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  1. #1
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    Nov 2012
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    Moving out with kids but it is complicated

    Complicated, what an understatement. My husband dropped the bomb on me a week ago. He doesnt think we make each other happy anymore after 9 years of marriage and two small kids. He goes to work everyday and makes good money. I am a stay at home mom that also turns into project manager with renovations, working any landscaping projects we need, mowing the lawn, suppose to clean the house, organize the house etc. I am not good at being a housewife but I am good at being a mom, and also a wife to my knowledge. I get him coffee every day, wake him up for work, set up everything he needs to take to work. I let him go out with his buddies whenever he wants. I help with construction projects where I can. Take care of the kids 24/7 unless I ask his parents to come babysit for a few hours. He spoils me with material things but make bad chauvinistic jokes in front of our friends. I don't care for material things, but he expects me to spoil him like that too. The problem even when I get him something and it is not exactly what he wanted he is disappointed. He complains about me always being negative, but he jokes negatively about stuff but as soon as I do it it is wrong? Anyway, yesterday I found a place to move to because I just wanted to get out so I can be alone. He had to come look at it and the reality struck or something. He wrote me something that just confused me because he talks about not being the same without me. Last night we talked and cried for hours and he wanted me to come over too with the kids when they stay with him. This morning I asked him if it can be a trial separation where after my lease is up we see where we stand. He was ok with that but he wants to go on dates with other people too, I can if I want too. Here is the weird thing...I am ok with him doing that, he said he won't seal the deal, he just wants to know if there is somebody he connects with out there. I know I am not going to date/ do anything for the next few months. But if he casually dates and comes back to me without diseases or a pregnancy I am ok with that :-) am I just in Denial or what..

  2. #2
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    Mar 2005
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    Re: Moving out with kids but it is complicated

    Bringing dating up now? Sounds like your husband has every bit of intention to find out if he can upgrade. And knowing that you probably won't date, you're basically reduced to being the backup option, if there is nothing better on offer.

    I would not give too much credibility to his promise that he won't seal the deal - after all marriage is supposed to be a partnership, in which communication is of vital importance. So, at what part of the supposed deterioration of your marriage did he take his vows seriously, and actually, talk to you about problems in the marriage?

    I am saying this because when the two of you start on this journey, trust may be extremely hard to regain, and you are probably setting yourself up for a roller coaster ride of emotions. Not sure if that is worth it.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  3. #3
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    Jul 2008
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    Re: Moving out with kids but it is complicated

    Welcome to LS saber!

    I must say i conquer with Vautrin, this sounds like it's being set up for a wild coaster ride. It also sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too. I personally think you deserve better then this.

    How are your kid's taking this thus far?

    It is sad to see a marriage separated, but if this is how he behaves, i'm glad you have gotten your own place. Careful in this time frame.... Sometimes you don't know what you got until it's gone.... and when you make your bed sometimes you have to lay in it....

    I'm over here wishing the best for ya!!!!! You have come to a good place with good people. We are here to help!
    " To thy own self be true..."

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
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    2

    Re: Moving out with kids but it is complicated

    Hi, and thanks for replying. Our problems according to him started 7 years ago. He has been gradually getting more unhappy. He really is a super nice guy, but when he is at work he expects me to be busy with house stuff the whole time he is there. He keeps buying more hobby things that need to be organized, but he doesn't do it. If he can't find something immediately he gets frustrated and buys a new one. Decides to start a new project and just shows up with supplies for it, usually just as I get something organized. I am bad with keeping the house in order but at the same time he never helps to find places for stuff and gets mad when I put it somewhere dumb. I am always stressed out that he is going to get upset with me and yell when h gets home because I didn't do enough during the day. I don't do anything for me ever. Don't go out with friends except a couple of times a year. He is a great dad and he does spoil me with stuff but I need someone that appreciates me for me. At the same time I need him to appreciate me. It is a long shot I know because he never says sorry. He has this thing about people saying sorry when they don't mean it so it is just math words. Basically he needs somebody to do all the house stuff for him and spoil him with stuff he wants. I just need appreciation and he thinks I don't o anything. Our 5yo on took it well he s very well balanced and caring, just want us to be happy. Will see what happens when I move out. My husband did say that we just don't give each other what we need. He messed up too, and wants me to find somebody that will appreciate me. It has been toxic for a while and he is angry with me right now, which is why I want out of the house. The whole dating thing was my idea. I want him to try and see if there is somebody out there that can deal with all this stuff in the house. Part of me is excited about not having to worry about that. I was just joking about the diseases and pregnancy thing, I have a strange sense of humor I guess. Honestly I think he will be pretty jealous if I went on dates. Apparently I was hit on without even knowing when we were out with a guy friend at a bar. I don't really pay attention to stuff like that and I never wear my wedding ring, it started when I was at school and didn't want to get it disgusting, so I don't know. Btw he is an awesome dad, they only thing we are great at together is parenting

  5. #5
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    Re: Moving out with kids but it is complicated

    The more you write about the marriage, the better idea a separation seems to be. Either the two of you work on your communication issues, or you may as well file for a divorce, and rent yourself out to be his professional maid (though admittedly he can get a better trained one), because that is all you seem to be to him.

    Sure, he may be good with the kids, but if that is the only thing, that is certainly not a good enough reason to stay together. It also sounds like he believes he can buy affection through material things. But that does not make one necessarily happy ...

    I would strongly suggest the two of you separate, and work on your communication issues, through a counselor.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  6. #6
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    Re: Moving out with kids but it is complicated

    He's looking for a slave, nothing more.

    Does your husband have even the remotest idea as to how he makes you feel? Something tells me the relationship has always been about him and now he's so used to it anything you say won't mean a thing.

    I think the only reason he was so blindsided by you moving out is that he probably never once considered your happiness level. Buying you things means nothing, look how many rich kids are seriously screwed up; they have everything yet appreciate nothing.

    Normally I'm all for reconciliation but this guy sounds like he's either a clown or he thinks little of women (at least the wife anyway).

    If you are interested in reconciliation then I'd certainly encourage you to express what you're feeling more. If you can't do that without him getting upset then you certainly are with the wrong person IMHO.
    My Daughter Rules!

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  7. #7
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    Re: Moving out with kids but it is complicated

    That's right! that's what i'm talking about for you! VACATION TIME!!!!!!!! No more cleaning and organizing a house and being yelled at for it later that it was'nt done right! I love how some men lack the understanding of what it takes to raise children and keep a house, both are a separate job on their own! Let him go to work and come home and do the house stuff. I hope he has fun.

    Listen you may not be perfect at what you do, i don't think any of us are... but the point is you try, and without help it only makes it that much more difficult. You should be appreciated, and if he can't do it then someone else can.

    Money, Money, money! It's the devil, i swear! It's about worthless to me. You can't buy my love. Also why does he keep going out buying new stuff, i wonder how many of some items you have.. lol. Can't find it, well off to buy a new one....

    I understand your sense of humor, i think mine comes off a lil funny sometimes as well.

    No matter what i think it would be very beneficial for you both to go to counseling. Whether you ever get back together or not, it's good to have a better understanding of one another, and a mediator can make sure it's a balanced conversation and not one is dominating the other. It's really great though that you guys are able to be great parents together. That is to be thankful for.
    " To thy own self be true..."

  8. #8
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    Re: Moving out with kids but it is complicated

    Quote Originally Posted by BridgieBridge View Post
    Money, Money, money! It's the devil, i swear! It's about worthless to me. You can't buy my love.
    Can I at least rent it for a while?
    My Daughter Rules!

    Band of Others: Are you a Gamer looking for a home, look no more bro!

    Ofear.com: Confronting fears, phobias, and panic attacks, in a friendly online community.

    Movie Talk: Like discussing movies, tv and streaming media, well so do we.

  9. #9
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    Re: Moving out with kids but it is complicated

    Duke i already you!
    " To thy own self be true..."

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