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  1. #26
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    I stopped working when i got pregnant because i cant even get out of the bathroom.

  2. #27
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    It is understandable you feel you can't make a commitment now. It is really hard to, when you feel you are all over the place. It is hard to look forward to things, when you are constantly being reminded of the past, and how everything did not work out as you imagined it would. Right now the danger is that you get stuck in a depression, and that will make it harder on you to wrest control of your life back.

    Taking up a sport or hobby does not have to be expensive. Running, hiking or cycling (if you have a bike, and depending on where you live) can be very good for you, keep you in shape, and allow you not to think about what has happened. Even taking long walks daily can really help. Reading books, baking (if that is something you like), are two of the many options you may want to look into as well.

    I am not sure how many friends and members of your family are around, and how supportive they are, but spending time with them may also really help you. This might be financially, but also in terms of finding something useful to do, even if you are not yet emotionally ready for an 8-5 job. I would let these potential employers know that you are flattered by the offers, and that you are simply not in the position to accept them.

    You need to find something to slowly get control over your life back. Don't force yourself to have everything sorted by Monday. But set yourself small targets, which you can accomplish.

    You'll get there.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  3. #28
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    I have a lot of caring friends but they live far away and most of them are working out of the country, a lot of people are trying to reach out to me but i can't just open up cause i try to avoid gossips. From where i live, people are very conservative especially with having a baby without marriage and being separated is more than people accept. I try to preserve whats left of my dignity because ofcoures i want to meet a guy who will be the only constant thing in mu life when the time comes. It's hard for me to think positive that i can have another chance at love and family but i have to, maybe it helps to move on. About my family, there's me, my mom and my sister. Just the three of us, my mom is very responsible and loving but i know she has a hole in her heart she was separated at my age im almost 27. She had boyfriends but it didnt turn out well. I want my mom to have someone to take care of her and be with her. Family and friends are ofcoures important buy having a husband to protect and take care of you and someone you love and take care also is what really fills the void. You have someone and thats it. Yesterday a mouse got in the kitchen and the three of us are afraid of it being women and all so we asked help from the guards and i felt ashamed. We had to call a complete stranger to help us out on a household thing for the supposedly men in our lives to do, then later that night somebody's trying to break in our house and we had to call the guards and check, people around here knows that its just us three girls in the house so they always try to break in. I felt helpless again and brokedown last night, i was thinking that maybe if my dad didnt use drugs and didnt hit my mom when they were together maybe he would still be with us and noone would ever bother us and maybe if my ex was still with me and he was responsible and all he would do the same. This past new year's eve i spent the night here at my moms house and my ex at his parents house, he got so drunk that he didnt even last to the countdown so he never really got to call and greet me a happy new year i was 2 months pregnant then and then 4 am that day i woke up to a loud noise, someones trying to get in the house again, i was so terrified and called the guards again but they fell asleep so it was just us three to handle the terrifying. I tried to call my ex but obviously he was to drunk to answer my call the guards came in late so they got away again. My ex woke up and told him the story and i expected that as my boyfriend and the fact that i was pregnant and terrified that he would rush and see me his parents house is like 20mins away. But he didnt come because his sisters asked him to clean the house he came to me like about 6pm that day. Till now i dont get how someone can do that to you.

  4. #29
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    I told you guys about how im losing faith and last night was it for me, i got mad at Him. I was telling him to give me a break and why now? He knows that i have too much on my plate right now and having more security issues is not helping. Since the day my ex and i were together i started praying, everyday that can i have him i promised god that i would take care of him and always be thankful because for me having my ex is a blessing. Even at times he would treat me like nothing i would still be thankful, hey, how often do you have someone who you really love beside you right? I cherished every bit of the time we were together but he still left and my baby died. So now i am so mad. My mom always tells me that God has plans for me, better ones and that i should not be mad at him and still be thankful, i never told my mom about me being mad at God cause i know it would tear her up. She knows me too well i cant keep anything from her. If god was to save me why didnt he do it before i had to lose my child and my ex had to leave me. I mean this is too much already and having someone break in the house. I need peace

  5. #30
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    Everytime we need a man to do something we hire someone. We need not to tell each other but i know my mom and my sister feels the same way, everytime we hire someone to do my dads job is a big slap on the face and a small tear in our hearts. It makes me feel more incomplete. I thought that my ex was sent by god as a gift cause ive been longing for so long and i kept myself to be a good girl, dont get me wrong im not a dependent girlfriends my past relationships are normal and i dont really depend on men that much but when i got pregnant i thought he was it. I didnt ask much from him either i do almost all of the chores, having him is enogh for me but he just had to leave me. I just wish there'd be no more problem for the meantime. I feel really weak right now and having more stuff to be scared from that constantly reminds me of my longing is breaking me dowm.

  6. #31
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    I can understand your frustrations about life, and how the community itself may be a hindrance for you to give everything a place in your life and to move on. This is not because peoegple have ill intentions, but they may struggle to meaningfully relate to your experiences. This is not to say that others in your community did not go through the same thing (undoubtedly some have had similar experiences), but simply that the environment is not conducive to openness about these matters. And thus that you can't really expect much support from others in your community. So it seems that you will have to mostly depend on your sister and your mom in dealing with this.

    I think what might be holding you back a bit is how you feel you have little control over your life. And that having a man in it, would solve many of the problems you are facing now. Sure, men can be nice (I am one). But they don't solve all problems. Some men are just as frightened of mice or insects (the brother of my ex being one of them), or completely clueless with regards to carpentry or electricity. As you discovered yourself in your relationship with your ex, they may create new problems in your life that you have not had before. Such as his drinking issues. And the fact that you and your ex were a couple certainly did not stop potential burglars from trying to break in, as evidenced by the New Years Eve incident.

    We all have our flaws and our shortcomings. And no matter who we get involved with, with whom we associate, life won't be perfect. To some extent you will have to adapt to the struggles you face. What is holding a lot of people back is a lack of practice in doing things. Just because you have not done these things, does not mean you can't learn to do them. You have to overcome your fear to do them. There is nothing too complicated about hitting a nail in the wall, or using a screwdriver (I would avoid fiddling with electricity for the obvious reason). But doing them will give you a lot of confidence in your ability to do the basic things yourself, and that will reduce your dependency on others.
    And just as importantly, you will get some self-confidence, that you can do these things. If you can cut the need to hire others to do the basic work, you'll be saving a fair bit of money as well. Also, it may be very beneficial for your mother, since the emotional scars of your father leaving won't resurface time and again, when the three of you are able to do these things yourself.

    To get back to the example of the mice and insects. My ex was just as afraid as you were of these creatures. But having observed how I dealt with them she learned how to trap these creatures without any risk of them "attacking her". She certainly was less afraid than her brother who would be heroically cowering in the corner. Even if you end up with a guy who has no fear of these creatures, it is not exactly something he can rush home for from work.

    Things will work out, even though you're struggling to see how they will. But you will have to adapt to the challenges you are facing in your life. You have to rise to these challenges, so that you start believing you are in control of your life again, and that despite your 26 years of life you still have many good years to look forward to. Who knows what will happen in the future!

    Don't give up on yourself. Start making small steps to regain control of your life, to give the events of the past months a place as well as the fact your dad abandoned your mother when he did.

    Go for walks or runs just to get a bit out of the house and away from thinking all the time about what happened. Stop accessing social networks like Facebook to see what your ex is up to. You know that he is an immature dolt, and that is all you need to know. You can't ignore what happened completely, but you're also better off not thinking about it 24/7, because that is emotionally draining, and contributes to you losing hope and faith.

    Learn how to catch these annoying creatures, so that you don't have to call strangers to help out there, and get the confidence that you can do a lot more than you think you can. Don't let fear paralyze you, don't let shame paralyze you, and make you feel bad about yourself. Sure, there will be things you really cannot do, but those are far fewer than you probably think.

    Once you feel that you are in control of your life again, the nice thing will be that the men who really should not be in your life will select themselves out. Men like your ex contribute in a lot of harmful ways to your life, and you don't need that. And you certainly deserve much better than what he has given you in the past months.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  7. #32
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    Greeting's Anew,
    So sorry for your loss.
    Everyone has already given great advice, especially Vautrin, he also steals thoughts out of my head and has them posted before i ever can! I do want to stress time in the factor, bc in time everything heals, yes sometimes scar's are left behind but wounds do heal, all at their own speed. Sometime's in life some things are so hard to understand, it's that unknowing that is so disturbing and bothersome. Peace does come with acceptance. Another thing is have you talked to the doc's about your depression? You may be dealing with post partum along with the natural emotions? Sometimes more things are going on then we understand. Hugs to you.
    " To thy own self be true..."

  8. #33
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    Thank you so much vautrin and bridge. I have been doing good the past few days, no more social networks and i try to avoid thinking of my ex, but then yesterday a friend of mine told me that one of her common friends with my ex saw him with another girl. So obviously im in a rot right now. For sure im experiencing postpartum but i cant afford to pay for medication or a therapist right now. My friends are getting tires of listening to me to a point where they get annoyed if i open up i tried to open up to my sister but she didnt say a thing and just walked out. So i guess im pretty much alone.

  9. #34
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    That is a really mixed blessing. In some respect it is good that your friends grow tired of it - for the simple reason you'd be less inclined to speak of it, and thus not constantly relive those memories, constantly be reminded. But at the same time, you need to talk about it, to help you find a place. You can't really keep it all in forever.

    This is not "just" a postpartum depression. You lost your child. Add to that, you lost the future as you imagined it to be, and that will take some time to deal with. So ideally you would find ways to talk about it. To some extent writing can help - but the risk is that you read things over and over again, which can be really depressing.

    As I suggested before, you are probably best of talking a bit to friends about things - as well as taking control over your life, by taking small steps such as learning how to deal with mice if they ever show up in the kitchen again. Those seemingly trivial things can make a world of difference in terms of feeling in control of your life, as well as provide a bit of direction. Find ways to occupy yourself in a meaningful manner, so that you can't really think about what happened.

    Just a few minutes would not hurt anyone, but from the sounds of it, people really think you are dwelling too long on things (whether that is the events itself, or that the conversation is all about what happened).
    So it seems you will have to do things mostly on your own. Reach out to people online and in real life. I don't think your friend had bad intentions when she brought up your ex. But I would strongly suggest that you tell your friends that you don't want to hear any of that, since it will only hinder you from healing.

    Also, it is hard to see the positives when you are feeling down in the dumps. The last few days you have been doing well, and have been making some progress. Sure, it may not seem like much, but it is these little steps that are vital to get your life back. Find ways to reward yourself for this.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  10. #35
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    I can finally sleep in my room now, ever since he left me i cant even look at my bed. I'm still having a hard time sleeping but it's not the same as the first month. Am i just punishing myself trying to sleep in my room or is this a progress? And guys, can you tell me how and for how long you finally moved on? I just need some positive on my negative and down mind right now. I mean, breaking up without a child involved and some of the more serious stuff that comes with marriage is hard enough, my ex and I are not married yet but I considered him as my husband and did my part as his wife so basically i feel the same as married person would feel. It's hard when you know and its engraved in your heart and mind that the person you are with will be the last person you will love for the rest of your life.

  11. #36
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    That is quite normal. Memory is a funny thing, and because it (partly) works by association, it can be very hard to face scenes / places that meant so much to you, but due to changed circumstances have become rather hurtful.

    So don't beat yourself up about this. Nothing lasts forever, and you will overcome this.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  12. #37
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    It's important to allow yourself adequate grieving time, and that varies from person to person. Change your normal schedule and introduce new things into your daily life. Open door's, allow your mind entertain new idea's. Getting out going for some walks keeping your body active and getting fresh air would be good. Start conversation's with stranger's, meet new people. I also think keeping a journal is good. Sometime's those close to us do get stressed hearing us over and over again about the same thing lol, but it's apart of grieving, so maybe by having your journal to release your thoughts in will help to not overload your loved one's but yet you can get out what your feeling thinking. I also don't know if there is any loss support group near you, but some people do find it helpful in consoling in another who has expierenced similiar loss?

    You need to un-engrave your heart and mind! I know it's hard, i know you are scarred. You can't let this guy rob you anymore then he has. You are the owner and directer of your soul. What you thought was, is'nt. And i know that's hard to understand now but in time you will and you will be thankful for your understanding's. You deserve better then what he had to offer! There is more out there for you in life, you have to be open to go and get it.
    " To thy own self be true..."

  13. #38
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    I had a talk with my friend yesterday, she explained to me the reason why she can't bear to hear me wallowing over my ex. She said that he's not worth shedding a tear. I understood her immediately. She also told me to keep my faith and just talk to God so i went to church this morning and just sit there and talk to god again I don't know what to ask of him i know asking for my ex back would be too much cause i know it is so wrong, instead i asked for strength and gave him my heart back. He's the only one who'll take care of it. Dont get me wrong i still cry a lot and feel weak because i know i can't control whats happening to my life right now. I just have to learn to let go of the things i cant control. It is very scary but what else to do? I am very thankful i joined lifesupporters, i wouldn't be able to cope with what im dealing with right now without your sincere and really wise advice. Thank you guys for putting up with me.

  14. #39
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    Your friend is soooooooo right!!!!! He is just not worth it! I'm glad you can find comfort in your spirituality! Strength is exactly what you need!!!!!!

    One of my fav's......

    God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can... and the wisdom to know the difference!

    No need to thank us, but your very welcome! It is what we are here for! hugs!
    " To thy own self be true..."

  15. #40
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    Your friend is absolutely right. But easier said than done - sometimes the heart is a bit slow in dealing with these matters.

    It is difficult, but try to find something you can laugh about. Life is not all doom and gloom, even though you may well feel that way.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  16. #41
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    A broken heart is just the hardest thing people go through. Acceptance about losing my child and her father is up to me. Now that i've poured my heart out, i feel the end of something i'm not sure what it is but i never thought i would get tired of talking about what happened, i never thought I would get this far because of the tremendous pain on my heart. So i guess all that's left to do is cry my heart out and hope that some of the pain goes with it.

  17. #42
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    It is very hard, at times more then words can express. And when tragadies happen they are alway's unexpected, shell shocker's and it's never easy adjusting. It's a roller coaster of emotion's with it's up's and down's. Grieving is important though, you can't move forward without doing so. What would be worse for you is if you did'nt. I can imagine the pain your heart carries. Hug's from me to you.
    " To thy own self be true..."

  18. #43
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    You're right Bridgiebridge. So i guess i'll be crying a whole lot more but i'm looking forward to each time I cry because I know it will feel a tiny bit better after. I'll keep praying,"God promised to fulfill my heart" something i read that hit me.

  19. #44
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    Your doing everything right, well almost everything. You need to stop being involved in your ex"s life. Your life annd health should be your primary concern. Ask your friends not to tell you about his page and block his. The journal keeping, the support group you are finding here will get you through . I agree with what was said before you need a focus something you like that makes you feel good about yourself. You need to remember this is not your fault, it is something that happened to you and their is a big difference. You never know what you arre capable of till you have no choice. You got this everything else life can throw at you!

  20. #45
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    You are right Need, when you get in a situation where there's nowhere to go but go head on with the problem, you cope. Letting go of the things you have no control of is easier said than done. Being human makes you wonder why or if this should be happening at all. I hate the waking up part, the moment you open your eyes and know that whatever you do, this day will still be painful. It does get better everyday because you get used to it, and we know that everything that's happening be good or bad is a lesson. It makes you a little stronger but really, everytime your heart breaks or you lose someone so dear to you, you can never learn to hurt less than before.

  21. #46
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    Yep, i agree the waking up part is the toughest.

  22. #47
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    Thinking of you, ansfm, and wondering how you are doing?
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  23. #48
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    I've caught up on all posts now and there is wonderful advice here from Vautrin, Bridgie, Star, and Need, for you, ansfm Please post here on how you doing now so all could see how you are doing. Believe it or not, other members and guests are reading your story and your progress will help them, too.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  24. #49
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    I'm sorry for not posting here on my thread, i guess i was just worried that people might get tired of reading how slow i'm coping. My friends and family got tired of listening to me being so down after months of crying, so i try to avoid talking about what i'm feeling, well i try to avoid my friends atleast until i get better. I've been in and out of the hospital lately due to stress, my blood pressure was going yoyo though i eat healthy and exercise. I'm ashamed to admit to you guys that all the while i've been doing novenas for my ex ti come back, but he didn't. So i'm back to zero again. I just got confused and more lonely because i detached myself from the people around me so i came up with the terrible idea of wishing him back. Thank you luba for reaching out to me and bringing me back on track.

  25. #50
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    Re: I have been abandoned during my darkest hours

    You just have to accept that the road to recovery is not without the occasional setback. Whatever you do, don't chastise yourself to become completely passive and void of initiative to get over this. Things will get better.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

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