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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Posts
    4

    Unhappy I need so much help its not even funny.

    Hi all, I'm new of course.


    I hate these circumstances, one reason is because I'm so scared. This all started a couple of weeks ago. We've been married 12 years and have two kids, one is 9 and the oldest is 14 (not mine by blood, but I've raised him since he was 16 mos.) She started being distant and not wanting to touch, then she told me she was thinking separation (she's not once mentioned divorce YET). She told me she wanted to me continue raising the kids. I could do nothing but cry on her back, and then go outside and curl up against the house and cry. It was the most pain I've ever felt in my life and it hasnt gotten any better. I noticed the next day as well that her gun is missing and when I asked her about it she said "we must've misplaced it". scary stuff! The next day I found 741 texts to a guy she worked with ("just a friend"). the next day (sunday) I decided to keep the cell phone (it was OURS, but I had carried it the previous 10 YEARS up until a month before that), and she FLIPPED, cussing (in front of one of our two kids) and breaking picture frames, punching me in the chest and one huge slap accross the face when I told her "I'm sorry, I'm keeping the phone today". My dad, next door, heard this and called the cops, so they get there, and she starts packing right then and there. They asked me if I wanted to press charges and I told them no. Only after she left did I check the bank account and found out she took pretty much everything ($3k) friday beforehand. She was GONE (as in I didnt know WHERE) for a week solid before I learned that she bailed from work (as in walked out crying, never called back). Found out later that the guy she was texting ended up in amarillo after ditching his truck and cell in town. She started texting and then talking hesitantly on the phone to me probably mid week this week (a week and a half into it) and acting like everythings normal, but she says she's confused and doesnt know what to say. She wont tell me she loves me at all, and she says she just sees us as "family".

    We had a GOOD day yesterday. Went to a counselor, ate lunch, windowshopped for the afternoon, and then she came home for a bit to see the kids and I cooked supper for her. She even got a backrub out of it - but then she left again to her apt. I was giddy I was so happy after that yesterday, but the mornings are really hard for me. Wake up and realize it was just a dream (with her with me) and I'm only hugging a pillow that smells like her.

    Well, my big problem (bigger than the first!) happened just a little while ago when she called and said she wanted the kids for the weekend. She wants to take them to her 1 rm apartment 45 minutes away from here (without telling me where it is exactly) and keep them for 2 days! When I mentioned that I was scared by her behavior (not to mention the gun) and I wasnt comfortable with it, she got peeved all over again. I DO NOT want to make her mad again and backslide into nonconversation (I cant STAND not knowing whats going on, or where she is, or if she's safe - for a week there I was unsure as to even if she was still in this area). I dont know the area, the neighbors (for THAT matter, she couldnt either only living there a week and a half), where the gun is, or anything including location. To beat it all, her mother, who has never acknowlegded the existance of the second child (mine by blood) is talking to her again after 10 years of silence (some of the best 10 years ever) and she's in the same town. I just am distraught not knowing what to do or how to say it. Today is her birthday and she's out with friends....

    Thanks for providing an area to pour my stinky broken heart out...

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere over the rainbow!
    Posts
    26,379

    Re: I need so much help its not even funny.

    Welcome to Lifesupporters, braekdaun!

    You are in a scary situation IMHO. What stands out to me is the missing gun and the fact that she wants the children to visit for the weekend. If your gut is telling you something isn't right, please listen to it.

    If she wants to see the children, maybe let her come and visit while you are there. If you leave them with her, the situation being so unstable, ANYTHING can happen.

    If you are afraid of making her mad, something is telling you that she is capable of doing something very bad to you, the children, and herself. I don't want to be writing this but so many people don't listen to gut instincts and horrendous things happen that can never be undone. Scary stuff indeed when she so easily sloughed off the conversation about the gun.

    You need to protect the children and yourself. Perhaps it's time to go to that counselor on your own quickly and state your fears. The counselor is better equipped to give you advice what you should do.

    Sometimes people make the mistake of thinking they are overreacting when everything is telling them they aren't. Listen to your gut instinct, and talk to someone who can help you quickly. Maybe even phoning a crisis line as well.

    Please keep us posted so that we know you and the children are okay.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    The Cloud of Unknowing
    Posts
    17,271

    Re: I need so much help its not even funny.

    That is a very scary and distressing situation you are in.

    As hard as it must be for you, assume that your wife is not acting randomly, but with clear-cut goals in mind. As long as her actions don't show major remorse, consider the option that she is acting, just to get what she wants - and that is the children.

    Her being deliberately vague point to either a breakdown in trust on her part, or attempting to buy time to get out of town. Neither of which are flattering.

    Taking out the savings, (presumably) taking her gun, and wanting to have the children alone without you around, all point to a plan to take the children and leave the state. And depending on the state you are in, that would leave you having to go through years of court battles, to actually see your children again.

    So, definitely don't sign anything, and don't leave your children in the care of your wife. I'd also consider talking to your kids' principals, to make them aware that if their mom shows up to collect them from school, for whatever reason, something is seriously amiss.

    Let her threaten court actions if necessary. She can't file for anything without informing relevant authorities of her whereabouts, or of good reasons why for example you should not have full custody over your children.

    There is a fair chance that the guy she is texting is still in the picture. She might even be feeding misinformation to those around, just to give people a sense of false security. So unless you can confirm something for yourself, bear in mind that the information you get may be flawed.

    I'd suggest speaking to your counselor, share your fears, and consider if you can still see this marriage working out. She broke the trust, it is not your job to rebuild it. It is hers. And if she refuses to do so, that is on her. Right now her actions scream that she has no intention to make things work. And that is not going to make things work.

    How are the kids dealing with the situation?
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Posts
    4

    Re: I need so much help its not even funny.

    Thanks for your thoughts. I still feel terrible telling her no, I still would give anything for it to work out, but I DID promise to take care of the boys 2 weeks ago when she first told me to keep raising them, that I was doing a good job.

    We had such a good day yesterday, it was almost like she was back in our lives..... I want so badly for it to work for us.

    TWO people today told me my eyes were pretty and I just about broke down each time. I'm crying at doggone commercials, songs, and just about everything. dangit.

    I DO feel that there is something big that she's hiding, beit an affair, or that dumb kid she was texting hoodoo'd her out of the savings account, or something like that. Truth be told, I could forgive just about anything at this point, but it just doesnt seem like she's wanting to work forward. I've told her numerous times that if I could love her better I will (Corinthians chapter 7), and I've told her how (rededicate our lives in the Church and get baptised again to start over the RIGHT way, and read the Bible regularly), but she just says "I dont know" and "I'm confused", "this is too much to take in".... etc, etc.

    I wrote something down here that I can refer back to when she calls and I have to tell her no - tell me what you think



    "This is too much of an unreasonable expectation to put on a father that loves his kids more than anything. I've never seen the place, dont know about safety, including neighbors (do YOU know them? are they child predators or have you even looked online to see if there's any around you?) The kids safety cant go on blind faith, which is what this is - there's been way too many questions in the past two weeks to just throw them into a situation like that. You are the one who stepped out of a family with children without thinking about how to do it without hurting them or at least lessening the blow. They have their comfort zone at home, which is where they're gong to be comfortable visiting you, not in a strange place (still strange for you too).

    Please forgive me for making this decision, but I still want you in their lives, you are free to come by here and see them. In the end, I want an open dialogue, and I would still love to have you back in the family, as I love you dearly - but I still promised to take care of the boys, and I cant not knowing any more than you've given me. Maybe the counselor Tuesday can help us with this. "


    I love her still with all my heart, and I'd still bend over backwards in forgiveness (I wouldnt even have to have full disclosure, we all make mistakes), but I need something showing she wants to make it work or SOMEthing. When the counselor asked her if she wanted to make it work, she was REALLY hesitant to even say "I dont know".

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Posts
    4

    Re: I need so much help its not even funny.

    oh, according to my lawyer, she did abandon them, so even talking to her is playing a dangerous game. But what to do, dang it! I want it to work out, but I have to protect the boys.

    Oh, and there's another caveat - the oldest isnt biologically mine. I was never able to fully adopt him, so I technically dont have much a legal right to keep him. My lawyer DID say that with the laws in the this state we could go through the court system and keep him with his family and brother, but I dont want to put them through that!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    My favourite chair
    Posts
    78

    Re: I need so much help its not even funny.

    Hi braekedaun,

    I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It's truly heartbreaking.

    Luba and Vautrin have given some great advice. I don't believe I would be much help here, but I'll reiterate that you need to do what's best for you and your two sons. First talking to your counselor one-on-one and letting them know all that you told here. A professional would be better able to assist and in this case I believe one is needed.

    She is the one who needs to do the work, not you. If she is unwilling to do so, there is not much you can do except to protect yourself and your children.

    Has she actually said at any point that's he wanted to take the children away from you for good? I'm just wondering if she has been upfront about her intentions at all. I'm glad you have spoken to a lawyer so quick.

    I think that you've done the right things so far, I would like to point out again Vautrin's advice to call the principal of your boys. Let everyone that needs to know, know.

    As far as the letter you have written, I really think you should run by what to do/say with your lawyer or counselor. It sounds good in theory but, you don't know what's going through her mind and it could push her over the edge. It's a very, very sticky situation. If you HAVE to say anything before being able to discuss with a professional, I would say that she is absolutely welcome and encouraged to come see the kids but before you send them over you want to be able to check out where they're going to be. Again, I would talk to your lawyer and counselor about this though.

    I'm sorry that you're going through this. My heart goes out to you.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Posts
    4

    Re: I need so much help its not even funny.

    She called and tried to force the issue with taking the kids for the weekend. When I told her I was not comfortable with it, she flipped her top. I got a call when I was in town (buying doorlocks) that the sherriff was involved and I couldnt keep austin (until some form of protective order comes through) and that she could come get him.

    Well, she showed up while I was still out, unlocked the locked door and proceeded to help herself to her stuff and austins stuff, she called a towtruck and had her car (73 challenger I built for her) hauled off.

    She even took both kids baby teeth when she cleaned out the little "safe box" that we had.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    The Cloud of Unknowing
    Posts
    17,271

    Re: I need so much help its not even funny.

    Yikes! That is really dreadful. Get a lawyer involved, and start all the necessary proceedings (whether that includes a charge of burglary against her or not). It is obvious from your wife's actions she has no intent of stopping at anything.

    Your wife won't stop at anything, so it is pointless to keep wearing the kiddy gloves.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    6

    Re: I need so much help its not even funny.

    This is high conflict, take a deep breath, now think, think back you had signs. This is not your fault, usually one party is more "evil" than the other, (if you will).
    Now, get your head in the game and think proactive, you must get proactive. You did not start the "war" but you are now in one. I think you need to read the book, "splitting" by Bill Eddy. I cried the first time I read the book, but I go back and reread it now while I too am going through a high conflict situation. First on your list is your children, you need to file first and get custody of the children, you need to protect what's left and get things straight. You did nothing wrong, so that will be your living strength during this whole ordeal. You tried, you gave, yes you made some mistakes along the way, but you loved this woman and she does not feel the same, so now get yourself in protective mode and do what you need to do to get yourself prepared and proactive in this high conflict situation that you are in. You are not alone, and I know you will get through this and eventually be much joyful and have some peace again.

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