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  1. #1
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    Should I file for full custody of my two childern

    My ten year marriage has been rough from the start and never got any better for either of us. It really comes down to the fact my wife does not and will not get a drivers license. She also will not live in a city or ride a bus. She has taken a train and plane before. While we were together she wanted to try and get her license ablnd we tried a bunch. We always based our lives around her problem. She would say she was so depressed because she couldn't. fullly care for the kids. So we rented an appartment on the edge of a small town where she could walk the older kid to school, walk to her job and walk to a bus stop two blocks away. She made her mother drive to our house and pick up my older son and take him to school. She has never taken the bus anywhere and she made me ot her mom drive her the one block to work. Six months ago we decided that I would help her move out and establish herself as a single parent in a feww months financial reasons, I asked her to not date anyone else without telling me first or doing anything hurtful to each other. So maybe a month goez by and mg wife runs into her first boyfriend in high school. We live a couple houses down the street frim his parents house. One of her concerns when we moved in was that he was violent and a hard drug user. I told her it has been sixteen years it will be ok. So she sees him and decides she wants to bury the hatchet with this and contacts him via facebook. She agrees to meet him at a bar and wants me to come so she is safe. I had to go to work but she decided to go anyways. She says she was so wrong about him and she wants me to be friends with him. Ok bt I think it is weird is what I said. So we hang out with him a couple ttimes andsheis falling for him it was obvious . I tell her I don't. think. you.should she this guy unless your sure we are finished. She says I am crazy their is nothing going on. Finally I confrint her after she embarrasses me in public with him. She leaves and moves into his place. She then tries to mo e the kids in with this guy after two weeks. She didn't. talk to the landlord, put her name on tje lease, or introduce the kids to his pit bull. I get a phone call an hour latter that the dog had tried to bite my three year old in the face. His face had a small scatch and he was very upset. I bring them home and the next day she is working. on getting. him to kill the dog. She can be very persuasive. So he agrees and she says hey I am going to let the kids stay at my gp house during. my week until the dog was dead and she was ready. I am like yessss. Not only did my wife tell me horrible things about this guy but I also heard and confjrmed that when his sister died he got over tthe loss by starting random bar fights. He himself told me that he was late for work that day and screamed obscenities at the HR person for half an hour because he got in trouble. They gave her a month paid leave. He also talked about getting in two fights when I was out with him at the bar. My wife says he was teasing her because it bothers her he used to be violent. Used to be my ass. So she calls yesterday. in the morning and says she is leaving him and I say move in here I will move out
    She says no and she is going to convince him to kill the dog. She calls two hours latter and says he will shoot it tonight but tjat I should be careful because he will be upset and he hates me. The kids are with me and I freak because my nine year old would never see me fight and not involve himself. He thinks he is tough. I take the kids to her gp and tell them to watch for her guy he might come looking for me. I get almost no sleep. The next day my ex calls and
    calls my crazy that she was just kidding and no one is in dan
    ger from him except himself since he was the one to shoot the dog three times in the head. We barely talk. I know that now the dog is dead she will move the kids in soon. She had the nerve to ask me to give up part of my easter with the kids because he missed the kids. Durring her week when the kids were staying with the gp and right after the dog attack. We agreed that he could spend one day with the kids and then build up slowly for the kids sake. My pldest keeps asking why mommy ran away and I keep reminding him that she loves him and this isn't about him. So that first week he saw the kids on four seperate days and when I asked her about that she said it wasn't my business and to stop controlling her. She keeps asking me to trust her buy how can I she lied at the end, she broke the couple coparenting rules that she came up with she didn't move our kids into her. ave like an adult and finally she can't care for herself and is desperare to tie herself to this guy any way she can. One final note about him. He just got out of a five year rationship and she had two kids when he met her. They livef together for years and now he can't. see the kids at all... How van this crap be healthy. Is she putting her needs before our kids needs? Help!

  2. #2
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    Re: Should I file for full custody of my two childern

    Sorry about the spelling and mistakes. Please ask any questions you have. Thank you for reading rhks I know it is long..

  3. #3
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    Re: Should I file for full custody of my two childern

    Quote Originally Posted by needadvice View Post
    Sorry about the spelling and mistakes. Please ask any questions you have. Thank you for reading rhks I know it is long..
    Welcome to Lifesupporters, needadvice.

    The only thing I can say at this point is to see a lawyer and explain your situation.
    Please keep coming back and let us know how you are doing.
    Someone else will probably have more thoughts and advice for you soon.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  4. #4
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    Re: Should I file for full custody of my two childern

    I have seen two lawyers and both think I have a very strong case ( Or so they say) but in pa when custody complant is filed the kids stay with their primere care giver till the court decides the issue. So I couldn't see my children unless she lets me and I have no say over the their care. The lawyer said to let her do her crazy midlife crisis thing and she will just look worse, but I don't. think that will work now after all the stupidity

  5. #5
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    Re: Should I file for full custody of my two childern

    If what you say is true about the dog, I would also file a report with the relevant authorities for an act of animal cruelty. If this idiot is taking care of his issues this way, who is to say that he does not apply similar measures to problems with humans?? Not exactly behavior of anyone you'd want to be within a 500 mile radius of a kid.

    Oh, and your wife could up as being shown as completely irresponsible towards living things, and that may well help your cause. After all, her statements must have contributed to the demise of that poor dog.

    As I don't know of all the legalities of law in PA, but such a thing could hardly do her reputation as primary carer good, in the eyes of the law. Not sure if that would help with your case, but it certainly would not do you any legal harm.

    As always, document everything. Make certain of your legal rights, and that you are well aware of everything you can and cannot do in such a situation, with an eye on the impending court cases. Also start protecting your assets (if necessary). Inform those who need to know - mostly family members, friends, and perhaps even the school principal that something is going on, so that IF something happens, that they are not completely caught off-guard, or that if one of the children has an issue, that whatever authority / teacher / principal is in the know that not everything is as it should be.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  6. #6
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    Re: Should I file for full custody of my two childern

    Unfortunately. the dog stuff is all true. I am not much of a dog person but wtf. My wife used to have me carry bugs out of the house because she didn't want to see them die. My therapist (shockingly enough I am getting. emer. appts.)Said I should have taken my three year old to the ER to jave it documented. I was just glad she called and had me come get them. He looked into pjtting the dog at the spca but they wanted to isolate the dog to see if it had rabbies but they decided it was too xruel to leave it isolated cor ten days and instead shot it in tje head. My wife texted me the good news shortly after the deed. I am glad she found such a safe and stable person to hp care for our slecjal needs childern ... what a mess

  7. #7
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    Re: Should I file for full custody of my two childern

    Oh yea pleassse don't post this any of this on facebook. If the administrator could make that possible I would really appreciate it.

  8. #8
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    Re: Should I file for full custody of my two childern

    They live together for years and now he can't see the kids at all..... I am glad she found such a safe and stable person to hp care for our slecjal needs childern
    I totally agree with your view that she will put his needs before the childrens needs, in all likelihood because she can't bear being alone (without a partner). I would contact social care directly. From what you have said he may already be classified as representing a risk to children, in which case they will tell her she needs to leave him in order to maintain custody. The fact that some of your kids are special needs increases the level of care over their welfare that the authorities should take. Please start talking to them now.

  9. #9
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    Re: Should I file for full custody of my two childern

    Actually with regards to the dog, if there is an electronic trail (like text messages), you could simply go to the relevant authorities to have it checked.

    Statements of children are notoriously difficult to obtain (often due to police not knowing the right interviewing techniques).

    From the sounds of it, your wife is going completely overboard with her actions, and not thinking of the repercussions, or the morality of the acts (I am not a dog person at all, but anyone who advocates and is willing to act in such a cruel manner ought to be in jail for the rest of their lives).

    This would definitely not show her in a positive light, and can be a "nice" pre-cursor to you filling for full custody of your children. And because suspicions can be raised about your wife, the legal system should be slightly pre-judiced against her, so as to not award her rights by default. Again, bear in mind I am not a lawyer, so definitely discuss it with someone who is qualified. But I'd be wary for a "wait and see" approach.

    Violence can be very damaging to children, so if you suspect that either of your kids has seen the slaughter of this dog, do see a specialist with them. Because children are not easy to interview (leading questions, answering what they think you'd want to hear etc.), do seek out a specialist first then. A specialist would also be in the know of issues surrounding custody in such difficult cases, from a human angle rather than a legal angle, so that might be a source for valuable information as well.

    Hang in there. This insanity won't last forever.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  10. #10
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    Re: Should I file for full custody of my two childern

    I thought that in PA, a spouse can file and divorce as well as win custody of children if the other spouse is co-inhabiting with another person (as man and wife.)

    There was something like 1,001 new laws that just passed this year, so I would definitely contact an attorney as soon as possible. It looks like you have a strong case for custody.

  11. #11
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    Re: Should I file for full custody of my two childern

    The childern were not with her. I am talking to my therapist on Tuesday. I was referred to him because he is supposed to be an expert about this stuff. I will also be talking to my lawyer this week. I love my wife she has many great aspects to her personalliy but she lets her codependent issues control her life and she won't see it. She just blames me. I am very scared she has told me many times to never even. try to file for full custody or she would have me killed. She knows she is vulnerable legally because she can not/will not become indelendent. If i file for full custody I must be sure I can get immediate custody of my childern. I have already pulled this guys background and he has no convictions but I found a bartender at one of the bars that he used to start fights at and she recognized him and said he used to walm in and just start fighting with whoever was closests to the door and then he would take off. I need a better picture to be sure. I have already told my work that I may have to go into hiding once I file. I think they don't appreciate the sevarity of the situation . I really don't. want to be the ass that takes the kids from their mom. She is great with them. They don't understand. and I wouldn't try to explain what is wrong with their mother. They really like her boyfriend. Both my kids have severe epilepsy and my oldest has ADHD so bad we can not medicate him to the level he needs. My oldest can be sooo frustrating and stressful how is this dude gona handle the stress. Oh yea they hung out at the park a couple times not the same as having him live with you.

  12. #12
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    Re: Should I file for full custody of my two childern

    Sorry to say this, needadvice - but just you describing your children's special needs makes your case even stronger.

    The severity of ADHD might (in some therapists eyes) be a reaction to violence or physical abuse in the home. It's a special need that has not been clear cut in the medical field as of yet and some clinical tests have shown that if a child has a stress-free home, they can actually recover almost fully.

    Epilepsy is the same way. It is set off by stress most of the time. I know you love your wife, but she sounds like she has some sort of mental instability and shouldn't have custody of her children. She may even be abusing them without your knowledge.

    If she is threatening to kill you, I'd call the Police and have a restraining order put out on her. It will only add to your case. Your children are the most important part of your marriage and the court will agree to that.

  13. #13
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    Re: Should I file for full custody of my two childern

    No no I had severe childhood epilepsy it is a hereditary. trait in my family.

  14. #14
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    Re: Should I file for full custody of my two childern

    If you need to file for full custody in order to keep your kids safe then that is the right thing to do. They are vulnerable and their needs must come first.

    There are many people in your wife's situation who themselves are vulnerable and allow themselves and their loved ones to be exploited. If she is capable of change this may be the wake up call she needs to get help so that she can have the children back in her life again. This needn't be a lifetime decision. Until then she will still be able to see them, but they shouldn't live with her until she can provide a safe place for them. For their sake, try to be kind to her. Shes still their Mom.

    As for the threat from the other guy, I would talk to a lawyer and the police before you disappear and get advice as to how to handle things. It's very unlikely that you will be given legal permission to take the kids and disappear and if you do so without permission, that may jeopardise your full custody entitlement if she makes a legal challenge. Of course you need to be sure everyone is safe, but there may be other ways to do this eg. with a change of address and someone from social care providing a place and supervision for her to see the kids away from both homes.

    It sounds like your wife was relatively stable before she got involved with this guy. If she can pull clear of his influence and rely on her family more she may be able to sort herself out and be the mother they need. Meanwhile you are everything to them so take care of you.

  15. #15
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    Re: Should I file for full custody of my two childern

    Thinking this through, there are 2 issues. One is the immediate safety of the kids and the other is their longer term future.

    If you are in a country where there is child protection law, the best thing to do is to tell them all the facts of what has happened as you have posted them here. They will act to ensure the kids do not go to that house, making alternative arrangements. If the kids are with you or grandparents now then that would probably be what they would arrange to continue. This way they take the blame from the guy too.

    Then when these arrangements are sorted you can file for full custody as the main caregiver to assure the kids longer term future.

  16. #16
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    Re: Should I file for full custody of my two childern

    Wow, thanks everybody for the good advice. My wife has been living with her boyfriend since I last posted. We have fifty fifty custody and that seems to be going ok. My wife has been suffering from some undiagnosed neurological problem. She is seeing a neurologist before the end of the month. She has been having serious issues and her mother has been staying with her when she has the kids to help out so this helps me with my concerns about her bf. I'm nit pushing the divorce since she needs her medical insurance and would not sign anyways but she has said she will not contest the divorce so that good. She keeps pushing me to let her boyfriend see the kids after she dies. She doesn't know if she will but she constantly says ahe is and her symptoms are awful. She had better not! I don't wanta be a widow. Still i don't know the last time i went to one of her appointments the doc said it was either psychological or very serious because of the symptoms and the severity. Another doc we know thinks it is psychological. Her mother is a hyperchondriac, that's probably spelled wrong.My mother in law was constantly sick and dieing but she switched meds and is doing great. My therapist keeps telling me not to concern myself with her health and treatment and to just focus on my kids. And i do! I spend all my free time with them. So much that my therapist tells me to find more adult time for myself.

  17. #17
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    Re: Should I file for full custody of my two childern

    Bear in mind you cannot live like this indefinitely though. Other than for the kids, you hardly have a meaningful relationship with your wife, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. Staying married to grant her health insurance is noble, but as bigamy tends to be illegal, it is not something you can continue into old age - chances are you will want to meet another woman to share your life with.

    People can say things without actually intending to follow through on their statements. This can also apply to her statements about not contesting the divorce. So do bear that in mind, especially if you live in a state where divorce proceedings can be rather long-drawn out.

    I am not sure what is wrong with your wife. It could be a real affliction, and it could also be a "fake" affliction. Either to get drugs, positive attention, or keeping you trapped in a marriage (as she seems to fear being alone, this marital bond may well mean a lot to her, in the sense that no matter what, she is not LEGALLY alone). It can also be a mixture of physical and psychological complaints. What is important, also for you, is that she gets her life together, and is not dependent on you for her medical coverage.

    As an outsider, it is not easy to know what to make of the 50-50 custody arrangement, especially as this "slightly unstable" boyfriend is in the picture (and even when it is not directly, indirectly he plays a massive part in your wife's life, and that WILL impact on her interactions with the children).

    What are your intended next steps, to get your life on track in a manner in which you can move forward?
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  18. #18
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    Re: Should I file for full custody of my two childern

    Her appointment is the 27 i think, but they are ggoing to fit her in if someone cancels. I can't force her to give me my divorce so i can't get her off my insurance anyways. I am currently working on dividing our finances. My lawyer recommended that the finances are my next step. I am living day ro day and my therapist says that if i get up in the morning that is a victory. I try to do lots more than that lol. I have a post in the caregivers forum about my bro and that issue consumes some of my time. I am figure that if she is legitimatly sick ahe doesn't have long. If she isn't that's just one more reason for me to go to court. smh My life sucks!

  19. #19
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    Re: Should I file for full custody of my two childern

    You just have to battle it through.

    Immediately filing for divorce is probably not the best idea, especially not if she is gravely ill (which can lead to bizarre situations, and her misdirecting energy to battle it out). Work towards disentangling yourself from your wife financially and emotionally, so that once all the preparations have been done, divorce can be smooth and swift.

    The emotional battle with yourself is the hardest. Just remind yourself that life WILL get better. It is overwhelming you know since it all comes at once, so you are probably stressed through the roof about your brother and about your wife. This won't last forever.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  20. #20
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    Re: Should I file for full custody of my two childern

    Quote Originally Posted by needadvice View Post
    No no I had severe childhood epilepsy it is a hereditary. trait in my family.
    Even still, undue stress can trigger a seizure - hereditary Epilepsy or not. It's a mystery as to what specific triggers are for each person. It's something lawyers love to deal with and twist around in the winning client's favor.

    I suppose I was correct, there is something wrong with your wife. I'd be more cautious of her than her boyfriend, really.

    May many blessings come your way as well as your brother's. Take care...


  21. #21
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    Re: Should I file for full custody of my two childern

    So the big day was today. ex was to go to the neurologist to find out why she's having difficultiesand he rescheduled for the end of October. Now wwhat? Can i use her actions in courr?

  22. #22
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    Re: Should I file for full custody of my two childern

    Not the seemingly fake illness (unless you need character assassination, but it is better left as a defense rather than an offense). Everything else, yes.

    Time to file the paperwork is fast approaching.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

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