. #39
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    I am sorry to hear that Andy. Don't think too much about it. The more you think about it, the harder it becomes, especially as more and more information seeps through.

    Just see where things are on the 7th of August.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  15. #40
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    Thanks Vautrin.

    I'm struggling with this so hard today.

    Basically I'm feeling like she's using my patience as a chance to go and live the single life for a few months, then maybe come back as if nothing happened.. have her cake and eat it too. I feel like my trust has been violated and I'm confused now.

    I'm trying to not think about it. That's a tough task right now though

  16. #41
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    I don't see how seeing and sleeping with others helps you work on your own marriage. I thought separating was to be used to reflect on if there is a fix or not. I think the ground rules should be agreed to and adhered to. JMHO.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  17. #42
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    It sounds like she wants to see if the grass is greener on the other side and if it isn't she will come back.


  18. #43
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    I've never believed that a separation is a way to work things out. I see it as making even more confusion, and making more problems, a rift even.

    I know sometimes people say they need a 'cooling off' period and move out. I believe the only way a person moves out if everything has been done that could be done, and then the move is necessary. JMHO.

    It's sad to say that your trust has been betrayed, Andyd.

    Just so you know, we are here for you. Sending you today, you are not alone.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  19. #44
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    It is hard to tell why it happened. She may feel she missed out on something, who knows. It may have been an "honest" mistake as well (I don't know a thing about the circumstances, it is not my place to judge). It is not for you to worry about.
    Your wife has to figure that out, and if and when she does, only then do you enter the picture. If she does not want to give the marriage her best shot, then you are simply powerless, no matter whether or not you can see past the deceit and the cheating. It is not fair, but sadly, that is the way it is.

    The more you worry about that, the more you are basically wasting your own emotional energy, dealing with all sorts of eventualities that may never come to pass. Doubts are very cruel.

    Spend some time on yourself, as difficult as that must be right now. See what the seventh brings.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  20. #45
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    Thanks guys for the support yesterday. It was definitely an SOS kind of day.

    Yesterday was absolutely horrendous. I did a lot of things to keep my mind off it.. I finished work and headed to a party I was invited to with a bunch of friends from high school.. some of them asked how the family was and I didn't lie, but didn't give all the details. There was a girl there that overheard that conversation that I knew had a crush on me in high school. She got a little too aggressive So I ended up leaving, to say I wasn't tempted to stay and see where things go would be a lie (especially after the hurt of the last two days), but in the end I didn't want to leave myself in that situation. Ended up heading back home and grabbed a few drinks with some different friends instead, was a pretty good night overall.

    It's actually my wife's weekend with my son but I didn't get to see him much this week. Asked if I could take him tonight and she of course said yes. Met them at a walmart to get him, couldn't believe the smile on his face and the running jump into my arms I got Best feeling of the week.

    I think the other positive is my wife had a huge smile on her face when she saw me. I was worried about my initial reaction when I saw her after finding out about the other guy. Somehow a big smile came to my face too. I must be frickin crazy lol.

    Anyway we spent about 20 mins together after I picked up our son. It wasn't as bad as I would have thought considering the past couple of days. We were actually able to joke and laugh together.

    I'm kind of using this thread as a journal for myself and others... you're getting a good look at my private thoughts :P

  21. #46
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    That is a good way of handling the situation. You going of a handle in front of her would only have added to both your confusion.

    Keep it up, and keep yourself distracted.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  22. #47
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    Hey Andy,

    How are things?
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  23. #48
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    Well, she really likes to confuse me.

    When we separated the first time for about 12 hours we discussed the fact that living away from her friends and family was causing issues with her. We rent a 2 bedroom townhouse. So we actually put our 60 days notice in at our place, which expires August 1.

    She came to the house on Monday night to pack and clean. She ended up staying overnight.

    She jumped me in the basement and kissed me and told me she loves me. She tried to sleep with me that night, and we did sleep in bed together but I asked if she had figured anything out about how she was feeling, and she said no. I told her I wasn't ready to have sex with her yet. Was so close to giving in.

    I'm going to see her almost every night this week as I bring her stuff from our house. My dates for Chicago changed so I'm not back until the 11th of August now.

    I'm thinking of the day before I leave sitting her down and saying something like if she has interest in trying to work things out then I expect her to be at the airport to pick me up. If she is still confused or doesn't, when I get back I'm going to have to really start facing the fact that she may not come back, and try to move on a little every day. Not a drop dead date or anything.. but maybe a deadline to force her to think about things. Thoughts?

  24. #49
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    I'm thinking of the day before I leave sitting her down and saying something like if she has interest in trying to work things out then I expect her to be at the airport to pick me up. If she is still confused or doesn't, when I get back I'm going to have to really start facing the fact that she may not come back, and try to move on a little every day. Not a drop dead date or anything.. but maybe a deadline to force her to think about things. Thoughts?
    I think that's a great idea! Let me add that saying that with extreme gentleness will have more impact than saying "you MUST pick me up at the airport."
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  25. #50
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    Re: Desperate separation..

    Her motives are key. If she does not find some clarity soon, then you'll be reduced to be at the mercy of her whims - and that will be untenable in the long term. Then showing up at the airport would prolong things, but with little hope of positive developments.

    I doubt that such a move would result in much clarity for you or for your wife at the moment. I say this because she pursued sex with you, but without any clarity of her own feelings. I am not saying she is deliberately confusing you, but that is the net result of her actions; if you had given in, it would have been even worse on you. And that may well be an ongoing theme in the coming months, I am sad to say.

    Has she actually done anything to pursue counseling? How is she making ends meet?

    Rather the trip to Chicago may provide you both with an opportunity to spend some time away from each other, and figure out what you both want.

    You can't force her to make a decision, but you can decide that if she remains unwilling or unable to make a positive decision, that you should start considering going separate ways. There would be no need to tell her - if anything you should not tell her, precisely because it may put unfair pressure on her.

    Of course it would be unfair on her to expect things to be perfect come August 11. But you can set yourself reasonable benchmarks, and see if she is moving in the right direction for you.
    For instance, if she still would not have addressed the counseling on August 11th, you may well tell yourself, that she is not putting in the work needed. Likewise if she offers on her own volition to pick you up from the airport, you may well see that as a positive sign.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

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