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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    3

    Daughter and husband want to move in

    Hello all, I am looking for some reasonable support in a very difficult situation. Literally, I am lost. We, my family, are very close. My children are our complete delight and at the moment I believe I am letting my daughter down. She is the oldest of our two children. She is married and is in a situation where she is requesting to move back in with us. Her husband is great. He is working and they currently rent an apartment. Problem is she does not like living there within the apartment building. She would love to purchase a home but not sure if they will qualify for a loan. This is where the questions from me start to arise. We live in a very small home. There is no get away within this house. No place for her and her husband to sleep except the couch or floor. Unfortunately, no extra spare room to grab. I just don't know what to do. I have stressed to her just to keep her current apartment until they see if a loan is possible. I feel terrible for suggesting that. I do not want her think that I don't want her with me. She is also short on finances at the moment. I am strapped for cash and cannot assist her like parents should. I just am lost as to what to do for them. Should I just let them move in and see how it goes. It may take months before a home loan can be obtained. It may also be damaging to the relationship between her and us as parents if we do not let them move in. I am lost, please advise as to what others would do in this situation. Thank you.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    The Cloud of Unknowing
    Posts
    17,267

    Re: Daughter and husband want to move in

    First of all, your daughter is an adult, and as such she is responsible for her own finances. You do not have the legal or moral obligation to bail her out every time. Yes, it is nice if you can help, but by no means is it something you should feel forced to do.

    From the way you describe it your place is too small to house two families (plus your other child?). That is definitely something your daughter should be well aware of. No privacy, no proper bedroom, which will affect her and her husband as well. So if she brings up the point, let her imagine how much fun it is how little privacy she has, how difficult it will be to keep the intimacy going, without her parents knowing. That too is very damaging for the relationship between you and her.

    It sounds to me, that she has a bit of growing up to do. If she does not like where she lives the onus is on her to improve matters for herself, not on mommy and daddy to bail her out.

    She may not like her apartment, but unless she has to live of a few bucks a month (and I really mean a few bucks), she could also decide to buy fewer non-essentials / luxuries? Any chances of her getting opportunities to bring more money in?

    What problems does she exactly have with her apartment?
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    3

    Re: Daughter and husband want to move in

    There is nothing at all wrong with the apartment. The place is actually nothing brand new but has hard wood floors and is extremely clean. The date she told her landlord she was moving out is next week and has still not got any other place to go to. She just knows that I will let her come home when there is nothing else set up. I just don't know.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    The Cloud of Unknowing
    Posts
    17,267

    Re: Daughter and husband want to move in

    She has given notice to the landlord, without having anything definitive arranged? Sounds highly irresponsible to me, looking for mom and dad to bail her out because of whatever dislike she had with her apartment. I would not be surprised that IF she moves in with you, there will be a lot of criticism on you as well, which would strain relationships quite easily.

    If you do decide to allow her to move in, I'd suggest that you put in a set of rules in place to make certain that this will not turn ugly in a few weeks / months' time, and one of those rules should definitely be an obligation on her part to get her own apartment. Another one could be that she makes active steps to get herself in an financially better position than she currently is.

    Ir she is unwilling to accept your rules then there is no reason for you to let her move in. Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for one's own life, and one cannot expect others to continuously bail one out, especially not for whimsical decisions.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    3

    Re: Daughter and husband want to move in

    Okay, well all did not go so well. I feel as if I have let her down. I am taking it very hard. Over the last couple of weeks I stressed to her that it will be so difficult for her and her husband to move in here, but nothing from her on the understanding of that. Now, we enforced the choice of not letting them move in and I feel awful. She is not talking to me. Her husband got a good paying job but she still wanted to move in. They will be moved into a new home in a couple of months since everything is good on the income end now. We just decided that since they are receiving good income now they will have to stay where they are till the house is finalized. But I feel sick, terrible and I feel like I let my child down horribly!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere over the rainbow!
    Posts
    26,378

    Re: Daughter and husband want to move in

    Welcome to Lifesupporters, goingwithit.

    To help you feel better, I just want you to think about this in another way which may ease the guilt you feel. If your house was larger and they could have their own room, from reading your posts, I believe you would have let her move in until they were able to get their own place. However, your place is small and like Vautrin said, it would cause no end of problems for all of you which would make the situation worse. You need to stand your ground, your daughter is grown. Tell her you love her and always will, but the situation she wants to put you all in just won't work.

    She's not talking to you but once she thinks about it all and settles down, she will realize that your decision and standing behind it is the best for everyone. Just hold your own, you are a loving parent. Just believe that and don't let her know how guilty you feel and I don't think you even should put yourself through that kind of pain.

    I'm a Mother and Grandmother and that is what I would do if it was necessary. My children and grandchildren know I love them with all my heart and I believe that's all we can do, even if we can't help with finances.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


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