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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
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    5

    Help me please!!!

    Hi.
    Very new to this site and am just looking to just share what's going on and get some views and some advice really.

    This year has not been particulary good for me lately. I was in a very bad relationship for the last five years. It wasn't bad to start off with but as we both grew up, we just drifted apart. He wasn't particulary good to me for the last 18 months of our relationship constant cheating, lying, putting me down at any given opportunity. It left me feeling very worthless.

    It started last October when I found out I was pregnant, I wanted the baby we both had good jobs could support ourselves and we had been together for four years at the time. My boyfriend gave me the choice to either get rid of the baby or I would lose him. So out of love for him I had an abortion something I still struggle with now.

    I then found out he had been cheating on me with a girl he worked with amongst others. He would lie to me about where he was. I then found out he was cheating with one of our friends girlfriends and my best friend as well. We stayed together, me wanting to work things out as I loved him.

    It continued up until march this year, when it all came to a head on my birthday when he refused to see me and spent the day with his other girlfriend. I just could not take this and I kicked off quite badly and he dumped me.

    I struggled with this I loved him and did not want to be alone, I felt so bad I attempted Suicide. After we spilt I realised how much debt I had got myself into from buying him the things he wanted to try and keep him. I just spriraled down from here continued to borrow just to shop and go out.

    One night out of revenge on my ex I slept with his friend, he was my friends boyfriend. I feel so guilty about it to this day, it didn't matter that I was hurting anybody I just wanted to feel needed and loved again! This just made the situation worse I just kept on sleeping around I didn't care who or where. I'm drinking non stop and everything is suffering.

    My ex has spread rumours round that I cheated non stop which I didn't, I've lost my friends and close family members because of his lies. I want my old life back. To make it worse my ex keeps wanting to be 'friends' every time he comes back into my life we have sex, them he leaves and just ignores me for weeks. I miss him and still love him. Every time I think I'm over him he just comes back.

    I need to stop and I'm trying but I just get so lonely without him, due to the rumours I'm left with nobody. I just want to feel normal again and like I'm not the worthless scum that I feel that I am.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere over the rainbow!
    Posts
    26,558

    Re: Help me please!!!

    Welcome to Lifesupporters, Shabby,and let me first say you are NOT scum! That is the first thing to change in your thinking. You made mistakes as every human on this planet has, and in order for you to get your self-esteem back you have to get into another frame of mind. You also have joined a very caring, accepting, and non-judgmental place where, all of us who are are, have gone through hardships in life.

    I have to say the man is totally disrespecting you and you don't deserve that either. You need to find a way to be strong and cut him out of your life once and for all, or you won't be able to move on with yours. If I may say and I hope I don't hurt you by asking it, is it possible your fear of being alone is deeper than your love for him?

    I'll make this short for now as I see you are still logged in and I wanted to welcome you to a warm, caring place and to tell you that you are alone no longer.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    5

    Re: Help me please!!!

    Being alone is one of my biggest fears, I trusted him with everything all my deepest secrets everything I have been through. I'm only twenty and being single has knocked me for six as I have no idea what to do with myself.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Sydney Australia.
    Posts
    1,068

    Re: Help me please!!!

    Hello Shabby

    No one is perfect and ok, youve made a few mistakes or unwise choices due to your situation.

    But you deserve so much better than this man who is obviously just using you and only comes around when he wants some sex. You need love.....you need security and dependability....you dont need him.

    I can imagine how lonely and sad you feel so i think the only thing we can do now is to look forward, look to making some good decisions rather than the recent poor ones and lets get back onto stable ground. It would have been great if your friends and family were there to support you but sadly, you dont feel this is the case.

    I think that you need to cease all communication of any sort with him. I cant see you moving forward whilst he is lingering around and upsetting you.......

    Lets take some positive steps to doing what is right for YOU

    You will feel lonely for a while and we need to fight that, to remain strong and things will soon improve

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
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    Somewhere over the rainbow!
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    Re: Help me please!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Shabby View Post
    Being alone is one of my biggest fears, I trusted him with everything all my deepest secrets everything I have been through. I'm only twenty and being single has knocked me for six as I have no idea what to do with myself.
    Shabby, may I ask what kinds of things you used to love to do before you met him? You need to find those things again, or find new ones.

    I find it difficult to understand why your family would believe him and not you? Maybe the first step is going to someone in your family who you are the closest to and talk to him/her.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    5

    Re: Help me please!!!

    I was only 15 when we got together, so I didn't really do anything apart from School.
    I still have my mum who has been amazing, but we weren't a close family and I fell out with my sister before me and Jay spilt up and she always took his side when we argued it was me in the wrong. I have tried talking to my mum but I don't want her to worry about me, she has changed her attitude towards me since I left hospital...I just want to wake up and not feel like this any more?

    Xx

  7. #7
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    Jun 2005
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    Re: Help me please!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Shabby View Post
    I was only 15 when we got together, so I didn't really do anything apart from School.
    I still have my mum who has been amazing, but we weren't a close family and I fell out with my sister before me and Jay spilt up and she always took his side when we argued it was me in the wrong. I have tried talking to my mum but I don't want her to worry about me, she has changed her attitude towards me since I left hospital...I just want to wake up and not feel like this any more?

    Xx
    Shabby, could you explain a little more? Did your Mom change her attitude after your abortion or attempted suicide? How did she change, and what did she say to you?

    Do you have any close girl friends to talk to, or maybe think of going to a counselor?

    You have found a caring place here, so just keep coming back and we'll keep listening and helping as much as possible.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Sydney Australia.
    Posts
    1,068

    Re: Help me please!!!

    I just want to wake up and not feel like this any more? Xx
    Im afraid this isnt going to happen.

    Lets try and work out how we can help you get through....Is there any old school friends that you were perhaps close to but then drifted away from, anyone that you were friends with that we can remake contact with, to have some fun and company, a person to talk to or look forward to going for a coffee with?........anyone at all?

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    5

    Re: Help me please!!!

    It was after my suicide attempt, she just walks on eggshells around me which I understand as she is scared, but I haven't felt that low since I came out of hospital. She doesn't listen. Where I live the waiting list for a counsellor can be up to six months and it's only a 6 week course at that and I've tried it helps but it ends by the time I'm
    Making progress.

    Hence why I'm looking to talk things through on here

    Xx

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
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    Somewhere over the rainbow!
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    Re: Help me please!!!

    Well then, Shabby, I'm glad you came here as now you are among people that care about you and will do everything possible to listen and help.

    Do you have a pet that you can cuddle with? They are such a help when you feel alone as you get nothing but unconditional love from them. If you don't have one, maybe you can get a cat. Maybe even a little dog that you can take for a walk which will help considerably.

    Do you read, do crosswords, crochet, knit, cook, play a musical instrument? Do I understand correctly that you have a good job? If so, how are your co-workers towards you?

    If you are still buying him things, please stop. You are being used in more ways than one.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere over the rainbow!
    Posts
    26,558

    Re: Help me please!!!

    Shabby, I have to log out now but will check in tomorrow to post with you again to help in any way I can.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  12. #12
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    The Cloud of Unknowing
    Posts
    17,425

    Re: Help me please!!!

    I am sorry to hear that life has given you a hard hand Shabby.

    You are definitely better off without this artwork that only uses you, and is only around when it is convenient for him. You deserve better than that. As hard as it may be to believe, sometimes it is better to be on your own than in a relationship, especially when that relationship is not working for you.

    Being single can be a big challenge, especially if you don't know what to do with yourself. Luba's suggestions are great, but I'd also like to add that it might be a good thing for you to take some 'me' time for yourself. To work on yourself, to deal with your issues. I don't mean to suggest you should engage in constantly being critical of yourself, punishing yourself for whatever you deem to be your mistakes - when we are feeling bad about ourselves, we can be our own worst enemies, and even make ourselves feel bad about our good qualities.

    I am not sure if you live in a big city, or in a one horse town, where everyone knows everyone. If the latter a slight change of scenery may be something to consider. You will probably be tired of fighting the same rumours and lies over and over again. Decent people don't judge others, certainly not on the basis of the words of a third party, who may have an agenda in saying these things. Those would be the people you could never convince of the truth anyway.

    You undoubtedly have many great qualities, please remind yourself of those regularly. Your life is about more than this guy who has not treated you right at all.
    There is no need to chastise ourselves endlessly for things we cannot change; it will achieve nothing positive. As difficult as it is, we all must learn to accept the fact we occasionally make mistakes, big ones at that, and that life often does not work out in the way we imagined.

    Take up some interests you have (had). Or try new things. Try to meet people with similar interests. Whether that is knitting, cooking, sports, dancing or what.

    Do apply for that six weeks of counseling. Even if you have to wait six months, it won't hurt when you finally qualify. Also I would check if you can't get something longer, that would be more fitting for a person who has had an extremely rough 12 months.

    With regards to your mom, relatives often find it difficult to understand why someone they love may attempt suicide. They may often wonder if and how they may have contributed to it, and as a result they often seem to be walking on egg shells in an attempt not to upset the balance. When they come to realize that your perception of reality was different to what they believed it to be, it comes as a shock to the system, which may also mean that people start to second guess your words and implied meaning. That can be a very frustrating battle for people in your situation Shabby.
    The only way to convince her that you are doing fine is by actually doing fine. I know it does not sound helpful, but mothers tend to worry about their children - they often see it as part of their job. I think your mom will find it easier not to talk past you, when she stops second guessing what is going on in your mind.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    5

    Re: Help me please!!!

    Thank you for listening last night was the night in over six months where I have actually slept properly! I have been thinking long and hard today about so much and will be putting things in place to move on with my life.
    Such as cutting him out of my life once and for all!

    Xx

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
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    Re: Help me please!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Shabby View Post
    Thank you for listening last night was the night in over six months where I have actually slept properly! I have been thinking long and hard today about so much and will be putting things in place to move on with my life.
    Such as cutting him out of my life once and for all!

    Xx
    It's great to hear you had a good night's sleep, Shabby!

    By reaching out and coming here, that's HUGE! I am inspired by your honesty about everything that's happened and it's clear you want to be somewhere other than you are in your life; that's the first step, and kudos to you for taking it.

    Keep coming back here for support, especially when you find yourself feeling weak and he is on your mind and you find yourself missing him. When you're able to overcome those thoughts of despair, each moment like that will get better!
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


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