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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Posts
    2

    Should I convince my son to stay?

    I have full custody of my 13 yr old son and his younger sisters. Lately he has been feeling depressed and lonely and we found a suicide note in his room.
    My wife and I have been there for him all his life where as his birth mother has not.
    She shows up once or twice every few months or so and visits and sometimes takes him for that weekend but usually its just one broken promise after another after another. We got him counseling for his depression and thoughts of harming himself and he says a big part of it because she's not around. Since I grew up no knowing my mother I can understand him missing her but I can't understand why he wants to leave us and run to her. His life here isn't perfect, he and his stepmom butt heads a lot but she has always been more of a mother to him than she will ever be. My son is very talented and very intelligent, he is in all AP ( advanced potential ) classes in his middle school, was the only student asked to design the cover art for this years fall music program and according to his choir teacher has one of the sweetest singing voices she's heard in a while. Well after practicing so hard, studying so hard to get where he is academically, he is turning his back on it for her. He has the fall musical today but last night decided all his hard work don't matter, instead he choses to stay with his mother. We are at a loss here, we're losing him to someone who never cared enough for him to even try fighting for him after child services placed him in foster care when she had custody. The sad fact is I feel betrayed that he'd turn on me after im the only one who's always been there for him, never broke a promise to him and always supports him. But I won't tell him that.
    We're not giving him up without a serious fight and will not give up on him but we need help.
    Am I wrong for fighting to keep him? I don't want him to go but is it best for him? Edit: found out last night according to his sisters he does what ever he wants and gets in no trouble at his moms house ever. He admitted his mom does not discipline him.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Wonderland
    Posts
    1,199

    Re: Should I convince my son to stay?

    Hi JamesMB, welcome to Lifesupporter's!

    I can understand what you are feeling, and being a parent is one of the toughest job's. I know you want what you think is best for your son. Let me get personal with you and share part of my story with you, for it may better help you understand what your son may feel.

    My mom was a serious alcoholic and drug addict, it got severe when i was 2,3,4 by the time i was 4 my dad had taken my mom to court and had won full custody. My mom did not get clean until i was 9, so from 4-9 i saw very little of her, a weekend here and a weekend there. My stepmother who could not have children tried to act as my mother, thought she knew everything to be a mother to me, but she did not, and she was not my mother. No one can take my mother's place. So by the time i reached 13 i too was very suicidal, i was missing what a mother really was, i was very troubled inside. I wanted to escape my personal hell and get to know my mom. I laid it out flat to my dad & stepmom, let me go or i will take my life. They let me go. Unfortunately bc my mom never acted like much of a mother she did'nt really know how to be one, what i seeked from her in the end i did not get, but i had to learn that for myself. My mother did not discipline me, but for the most part i have a good head on my shoulder's and for the most part i stayed out of trouble, by my own choice. However one night i made a bad choice, i chose to go to a party and drink with peers, i think i was drugged, and i was raped, something very precious was taken from me. I was 17 at that time. My mom only caught wind of part of the story and kicked me out. I lived my last year of high school with my best friend and her family, bc i did not want to go back to my dad's and i wanted to finish school where i was. The point of this is, again my mom let me down, but again i had to learn this. It was my lesson in life to learn. You can try to protect your children but you can not shelter them, we all have our lessons to learn. Your son need's his time to figure out his mother himself. You cannot rob him of that time, of that piece of himself, all you can do is love him and be there for him to catch his fall if he does so. Right now he is battling his inner turmoil, and he is looking to ease it. Have trust in him. If you have raised him right, have trust in him.

    FYI whatever head butting with your son and his stepmom you need to make sure that stops now. That will only push him further away, trust me i know. Let and disciplining or advice come from you, he will only resent her more the more she head butt's with him, which in turn will only push him further from you. My best advice is to love him, be his best friend, just be there for him, respect him and his heart. I know this all may not be what you want to hear, and in no means or ways what so ever am i any kind of therapist or anything like that, but i am giving you my best advice stemming from my own personal experience.

    Please continue to stay with us and share your story, our member's will help as much as they can. I wish the very best for you and your son.
    " To thy own self be true..."

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere over the rainbow!
    Posts
    26,377

    Re: Should I convince my son to stay?

    Welcome to Lifesupporters James!

    I think you should definitely find a way to convince your son to stay with you. This is such a crucial time for him, and telling him how much you love him and want him in your home is extremely important. Spending one-on-one time with him would help as well! Going to games or playing basketball in the yard, making time with him to encourage even more his incredible talents, finding time to laugh as a family, anything and everything you can do to show how much you love him.

    I think he isn't trying to betray you, he just wants his Mom in his life who doesn't seem to really know how to set boundaries for him. Sure he's going to want to be where there is no discipline and he can do whatever he wants.

    Again, you are not wrong for fighting for him as he'll always know how much you love him if you do.

    Keep returning as you have found a very caring and understanding place here.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Posts
    2

    Re: Should I convince my son to stay?

    Thank you for the responses. I am here with an update. I decided the best thing I could do is be honest with my son so I let him know that even though I will respect his decision to leave, that all of us here are sad that he wants to go. I explained to him that I don't like that his mom has broken so many promises that he feels he needs to pack up and run to her, that she's he adult and is the one who should run to him. His 4 little sisters came and told him they all loved him and were sad that he wanted to leave then told him he was the best big brother ever. After the talking we made a deal that since we set up counseling he will give that a try until after the new year before making his decision. I have a bit of hope its all gonna be good.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Sydney Australia.
    Posts
    1,068

    Re: Should I convince my son to stay?

    Well you seem to have made inroads with him and thats great

    Heaps of love and sure...you can spoil him, but remember not only does he need discipline, but he will respect it as long as you are fair.

    Fingers crossed the counselling goes well

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