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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
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    My daughter hasn't even bothered to call...

    ...I can't believe how crushed I feel right now that my own child whom I build up at every single opportunity hasn't even bothered to call this Christmas. Here it is 9 PM but I've been sitting by the phone pretty much all day.

    For 16 years I've put her Mother and that side of the family before me and this is what I've gotten in return, forgotten on Christmas. It would be understandable if maybe she were on the other end of the planet but she's 50 km away spending Christmas as always with everyone but me. I don't even get her on Boxing Day anymore because now that her mother has divorced, she needs to put her mother, brothers and the ex in front of me which now apparently means the 27th.

    I've been feeling less and less consequential in her life for some time now but this has only cemented it and I'm beside myself with hurt. I feel I've given every part of me to keep her happy by compromising everything I wanted in being a father and this is what I got, forgotten.

    I'm to the point where I don't even want to see her at all this Holiday Season because I don't even feel like I matter anymore and haven't for some time now.

    I'd love to call her but years ago she told me that the more time we spent on the phone made her mother wonder if perhaps I was the favorite parent; a completely ridiculous idea but it certainly encapsulates that woman well I think.

    So I've gotten in the habit for years of sitting by the phone waiting and this is where it took me, phukin fabulous.

    I'm sorry to vent but I'm going to go now and get completely sh1tfaced drunk.
    My Daughter Rules!

    Band of Others: Are you a Gamer looking for a home, look no more bro!

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  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere over the rainbow!
    Posts
    26,307

    Re: My daughter hasn't even bothered to call...

    I wish there was something that could be done to help at this very sad and difficult time for you, Ken.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
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    At Home
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    12,071

    Re: My daughter hasn't even bothered to call...

    I am sorry Duke. I know how you feel. Both my kids decided to go to their dad's this year, the first year we have been divorced for the holidays. I was hoping at least one of them would come here. We did have a skype present opening on Saturday which was very nice but I do miss them terribly. I guess it isn't quite the same but still hurts to have them both pick their dad over me. I think you should call her. She needs to know how much she has hurt you and screw the mom and calls issue. She's your daughter too and if you want to talk to her you should be able to.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
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    Canada
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    5,987

    Re: My daughter hasn't even bothered to call...

    oh duke, i'm so so so so very sorry that you're so hurt.... if i could give you a hug right now, i would....i also think that you should call her regardless of what the mother thinks or feels. she is your daughter too, not just hers. this is so sad. nobody should be alone especially at christmas.. i'm sorry duke.
    Life is what you make of it. Make it happen.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
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    The Cloud of Unknowing
    Posts
    17,194

    Re: My daughter hasn't even bothered to call...

    So sorry to hear that, and I do hope she has made a call. It is easy to forget such things if you don't see each other on a regular basis (it has not happened to me, but I do know a few people who have had such things happen).

    Hope she realized what has happened on her own, and has found a way to make amends.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    33

    Re: My daughter hasn't even bothered to call...

    I am really sorry to hear that Duke, and hope you have had the chance to at least talk to your daughter by now. I agree with others think it would be best to call her regardless in such circumstances .

    Think i would def explain how it is for you when she does not keep in touch, maybe make future arrangements telling her if she does not call you , it leaves you no option but to call her, to at least put your mind at rest, instead of hanging around stressing and wondering.

    My hubby is in the same situation with his son who's 16th birthday is on 1st Jan, though he has not been allowed to see him for months even over christmas nor will on his birthday , in fact does not know when he will see him again, though of curse is still expected to send presents ect.

    One of the reasons i joined the forum , watching it all from the sidelines drives me nutts ( no doubt do my own venting on it from time to time), my heart really goes out to you on this (((hugs)))!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
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    Wonderland
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    1,199

    Re: My daughter hasn't even bothered to call...

    I feel like i'm digging in an open wound by replying so late..... Sorry i don't mean too...

    I can only imagine how you must feel......

    As everyone else has said though, she is your daughter too, just as much a part of you. Some relationship's are harder then other's, and this is a tough spot for you to be in, but remember communication is key.... also if her mother is not teaching her or neglecting to acknowledge the love of family, you be the one to remind her. You don't want to play tug of war but at the same time you are her father and you must remind her of respect for family. Be open with her in how you feel. She may be caught up in her own world to the point that she does not realize her action's or lack of towards you. You can't fix or heal your pain if she is'nt entirely aware of how you are feeling. Remember you are the teacher!

    HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS!!!!
    " To thy own self be true..."

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
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    27,805

    Re: My daughter hasn't even bothered to call...

    Thanks for the responses all, very, very, deeply appreciated!!!

    I'm sorry I've taken so long to respond but I did actually have a little time with my daughter this Holiday Season so I wanted to make the most of it.

    I heard from my daughter on Boxing Day and I really let her know how this made me feel. She says she felt horribly bad for not calling and I do believe her. I really let her have it though and while I do feel guilty there is a part of me that identifies this as something her mother would do which I just can't stand for.

    I had stated that she typically does the calling and even though there has been some responses as to me not waiting, I thought I'd elaborate on this front.

    I used to call my daughter and we used to talk on the phone somewhat regularly. This was always tough though because I'd have to hear over the phone the turmoil in her household.

    What eventually made these calls taper off was her mothers jealousy (for lack of a better term). Her mother has treated me like absolute garbage for the better part of 17 years and has demonstrated numerous times that she doesn't want me around and has wished I'd just stay away.

    In truth I can accept her dislike of me but I can't accept it when it's demonstrated in front of my child either directly or indirectly. She's called me a deadbeat dad several times and every single time my daughter was there to hear it. If she's pissed off at me, she'll take it out on our daughter. Whether she's aware of this or not I don't know but it's happened plenty over the years.

    The only control I have over how my daughter is being treated in regards to me is to be invisible. I cannot properly iterate how hard it is to take my daughter to her moms house after the weekend and have to listen to how "dirty her room is" or "how she didn't do this or that" time and time again.

    This happened for years as her mother is a control freak and it is a good part of why I stay away; I do not want my daughter to suffer one bit because her mother is pissed at me.

    Over years, becoming a ghost becomes habit forming so going against it is not only uncomfortable mentally, it starts to become uncomfortable physically. I have no problems handling myself but I cannot handle the guilt of my daughter suffering because of something I've said or done.

    Now my daughter is old enough where her mother cannot influence whether she sees me or not so I'm losing control over my facilities. I've found myself very close to pounding her mother in the ground like a tent peg on more than one occasion and that's not good. In fact, I've stood before her literally shaking with anger and if she were a guy and we were in a bar, I'd be beating the life out of her (yes it's that bad).

    I've compromised virtually everything I consider as being a father and I've been made to feel as completely insignificant over the years. This is what made the lack of a phone call so difficult for me because of the mother/daughter parallels I was creating in my mind.
    My Daughter Rules!

    Band of Others: Are you a Gamer looking for a home, look no more bro!

    Ofear.com: Confronting fears, phobias, and panic attacks, in a friendly online community.

    Movie Talk: Like discussing movies, tv and streaming media, well so do we.

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