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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    2

    Exclamation Dating someone who's mother is not ready to cut the strings.

    My boyfriend and I are in our upper 20ís and have both been previously married now divorced and have been dating for almost a year. I have started living there about over half the week and spend the other few days with my mother. Both my boyfriend and his mom have voiced that I should move in permanently with him; I would but I am still tying up loose ends unfortunately with my previous marriage and my motherís place is closer in town where I can do so. Hereís the real problem, his mother loves to spend her husbandís money and buy us things we donít ask for, need, or want most times. I have learned to accept some things graciously but other things she has bought I would never use and would go to waste because I plan on buying something somewhat similar but with more options or functions in the future. We both tell her how much we appreciate everything she does but there are some things she needs to take back and this upsets her because what works for her should work for us is her mind set. She also until six months ago has been doing his laundry, cleaning his place, and even going as far as treating his place like an extension of her own home and wanting and decorating it to her likings. When I started to stay over for more than just the weekend he and I would clean the place ourselves which is never dirty just a little cluttered from time to time and I laundry. I cook for him and help out with groceries and we discuss what we want to do with the place in respect of what to put on the walls and what not. We still would spend time with his parents but maybe not half the week because I have trouble eating most restaurant foods. Several months ago I found out that anything that has been processed or loaded with certain preservatives and sugars have been the culprit of why I was so sickly. I cut out half the restaurant foods that I have found have killed me and started cooking a lot more which I like and have been healthy ever since. I have told him mom of my problem and she seemed sympathetic and says she understands except she still pushes to go out to eat most of the time and when they have a cook out thereís only one side dish I can eat without getting ill and that is the grilled vegetables, the potato salad, tuna pasta salad, and even the taco salad all has stuff in it that I can only eat very little of but she puts too much of that stuff in making it toxic to me. If she were to make the desserts I would also be able to partake in that too but sadly it is all store bought and I have made it clear it doesnít agree with me as well as maybe a box cake actually does. After spending half our weekend with them including Friday most times we do want to have Ďourí time and she still crashes when she knows we are eating dinner. He has told her donít come over when she has gotten us stuff we will be by there to pick it up tomorrow and she still comes over and normally interrupts dinner and the beginning of what couples like to do behind closed doors. She has taken great offense to all of this and has voiced to him many times that he is still her baby boy and that maybe I could be keeping him from his family. I donít think she understands that he has a girlfriend and that he is a grown man and what all that entails.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    The Cloud of Unknowing
    Posts
    17,246

    Re: Dating someone who's mother is not ready to cut the stri

    What was his first marriage like, in terms of mother-in-law hassles? Was it something similar? That may provide you a valuable clue in dealing with this. If it is a persistent pattern, it may be fixable, but it is your boyfriend who has to do the fixing. It would end up in a disaster if you tried to do so.

    Nothing much you can do, other than telling your boyfriend to lay down the law. Not sure what your father-in-law makes of this. He might be someone who can meaningfully limit your mother-in-law from being so over-involved. But again, it is better if he starts pulling his wife away after a father-son talk, because otherwise all the drama will be because of a rift between you and your mother-in-law, and that is definitely a lose-lose proposition.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    2

    Re: Dating someone who's mother is not ready to cut the stri

    From what all I can gather she butted in just as much as she is doing now. Wanting to come over and clean because it wasn't up to her standards, decorating the place, and dropping by whenever she wanted. He and his ex didn't really like it that she did any of these things. Not that he would mind if she came over every once in awhile and was able to sit without criticizing and doing things as if it were her home, he pays rent without any of his parents help too. I have heard him try to talk to her in many different ways to ask her to chill out so to speak letting her know he appreciates everything she does but she needs to stop and start respecting people's' wishes to then being pushed and snapping at her. She doesn't get it.
    So when you say that his father needs to be more involved with this I agree and thank you. It's excellent advice and may help curve some of it before it gets to certain boiling points. I can't imagine it being any easier for him since he lives with her but then he did marry her for over 40 years and should know how he can distract her. I don't think he has thought of asking for some support from his father but I can't see it being too much of a problem. Thank you again for the advice! I want to resolve things instead of them getting worse and my boyfriend later not wanting to have anything to do with his mom and his dad via extension.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    The Cloud of Unknowing
    Posts
    17,246

    Re: Dating someone who's mother is not ready to cut the stri

    Hope that does the trick. His father must have lived quite some time with his wife, so he probably knows exactly what buttons to push to ensure he is not driven insane.

    Let us know how it works out .
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

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