Well, my story is quite long and complicated, but I'll try to explain the best way I can. Sorry for a lot of spelling mistakes, this was all written on my I phone. And it's quite long but I would just like you to get the point that no matter how bad things are you can get through heartbreak no matter how perfect things were or bad it ended.

*The catch is that I'm not just writing this as some sort of consolation for my self or to make you think that you'll never move on but to help you you through this and give you advice and hope that things do get better. I'm not 100% but from how i was from how i am now is entirely different. And you can learn not to make the same mistakes and do what i did to myself for something that's not worth it.*
It's a roller coaster for you right now i know but dont fight, move on because you will hurt yourself more in the end and make things harder. It a roller coaster, yes! but *if you try hard enough and give time to you and yourself development you will see on the end. I'm almost there too, and you can do it.

I met this guy through my sister and it all got started from there. In the beginning of talking I was quite reserved as how he spoke to me in text messages wasn't really as you call it 'gentleman' if anything he was quite perverted and had lack of respect for me and by the sounds of it most women. But as stupid as I was and the fact id just came out of a short horrible relationship, I just stayed in contact but didn't play along as I made it clear that 'I wasn't that kind of girl' but yet he still proceeded from there to stay the same and kept trying. It was only until we finally met that things were different, he was different.*
He wasn't how he made out to be. He was nervous, shy and blantently had an attraction to me and I did slightly for him too. Before we got together we had a discussion, i said to him something a long the lines of this 'if you know you will end up hurting me, if you want to play games, if you want to flirt and mingle with others, if you want a short term relationship to get what you have seemed to be interested in from the start, if you want to be dishonest please leave me alone and if you want me, all I ask is for you to be honest, faithful, respecting and *to communicate with me and be open in approaching me with problems we might go through in the future instead of discussing our business with others'. He agreed and said he was naturally that way anyway. He *ended up leaving me a longer message about what he asked for and that also included the things I said too. If anything his message was worded in a way that to me, sounded like he was treating me like I'd done something *wrong already, *before i even did! Haha, but i agreed and made that a promise to myself also. We both agreed, sort of like a contract really, but we didn't make its 100% official until we met again. so we both started to date and it was great, Time went on and we got a long well but as the clock started really ticking for i started to become scared, scared that I would waste my dreams i had planned long before i met him, the dreams i was determined to achieve and i started to realise I didn't want him in it, scared that i didnt have time to find who I was, scared that he might hurt me if i gave him my love and there were things that just didn't feel right, he just didn't tick enough boxes, and something inside me just felt like a warning.*
I was unsure as a 17 yr old that I wanted to make such a commitment again to another person that might hurt me, i compressed it for a little while, i shrug it off *and put it down to 'nerves'.*
things started to get serious so quickly. I remember being on the phone in my room and asking him on the phone what he would do to himself if I left him and the answer was what I feared that he would hurt himself. I had gone through depression and psychosis at the age of 12 or 13 and knew how it felt to be so low, lonely and rejected from life, people and ex partners. it crushes you through and through. I tried *break it down slowly say things like 'I have dreams I want to achieve alone as an independent female and so on' but mercy got the better of me and I failed to leave him. I didn't try again. 4 months later My father found out about me being in a relationship and he wasn't very happy, I'm from a mixed background but my father is Arab and he follows Islam. So to be with him would mean I would have to marry him and he'd have to convert to Islam. Me and my ex had a long discussion about it and he was very happy about it. And I thought wow this guy would really do this? For me?!. He met my dad, very very awkward and tense, as time went on things got better, they got along well... Then one day he asked my dad for my hand in marriage and my dad didn't give up his only baby daughter without a fight, he had to prove him self and he did. My feelings for him started to grow a little but boy did it take time, no matter how hard he tried.*

My dad accepted and things got going, although,*Something felt wrong but also right.*
I was diving in to the unknown and potentially putting my dreams on hold possibly *putting them to an end. But I started to slowly very slowly startto fall for him and I guess that was the only right including him treating me well, great sex and what seemed to be a strong man with a good understanding heart and the power to accept someone like me. I had been through a lot in such a short space of time which is my life, my years on earth, that left me damaged and I ended up developing depression and another mental illness at the age of 12 or 13, but was over it by age 17. I still struggled with a little depression at the start of the relationship and sometimes during the relationship. He knew my past entailed and the problems I had suffered in the past and still slight suffer i had with depression still at the time and also knowing that could maybe (highly unlikely) suffer again with the other mental illness I had. And with a low self esteem I believed my negative beliefs about myself and yet he accepted me and vowed that he would support me, be my backbone.

I slowly but surely started to love a little deeper. I was in a relationship at 15 with an older man but it was illegal so it had to end and it broke me completely, still thinking and feeling pain of this first love in every other relationship I was in previously, it's crippled my love and prevented me from letting me love, i hadn't let go. But things changed with this guy there was something there, something special, too special to just walk away from, even though sometimes old thought processes happened and with my heart yearning for someone else, I forced myself to love him, and was slightly happy even though i should of been more than slightly happy to marry someone in anyway or form which points to my religion. Someone wanted me, someone cared, someone accepted me and for someone with depression, low self esteem and a life full of hurt and rejection this can *meant a lot to someone like that, to be with someone who wanted me? instantly my low self esteem told me 'well just go for it it's only thing your gonna get in life'. So I listened to my mind and not my heart as I didn't want to hurt him or disappoint my Islamic farther. I understand why I had low self esteem I just never understood how I ended up carrying it for so long, I had men drooling over me, hot and average guys asking for my number most days of the week but still, it was there. I believed that this will be the only person to accept and care for me.*
But I wasn't that stupid, I didn't trust him 100%, with how he treated me in the early stages of our encounter, the asking to send dirty pictures, the crude language he spoke and his obsession with trying to get me to dirty talk with him? And now he's this great guy who loves me? Yes some people can change but the circumstances in how we're before we developed in to this, left a slight worry. *My instincts said 'no don't do it, there's something not right' *I ignored my instincts and when I listened to them and tried to act on them, the water works, the 'I love you so much' and mercy always won. I met his mum and his family and absolutely loved them. They accepted me and his mum was happy we were marrying. Why would someone throw away all that support? Someone who didn't deserve it. The day were meant to get married I was sick to my stomach I was scared, I was shaking all day feeling like I could physically be sick. But I had to do it, a part of me wanted to because I mean WHO else could love me or want to, right? Even though it really wasn't the truth, people have loved me or wanted to in the past, but the cloud *of low self esteem got the better of me. I got a phone call, a sobbing one at that 'dee I can't marry you, my brother won't let me, if I do he'll beat me up' I couldn't listen anymore, I put the phone down and something inside me broke, I cried continuously, my mind telling me that his brother must if thought I wasn't worth it. My whole family were making celebration food, for the afters and before the wedding. I was in the car with my mum and get friend that was invited they comforted me while getting stoppable, continuous miss call from him and his mother saying that he's coming and that he loves me and wants to be with me. I didn't want it anymore, that little but if want I had for it to happen was shattered. They all came running down to the house including his brother as I said I didn't want to be with him anymore. In the end it got sorted after tears from him and me finally dried I decided to give mercy and let it go through. After a few days we got married in a mosque. The next week we went to morocco for a honeymoon type thing. It was great but one day that doubt hit me again... 'I don't want this' I said to him 'it doesn't feel right'. He broke down and tried to get out the room i stopped him and stood strong in front of the door, *i didnt trust what he would do to himself, seeing him like that made me break down too, mercy gave way again. He was my husband I was his wife that's how it will be, deal with it. *The rest of the holiday was great though, started to really open up to him, I wanted to give him my love, I didn't want for it to belong to a ghost anymore. This man deserves it. It was weird, something in me wanted to wrap him up and hold him close and mother him, love him and please him. We went back to London the next week and we were both so happy and excited to show everyone the pictures we had taken. As soon as I got home I told my brother and mother to gather around to show them, I plugged in his phone and found the picture file. Everyone was looking at the screen and there's the picture that sparked it all a girls boobs on his phone that someone had sent him, how wonderful. Everyone saw, even Him. Everything was awkward but me I was fuming, I went quietly to my room and sat till I calmed. My family didn't say nothing, they couldn't, I was married now and it was between us. He walked in like nothing had happened 'I didn't know that was on there it's old, I don't even remember who it is' *I expressed my anger and concern but it was all 'your being stupid now, it's old, your bring silly, think what you like, I know the truth'. I asked him 5 times precisely 'have you done things like that since you've been with me?' the answer was no if course. I felt stupid and slightly belittled, my stupid over reacting... but he didn't know the turmoil I had gone through in my head and heart to get to the point of actually loving him but most of all learning to trust someone other than my family again. I put it behind me. He brought a contract IPhone for himself, he brought me a blackberry before we got married but after the whole rigmarole with his brother, I got quite hurt and angry do I smashed it, therefore I didn't have a phone. He ended up letting me use the iPhone then later deciding that I could keep it. I was lying in my bed one morning, happy with my life for once, more confident than before, I decided to delete his email account as I kept on receiving *his emails and as a good little muslim wife, i wanted to respected his right to privacy, but that day something told me to go In his sent box, my instincts had control of me right there and the *and I found what I feared, so many dirty emails, *pictures of his male anatomy, planned arrangements to meet for sex, *sent from him to girls and from girls to him. *Yes it broke me, I felt fooled, stupid and worthless. He was at work, I should have waited for him to finish work to approach him about it but I didn't and to be honest I don't regret it. I texting letting him know my discoveries and that didn't want to be with him, that wasn't exactly the message though, it was a lot more *angry and harsher than that, if not very mean. I was so angry but most of all hurt. He ended up having to leave work because he was so distraught and in tears. I'd always promised myself that if someone broke my trust I would leave and never return... No chances, done, finished, historia!

He called sobbing to apologise and win me back, and said that he stopped as soon as we got married or just before. If I remember rightly his mum and sister called me to try n work it out us too. *Don't worry, I reminded him of how he made me feel after seeing that picture of the tits on his phone and that he had a chance to be a man and tell me the truth then. But it hurt to hear him so upset and here comes the instincts! My instincts said no, a part of my heart also said no (wow that's a miracle, trust me)... But still I gave in to mercy and went back. The trust was gone I tried and tried but it didn't come back but after a while longer it came, not all just a little. I let myself suffer in silence with the rest that couldn't be replaced, not for a long while yet. Where I had suffered of psychosis when I was younger as still had slight traits like paranoia, it was a very hard time but still, I put him first. I would secretly check his phone sometimes. But things got a lot better I won't lie but in someways it had not. I wanted him to realise what he had got and that if I really wanted to I could go as there was plenty of guys that wanted me, I admit that I dragged it on too much. But to know what I had been through in my life especially my childhood and the mental illnesses I had and to do that with out a thought of me? someone he apparently loved and wanted to be there for? *It confused my view and broke the jigsaw puzzle. I still tried with him and carried on. When I had enough food in the house to make his lunches, I would make him 3 sonetimes 4 lunches to take to work, always making sure while making them I had in mind that he was a gym go'er and that he needed protein, I made sure there was always a source for that in there and if I had fruit, I'd make sure that was in there too. I loved him a lot, I even struggle to remember if I felt this strongly about my first love, I even started to doubt if it ever was love.*

I have a high sex drive, I won't lie haha. And even he treated me the way he did in the beginning when we just started talking, like absolute crude, dirty, dirty talk which i refused to particapate in. A part of me felt a more compatible with him because by the looks of it he had a High sex drive too. The more than better for me, right? And for him too. The sex was amazing As For the first time in my life i'd felt so comfortable and free to enjoy and explore and dicover new things together. But towards the end of our chapter together, sayy... A few months before his sex drive started to drop. His excuse was always that he was tired which i believed the first 2 months so I left it but after a while, In my head I was thinking 'is it me?' 'have I got fat' 'is he getting his pleasure from someone else?' *I started to become so paranoid it made me go a but more loopy than I already was from everything else that has happened with us. I started to suspect more and more. It gave a slight crippling effect in the sense that it was making us slowly die in a way. We had arguments, disputes, I wanted to make him more jealous so he could snap out of it. It got to the point where I went to meet an ex and even I regretted it as he was one of those that were bad, physically and mentally abusive, and I put myself back in that danger why? To make my husband jealous, to show him that he can't do things behind my back and that I could be without him when find out what he's doing 'again'. I went to meet my ex and it actually got to the point where it was like old times, I let that bastard mentally abuse me one more time what was i thinking!? I should of been thinking of me and how I would feel after seeing him instead of thinking about how my husband would feel after I told him who I had a coffee with that evening. I literally ran away from the ex I went to see. It went down that bad, I ****ed up and still received phone call from him after the meeting. I thought I'd be happy with the news I told my husband, the news I thought would make him tell me the truth about what he was doing behind my back, but I wasn't I just thought to myself 'you stupid girl, you let him abuse you again and for what'. I told my husband the truth of what happened and what my ex did and said to me I stead of lying and making it look like he treated me so nicely. I thought after telling my husband the truth of what happened that he would snap out of what it was he was doing or thinking and realise that I was hurting, hurting enough to put my self in a situation that hurt me that little bit more but no. There was something going on, something kept saying to me he's doing something, everything mentally started to make me ill. But even so, we still did have good special times and im sure he must of knew that if I did ever leave him or if he left me that if I choose to go in to another relationship after us, *I wouldn't be on the market that long as even when i use to walk in the street with him, men would still try it on or make a nice comment on how i looked or just check me out in general. Yes we had many good times but they were less much less frequent than before. *A few month later I made a mistake a stupid lie I wanted to take back didn't know how to *(Stupid old me) I told him I cheated, I had the strangest reaction from him that was so calm and placid, he was angry I could see slightly but he hugged me and kissed me still even after I told him. I started to suspect more but I didn't bother anymore with trying to find out, I thought if there is a truth I'll let it come to me, just like how it did before. Even after everything I loved him so deeply, I never thought I would or could be capable of loving someone this much, I loved stroking his head, running my fingers through his hair, looking in to his eyes, laying on his chest most nights listening to the sound of his heart beat, the sound of his laugh in which I had the ability to make him, hearing his passions even though I didn't like games that much or computers I just loved his power of knowledge and passion he had for it. I had never felt so secure in anyone else's arms apart from his. We had booked a holiday to morocco for two weeks and even though all that had and has happened i was excited and so was he i think. it was just coming up say about 3 weeks away. At this point 3 weeks after i told him the lie we haden't had sex in maybe over a month and I was DYING! Not literally! *I was dying to just rip off his clothes and give him satisfaction and recieve for my self. *I was impatient and this night I had actually forgot that I had told a lie and tried to approach him for it and I was annoyed (stupid me), he rejected and said he was tired a d that what I had told him affected him, I then realised that the lie gave him more of a reason to say no. I shouldn't of acted so annoyed. It was just that my stupid took place as a few days before in the morning he woke me up even though I was still asleep basically just lying there while he went away at his business, pleasing himself in me. But all I can say was that u was literally ASLEEP! That wasn't sex! That was sex for him. But back to the point, the next morning after the rejection he sent me a text from work apologising about the rejection, where I was not right in my head at this point in time after everything I snapped and accused him if doing things with other girls. He went mad, text me to get out his house and I did. Obviously I made sure I cleaned his room before I left as that was my duty, and I went home. I thought he would call me after work he didn't, I left it for another day still nothing, finally I gave in and called, he answered, I wanted to tell him so badly about the lie but I couldnt. I tried to style it out, I tried tell him how I had been feeling for the past few month but for him it was an excuse. He said he needed space I tried to give it to him, two day went past I called, no answer and I called until he did he just said he needed space, this was the point I started to panic I called him every two days if not I think once a day and occasionally he would answer and say he just needed space, I only had one bite of food in the whole 2 weeks or let's just say 12-13 days, I hardly had any sleep at all and had constant non stop heart palpitations every second of the day and night which made trying to sleep make me feel like I wanted to be sick as all I could hear was my heart beating so fast and loud in my ear. In the end i couldnt take no more, i gave in and ran down to his house, i made sure I let him know. Only then he spoke, telling me to stay home, I didn't listen. I went down there and went to his room, the night before I went I was so angry at myself for what I had lied about I physically beat myself, I had scratches and bruises on my faces but I tried to cover it with make up. He knew what I had did to myself before hand. It was like he didn't want to see me, I knew something bad was gonna happen, I got down on my knees and begged him to forgive me, I still couldn't bring the strength to tell him the truth, I told him how much he meant to me and how much I loved him, If not lived for him. I cried he cried. But still as I held his hand it was like he didn't want to hold it, very loose grip and slight pulling away. He couldn't even look at me. Things got a little better later, we watched an anime together but he didn't want me to take if my make up as he didn't want to see the full extent of what I did to myself. But in the end I did as I can't sleep with make up on and it would of come off in his pillow anyway. I haden't eaten in a very long time say about a whole 2 weeks, if not a little bit longer than that i went down from 9st 10 to 8 st in 2 weeks and because of my large bones and build, my hipbones and spine started slowly started to protrude. I *had suffered from my lie and my mistake, I had suffered from his also, I suffered from not knowing what was going on for him in his mind, i had suffered from the lack of communication from him, I had suffered from the thought that there might be someone else whether truth or false. My head was not clear anymore. He tried to make me eat but I found it hard to bring myself to as the thought of everything that had happened, *including the thought of food made me sick as I felt I didn't deserve to be satisfied, I didn't deserve to fill any emotional or physical *void inside me. 'if you love me if your care you will eat... For me' I looked in to his eyes and saw that the love was there (maybe) I could see he was hurt staring at my scratched up face. I managed eat a little but I couldn't eat much, I tried to make it less obvious I was eating much by talking loads but he read me like a book he knew and I had to eat. But then there was a physical side of things that had stopped me eating, I had punched myself in the jaw so hard that my jaw was too stiff and painful to move in the normal motion of chewing, I punched my temple (soft part of your head) do hard that I had a constant head ache and the pressure from chewing made it worst. We got in to bed, we said out goodnight and 'i love you's, i put my head on his chest as he held me with one arm, my head was so painful, *I didn't sleep I was up most of the night just staring at the ceiling and he felt it, he kept saying to sleep but I couldn't, a part if me felt too scared to close my eyes, but also the physical side was a contributing factor to. I just told him it was my head, not the other thing. He went and got some painkiller gel and a drink, he rubbed the gel on the side of my head, I could still see the pain and shock in his eyes from what I had done to my face, he asked me why I did it? And I told him. We went back to sleep and I finally managed to drop off, he got up for work in the morning and I woke up with him, it was like he had reverted back to how he was in the beginning if the night before, cold. I asked him if he wanted me to stay till after work since it was a friday and we spent every weekend together, he seemed unsure when he said yes, do i asked him again and he said hesitantly that he needed space, my heart stopped as i now officially knew this was the start of something bad, I knew I would have to endure what I had been enduring for the past 2 weeks, I couldn't hold in my pain and I started to cry. He suddenly changed his mind and panicked and said 'no no no don't go stay, I didn't mean it' he started to cry also, I said to him I don't want to be somewhere I'm not wanted. He got up and took the money he left for me to get home and said he wanted me to stay and I still repeated what I had said before 'i don't want to be where I'm not wanted, you don't want me'. It was strange I started to get a little scared, he was still cry put just screamed and went to punch a wall and I got up to stop him. In the end I decided to stay. I took him to the door, kissed and hugged him and said our goodbyes. I was so weak physically but i managed to get back up stairs only to find the money he left me placed on the table again... 'But he said he didn't want me to leave'. Slowly that sinking ferling came upon me and then That pain inside kicked back in again with vengeance this time, eating away at me inside, it felt like the floor swallowed me whole. Why you ask? 'He said stay' you say. no he left it there for me to go, it was a sign he didn't want me there, so I left, and do you know how I knew I was right because when he returned home at 6 or when it hit 9pm he didn't call, like he didn't care. So I called him. No answer i tried several times more no answer. And finally, by mistake he picked up the phone without realising, he was talking to people and laughing I heard him say bye to them and walking away, I could hear the shuffle of his walk. He finally looked at the phone and realised I was on the line, I could hear the surprise in his voice 'Dee!?' I asked him why he never answered my call or find the time to reply to my text? He said yet again he needed space, I tried to explain to him that whenever he hurt me in the past, I had never put him through such pain and worry, he saw what it had done to me mentally and physically, the pain was so much, the thought of losing the person I loved so much, someone I thought made me whole, someone i lived for, someone i most desperately wanted to make happy scared me that much, so much so I inflicted pain to myself knowingly and unknowingly and some of it helplessly. His reply was aggressive and strong, angry. ' I told you I just needed space! I'm not going to leave you! I love you, I just need space. I couldn't take it, I put the phone down, I cried helplessly, I tried to control the urge to hurt myself and I did. I didn't call him the next day, nor did I eat or sleep, even talk. The day after My dads phone started to ring, *a phone call from my husbands phone, I answered as soon as I could but it wasn't him it was his sister 'dee I need to speak to your dad' I asked her why but she never told me. I started to drift in to a panic attack. He told his family about the that lie i couldnt tell the truth about. My hands tingled, my throat went dry, i could barely breathe, my body felt so light and strange, i really thought i was dying. I dont know how i managed to speak. She continued to say she didn't want to speak to me and that she wanted to speak to my dad, me? I carried on refusing and demanding to speak to my husband but she said he did not want to, I begged her to prove it to me and she did, she took the phone upstairs and asked him while I was on the phone... 'No, no I don't' it was so cold and aggressive, I thought it wasn't even his voice for a second, I was shaking so badly, the pain I felt from those words emptied my whole body of what I had left of myself. *'see? Dee? He doesn't want to talk... now, put your dad on the phone'... I look back I think it was all so childish, it was like a parent trying trying to sort out a disputed between children, the only difference is, he was 27 and I was 18. *My parents didn't know what was going on but they knew there was something wrong as I hadn't been coming out my room, eating or sleeping and also the added fact that everyday, once every hour or so we were on the phone if I wasn't with him, my weekends were empty where as before I was at his house most weekends and days during the week. I had to tell my mother, she tried to support me the best way she could during this day. In the end I walked out the house in to the corridor to take a phone call from his phone again, 'dee, stop crying, give the phone to your dad' she was as cold as ice. My dad came out and heard everything. By that one lie I risked loosing him and my farther as he may have disowned me, it's like that in my religion. I gave him the phone, she told him everything.

Before it blew I ran out of the flat took the little bit of money I had, one of my many last attempt to save the relationship I valued with my life. I way running towards the train station but I couldn't carry on, I was too weak and light headed, only god knows why I didn't collapse. Just as I was at the station a card sped by a beeped it was my mother, she told me to get in the car, at first I didn't listen but I gave in as I was too weak to walk and on the verge on collapse (literally!).*
She said the brother, the sister, the father were all at his mums house (where he also lives) with him and that they were so angry and that it would be the worst idea to go there right now.*

She took me for a drive to try and calm me but it was impossible, she tried to help the best ways a mother could but it wasn't working. I actually thought I was dying (stupid know).
*I had intentions, ones I wish now I never had. *I asked her to take me home, she started driving home. We was about 2minutes driving distance from the station, she had to pull to a stop to let another car out from parking while doing so, I unplugged my seat belt, the adrenaline rush made me feel more faint, dizzy, shaky *and more like I was actually dying, I didn't know what was happening to me physically, but my mind? The only thought? '**** that, this is the last thing Your going to do before you give way to death'
My mum just started to drive, *I opened the door and thought I could make a 'jump *and roll'. My eyesight wasn't clear at all at this time.
Luckily for me she managed to slow down as she realised what I was doing, I tried to get out as the car was still rolling, I managed to make a somewhat embarrassing, grippy escape and yes everyone in the street looked at me like I was crazy all the traffic behind looked at me like I was crazy, I admit I was, for thinking that this man (you might as well say boy), loved me and that everything sweet thing and promise was the truth.*

I started my journey to the station walking... Not just any walking! Haha *'speed' walking down the street, with my mum driving beside me, telling me that he was not worth this (i wish i listened) and that im making a mistake (I wish I knew), I ignored and carried on and she drove off finally. I was so out of it, *my vision was blurry, as I was walking (you might as well say floating because that's how I felt) my legs kept giving way, making me walk like a twat buckling down the street, I really couldn't hold my self but I kept trying and trying, that 10 minute walk to the station felt like 2 hours, it was like I was walking on a tread mill, I had to take regular breaks from walking because! *I felt I really was gonna die! I know I keep saying that but really thought that was the end of *the epic loser called 'me' haha (the most that would of happened is fainting). Even when I did take breaks my legs would shake continuously and violently like it couldn't hold up my weight, even though It felt like my body was floating, I couldn't even feel my steps as I took them.*

I literally Just about managed to get to the station and I saw my mothers car, I just ignored her words of wisdom and care and walked my way in to the station and on to the platform. I had to wait 20minutes for the train and that 20 minutes felt like 20 hours. I was so scared and probably had less than 10% of physical and mental energy.

I kept thinking about how good he treated me and how certain he always was about our future, about all the affection he gave me, about all the words we shared expressing our love. *I was in denial my mind was clouded, it's like someone switched on a disable button in my head then activated my heart as my new brain, the only thing i wish i never trusted. What happened to me? I use to be so strong when it came to walking away from people that had hurt me to a level i could i pleaded insanity by. he wasnt even what I fully wanted in the beginning of it all anyway, right? *I just silenced myself and ignored my instincts about everything that I felt and that had happened from the start.

The train arrived and my heart was beating so fast and head spinning *so fast, I thought I wouldn't be able to stand up and then to get on the train but I forced myself to use that last little speck of energy I had left in me at that point.*

I sat down right at the back of the train, there was two other guys sitting there being loud and stupid, trying to grab my attention by talking about how many girls want them and then talking about how sexy they thought *I was. I had no emotion in me to give them... no anger, no appreciation for their appreciation of my looks, nothing. Everything around me seemed dark, I felt all my emotions compressed by fear and sadness, I felt nothing but that.

I arrived at the station i needed to be at.*
I struggled to stand up to get off the train but managed to make it*
To the doors, where the danger lies as the condition of my physical well being wasn't really not strong enough to be stepping off any god damn train and on to a gapped platform with added stress of those idiot guys trying to call me over while i'm trying to put all my brain power and physical strength in to getting off the train safely.
I just made sure i took my time and elongated my leg a bit more than usual when stepping off on to the platform to make sure there was more concrete for me to fall on if I fainted, instead of falling down the gap and on to the train tracks.

I made it up the stairs of the station and out to the bustop, I waited for the bus for about 15- 20 minutes and even after it still wasn't there. I didn't want to risk my chances by *walking as I knew I would make it with how my body was feeling.

I saw a car in the distance that looked like my mothers and yep! It was. I actually felt a slight relief as i knew that at some point my body would have been too worn out to even make it there. They had to promise to take me where I needed to go before I got in the car, as I didn't want to be fooled and driven back to my borough, and they do they made the promise and took me to his house. But on the way, they continued to warn me about doing trying to fight for him when he's not putting in nothing, not even the respect of calling me to speak for himself. I arrived he wasn't there, his mum and dad was, they knew I would come down to talk with him so his sister took him to her flat. His dad was one that rarely spoke to me or tried to get to know me. His mum and his dad were divorced as he ended up choosing his mistress over her.

His dad kept coming in my face with his sour puss face saying *'it's over, there's only so much a person can take, leave, it's finished' , for his mum? who once upon a time called me her daughter in law and apparently loved me like her own, was in agreement even though she said she didn't want it to be that way. *I received no respect from them not a bit, I felt like the most evil person in the world. I didn't want to live, I didn't deserve to live, and as far as my heart was concerned I didn't need to anymore. My mother and father stuck up for me as I was incapable of doing so myself with where my head space was at and my struggle trying to keep myself from dropping out flat on to the floor.*
When really, in life, after being dragged about emotionally like a rag doll by people before i acquired that skill of being of being more than capable to stand up for myself when being attacked, but as you can see, it failed me that day, I was too weak in more than one aspect.*

I left that house more damaged then I was before I walked in. *I couldn't even produce tears, it was like I used them all up. I couldn't cry, not even inside, I was in a state of shock even. my mind was disturbed, I hadn't understood what I had to endure, I couldn't understand, all I could think was 'after everything I've thrown away for you, everything you've put me through , everything we shared, everything we supported each other through, after everything you know about me and my hurt in the past and how it affected me, you choose to throw away what we had in the most deliberating, crushing form?'
It can't be possible for him to do this, that's what I told myself.

Jheezz, I got home I didn't want to do anything, I 'couldn't' do anything. I didn't want to move, talk, smile. All I wanted was to cry at this point I could and my tears continued to fall through the night. I felt helpless, weak, tired, broken, all the bad things you can think off. At this point I developed some kind of fear for being alone in my room, I have no idea the reasons why but I suppose it was because my mind was disturbed, my world had been shaken.
This was the loneliest I had ever felt, ever. I started to think about the immaturity of the situation, the fact that he couldn't handle his own business and face me like the man I thought he was or how a man should be.*
*I had to try and figure out why I let myself suffer for 2 weeks, holding everything in, the way i felt and how scared i was and how i left my body in that condition from my loved ones and friends, for him to only decide a way out in which was too cruel to handle but so easy for him. It didn't make sense, all the chances I gave, all the things I had to just try and put to the back of my mind and try to learn that's not who he is, all the moments we shared, the effort i had put in... Meant nothing anymore.

*I still think why he couldn't be an adult and discuss whats was going on for him with me, he was 27, I was 18, why couldn't he act his age and use the traits in his gender, be a man.*

being a man? He wasn't, not one bit, *he'd rather hurt me to that extent, leaving me to suffer for two weeks, feeding me lies, and then push everything on his family to sort out in which they didn't and with lack of respect.
I started to think of what he had done to me on our time together and why it was so hard for him to talk to me after I stood strong through everything he put me through and ignored my instincts for his sake. I started to think of the miscarriage and why it had happened, but now? I know.

Even 2 days after I still went back to his house. Islamically, I was still married to him as he didn't divorce me, he hadn't carried his duties when divorcing as a Muslim, there's things you have to say for it to be official. And he knew that. And he knew that no one else could do it apart from him.

I knocked on the door, my friend was across the road waiting for me. I had to bring her because I didn't know if I would be in my right frame of mind after the talk and then being alone after, I didn't know if I would do anything to myself, I was scared of myself.*
His mum opened the door and she said to come in and that he wasn't there, he was at the gym. So I waited for him to come back, I could barely talk I was petrified of what was to come and the reaction I would get. His mum just kept going on about how he doesn't want to be with me and that it's over. I couldn't stop shaking, I told her my friend was waiting for me outside and she invited her in to sit in the living room. And the door went, him and his brother walked in, his brother didn't say anything, just gave a dirty look and walked in to the living room. And my 'husband'? He just looked at me and barely said a word. We went upstairs to talk, as we got in to his room, my heart began to race faster than it had been all day and the 2 weeks I suffered with heart palpitations, I began to feel more faint and began to shake more. I tried to express myself to him and that I loved him, I kissed him but the kiss back was weak, he could barely look at me, I started to shake even worse and that's the point were he started to cry more. I left the house not telling my family in the end they found out and were on the way down to support me if he divorced me. I asked him if he wanted to be with me, he said his head was too clouded to make up his mind, even though he said he still loved me.

I had to be strong at this point, I had suffered enough as the result of waiting and I wasn't going to walk away another night without an answer. I let him know that. In the end my father arrived and needed a man to man with him. I went downstairs to where his mother was still going on, I just ignored. Maybe if he was 15 or 18 I would have listened from the start but he was 27 and made a choice to commit to me, if he was man enough to do that then he should be man enough to face me and finish it, as respect to our time and effort spent (wasted) on each other and the hurt we had been through together and some which he had put me through personally, and as respect after not letting me walk away when I wanted to.
*I never wanted to get families involved in our problems when we had them as I was mature enough to handle my own business. If anyone said anything that I felt was negative about him I would always lash out at them and never spoke about iur business to friends or if we had an argument I refused to let of steam to friends for the sake of 'us'. My mum had warned me from him, I didn't listen I always lashed out at her too, to defend him and 'us'.

After I went up stairs and hr was smiling, everything had been sorted. We was going to try but my instincts said something wasn't right, I went back in the room twice to ask the same question... 'I feel something isn't right, are you sure this is what you want? You need to be honest before I leave do I can go home and heal my pain if you don't want to be with me'. He said yes, thatched wanted to try. I left unsure and the pain didnt disappear 100% but it was better, I managed to eat half and apple when I got home and managed to get more than an hours undisturbed sleep in 2 weeks. I woke up the next morning and the pain was gone but my body and mind was still weak, messed up and shakey. But I was a little better. I didn't call him or text him as I thought we both needed time to process all that had happened. About 11 o'clock I was just walking in to my room to put my phone on charge and heard my mums phone go off (text message).

'idiot' she said, I heard her from the living room but didn't think anything of it. She slowly approached me in my room, I saw the look in her face and all the pain that disappeared for such a short while kicked back in... I knew, i knew what she was going to say.

He had text my mum to tell her it's over...
My head was spinning, my world shattered right In front of me, I hated myself, I hated the world. I couldn't take it, I stated banging my head on the wall furiously. I didn't want to be awake, the pain was over whelming, I didn't want to feel it, I wanted to be unconscious. My mum pulled me away from the wall and held me to stop me from doing to the point *I actually did get knocked out. She was crying in hysterics just as much as me, she could feel my pain. I was physically sick.
kneeling over the toilet seat to be sick with my head in the toilet, my whole body was in pain, i was being sick, but nothing was in me to come up, I cried and heaved for a whole half an hour. Why didn't he spare me? Why didn't he end it yesterday? Why did he make me believe? Why did he say he loved me? Is this how you recieve love, through pain? Is this what I get after forgiving him for what he did to me which ended up making me loopy?


It hurt so bad I didn't want to be here, on earth, I didn't deserve to be, I was the most awful person on earth.*
I tried to call, no answer, text, no reply. My head was not here anymore.*

I got the bleach from the bathroom and yes I drank it, not knowing how painful the death would be or the chances of death actually happening.

*I couldn't drink much as my tongue, eyes, nose, throat and stomach were burning. I stopped, I didn't tell anyone. It was only until the smell of bleach started to smell out my room or where ever I went. The burning in my stomach was bad and i couldn't cope with it, I had to tell my friend. I got taken to the hospital and met the most amazing down to earth doctor ever. He was very wise and not the typical doctor, he opened up to me and gave me advice. 'don't waste your self on an ******* like him, you are worth more than a ****ing idiot you have people that love you, I will not let you leave this hospital until you have something to eat to get energy and a glass of milk to calm down the burning'. I was shocked at how a doctor such as himself was swearing to be honest. But it didn't change anything for me, I still felt the same, I still thought my life was over and that if the bleach couldn't kill me, then surely I would naturally die with how my body was feeling (but as I said before the most that's would happened was fainting) I just thought i was, my brain told me I was! Haha omg.

I went home and my mum took me to Bournemouth for the weekend with my sister as things were bad and I needed to get away. I didn't enjoy it, even though I should have, i felt disabled. In my mind I felt like I couldn't do anything, I didn't want to do anything. Everything I watched, everything I did reminded me of him and it hurt, every time I took a breath I would feel that emotional pain rise through me. It was hard and I thought I wouldn't make it through and I didn't want to get through it. One the Sunday my mums phone started to ring, it was his mum.*
I answered, she asked to speak to my mum and I said to hear I'm done with this situation being so childish, this is nothing to do with you or my mum but me and him, if you are going to speak to anyone than it should be me. I won't get in to what she said because to me at that moment in time it was bull****.*
I made things everything so easy for him, I packed his clothes and took it to his home, he didn't have to face me and see what everything had done to me. *He didn't have to worry about me throwing his possessions in the bin!*
In the end, after trying to get him to come away with me just for that break in morocco that we booked, away from family influences and to rest and relax he said no, he turned cold. In his personality he turned cold, *his love turned cold. It was like I wasn't speaking to him but another person. I rarely slept after the break up but things are getting better. I found some comfort in self help books and to be honest if this never happened I don't think I would of gained that special wiseness.*

It's so hard to accept something's over, I know. Especially when you did so much, changed so much and gave up so much. I don't agree with people saying 'your time wasn't wasted' because it was. It really was... But! You have gained something that is beneficial, that is knowledge. If your thinking about calling your ex... Don't! You will be putting yourself through the whole experience again. The best way to go about things is to, protect yourself, love yourself or learn to love yourself. I admit, it's only been two months for me and the end of the love I gave being thrown away and he really didn't deserve my love. I know that now. It's not the end of the world. It feels like it yes but it really isn't. I feel your pain, I've done every thing your not suppose to do when someone cheats on you in anywAy physically or virtually, I did what I shouldn't do to get him back, and worst of all is that i tried to. And yes some say don't regret but i do... Everything, from situations from being friends and also as lovers. I regret I trusted him even though my mind said not to. *But just because it's ok to feel like that doesn't mean you can hold on to it in your life. You will inevitably come across someone you deserve. I 'had' to go through that. It was my destiny even though I felt like I was given a choice as I had strong doubts, i just wasn't strong or heartless enough to act on them. But why was it my destiny? Because I'm on the pathway to finding the one that truly loves me and these people and problems in my life were just obstacles. I still have that horrible pain but believe me if you still feel it too YOU can change that! I promise you. It's hard but remember, you are on that path and the only thing that will stop you is inevitably death. But you are loved. If you ever need advice or comfort in someway contact me: rema-rema@hotmail.co.uk

You will be happy, I promise you, no matter what age you are. You will love and live life again. Say to yourself you can and will get through this.
We are all fighters, sometimes we just need to find it in us. We are in a survival mode at tines like this, you trying to get through this. If your still alive believe me no matter what yourbdoingbyoubare surviving, subconsciously you are. Be aware of it. You are special and important let yourself know that. You have the power to get over this, you have the power to get through this as fast or as slow as you want (but im sure you want it to be fast) and you also the power to love again if you let yourself. Not every human on earth is the same as him or her... Yes it's traumatic to you and many others going through the same thing but don't let it spoil your life please. while all this was going on my family member was dying of cancer, I asked for my exs support even still he didn't . My mind slowly started to change, I went to morocco on my own but I saw my aunty and how I'll she was, once a strong sturdy women, in to a withering child like female. I started to look at her life, she is 50, never loved, never been in love or been loved back or had children and why? She didn't trust men she felt she was incapable of love because of her trust and hurt in the past. I don't want to die this way, you don't want to, you can't, don't let this happen to you. Life is precious. Don't throw love away and a chance to add that addition to your life, but never makit it your life. If things end it will only hurt more. We all made mistakes, I did, he did, you have... But we learn to better ourselves from it. If you let yourself. you are worth more.