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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2013

    Should l tell him about miscarriages

    Husband and l have been together for 8 years. In the last 2 years we have left england and moved to australia. We have had a very stressful time with lots of jobs changes, 4 house/state moves and him having a bad back which is now preventing from working in his chosen career. During this time l only had 1 chance to get a job, during a 5 month stay in one place, but unfortunately l have 2 short term miscarriages. I didn't tell him as he already had enough stress and really didnt need anymore.
    Now he is blaming me for. Money worries and accusing me of sponging off him. When in fact l was not very well. Should l tell him or will it just sound like an excuse. Was l was in the first place not to tell him. He has gone back to England to see his father who manipulates him and who hates me and the feeling is mutual ( he did say our wedding was the worst he has ever been to and also that he wondered why anyone would ever want to marry me, and accused me of being a prositute plus more). What am l to do? Advice please.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    The Cloud of Unknowing

    Re: Should l tell him about miscarriages


    Welcome to the forums.

    You're in a rough situation. I am not sure what drove the two of you to immigrate to Australia. But that is probably the main stress. Different countries come with different challenges. And no matter what we believe, there is no paradise on earth. It takes time to adapt - and moving around the country does not help with that. If anything, it shows a possible lack of preparation. A bit of stability is vital to help immigrants adjust to their new country.

    I am not sure what your husband does professionally, but from your post it seems as if he thought that he could make an easy living. Not sure why your husband would have to change his job that often. Is he in all kinds of short-term jobs? Or is he having difficulty keeping his job, through his own behaviour, or inflated expectations? That is his responsibility.

    It also sounded as if the two of you did not really plan on the need for a second income for the family. Else you probably would have had more opportunities to land a job yourself. A scarcity of jobs you're qualified for is something that could have been foreseen - whether it is because of location or your own qualifications. Which leads me back to the first point: a possible lack of preparation.

    At the moment it does not seem your husband is in a state in which he can be persuaded reasonably. Hence bringing up the miscarriages may well come across as excuses to him. Or even worse, something you made up to deflect blame. In this toxic situation, bringing it up now, may backfire on you, and I don't think you need that at this moment.

    Even in a better case scenario, the miscarriages you suffered may be an explanation (to him), but I think it would look away from the bigger picture. It is perfectly possible that he will still keep blaming you for many of his (and both of yours) poorer decisions.

    I would not bring the miscarriages up, until there is a bit more stability in the situation and your marriage.

    The best thing you can do is to analyze how you got into Australia, and how you ended up where you are: revisit the decision processes, including the important one that made him leave for England. It seems very odd that the two of you are now 13000 miles away from each other.

    Do you want to fight for your marriage? This requires you to give up on your immigration dream, fly back to England, and see what can be salvaged. There are no guarantees for a happy outcome, and it may well end up in a similar vein to staying in Australia. You may have a better social support network available in England though (friends, family), and that may well help you to get your life back on track.

    I don't see how you can remain in this marriage and stay in Australia.

    Do you want to stay in Australia? This would require you to move to a city in which you have good chances of being employed so you can make a living for yourself. Bear in mind that you would not lead a glamorous life, and may struggle to make a modest living.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

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