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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2012

    I want my parents to divorce.

    My dad has a mental illness that causes him to occasionally have seizures. Because of that, our family moved near my grandparents. In short, our family is being supported by my grandparents. My dad is abusive, physical back then, verbal&physical now. He has a very short and violent temper as well as poor decision making. He also takes after my grandfather's prominent trait of hubris. My grandmother spoils my dad like a baby, even now. She insists for us to spoil him too saying that we have to pity our dad for his illness. But in reality, if it were not for his inactivity, fat diet, and attitude, his illness would be nothing at all. My dad also uses it as his excuse to make everyone else serve him.
    Because my grandpa is the boss of the small company my parents both work in, my dad always goes to work late or even more often, doesn't go at all. Even if he does go, all he does is watch movies from his computer. Yet, the position he holds in the company is a rather high one and his absence causes inconvenience to everyone else. He cares not.
    My mom has been wanting to divorce him for many years now but has not for the sake of my sister and my education. She knows that we hate him and our grandparents as well; too often have we also been victims of our father's tantrums. My mother has no money, all the money she earns from work is taken by my father and grandparents. If she were to divorce she'd have to return to her hometown, which is far away; leave my sister and I with my father because he's the only one that can pay our tuition, to which she isn't willing to leave us alone with him. Since my sister is graduating in a couple months, I suggested that I move in with a willing friend of mine. I can accept anything but staying with my father for 2 more years. But my mother can't accept this, as she hates imposing upon other people and feels responsibility for taking care of me herself as my mother. She says that staying with my father is the best choice because it's a better environment than having to freeload. She may be right but I think differently. Here I'll admit that the scars on my arms were self inflicted in the moments of stress and anger towards my dad. I don't want to watch my mother suffer from my father, nor do I want to continue suffering either. I want to move out but my mom is holding me back. I don't know what to do anymore.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    The Cloud of Unknowing

    Re: I want my parents to divorce.

    Hi yutong, welcome to the forums.

    Mental illnesses can be very taxing on family life. The can explain certain behaviours, but they cannot justify abusive behaviours.

    I am not sure in which country you are, but there might be some legal avenues available for your mother to get her money back / get a decent divorce settlement if she does decide to divorce him. But the only person who can make your mother do anything is your mother herself. If she is not willing to make changes to her life, then no one will make those changes to her life.

    You need to do what is best for you. At the moment what is best for you is not entirely clear. Getting an education is extremely important, because it will set you up for the rest of your life. I am not suggesting you should make any decision now, but you need to carefully think things through.

    Is there anyway you can get either:
    a) your dad pay your tuition?
    or b) the state / student loans / an inheritance / your sister / or something else to help pay the bills for your education?

    You need to carefully consider those options. Moving out on your own may mean your dad will not be willing to pay for your education. Manipulative, I know, but that is how he maintains control over the situation and his family.

    Have you spoken to your sister? What does she make of the situation? What does she intend to do when she graduates? Maybe the three of you can support each other in a difficult situation?

    Ideally, given the situation, it seems you'd be best off by moving out, and moving in at a friend's place, whilst having someone pay the bills and fees for your education. I assume the fees are so high that you cannot reasonably expect to pay them by yourself by doing some part-time jobs.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2008

    Re: I want my parents to divorce.

    I am more concerned about your self-inflicting wounds.

    I lived with mental illness in my family as well when I first started the same type of wound inflicting as you are doing to yourself. Now, several years later, I also have seizures that go along with a very bad mental illness much like your father's.

    I hope you have someone in real life you can talk to in private about your family situation. Sometimes leaving the abusive environment helps, but it took many years to stop my self-infliction. Just about the time I stopped that bad habit, I got to live with the shame of having the same type of mental illness my abuser had.

    You're right, they shouldn't baby him and your Mother should get away from him, especially if he's not trying to control his disease. Stop hurting yourself, it won't control anything.

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