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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2012

    What on earth can I do?!

    I recently came across this forum and it seems like a way to release all this garbage I've been bottling up!
    About 5 years ago my mother and I went to Turkey with her sister and her sister's husband. We went to a restaurant one evening and my mother ended up really getting along with one particular waiter. Yes, a Turkish waiter and my mother. I'm not saying there's anything particularly wrong with Turkish people in general, however the more tourism based side of Turkey is very wrong indeed. They went off frolicking late at night and when we left they exchanged numbers and emails.
    From then on my mother would come home from work and go straight upstairs to her laptop to webchat with this man and ignore me and anybody else who may have been in the house. She'd rack up bills of 100's phoning him of an evening and snuck off lying about "business meetings" to go and see him.
    On one of her trips to Turkey she fell pregnant, it wasn't until she was crying on the sofa one evening that she told me. Regardless of the predicament she kept the pregnancy and gave birth in the August of 2009 and shortly after he came along, with no consent or communication about it, my mother had brought him over to "visit". Litttle did I know that "visit" was permanent. I hated him from the very first moment he was abusive to my family, it was over boxes being stored in our house whilst her sister was moving house and he refused (like he had any right to). Then things grew worse from then on, up until 2010 when they got married in February, that was truly when things began to change. My Turkish stepfather became critical of my mum having a lot of babyweight still and going out a lot, drinking and hanging around pubs and bars and she was clearly very distressed by it but would not admit it to anybody.
    The real trouble, however, is since we have moved out of our home we shared with my grandma. This man has taken full control of my mother and subsequently myself as I care for her too much to let her act a fool. I went on holiday to Benidorm with my family as they did not want to go and when I returned, everything was god-awful. I lashed out on him, and he blamed me for his problems with my mother. Ever since he's made it quite clear of how he wants me to have no part in his weird little clique family because I will not be completely submissive to him and his pigheaded sexist demands and is gradually driving an incredible wedge between my mother and I.
    I do apologise for the size of this thread also!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    The Cloud of Unknowing

    Re: What on earth can I do?!

    First of all, don't apologize for anything. The more you write, the clearer the picture becomes to the readers.

    You can't fight your mother's battles. If she is unwilling to address the issues in her marriage, there is nothing you can do about those. Unless she is willing to change things around, things will definitely not change. It is very annoying, but it is sadly also the reality.

    It is good that you stand up for yourself. You can argue with your mother about your stepfather, but if she is not willing to listen, for one reason or another, then you have done your part.

    Then the most important bit will be looking after yourself, and making certain that your mother's marriage will not impact too adversely on your own life. Other than a half-brother / sister (2 year old) are there any other children in the family? Is moving out for yourself an option?
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Under your bed.

    Re: What on earth can I do?!

    Hello and welcome to Lifeuspporters hdw.

    As Vautrin said, never apologize for communicating what's going on. It's bad enough when your under any level of duress but only made worse if you feel guilt in communicating.

    In reading your story it does sound like there is a problem with this guy and possibly at least one or more forms of abuse going on in the household. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to protect your mother as she is the one who needs to act in determining how things work in her world.

    All you can do is be honest with your mother about your feelings and tell her that if she can't or won't see your side of the story then she's on her own. As for the way you're treated by this guy, you have full control over that relationship.

    Stand your ground with him and he'll know that he can't push you around. We all have full control of how others perceive and interact with us.
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