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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2013

    Complex situation

    So I've been in a situation that's just been getting worse for me for about six months now. I'm a Junior in high school, and everything's been going pretty well. I became great friends with a guy at the beginning of this year, we started a band, we jam every weekend and it's great. Now during the fall, I started to notice a girl. Apparently so did he, and they started dating. I'm not attempting to say i saw her first or anything of the sort. They've gotten pretty close, and I have no intentions of breaking them up, or revealing my pseudo-feelings. Just to make the whole situation a little worse, her mom has cancer. I have no details about it, it may not even be very bad, I just heard this from my friend. I definitely have some kind of feelings for her, and we're good friends, and once again, I have no intention of stealing her from him. I'm just incredibly paranoid that somehow, someway, he'll find out that I sort of like her (because I do), things will get incredibly awkward for me and her, me and my friend will break the band up (which has been going great, we have three gigs booked) and the whole thing will spiral out of control. I flirt with her in the hallways, and he's always there, and I'm nearly positive he knows. Of course he doesn't, I'm just incredibly paranoid about this whole thing. Every time I talk to her, I worry like hell. I need to stop having feelings for her. My feelings can't do anyone any good. But I can't stop. I have no idea what I'm asking for, but if anyone knows how to help out a guy in a situation like this, I would be forever grateful.

    -Ambiguous Username

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    My favourite chair

    Re: Complex situation

    Hi A.U., and welcome.

    You're in a tough spot. I don't know how much help I will be, but soon someone will most likely follow me with better advice...

    I know it isn't easy to swallow feelings and just be a friend. In fact, it sucks. Been there, wore the t-shirt. Sometimes it's really worth it in the end though. You stand to lose a lot if you don't, and that's a lot of incentive.

    I say for awhile, avoid one on one interactions. Really try to stop flirting - which I understand is difficult because it does just happen. It's not always a conscious action. If she hasn't picked up on it yet, eventually she will and it could cause problems. Focus your attention elsewhere, on your friendship, on the band, schoolwork, perhaps another girl that may be checking you out.

    Keep in mind where you're so paranoid about being "caught out" and you're currently wrapped up in the issue, you may very well be ignoring someone else who is trying to get your attention. Trust when I say there are lots of girls out there, your continued success with your band will only bring more.

    Your buddy will be there for her through her mothers ordeal (which is very sad and I'm very sorry to hear) be there as a friend if needed and be there for him too. He very well need a friend at some point to vent to.

    On another note, congratulations on the success of your band. 3 gigs lined up is a great accomplishment, you guys must be pretty amazing. I had a friend, years back, that was in a band and they couldn't get ONE to save their lives (and I thought they were pretty incredible). So yay you guys!

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2013

    Re: Complex situation

    thanks for replying. I've been keeping this to myself for six or more months now, and right now I actually feel better about the whole situation. I would really much rather just stop all communication with her and let her be happy with my friend, but it would seem odd, considering we've been friends for a long time. I figure I'll be alright though.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    The Cloud of Unknowing

    Re: Complex situation

    Not really much advice to offer, other than avoiding one-on-one interactions with her. Also avoid talking about her, unless it really impacts on your band-friend. Her mom having a cancer qualifies, her choosing to wear black boots over high heels does not.

    I am not sure if it is a first time crush or not, but they can last a long, long time. There is no cure for that either, except for getting yourself involved with someone else. There is a very fine line between flirting and pleasant informal conversation, and if the three of you are reasonably close, those boundaries will be murky. As long as you don't act in an untoward manner towards him and her, I don't think this will spiral out of control.

    So no awkward sexual jokes, or serenading under her window, or anything outrageous like that.

    In the age of Facebook, Twitter, etc., it is easy to check up on anyone 24/7. Don't do that. Don't feed your thoughts about her.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

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