My Story...

[donnyfann]

I'll start from the very begining. I met my ex in august of 2011. We fell in love pretty quickly, and wanted to spend as much time together as possible. We quickly started having sex and tried to be as careful as we could be. But things don't always work the way you want them to. So, I found out I was pregnant in december of 2011. I was excited, because my ex told me we would be able to make it work. So I immediately started thinking up names. Now comes the difficult part, a month after I found out I was pregnant, My ex told me he didn't love me, and wanted to break up. I was very upset, but knew I had to start a plan b. So my mind immediately went to adoption, because I didn't think that I could raise this baby on my own. Plus I really didn't think that my parents would support me. They had no idea at this point I was pregnant, and I was having a hard time telling them. I thought they would be very angry with me, and not want to support me. So I started confiding in my next door neighbor, she was a great support to me, but kept telling me to tell my parents. I just was having a hard time finding the words. But when I told her that I had to give the baby up for adoption, she supported me on my decision. And she even introduced my to a family that was looking to adopt. When I met Vickie, I just knew she was the right one to adopt my baby. I would get together with her and her daughter, spend time with them. Meanwhile I still hadn't told my parents, reason being, they are very mean. They are not supportive about anything else in my life, I had lost my job, and were having a hard time accepting me being out of work. So It was pretty much an everyday screaming match with my mom, fighting all the time. So, why would I tell them I'm pregnant? Well, I was very gung ho about the adoption process, I knew it was the right thing for me. My ex really didn't care what I did, he just went along with whatever I wanted. He was not very involved, took me to my doctors appointments, but nothing else. He never asked me how I was, or how the baby was. And once he signed the papers, he pulled away completely. When I finally started having contractions on july 8, I didn't know what to do. My parents didn't know I was pregnant, so I didn't know how I was gonna get out of the house. I endured the pain all night until about five in the morning. Everyone was asleep, so I snuck out of the house and went to my neighbors house. I wrote a note letting my parents know what was going on, and where I was. Once I got to the hospital, I recieved a phone call from my mom. I immediately started crying, I didn't know what to do. She was not yelling at me, but kept saying how hurt she was that I never told her. My stepdad came to the hospital, and he kept saying that they knew, but were waiting for me to tell them. He also kept saying, If I had told them, things could have been different. Well, later on that day, my mom came to the hospital. She couldn't even look at me, or talk to me. Once I gave birth, everything changed. My mom saw me in a different light, and she absolutely loved the baby. When everyone left the room, and It was just me and my parents. They told me not to make any decisions yet, that I could still change my mind. I was all set to give him up, and now they were gonna support me, like I always wanted. But I knew what the right decision was already, I was not ready to be a parent. I also wanted him to have the things I wouldn't be able to give him. A stable home, financial stability, and A father. I wanted him to be with a family that could truly take care of him the way he deserved. They are a great family, and I have come to love them very much. I have signed the papers, and now he is truly theirs. I wouldn't have it any other way. While I still struggle with my decision from time to time, which I found out is normal, I know I made the right decision. I get pictures of him every couple of days, and I have even had a visit with him, and am planning another one very soon. I never even thought I wanted to have children, and now that he is here, I couldn't imagine my life without him. I didn't know I could love someone so much. And even though he's not with me everyday, he's with me in my heart all the time. I know as time passes the little hurt I have will go away. Just thought I would share.

[Vautrin]

That must have been very difficult for you. Other than still being part of the life of your child, how has life been for you since?

[Luba]

Your story touched me deeply, donnyfan. It sounds to me if you had more support in your life, it would have made a tremendous difference.

[donnyfann]

Yes, if I did have more support, my whole pregnancy would have been much better for me. I was really alone, and really didn't have anyone to talk to. Plus it didn't help that I had really no support from the sperm donor as I like to call him. I was alone in most of my doctor's appointments until I met Vickie, the adoptive mom, then she would come with me. But the day I found out what I was having, I was all by myself. The tech told me I was having a boy, and I started crying, not because I was happy, but because I had no one to share it with. He didn't really even ask me anything about the baby at all, not when I was pregnant or after. In fact when I called him to tell him I was in labor, his exact words were, "I have to work." He never showed up at the hospital, and has not ever seen the baby. He doesn't want to know anything about him. Oh well I say, it's his loss, because I get to see pictures of my little mini-me, and he doesn't. When he finally did contact me to find out how I was doing, I was the one who had to bring up the baby. I told him that the baby didn't look a thing like him, he responded, that the baby might not be his then. I could have killed him. I just hate how different it is for men in an unwanted pregnancy. Whether you keep the baby or decide to place it, they can just walk away and not look back, but us moms, birthmoms and parenting moms have to be the strong ones, and keep the family together.

[Luba]

It sounds like you have found a good home for the baby, who also keeps you posted on how the little one is doing. How are your parents handling the adoption? I believe that your former bf's denial will come back to bite him some day.

[donnyfann]

I haven't really talked to my stepdad about it, I just show him the new pictures that I get, but he did get to see him after he was born. My mom on the other hand, is not doing to well with the adoption. A little backstory on my mom, she is severely depressed, and anxious. Also, very narcissistic. Everything always has to be about her, and she has the need to control everything and everyone. So being that really wasn't included in the decision making process really kills her. I told her once before that I feel really bad about not telling her and my stepdad from the beginning, but I can't go back and change things. I knew from the beginning it wasn't a good idea, but I wasn't thinking clearly. Plus, I know how my mom can be sometimes, very negative and very very mean. She will say mean things to you just to make herself feel better, and not think twice about it. Anyway, back to my original post, she was very hurt that I didn't include her in anything. She can't stand the adoptive mom Vickie, I don't understand why, she is a wonderful woman and loves my son very dearly. She talks bad about her all the time to me, which I hate and I have told her this. As far as the baby goes, she loves him a great deal, and was crying when he was born. But she couldn't understand why she wasn't allowed to cut the cord. Vickie, the adoptive mom did that. This was just a big situation that she wasn't able to control, and I think that it kills her. But I know I made the right decision for my son. And as far as his sperm donor goes, I just get pissed off, because I feel he should be acting one way, and he's acting a completely different way. He goes left when I want him to go right. He didn't even tell his parents anything about me being pregnant or having the baby. They have a birth grandchild out there that they will never even know about, and I think that is sad. My mom told me that I should tell them, but I don't feel like it's my place. Plus it's not like they will even get to see him now, only through pictures. I told his sister right after we broke up, because I thought someone in his family ought to know, so she could have easily told his parents, if he wasn't going to. Plus we're still friends on facebook, and I post all the new pics I get of the little guy on there, so I know she has seen them, she hasn't said anything to me about them. So I doubt she even cares either. Oh well, I say.

[Luba]

donny, if you feel at peace with the decision you made for your son and he is in a good home, that's all that really matters. You went through hell with no support when and if your parents knew, they should have said something, too, I don't think it should be all on you to make everyone happy.

As you said, your ex's sister knows and she didn't tell her parents. It sounds like they are all in denial, meanwhile there is a beautiful little boy that is in the world now. I applaud you for seeing how the little one is doing.

[donnyfann]

Yeah I want to be in his life as much as they will let me, his mom told me that he will always know who I am. He has a big sister, her name is ali, and she is adopted as well, she knows her birthmom, and gets to see her once a year. But that's only because she lives far away from them, but I'll get to see my son a lot more because they live only about an hour away from me. He is a spitting image of me, I love it. I call him my little mini-me.

[Luba]

Yeah I want to be in his life as much as they will let me, his mom told me that he will always know who I am. He has a big sister, her name is ali, and she is adopted as well, she knows her birthmom, and gets to see her once a year. But that's only because she lives far away from them, but I'll get to see my son a lot more because they live only about an hour away from me. He is a spitting image of me, I love it. I call him my little mini-me.

I love that!

Vickie sounds like a wonderfully kind and understanding person. It's great that you and the other birth mom get to see both children.

[donnyfann]

Yeah, I am very grateful. I have read of some birthmoms that are promised to have an open adoption, and never even get any pictures, or get to see their kids. And that's the sad part about an open adoption, it's not black and white. There is so much grey. You could get to see your child every month, or you could only get to see him once a year. The best advice I can give anyone who has to go through the same thing as me is, make sure before you sign the papers, make sure that you come up with a plan for what you want. But make sure that it's reasonable for both parties, you want to be apart of his life, but you don't want to help raise him. And also you really need to make sure that you are really sure about you're decision. You shouldn't sign the papers right away, I would wait at least thirty days or more, because if you place and don't really want to, you will have a very difficult time dealing with everything.

[Luba]

Good advice for those considering giving up a child for adoption, donny. It sounds like you really did your homework while going through such a difficult time alone.

[donnyfann]

Actually, I really didn't start to do any research until after I gave birht. I wanted to find out about other birthmoms experiences. And that's how I came up with a good plan for other women. I wasn't really counseled too well when it came to my adoption, there was a lot I didn't know. I had no idea that I was the one who was really supposed to be in control, once my son was born. After he was born, I didn't know that I could take all the time I wanted with him. That I could say if I wanted to be alone with the baby without anyone else in the nursery. I let vickie completely take over, because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. I held him a couple of different times, and fed twice. I wish now I would have taken more time to spend with him. But it's really good now that I look back on it that I didn't spend to much time alone with him, cause the one time I was alone with him, he was sleeping, so I didn't want to pick him up. And my thoughts got the best of me, and I started to cry. I hate feeling sad, no matter what the situation is.

[Luba]

Your life situation with the adoption and posting about it may help others going through this, donny. I didn't know that a birth Mom could spend as much time as she wanted with her baby. I seem to recall that in days gone by, that was not advised. I wonder how many others didn't or don't realize that as well?

[donnyfann]

Well, my mom had been in the same situation as me when she was younger, and she wasn't even allowed to see her baby. The minute he was born, after they got him all cleaned up, he was whisked away to the nursery. Anytime she went to the nursery to see him, they would close the shades so she couldn't see him. And didn't even get to pick the family that he went to. She wants to try to find him now.

[Luba]

Well, my mom had been in the same situation as me when she was younger, and she wasn't even allowed to see her baby. The minute he was born, after they got him all cleaned up, he was whisked away to the nursery. Anytime she went to the nursery to see him, they would close the shades so she couldn't see him. And didn't even get to pick the family that he went to. She wants to try to find him now.

Good luck to her then, donny. Keep us posted on how she makes out. How do you feel about your sibling being found?

[donnyfann]

I personally think it would be good for my mom. Me on the other hand, am ambivalent to the situation. I don't really care one way or the other.

[Luba]

Has your Mom started on the journey to find him or is she still thinking about it?
I hope I didn't hurt your thread by asking about your Mom, this is your thread and your story, donny, and I was curious how this would affect you if she found him.

[donnyfann]

She got a ton of information from my adoption counselor actually. She hasn't done anything yet with it though. She's now saying that she thinks he might be dead. I told her I didn't think so.

[Luba]

She got a ton of information from my adoption counselor actually. She hasn't done anything yet with it though. She's now saying that she thinks he might be dead. I told her I didn't think so.

Maybe she is afraid that if she found him, how he would react towards her.

[donnyfann]

Yeah, there is that possibility. But I think it's just because she's in a severe depression and can't seem to get out of it. She always thinks the worst of every situation.

[Vautrin]

I think your mother may rather live with the uncertainties involved rather than the certainties she will discover about herself and the choices she has made in life?

[donnyfann]

Yeah, if she doesn't know what's going on, she can't be held accountable.

[Luba]

I think your mother may rather live with the uncertainties involved rather than the certainties she will discover about herself and the choices she has made in life?

I think so, too.

It also must be quite scary to wonder, once found, how the son would react?

[donnyfann]

I could have never brought a baby into that kind of environment. That would be cruel. My mom would have tried to parent him anyway. She would have constantly undermineded my authority as his mother. Which would not be cool.

[Luba]

donny, he is adorable and looks like such a happy baby. Thanks for posting that lovely photo!