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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    4

    Need Some Help ...

    First of all, hello and thank you for making this great community!

    Here is my problem that i'm going through ... it's going to be a long read, sorry!


    Well, here goes. This all started about 5 months ago, towards the end of July of 2012. My "wife" of what would have been 11 years in 2 days tells me she isn't "happy" anymore. She tells me she still loves me, but she doesn't know what she wants. Well, turns out she had been talking to her best friends husband. He left his wife of twenty years. She said she felt like we didn't spend enough time together anymore, and I agree we didn't. I got a new job, working at night ... and was working 55+ hours a week. She worked in the day time when our two children were in school, she took care of her disabled father while her mother worked. She had to always go over there even after her mom was home to do things for him like change the bandages on his legs and stuff. I didn't get home until about 1 am during the week and 3am on the weekends, so I never got to see my kids much ... so I stayed up playing video games until it was time to take them to school every morning then I would go to bed. I always asked her if the video games bothered her and she said no. She had been talking to this "man" on the phone, I knew about it .... she asked me if it bothered me and I said no ... because I knew this person, and my wife and I had never had problems, I trusted her. This "man" had been trying to befriend me, and get me to come over and hangout, but I just wasn't interested really.... this is the third time he has left his wife, and the second time with his wife's friend. My wife is 28, she was 27 when she left. This "man" is 42. He is an alcoholic, and a heavy smoker. She has always hated all three things, older men, smoking and drinking. The only thing he offered her that I didn't was he made more money, and she now drives his brand new truck, that she's wrecked twice now.

    I get that she was feeling lonely now, I wasn't giving her the attention I should have. It took this for me to see that. We didn't really talk about problems if we had them ... because we never had problems so there was nothing to talk about. The sex in the relationship never stopped, the last week me and the kids were there ... we had sex every day. We made love the day me and the kids moved away. The kids and I left, because at the time we couldn't stay there without her income. We moved 4 hours away to my moms house, school was about to start and I didn't have anywhere there to go. I quit my job to try to fix things, but it didn't happen.

    She promises me she never cheated, nothing ever happened while we were still together. But, the day we left she was with him. He got an apartment for them where he pays 1000 a month, he still pays the bills at his wife's place as well. She moved in 4 days after we were gone.

    It has been 5 months now, we still talk just about daily. She still tells me she loves me, that she is sorry and she wished we never moved away. She now has a job, just started last week. She said she is going to start paying off the power bill and cable bill we had when the kids and I moved. I ask her all the time why she is sorry, because she now has what she wanted ... and she has replied several times saying this isn't what she wanted and she just wants us to come home. When the kids go back home to visit family and such, we spend time together, when she has come here to get the kids we spend time together, go to lunch or go to the park or something. We do everything like a family, hold hands hug and tell each other that we love one another still. Only thing is, she wont let me kiss her, except on her forehead now. She calls me when he is sleeping or isn't around ...or at work. I have been to "their" apartment twice when he was at work ... nothing happened, just been there talking to her. She said she doesn't know what she wants. But I know she was happy. I admit the time we spent together could have been improved and I've apologized many times.

    I can't get her off my mind, she says she thinks about us a lot. I haven't been a religious person but during this I've prayed, asked for guidance and last time I was home I went to breakfast with a friend of mine that we've known for a long time who is a Pastor. He said he is sorry, and to listen to my heart and talk to God. He said Love Conquers All, and if I can forgive everything and look past it and can trust her again, to not give up. Everyone was shocked by this, her family, mine, our friends. Everyone looked up to us, we had an amazing relationship.

    It's easy for people to say let go and move on, but I genuinely still love her with all my heart. I don't want to be with anyone else in my life. She asked to keep her engagement ring, and her wedding set ... and my class ring. Last time I was home I tried to give back my wedding ring, but she said no ... she wasn't going to let me do that. She just wasn't going to take it back. And she started crying. I've never cried a lot in my life, but these last 5 months have been terrible. I still cry today. What do I do? I can't move home until after the kids are finished with school. I want to go home, so do the kids. We just aren't happy here. Our whole life was there, and this just isn't doing it for us. We're not going home to be with her again, the reason is for our happiness again. Please help me. I don't know where else to go ...

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    The Cloud of Unknowing
    Posts
    17,244

    Re: Need Some Help ...

    Hi Welcome to the forums. I wish it was under happier circumstances.

    It is easy to say in hindsight: "If only I ..." or "If only she ...", but sadly life does not work like that.

    I am sure neither of you was happy about that, but sadly it is the reality for many families trying to make ends meet. Both you and your wife were working to pay the bills, and maintain a decent lifestyle for yourself and your children, as well as relatives such as your wife's father. But due to the incongruence of your working hours you hardly had time to spend with each other.

    Because you spent so little time together, it is easy to feel dissatisfied, neglected, and spend time wondering if there is not more to life than the daily conundrum. I am sure your wife did not have the active intention to have an affair, or walk out on her marriage when all this started.
    This guy, at least offers a bit of variety - yeah he makes more money, but I doubt either of you is that obsessed with money (other than to pay all the bills and such) - and that seems from the outside what must have attracted her the most. Not the money, his physical appearance or his career. But the variety, and the fact that he would listen to her, while you were either sleeping after your graveyard shift, or busy working your a$$ off to support your family.

    She could live a fantasy as long as it was not real. But now she is discovering that the fantasy is not all that cracked up to be. Doing what she has done not only impacted on her life, but also on yours, your children, as well as her own (extended) family. And her relationships with everyone as well.

    She still has not made a definitive choice for herself, one way or the other. She is still undecided how to go forward with her life. Whether that is with this new guy, or with you. As much as you are not "ready" to give up on your marriage, she is not ready to make a decision one way or the other. Else she would have made definitive steps to either win you back, or alternatively start divorce proceedings.

    The tricky part in this situation is that you cannot force her to make a decision. Because that will only feed her doubts and indecisiveness. But that does not mean you have to wait for her to make a decision. You need to shape your life in such a way that you can be happy with it, in terms of work, family support, maintaining good relationships with your children, and naturally enjoying your life. Work on yourself. It never hurts to improve yourself.

    It is not a bad idea to give her a timeline (e.g. set a date) to figure out what she wants - you can't put your life on hold indefinitely. And you deserve better than being kept as a backup plan, while your wife tries to enjoy the best of both worlds. If she wants you back, the onus is on her to restore the trust, and to fight for the relationship. She can't waltz in and act as if nothing happened in the past year.

    As for the practicalities, there is no need for you to rush into anything. Make decisions when you are comfortable taking them. That includes decisions to move back, perhaps look for a different home (depending on the affordability of your old place), and in the case when your wife is not coming back, to file for divorce. I take it that most of your support networks and friends are in the city you used to live with your wife? Which would help you greatly to get your life back under control, and help you shape your life in a positive manner.
    Also, make certain that if you move back, that you have a good job lined up, so that you won't be spending 80+ hours a week working just to pay the bills, with little to no time for your children.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    4

    Re: Need Some Help ...

    Thank you very much for the reply. I don't understand still, and I guess I never will. Tomorrow will be very hard because it is supposed to be "our" anniversary. I don't see how she can still tell me the things she tells me, send me pictures and be in a faithful relationship with him. She came down here a couple months ago to visit and stayed here, she slept in the same bed as me ... then I find out from mutual friends she is telling everyone she slept in the kids room with them.

    Yes, the reason the kids and I want to move back is because our whole life is there. Moving here was a last resort, kind of an only option. Not for me, but more so for the kids. So they had the things they needed for school and such ... something stable. I just want to be happy again, I always have been a happy person. I would love to be happy with her again, but I don't know if it will happen. Who knows ..

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    The Cloud of Unknowing
    Posts
    17,244

    Re: Need Some Help ...

    She may be genuinely confused, but from your words I see little indication that she is even trying to get a clear mind. What you write suggests that your wife really wants the best of both worlds, and only keeps you around as a backup option in case things do not work out with this new guy. I know it hurts to read that, but her actions (or inaction) speaks louder than words. And her actions are screaming she is not trying to figure out why she is doing what she is doing - she is enjoying the ride, with little to no regard on how it impacts on you.

    If she had truly been confused she would:
    a) not have slept in the same bed with you
    b) not felt the need to lie to everyone about it
    This has nothing to do with you, but everything with her and her integrity. It is hard to trust someone whose words in no way match up with her actions.

    Whatever happens, it won't be easy to get back to the relationship you once had with your wife. Even if you ultimately came out on top between you and this other guy, what would you end up with? I am not asking to hurt you, but it has been six months now, and each and every day eats away at the trust and commitment between the two of you. A relationship cannot be unilaterally sustained. Both people have to play their parts, and for six months, she has not done so.
    It would take a major effort on both your parts to salvage your relationship, and trust is notoriously difficult to regain. And from the sounds of it, she has little to no idea of what she has put you through.

    You can't put your life on hold indefinitely. No amount of time you spend thinking about your wife is going to change her actions or alter her present actions and experiences. Try and pick up your life, and do things you like to do. Whether that is hobbies, going bowling with your friends, or involving yourself in your community. Try to wrest control back over your life.

    What may be happening, is that the both of you struggle to come to terms with the fact that life does not pan out as you (had) imagined, when you exchanged your vows many years ago. And as life changes, it sometimes is excruciatingly hard to come to terms with that. Hope springs eternal, but sadly not all our hopes are fulfilled. I am not going to suggest you should push for divorce now. There is no "right" or "wrong" time. Each person has his / her own threshold when they truly feel that a marriage is over, and cannot be salvaged anymore. Only file when you are ready for that.

    I would strongly urge to you to get a full picture of all the legalities involved if things do not turn out well, especially with regards to your children and custody arrangements. It is very important to know your rights, also with regards to joint assets, debts and all that jazz, also to avoid unpleasant surprises.

    As for your anniversary? It will be extremely rough on you. Try to do something you'd enjoy. Whether that is meeting up with friends, or spending time with your children. I'd also be wary of calling your wife for your anniversary. If the day still means a lot to her, she'll call. If she does not call, sadly you will know where you stand.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    4

    Re: Need Some Help ...

    Well, she did call. Left a message and then just said bye. She then text me and apologized, she said she wanted to say something about our anniversary but didn't know if she should bring it up, but she had a very hard day. And that she is sorry and she misses me and loves me. She wishes me and the kids could come home, but at this point in time, it's not an option.

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