Being the other woman.

[Ayla]

Yes, I know. I'm a mess. I have got to have the absolute WORST choices when it comes to dating in recorded history.

Here it is: I am involved with someone who is in a long term relationship with someone else.

They aren't married, or even engaged. They have been together for 4 years and have been living together for the past year though. I don't know her, and other than a couple of photos I have seen of her on Facebook I know nothing of her. I would like to say that I didn't know about her before I became involved with him, but I did. I know, this makes me a bad person.

Leading up to actually getting involved with him, I kept telling him no. He finally convinced me to have lunch with him, just as a friend. He said he was unhappy and lonely, and just wanted someone to talk to. Of course, that lunch didn't end as us just being friends. After we ate we went to the lake and walked around the nature trail. We held hands, we laughed, we talked, and we kissed.

I knew before I went that it would be more than lunch as friends. My stomach was in knots for days before it happened. Yet, I still went. What does that say about me? What's worse, is even though I felt very bad beforehand and felt guilt for something that had not even happened after I was there with him that all went away.

The only thing I feel guilty or bad about now, is that I don't feel guilty. Am I such a bad person that I don't feel guilt for being with a man who is not my own?

When I am with him, it feels so natural. There is never any awkwardness. Never any uncomfortable silences. I've been on dates with other men since my divorce, and 99% of them I am just waiting on it to end. With him, I don't want it to end. We don't speak of her, or the circumstances. We take steps to ensure she doesn't find out, but that is the extent of the discussion regarding his relationship. It's as if when we are together we pretend the world outside of that room doesn't exist.

We have been seeing each other once a week for the past month, and we iMessage constantly. Last week, we finally decided to take it to a sexual level and that is what has led me here. I need to tell someone! I need to vent. For obvious reasons, nobody in my life knows I am seeing him. I've been on both sides of the fence before. I have cheated on my S/O and my S/O has cheated on me. It sucks having someone you love cheating on you with someone else. Sucks is an understatement. It's devastating, it destroys your trust in others, and makes you feel inadequate.

I just don't seem to care what it could be doing to the other woman in his life.


I'm sorry this post is all over the place. LOL

[TKDLady]

All I can say is I've been there, done that, doing that as well. I don't think we are bad. I think the relationship between the person you care about and their S/O isn't what is should be and while he really should break it off with her before he continues with you sometimes things just happen. There is a part of me that would like to have waited until it was over between him and her but it didn't turn out that way. I think everything happens for a reason. You just need to wait and see what that turns out to be. I am sending you hugs because I know what you are going through.

[Ayla]

Thank you TKDLady, it's a comfort knowing someone else understands what this is like!

I am going to be patient, and see where this goes. I'm not going to pressure him to leave her, because I feel that is something he needs to decide upon. If it happens, I wouldn't want him to resent me for that in the future should things go sour. For now, I'm just going to enjoy this. That's actually how he finally got me to go to lunch with him. He kept saying "You just never know where you and I could go. We could be something great."

[TKDLady]

Thank you TKDLady, it's a comfort knowing someone else understands what this is like!

I am going to be patient, and see where this goes. I'm not going to pressure him to leave her, because I feel that is something he needs to decide upon. If it happens, I wouldn't want him to resent me for that in the future should things go sour. For now, I'm just going to enjoy this. That's actually how he finally got me to go to lunch with him. He kept saying "You just never know where you and I could go. We could be something great."

Exactly how I feel. Hang in there. People come and go in our lives and they all teach us something. And you never know what the future holds. It will be how it should be.

[BridgieBridge]

Welcome Ayla!

Great post! Very honest! I can understand what you may be feeling, going through. I'm not sure i have any advice, Love is crazy! It's unpredictable, but thing's do happen for reason's for whatever they are, and what is meant to be will be.....

[Luba]

The only thing I feel guilty or bad about now, is that I don't feel guilty. Am I such a bad person that I don't feel guilt for being with a man who is not my own?

Ayla, I don't have any advice to give you because I believe that it is up to you and the man you are seeing. You aren't a bad person at all; in fact, you are very honest and upfront with how you are feeling.


If you both are having a good time, and other important things are working out, then it seems you want to see it through wherever it goes. Wishing you the very best, Ayla!

[Ayla]

If I'm honest with myself, I know this won't end well for me. I'll end up hurt and angry. I just don't want to walk away yet.

[BridgieBridge]

Your likely to be right. It would be one thing if you both stumbled upon love, but for him to keep both thing's going, he want's his cake & eat it too! Also if he has yet to figure out something inside himself, he's just abusing both of you. Also if he was willing to turn on her he can turn on you. Unfortunately the trust is broken straight from the get up. I could be completely wrong but that is how i see it. It's a matter of time before it goes one way or another.

[Luba]

If I'm honest with myself, I know this won't end well for me. I'll end up hurt and angry. I just don't want to walk away yet.

Ayla, to me, your statements are very telling. I look at some things so differently now than I have before. Even though you feel you will end up hurt and angry, something in this relationship is keeping you there. Maybe, if it does end, instead of being angry, you will learn something about yourself from it, something incredibly priceless that will cause more growth, more wisdom, more strength within yourself.
By turning it around for myself that way, I find I am actually more grateful for having gone through a difficult experience and become stronger, wiser, more caring.

It's just a different way of looking at things that life gives us.

[Ayla]

Your likely to be right. It would be one thing if you both stumbled upon love, but for him to keep both thing's going, he want's his cake & eat it too! Also if he has yet to figure out something inside himself, he's just abusing both of you. Also if he was willing to turn on her he can turn on you. Unfortunately the trust is broken straight from the get up. I could be completely wrong but that is how i see it. It's a matter of time before it goes one way or another.

I've thought about that, about the trust being gone right off the bat. I adore him, and I adore my time with him, but he's still leaving me and going home to another woman. He's still waking up beside another woman every day. As of yet, he hasn't said a single word about making plans to leave her. I know that I'm probably just a distraction from his reality and I'm not sure how I should feel about that.

Even though you feel you will end up hurt and angry, something in this relationship is keeping you there. Maybe, if it does end, instead of being angry, you will learn something about yourself from it, something incredibly priceless that will cause more growth, more wisdom, more strength within yourself.

That's a wonderful way to look at it, Luba. I'm going to try to find out what has led me to stay in this situation. It isn't for attention, as there are a couple other fella's I have been talking to as well. There is just something about him and about how I feel when I'm with him. Regardless of how this ends I am going to learn from it.

[Ayla]

I mentioned this in another thread, but I want to update this one as well.

The past two weeks the attached guy has been making less of an effort to see me. Doesn't text as much. You know the routine. He got the cookie he wanted, so to speak, and he was done. Except, he wants to continue to text and keep me on the side for when he wants another cookie.

So, basically, he was using me. Which I knew. I suppose I foolishly thought it could be more. That he felt more. Nope, apparently the fun in it for him was the chase and once he made the conquest the adventure was gone. I see things for what they are, and I'm not angry at him or even bitter about it. I knew what it was before it happened. And, I suppose I knew it would play out like this eventually.

So Friday night I went out with a wonderfully sweet guy. He's 10 years older than I am but we mesh so well. At least, so far. We seem to have a lot of the same values and views. He's a really nice guy, and I'm excited to see where things may go with him.

Mr. Attached got upset that I went out Friday night. I haven't heard from him all weekend. And, you know what? I'm okay with that. I'm glad actually. I plan on letting him know tomorrow that I'm not interested in being his sideline anymore.

[BridgieBridge]

This is really great, I'm happy for you! Standing strong, knowing what you want, taking action! You go girl! Any plan's to see the other guy anytime soon? You will have to keep us posted!

[Ayla]

Thanks!!

We didn't make any plans for the second date yet, but he was going to be gone riding his motorcycle with some friends this weekend so I haven't spoke with him yet. He doesn't have a cell phone. (Who doesn't have a cell phone in 2013!?!?) I'm not worried though, because we usually talk after 9pm anyway.

I'll keep you updated!!

[Vautrin]

(Who doesn't have a cell phone in 2013!?!?)

I don't. It saves me from a lot of unnecessary distraction. I'd recommend it to everyone. Especially for people who need to have clarity with regards to who they are speaking to, what plans they have etc..

[Ayla]

I'm afraid I cannot do without my iPhone. I just cannot. I love having a world of knowledge in my hand. Plus, I'm kind of addicted to it. It's like my drug of choice.

[Luba]

Wishing you the BEST, Ayla! Hope to hear when a second date happens and that it goes well; you deserve to be happy!

[Ayla]

It's not looking so good for a second date. He just up and stopped talking to me. No explanation. No "I'm not interested anymore". Nothing. We are still friends on Facebook and I occasionally see him online in the chat list but he doesn't attempt any communication. I sent him a message and he never responded so I certainly am not sending him another.

[Vautrin]

He might be afraid that Woman #1 figured out something was amiss. Or has been caught (willingly or not). So quite possible he is laying low, and deliberately not responding as it would mean a lot of trouble for him.

[BridgieBridge]

It's not looking so good for a second date. He just up and stopped talking to me. No explanation. No "I'm not interested anymore". Nothing. We are still friends on Facebook and I occasionally see him online in the chat list but he doesn't attempt any communication. I sent him a message and he never responded so I certainly am not sending him another.

Aw boo! Men!....... lol. I agree, i would not send another.Tis what it is.... and again i do believe thing's happen for reason's..... maybe he was just your stepping stone, to step off from the other guy, for something better await's your future!!!!!!! That's the way i see it! Plenty of fish in the sea though, so just keep swimming along!

[Ayla]

He might be afraid that Woman #1 figured out something was amiss. Or has been caught (willingly or not). So quite possible he is laying low, and deliberately not responding as it would mean a lot of trouble for him.

The guy I was cheating with texts me more than ever since I told him I wasn't going to do that anymore. I ignore them and don't reply, though. He'll eventually get the idea and stop.

[Ayla]

It's not looking so good for a second date. He just up and stopped talking to me. No explanation. No "I'm not interested anymore". Nothing. We are still friends on Facebook and I occasionally see him online in the chat list but he doesn't attempt any communication. I sent him a message and he never responded so I certainly am not sending him another.

Aw boo! Men!....... lol. I agree, i would not send another.Tis what it is.... and again i do believe thing's happen for reason's..... maybe he was just your stepping stone, to step off from the other guy, for something better await's your future!!!!!!! That's the way i see it! Plenty of fish in the sea though, so just keep swimming along!

It's funny you say that Bridgie! I was mad last night and in a FU frame of mine and thought that same phrase to myself. So, I googled the phrase "plenty of fish in the sea" and apparently there is a dating website by just such a name! I'm apprehensive about online dating, because frankly I read the news too much. Anyway I joined and if nothing else it was an ego boost! LOL

Things do happen for a reason. That guy is a douche. Not because he's not interested in me anymore but because he doesn't have the balls to say so. So, to hell with him.

[BridgieBridge]

It's funny you say that Bridgie! I was mad last night and in a FU frame of mine and thought that same phrase to myself. So, I googled the phrase "plenty of fish in the sea" and apparently there is a dating website by just such a name! I'm apprehensive about online dating, because frankly I read the news too much. Anyway I joined and if nothing else it was an ego boost! LOL

Oh look, see!!!! What do ya know a dating website! I don't think it hurt's to check it out!?!

Things do happen for a reason. That guy is a douche. Not because he's not interested in me anymore but because he doesn't have the balls to say so. So, to hell with him.

Exactly!!!!!!

[Vautrin]

Actually I met my current gf on an online dating site as well. Not POF, though.

I have to ask: have you run into this douche's profile on there?

[Ayla]

Actually I met my current gf on an online dating site as well. Not POF, though.

I have to ask: have you run into this douche's profile on there?

No, I haven't. Though I'd not be surprised if I were to come upon it.

[BridgieBridge]

Have you come across anything interesting there?