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  1. #1
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    Unhappy Married to a drug addict

    hi everyone,

    so im married to a drug addict! been married 6 years.

    i have a 5 year old son. he was an addict before i met him but he didnt tell me.

    I live in a house that belongs to my husbands parents and they dont want me to ask him to leave.

    He has relapsed once again. i think my husbands parents are in denial and are cleaning up his mess once again. They are such wonderful people and they dont deserve to have to deal with this but unfortunately i dont ever think they will turn thier back on him so that he can seek help on his own again. The only reason that he is seeking help is because i have caught him out again. not only that he has been cheating on me.

    i am afraid because i feel the right thing to do is send him out so that he can clean him self up without the aid of someone else because that is the only way he is going to learn from this and that there is real consequences to his actions.

    In the meantime i cant tell anyone and i cant go anywhere .... my disappointment is turning into hate. I have two elderly pets i cant leave behind by moving somewhere else as its impossiable to get a rental that will allow pets and besides i have 200 buck to my name. my cat is 13 for goodness sake.

    i dont think he will ever change and i feel trapped and i dont know what the next move is .... all i know is i dont want the next move to involve him!!!

    any advice GREATLY appreciated


  2. #2
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    Re: Married to a drug addict

    Welcome to Lifesupporters, overit, I'm sorry it's under such sad circumstances.

    I want to take some time to think about a response for you, but just wanted to welcome you so that you know we are here for you.

    My first thought is 'intervention' but you mention his parents are in denial. If they refuse to help, in my opinion, it is only enabling him to continue in his ways.

    I would add my second thought is to 'run for the hills' since he's cheating as well, but you mention the money factor and your pets.

    You mention you can't tell anyone, how about your own family? Would they not be willing to help you out of such a heartbreaking situation?
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  3. #3
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    Re: Married to a drug addict

    Hello and welcome to Lifesupporters overit.

    I'm very sorry to hear of your situation because you really do sound trapped at the moment. It sounds to me like your suffering from two things really and I'm unsure of which is worse, your husbands abuses or your lack of control over your own situation?

    I think the only way you're really going to find clarity in the situation is to pretend you had the means to walk away from the situation, would you? If you were in a better financial position and would walk away under those circumstances, your best answer may be in gaining some control over your own situation and secure some means of personal income.

    If finances were not an issue and you'd still stay and try to help your husband through this then I'd agree with Luba that an intervention may be exactly what you need. The one thing I like about interventions is their not only for the addict but for the people empowering this behavior (such as the parents). If an addict thinks he has a support structure to pick him up every time he falls, what motivation is there to actually get better?

    Either way, I would seriously consider making changes so you can improve your financial situation because it not only empowers you to take control over yourself, it empowers you to act in the best interests of your son.
    My Daughter Rules!

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  4. #4
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    Re: Married to a drug addict

    Greetings Overit.

    I am so sorry you are having to go through something like this.
    I know you are scared and things look bleak.

    Regardless of the reason, at least he is seeking help and maybe that will help things work out.

    It would be good if you and his parents could find a way to work together to show him the hurt and anger his actions are causing. However, it may be difficult since it is their home.

    I think you are right to have him leave until he has contol over his condition, especially since it sounds as though you have dealt with this throughout your entire marriage. My concern is that the longer things stay the same the more the hurt and anger will build and maybe lead to physical abuse. You should not have to live in a situation where you are not comfortable even if it means having to start over with nothing. You would be surprised at how many folks will step up to the plate and help you out if you are the one that ends up moving. I had to leave my first marriage quickly due to abuse issues and all I had was $50.00, my dresser full of clothes, and a used up car.

    I know about the frustration and you might finding someone you can talk with to help vent and keep your stress balanced as best as possible. Living in a situation like that can turn a person into someone they don't want to be.

    I wish you well. Keep your chin up.

  5. #5
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    Re: Married to a drug addict

    well, im not even allowed to say anything that might upset him (in law) because he might take off etc . .........

    ive made my decision over night (well many nights really) Im outta here. All thats happening here is everyone is babying him so that he can get better. Its not going to work .

    im packing up my stuff and my beautiful child and im getting the bloody hell outta here. Child goes to school today so ill orrganise everything while he is there and pick him up and go on a little "holiday" , he'll love it.

  6. #6
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    Re: Married to a drug addict

    That might not be a bad call.

    As much as you may want things to work, they won't work unless he is at least dealing with his own issues (and you may feel too much bridges have been burnt regardless). Any friends or family near you?
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  7. #7
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    Re: Married to a drug addict

    yeah i have family to go to. they just dont know whats going on because it might look bad on him. not my decision.
    But that is just to bad for him now
    .....

  8. #8
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    Re: Married to a drug addict

    Pretending that nothing is wrong is not going to help him. It is better for your family to know what is going on. It may hurt (especially if they did not like the guy to begin with), but rather that than indefinitely prolonging your misery.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  9. #9
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    Re: Married to a drug addict

    Please let us know how you are doing when you get to another place, overit. We want to know if you are okay or will be okay.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  10. #10
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    Re: Married to a drug addict

    Hello! My heart goes out to you. I am so glad to hear that you're leaving. That is not a situation I would wish upon anyone.

    I truly hope your family is there to support you through this, it sounds like you're a strong woman doing the right thing.

    Please let us know how it goes!!

  11. #11
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    Re: Married to a drug addict

    Overit,

    Welcome to this forum.

    I hope you manage to come back and let us know how things are.

    The most important people for you to think about now is yourself and your son.

    Please come back and let us know how you are doing.

    I wish you well.

  12. #12
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    Smile Re: Married to a drug addict

    slept well last night..... we're ok x

  13. #13
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    Re: Married to a drug addict

    Glad to hear you are ok. Hopefully your family and friends can be supportive of you in real life as well.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  14. #14
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    Re: Married to a drug addict

    Nice to see you back.

  15. #15
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    Re: Married to a drug addict

    so im back again.... and hes gone .... have my son in his own house where he belongs.... its finally over.

    phew

    I hope i keep this positive frame of mind up too.

  16. #16
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    Re: Married to a drug addict

    I think it will only continue to get better. Sure there will be struggles and ups and downs but all of that is much easier when you're stress level isn't through the roof.

    Plus you have what really matters in this world next to you, your son.
    My Daughter Rules!

    Band of Others: Are you a Gamer looking for a home, look no more bro!

    Ofear.com: Confronting fears, phobias, and panic attacks, in a friendly online community.

    Movie Talk: Like discussing movies, tv and streaming media, well so do we.

  17. #17
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    Re: Married to a drug addict

    Quote Originally Posted by overit View Post
    so im back again.... and hes gone .... have my son in his own house where he belongs.... its finally over.

    phew

    I hope i keep this positive frame of mind up too.
    I'm SO glad that you are okay and moving on with you and your son, overit!

    Keep coming back, you are one of the family!
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  18. #18
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    Re: Married to a drug addict

    ok so, im back home and doing well.... but why do i feel sorry for him? its me and my kid i should be worried about?

  19. #19
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    Re: Married to a drug addict

    Quote Originally Posted by overit View Post
    ok so, im back home and doing well.... but why do i feel sorry for him? its me and my kid i should be worried about?
    I think that's normal, especially if you miss him and suddenly the good times you've had come to your mind. Sometimes it's guilt that comes up for some reason saying "if only I did something different". If that is happening somewhat, please don't take that on for yourself. It may weaken you, and if he tries to work on your feelings that you've had for each other (not saying he will), you may end up taking him back when it's up to him to get himself together, get help, and search his Soul to change and find a way to do that.

    More women than not have fallen under a second spell, only to find it harder to get out. He has to prove to you that he's changed, and only the work he does and the time he takes doing that, will prove if he's sincere and able. JMHO.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  20. #20
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    Re: Married to a drug addict

    I agree with Luba.
    It is not wrong to feel sad about what has happened but don't let it get the best of you. There are good times to come.

    It is good you are able to now move on and do what is best for you and your son. You have your health, your friends and family, and a chance to be really happy.

  21. #21
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    Re: Married to a drug addict

    Well, Overit. I am a recovered addict/Alcoholic and have over 7 years sobriety. And my last job was working in a drug and alcohol treatment center....So let me give you hope that it's possible for him to get over it. But he is in for the battle of his life.

    AA and NA are there for a reason, and very few can clean themselves up on their own.. You are correct that you have to set some rules down, but throwing him out will probably just give him a excuse to use. Depending on how heavy his use and what his drug of choice is, he with probable need a 5 day detox, under supervision.

    And he needs a sponsor for accountability. As you are very aware addicts are very irresponsible and need guildance to get them back on track.

    If you have any questions, or suggestions Please ask. Anytime !!

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