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  1. #1
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    Dating stinks. FACT.

    It's so confusing.

    I forgot how to play the games. How to read the signals. What the rules are. Plus, the rules have all changed now, so the ones I did know have become irrelevant.

    Example:

    Last weekend I went out with Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome. We had a great dinner. Wonderful chemistry. The conversation was non stop. No awkward pauses. It was great. After dinner neither of us was ready for the date to end so we sat in my car, because it was uber cold outside, to discuss options. Well I live in the middle of nowhere and there was nothing else to do without driving an hour. Anyway one thing leads to another and we end up making out. For like two hours. Then despite my better judgement when he asked to come home with me I let him. And he ended up staying the night.

    When he left here, I had no doubt I'd see him again. He told me he wanted to see me again. Talked about "our DVD list" of movies we need to watch together. That he would make sure to plan better for the next date. He was so sweet and affectionate. Looked into my eyes and promised me this wasn't going to be a one hit wonder. He kept lingering saying he didn't want to leave me.

    Since he left, he has texted me some. Daily, actually. Every morning I get a hello how are you text and some short texts here and there but by evening he stops responding. He's supposed to "try" to call me this weekend. i won't be seeing him as this is his weekend with his daughter.

    He works a lot. 15-16 hours a day with 3 hour drive time. He literally has 6-7 hours a day at home to eat sleep and shower. He also works 6 days a week but he gets off earlier on Saturdays. So, I think the limited contact is from the fact that he has a busy manual labor job that also takes a lot of concentration (he's a blasting engineer). However a friend of mine says he's just a hit it and quit it kind of guy and is maintaining limited contact until I stop talking to him because he doesn't want me to get my feathers in a ruffle.

    I don't feel that he's that way though. He told me up front after dinner that he liked me and wants to see me again but that he doesn't have a lot of time and that he doesn't want me getting mad if he can't text or call a lot during the week. So, to me he was setting expectations. My friend, who is a guy, says he was setting the stage for a proper excuse to not call. But, when Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome said this he didn't know that he was going to score a homerun. I didn't either.

    I've never done this whole sleep with a guy on the first date thing before. I am of course second guessing it and am nervous about the outcome. I like this guy and would like to see him again but I'm not sure whats going to happen.

    So, yeah. Dating stinks.
    STOP MOUNTAIN TOP REMOVAL

  2. #2
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    Just because someone says something does not mean they believe it. In fact, a lot of interpersonal communication is based on deceit. The difficulty is that we are often struggling to pick up on the cues that signal honesty and lies.

    A man cannot say that he slept with 100s of women on a first date (as it tends not to go down too well with the ladies), so he'll present himself in a more socially acceptable manner. However, that does not mean he buys his own presentation for one second.

    In fact a lot of people learn how to deceive to make it appear that they are better than who / what they really are. Reassurances mean nothing (if you ever spent time listening to insurance agents / mortgage providers you know what I am talking about). In fact, reassurances may only lead to misplaced trust when it is not warranted. Add to that, that humans tend to be quite bad at gauging whether a stranger is speaking the truth or lying, and you can see why dating can be such a pain in the proverbial areas. The tendency to overestimate one's skills (which most people do suffer from) does not help either.

    It takes time to figure out when a person speaks the truth and when a person lies, or is creative with the truth.

    Where did you meet this guy? Online? IRL? Through friends / family? Different ways of meeting people require probably different standards before you can reliably say where a person stands on the big issues. If you meet someone through friends / family, they are "pre-vetted" in some ways, because you have the opportunity to discuss this person with others, and putting on a fake persona is not as much of a risk this manner.

    Online you can claim to be anyone. Online you can claim your beliefs are anything. The proof however is in the pudding, i.e. real life interactions, real life expressions of these beliefs and convictions.

    Try not to worry about a thing. It is not under your control, and no amount of worrying is going to make him place that call.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  3. #3
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    I met him online. I'm not big on the online dating scene but I live in a very rural area and I don't go to church and I don't go to bars and that's about all there is around here. In college I'm surrounded by 20 somethings and I have no desire to date a younger man.

    We are from the same general rural area which encompasses quiet a span of places, but it turns out we know a lot of the same people. I actually went to high school and was a volleyball team mate with his ex wife. Her parents were two of my favorite teachers in high school and my brother and her father are good friends. We didn't know this at first, of course. And if we had met before, which is probable since he met her at a volleyball game, I don't remember he nor him me. Before we went on the first date he asked if he could call so we could work out arrangements better that way. We ended up talking for over 5 hours that night and for 3 the next night, and the following night was our date.

    I know that it is entirely possible that he was just saying what I wanted to hear in order to get me to take him home. I knew that when it was happening. I took a chance. I may have shot myself in the foot with that chance. I know that most of the time men do not see women who have sex with them on the first date as someone they could date long term.

    And yet, I still hope. I'm afraid I'm quiet smitten with this fellow. I know it is simple infatuation at this point, but isn't that what more grows from?
    Last edited by Ayla; 11-16-2013 at 11:38 AM. Reason: corrected spelling
    STOP MOUNTAIN TOP REMOVAL

  4. #4
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ayla View Post
    It's so confusing.

    I forgot how to play the games. How to read the signals. What the rules are. Plus, the rules have all changed now, so the ones I did know have become irrelevant.
    Good Morning Ayla, I've been thinking a lot about our post since I've read it when I visited here last. Get ready, I'm going to try to make you feel better in what I've learned to be true.


    Last weekend I went out with Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome. We had a great dinner. Wonderful chemistry. The conversation was non stop. No awkward pauses. It was great. After dinner neither of us was ready for the date to end so we sat in my car, because it was uber cold outside, to discuss options. Well I live in the middle of nowhere and there was nothing else to do without driving an hour. Anyway one thing leads to another and we end up making out. For like two hours. Then despite my better judgement when he asked to come home with me I let him. And he ended up staying the night.

    When he left here, I had no doubt I'd see him again. He told me he wanted to see me again. Talked about "our DVD list" of movies we need to watch together. That he would make sure to plan better for the next date. He was so sweet and affectionate. Looked into my eyes and promised me this wasn't going to be a one hit wonder. He kept lingering saying he didn't want to leave me.

    Since he left, he has texted me some. Daily, actually.

    He works a lot. 15-16 hours a day with 3 hour drive time. He literally has 6-7 hours a day at home to eat sleep and shower. He also works 6 days a week but he gets off earlier on Saturdays. So, I think the limited contact is from the fact that he has a busy manual labor job that also takes a lot of concentration (he's a blasting engineer).
    Everything you say above in the quote sounds really, really good and wonderful to me! You two really clicked and had a wonderful evening, that alone is something to be celebrated IMHO!

    However a friend of mine says he's just a hit it and quit it kind of guy and is maintaining limited contact until I stop talking to him because he doesn't want me to get my feathers in a ruffle.
    Here is where I strongly disagree! How can your friend possibly know that this will happen to you? It may, it may not; fact is: one can't judge everyone the same way. As much as your friend may love you and not want you to get hurt, the thing is the wonderful evening you had has now been coloured by negativity and maybe your own friend's hurt in love in the past.

    I don't feel that he's that way though. He told me up front after dinner that he liked me and wants to see me again but that he doesn't have a lot of time and that he doesn't want me getting mad if he can't text or call a lot during the week. So, to me he was setting expectations. My friend, who is a guy, says he was setting the stage for a proper excuse to not call. But, when Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome said this he didn't know that he was going to score a homerun. I didn't either.
    There is that friend again taking away from your beautiful evening and making you second guess yourself! Sometimes when we love our friends so much we want to see they don't get hurt, so we throw in some of our own past experiences of pain and shovel it on to someone else.

    Actually, I was so smitten by your wonderful evening with Tall, Dark, and Handsome that I would just bask in the glow of that! Everything put aside, it WAS a wonderful evening and why should that be taken away from you by anyone? Life is SO precious and when we do have wonderful and glorious things happen, someone, with good intentions maybe, pops the balloon.

    Now whether Tall, Dark and Handsome calls or not, it WAS a Wonderful evening for you both! He obviously has gone through his own pain if he has a daugher, there must have been a relationship that didn't work for him resulting in him being more careful in what relationship he gets into next! Maybe he's also wondering that the evening was ruled by quick emotions; fact is, they were there and felt right at the time.

    I've never done this whole sleep with a guy on the first date thing before. I am of course second guessing it and am nervous about the outcome. I like this guy and would like to see him again but I'm not sure whats going to happen.

    So, yeah. Dating stinks.
    Ayla, what I SO admire about you is your honesty! You say it like it is and that's so rare nowadays.

    Second guessing about a perfect evening is going to ruin what happens next, or doesn't. Whichever way it goes, I read from your posts that you are a strong and wise woman, as well as honest, too!

    How about texting him what a great time you had and that maybe ask him out to dinner? Just honest conversation about how you feel and what a great time you had. Let it flow like it did on that first night. It doesn't have to be more than a dinner and conversation, seeing what transpires. At the very least, if nothing romantic happens to move into a relationship, you both may end up being great friends! How awesome is that? It's a known fact that the best relationships start with good and solid friendships!

    Best wishes to you, Ayla, I'm in your corner!
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  5. #5
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ayla View Post
    I know that it is entirely possible that he was just saying what I wanted to hear in order to get me to take him home. I knew that when it was happening. I took a chance. I may have shot myself in the foot with that chance. I know that most of the time men do not see women who have sex with them on the first date as someone they could date long term.
    Which is why it is useful to not do so on the first date, especially with someone you met through online dating. You don't really know where someone stands on these issues, and now you do have to deal with the uncertainty of not knowing where you stand.

    My gf and I also met online. But we spoke quite a bit, by exchanging dozens of emails before we even met up. By that time of course, you should have a much clearer idea of where you stand with each other, and as a result avoid such tricky situations. Now, because you are worried a bit, there is a fair chance that the two of you will push the other away and pull the other towards you. This can be emotionally very confusing.

    For a woman taking your time has also the added bonus that it helps weeding out the one-night wonders.

    And yet, I still hope. I'm afraid I'm quiet smitten with this fellow. I know it is simple infatuation at this point, but isn't that what more grows from?
    Just be aware that some men have perfected the art of keeping you interested, and then distancing themselves from you again. You might end up in a situation in which you do all the running and the guy gets whatever he wants. Bear this in mind.

    From what you describe it does not really sound like this was a hit-and-run, but that his schedule keeps him rather occupied. What is also possible, since etiquette seems to have changed recently, that this guy is dating 3 or 4 different women, and simply weighing his options. In which case he'll get back to you if you are the most promising option. It sucks to be in that position.

    I agree with Luba, that there is no reason to be pessimistic. It is just not in your control, and that means you just have to wait and see what happens. Maybe the best thing is to simply place a call / send a text, and then just forget about it. No amount of worrying about it will change a thing.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  6. #6
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    First off, thank you so much Luba and Vautrin for taking the time to post replies. My friends are obviously biased out of concern to me so I appreciate the feedback here so much!

    Second, HE CALLED! Yesterday afternoon I was at a furniture store with my mom and my daughter and he called unexpectedly. I hadn't heard from him since around noon the day before and so I definitely was not expecting a call. He was driving with his daughter and on his way to his nephew's birthday party but said he wanted to call to hear my voice and let me know he hadn't forgotten about me. We only talked for 8 minutes but it made my entire day. However we didn't discuss when we would go out again or even when we would talk again so of course tonight I'm stressing over it again.

    However, that being said I'm still not feeling as pessimistic as I was when I originally posted. I think if he doesn't call me by 9pm tonight, I'm going to call him. We are both from the era of when if you liked someone you just called, so I think not texting him first would be okay. Better to do it tonight, when I know he's been off work all day than to try to speak with him during the 6-7 hours he's home during work nights.
    STOP MOUNTAIN TOP REMOVAL

  7. #7
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ayla View Post
    First off, thank you so much Luba and Vautrin for taking the time to post replies. My friends are obviously biased out of concern to me so I appreciate the feedback here so much!

    Second, HE CALLED! Yesterday afternoon I was at a furniture store with my mom and my daughter and he called unexpectedly. I hadn't heard from him since around noon the day before and so I definitely was not expecting a call. He was driving with his daughter and on his way to his nephew's birthday party but said he wanted to call to hear my voice and let me know he hadn't forgotten about me. We only talked for 8 minutes but it made my entire day. However we didn't discuss when we would go out again or even when we would talk again so of course tonight I'm stressing over it again.

    However, that being said I'm still not feeling as pessimistic as I was when I originally posted. I think if he doesn't call me by 9pm tonight, I'm going to call him. We are both from the era of when if you liked someone you just called, so I think not texting him first would be okay. Better to do it tonight, when I know he's been off work all day than to try to speak with him during the 6-7 hours he's home during work nights.


    ^^^^^
    That about covers MY reply!
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  8. #8
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    Well.

    I called him a few minutes before 9 and he answered the phone. He was at his moms trying to get her computer fixed or connected to the web or something a long those lines. I heard her in the background and he was asking her questions so that really was what he was doing. He said that IF he got a chance he'd call me back later. He stressed that IF part a lot. And, you guessed it. He didn't call. It's nearly 11:30pm and I know he's probably asleep by now.

    So, I'm not reaching out again. He has my number. He knows where I live. If he's into me and wants to see me again he'll make it happen. If he doesn't? Well I'll just add that to the list of life experiences and keep on doing what I'm doing. I'm in college full time, I'm starting a new part time job this week, I have my daughter to raise and my home to maintain. Plus, my ex husband is starting some crap with our visitation. He has decided he wants joint custody which I am not having. He's not a good father and he's not a good person. So, I have plenty to occupy my mind. I won't lie and say I'm not bummed but it is what it is.
    STOP MOUNTAIN TOP REMOVAL

  9. #9
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    Ayla, no matter what happens with this new man, it's solid the way you are handling it! You have a lot of positives going on except for your ex and maybe sadness about this new man, but you ARE handling it in the only way possible, IMHO! Losing sleep over someone else just isn't worth it. He may call and explain, or not. Reading your thread I believe you will be okay no matter what! I add further: IF THIS NEW MAN DOESN'T COME THROUGH, IT'S HIS LOSS!!!!!

    from Luba
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  10. #10
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    Hey Ayla!!! My apologies for my delay in posting! As Luba mentioned earlier i as well really appreciate your honesty! Dating can stink!!!!! My god how many different rules are there, generally there is one set, but if you don't lead by them then it's another set and so forth! It can make your head spin! I think though the best advice i have for dating is though, not to rush, to relax, enjoy whatever for what it is, and try not to overthink. Now i know all i just wrote can be hard to do! But it truly is in our best interest! Not only do you have to find someone compatible but they also need to be on the same date wave length as the seeker or else it can be trouble. Example some people want to date just to date, not seriously, for fun, while another is looking for marriage, but everyone is all mixed together so the sorting can be tricky. First though in order to get what you really want, you have to know what it is exactly. Or else you might just get yourself mixed up in the shuffle. I feel like in the end what's meant to be will be despite how we feel about it, this life is a lesson! So if you truly do like him i hope he is just busy and continue's to keep in touch, but if he does'nt as Luba said it is def his loss!!!!!! In the meantime you should keep your option's open, maybe try another date to help you figure out exactly what your looking for. However sometime's i think what we are looking for come's when we least expect it! That's why i find it important to be relaxed!
    " To thy own self be true..."

  11. #11
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    Bridgie nailed it. We live in a culture of instant gratification, and hence the natural tendency is to consider major life altering decisions in the same light. Getting married, finding someone special, move across the country are such things. And in most cases, making a rash decision based on the moment, is not to be recommended.

    One problem with Online Dating is that it fosters this "I want it now!" attitude. If someone is not responding, you can pursue someone else instead at the very same instant.

    I may add that it took me nearly 5 months of online dating before I found my gf. Or rather, my gf found me (she had a blank profile, so needless to say she was the one to initiate contact). I certainly did not spend hours upon hours weeding through all the women, and tried to chat to whoever was a designated match. Most of these people were not that compatible on reading their life stories, biographies etc.. I just simply put my profile up, and only occasionally check if there was someone interesting around. It was not like there were thousands of people on there. I figured, single life should not revolve around dating.

    I know it works quite different for women. But nonetheless, I do think that it may help you find an approach that really works for you. Preferably without having to go through all the self-doubts and uncertainties, so that you can really have a good time, and find someone who is right for you.

    I am sorry that this guy seems so wishy-washy.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  12. #12
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    Quote Originally Posted by Luba View Post
    Ayla, no matter what happens with this new man, it's solid the way you are handling it! You have a lot of positives going on except for your ex and maybe sadness about this new man, but you ARE handling it in the only way possible, IMHO! Losing sleep over someone else just isn't worth it. He may call and explain, or not. Reading your thread I believe you will be okay no matter what! I add further: IF THIS NEW MAN DOESN'T COME THROUGH, IT'S HIS LOSS!!!!!

    from Luba
    Thank you so much, Luba! If anyone else were in my shoes saying to me what I'm saying I would think them ridiculous and tell them to accept it and move on. The heart is fickle though, isn't it?

    Quote Originally Posted by BridgieBridge View Post
    Hey Ayla!!! My apologies for my delay in posting! As Luba mentioned earlier i as well really appreciate your honesty! Dating can stink!!!!! My god how many different rules are there, generally there is one set, but if you don't lead by them then it's another set and so forth! It can make your head spin! I think though the best advice i have for dating is though, not to rush, to relax, enjoy whatever for what it is, and try not to overthink. Now i know all i just wrote can be hard to do! But it truly is in our best interest! Not only do you have to find someone compatible but they also need to be on the same date wave length as the seeker or else it can be trouble. Example some people want to date just to date, not seriously, for fun, while another is looking for marriage, but everyone is all mixed together so the sorting can be tricky. First though in order to get what you really want, you have to know what it is exactly. Or else you might just get yourself mixed up in the shuffle. I feel like in the end what's meant to be will be despite how we feel about it, this life is a lesson! So if you truly do like him i hope he is just busy and continue's to keep in touch, but if he does'nt as Luba said it is def his loss!!!!!! In the meantime you should keep your option's open, maybe try another date to help you figure out exactly what your looking for. However sometime's i think what we are looking for come's when we least expect it! That's why i find it important to be relaxed!
    Thank you, Bridgie! I have been talking to another guy that I met the same day as Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome and he's asked me out but I keep finding reasons to delay. He just feels like a consolation prize at this point. Like on a gameshow when you don't win the new car but you get a year's supply of Prell shampoo instead! I know how bad that sounds. He's a perfectly nice guy, even if he looks a bit like a leprechaun. Not that he's ugly, its just how he has his facial hair and he's stocky built. He has a full beard but no mustache. He has great work ethic, is a volunteer fireman, and dresses up in costumes and visits the nursing homes to cheer up the elderly. I'm probably crazy for not wanting to jump on the chance to go out with him, but at this point I just don't feel like seeing anyone else. Not until I know for sure that things are totally hopeless with Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vautrin View Post
    Bridgie nailed it. We live in a culture of instant gratification, and hence the natural tendency is to consider major life altering decisions in the same light. Getting married, finding someone special, move across the country are such things. And in most cases, making a rash decision based on the moment, is not to be recommended.

    One problem with Online Dating is that it fosters this "I want it now!" attitude. If someone is not responding, you can pursue someone else instead at the very same instant.

    I may add that it took me nearly 5 months of online dating before I found my gf. Or rather, my gf found me (she had a blank profile, so needless to say she was the one to initiate contact). I certainly did not spend hours upon hours weeding through all the women, and tried to chat to whoever was a designated match. Most of these people were not that compatible on reading their life stories, biographies etc.. I just simply put my profile up, and only occasionally check if there was someone interesting around. It was not like there were thousands of people on there. I figured, single life should not revolve around dating.

    I know it works quite different for women. But nonetheless, I do think that it may help you find an approach that really works for you. Preferably without having to go through all the self-doubts and uncertainties, so that you can really have a good time, and find someone who is right for you.

    I am sorry that this guy seems so wishy-washy.
    Thank you Vautrin! I have been looking at profiles online for around 3 months now and just recently added pictures and unhid my profile. This guy is the second one I've met off that site. I tend to be impetuous, so I try to keep that in mind when I go on these dates. There was just something about Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome. We clicked and I felt like I had known him for years. Yes, it's entirely possible it was all an act and he's just one of those kind of guys who are marking a few notches on the bed post with online dating.

    Single life shouldn't revolve around dating, I totally agree with you. My life hardly does, thankfully. I am just having the hardest time connecting this awesome guy that I went out with and who kissed me breathless and who seemed as wrapped up in me as I was in him, with this cold fish response I'm getting now.

    I haven't heard from him at all, text or otherwise, since yesterday morning. I wish I didn't care and I wish I didn't let my heart lead so often.
    STOP MOUNTAIN TOP REMOVAL

  13. #13
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ayla View Post
    I have been talking to another guy that I met the same day as Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome and he's asked me out but I keep finding reasons to delay. He just feels like a consolation prize at this point. Like on a gameshow when you don't win the new car but you get a year's supply of Prell shampoo instead! I know how bad that sounds. He's a perfectly nice guy, even if he looks a bit like a leprechaun. Not that he's ugly, its just how he has his facial hair and he's stocky built. He has a full beard but no mustache. He has great work ethic, is a volunteer fireman, and dresses up in costumes and visits the nursing homes to cheer up the elderly. I'm probably crazy for not wanting to jump on the chance to go out with him, but at this point I just don't feel like seeing anyone else. Not until I know for sure that things are totally hopeless with Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome.
    It is not fair to yourself to keep waiting, on something that might never materialize. Especially since you might end up getting a single call each week, thus prolonging your misery with Mr. TDH. Or rather misery with yourself, since Mr. TDH never really commits to anything but himself. Not saying that he is to blame for that, but the realities of his schedule may simply make more impossible.

    With feelings it always gets confusing, but how long has it been that TDH has followed through in a meaningful manner? And also ask yourself, if things worked out between you and TDH, how much you'd be getting in terms of quality communication, quality time together. Don't expect his life to magically transform, and that everything that currently occupies him magically disappears.

    Maybe you should bite the bullet. You can't keep sitting still when the whole world moves about. Meet with this new guy. It does not hurt, and it is not like you'd have to get married within 3 months of meeting him. Make it something light-hearted, like grabbing a cup of coffee at some place (I'd avoid food dates at first, and definitely avoid the dinner dates until you really know him well). Coffee dates don't require much time, and if it is a disaster, you can leave without losing face.

    Obviously at this point, you're not yet ready to make a big emotional investment in someone other than TDH. But, seeing this new guy may actually help you to realize what you are truly missing with TDH.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  14. #14
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vautrin View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Ayla View Post
    I have been talking to another guy that I met the same day as Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome and he's asked me out but I keep finding reasons to delay. He just feels like a consolation prize at this point. Like on a gameshow when you don't win the new car but you get a year's supply of Prell shampoo instead! I know how bad that sounds. He's a perfectly nice guy, even if he looks a bit like a leprechaun. Not that he's ugly, its just how he has his facial hair and he's stocky built. He has a full beard but no mustache. He has great work ethic, is a volunteer fireman, and dresses up in costumes and visits the nursing homes to cheer up the elderly. I'm probably crazy for not wanting to jump on the chance to go out with him, but at this point I just don't feel like seeing anyone else. Not until I know for sure that things are totally hopeless with Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome.
    It is not fair to yourself to keep waiting, on something that might never materialize. Especially since you might end up getting a single call each week, thus prolonging your misery with Mr. TDH. Or rather misery with yourself, since Mr. TDH never really commits to anything but himself. Not saying that he is to blame for that, but the realities of his schedule may simply make more impossible.

    With feelings it always gets confusing, but how long has it been that TDH has followed through in a meaningful manner? And also ask yourself, if things worked out between you and TDH, how much you'd be getting in terms of quality communication, quality time together. Don't expect his life to magically transform, and that everything that currently occupies him magically disappears.

    Maybe you should bite the bullet. You can't keep sitting still when the whole world moves about. Meet with this new guy. It does not hurt, and it is not like you'd have to get married within 3 months of meeting him. Make it something light-hearted, like grabbing a cup of coffee at some place (I'd avoid food dates at first, and definitely avoid the dinner dates until you really know him well). Coffee dates don't require much time, and if it is a disaster, you can leave without losing face.

    Obviously at this point, you're not yet ready to make a big emotional investment in someone other than TDH. But, seeing this new guy may actually help you to realize what you are truly missing with TDH.
    I agree with Vautrin.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  15. #15
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    I agree, dating stinks. It's a superficial revolving door. It's painful and heartless, especially when you just want to cuddle under the covers with someone and watch Movies.

    We all want what we can't have and when we do get what we think we want, we're not satisfied. Constant doubt of, did this really happen? Am I dreaming? The nagging of wondering if he's "the one." Then, it doesn't even stop there. LTRs are not easy either.

    Chris Rock said, "Single and lonely... Married and bored... There's no in between." Truer words have never been spoken.

    By the way, your guy friend you went to for dating advice, sounds like he is jealous and probably wants to be more than friends. Just what I see from where I'm sitting. If I were you, I'd take everything he says with a grain of salt.

    Mr. TDH, although he may have real feelings for you, sounds like he has a full plate for a life. He may seem distant, because whatever he's working on in his life is way more important than any possible mate he may want. He just looks heartless, but he most definitely is not.

    Personally, I'm looking for someone that only has me in his best interest, I'm really tired of sharing people with previous relationships - including their family. (Sorry, but there are some overbearing Mother's and Sister's out there that need to bite the bullet and let their baby's go. Most of that stuff right there is just jealousy.)

    Don't be fooled, ex-wives are just as bad when there is children involved. They will run that man ragged trying to come up with excuses to take up all of their time. It's jealousy as well.

    At the end of my rant, what I think is, Mr. TDH is a great guy. The question is, are you willing to share him with his extremely full life? It would mean that you will be sitting by the phone mostly, at least for now. Afterwards, he may barely have time to eat dinner with you at home. It will be a "complication" in your LTR for sure.

    Good luck, you're a sweet girl and I hope you find what you're looking for.
    Last edited by IvyRose; 11-24-2013 at 12:03 PM.


  16. #16
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    With feelings it always gets confusing, but how long has it been that TDH has followed through in a meaningful manner? And also ask yourself, if things worked out between you and TDH, how much you'd be getting in terms of quality communication, quality time together. Don't expect his life to magically transform, and that everything that currently occupies him magically disappears.
    I read this right after you posted a reply, but I needed to chew on this a bit. I think that as long as the time we spent together was meaningful, and I had some form of communication with him through out the time we were apart, I would be okay with his hours. I don't have a lot of time to devote to someone either, but nothing like his time restrictions. However, how I think I will react and how I would actually handle it could be two different things.

    Maybe you should bite the bullet. You can't keep sitting still when the whole world moves about. Meet with this new guy. It does not hurt, and it is not like you'd have to get married within 3 months of meeting him. Make it something light-hearted, like grabbing a cup of coffee at some place (I'd avoid food dates at first, and definitely avoid the dinner dates until you really know him well). Coffee dates don't require much time, and if it is a disaster, you can leave without losing face.
    So, totally planned on taking this advice. Come to discover that the other guy isn't divorced. Only separated from his wife of 19 years. Which, wouldn't particularly be a problem except I asked him if there was a chance they would reconcile and he said that yes there is a small chance of it. I'm not dealing with that kind of drama. So, that fella is out. I went back to the dating site and everyone just looked like fake tools. So, I think I'm just going to take a break for a while.

    By the way, your guy friend you went to for dating advice, sounds like he is jealous and probably wants to be more than friends. Just what I see from where I'm sitting. If I were you, I'd take everything he says with a grain of salt.
    You know, I've wondered this myself. He seems to be going out of his way to be overly negative of everything TDH says or does. He's made it his goal to make me question every action. I know we want the best for our friends, but this kind of negativity is unwarranted from a friend. So, I have stopped even bringing TDH up when talking to him. When he asks about how things are with the TDH situation I just say I'm not in the mood to talk about it.
    Mr. TDH, although he may have real feelings for you, sounds like he has a full plate for a life. He may seem distant, because whatever he's working on in his life is way more important than any possible mate he may want. He just looks heartless, but he most definitely is not.

    At the end of my rant, what I think is, Mr. TDH is a great guy. The question is, are you willing to share him with his extremely full life? It would mean that you will be sitting by the phone mostly, at least for now. Afterwards, he may barely have time to eat dinner with you at home. It will be a "complication" in your LTR for sure.
    I think he is, at his core, a good guy. I don't think he's intentionally pulling my strings along. I was hoping to see him this weekend, as he doesn't have his daughter, but he texted me Friday night and told me he was on a hunting trip with his brothers and nephews. I was disappointed, but I know how hard he works and was honestly glad he was taking a bit of a break.

    Also on Friday night, I get on the dating site. Just out of boredom. Anyway it shows that TDH is online and that he had changed his profile picture. I felt like I had been kicked in the chest. I felt that was confirmation he wasn't interested anymore. So, I sent him a message on the site and told him if he wasn't interested that he should say so as we are both adults. He didn't respond. An hour and a half later it still shows him online so I send him a text and ask him why he isn't replying to me on the site.

    He said he wasn't online, that it shows him online anytime his wifi is connected and that his main profile picture is set up to automatically change ever so often. Heasked what I had said. So, I told him. He asked what brought this on, if it was because he was on a hunting trip. So I told him no that it wasn't that he was on a trip that I was glad he was taking a break. I told him that his lack of communication led me to believe he was no longer interested and seeing his profile change seemed to have confirmed that. What he said was that he very much enjoyed my company but that he has very little time and he had warned me of that before anything had happened. Before he had even kissed me the first time. He apologized for the poor communication and said he would try harder.

    No contact since then. I sent him a message tonight and asked if he would have 10-15 minutes free tonight as I'd love to talk to him and he never responded. So, I don't know at this point. He says one thing but actions say another. I know he's busy, but he had time to find me on POF and message me enough to get my number, text me and ask me out, and call me for several hours prior to the date... so some part of me thinks that he could make a little more effort.

    So, I'm taking a step back. I'm making a serious effort not to contact him. If he wants to talk to me or see me he will make it happen. If not, then it is out of my control.

    I just wish I didn't fall so fast.
    Good luck, you're a sweet girl and I hope you find what you're looking for.
    Thank you.
    STOP MOUNTAIN TOP REMOVAL

  17. #17
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    Quick update:

    He texted me yesterday morning and said he was sorry he couldn't call the night before because he got in so late but said he would try to call that night. No other contact all day. 9pm comes. No call. 10pm comes. No call. So I gave up and was about to climb in bed and he called!

    I was elated! But I tried to act cool. LOL I did thank him for calling, I'm not rude. Lol Anyway he explained again that he's super busy and that this time of the year is even worse for him because work wants even more done before the end of the year and he and his family raise and sell cattle and this is when they do a lot of the business for that. However, he said that he hopes in a couple of weeks, when he doesn't have his daughter, that he can get his brother to do the fencing for him so that he can come see me. So, maybe he didn't use me and was sincere with the things he said when we were together. He sounded so tired last night, I felt so bad for him. I just wanted to give him a big hug thru the phone.
    STOP MOUNTAIN TOP REMOVAL

  18. #18
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    Greeting's Ayla!

    Man, i have been slacking with this thread! There were several times i stopped in but could'nt stay long so did'nt post, and then the other night i took some time and wrote a few paragraph's then my sister and her kids showed up and then my computer crashed! So it's just not been working out for me to say all i wanted to!!!!!! I don't know if it's a good or bad thing..... bc what i do want to say, goes against what you may feel, and i don't want to be a debbie downer but yet i do care for you, and would like to see the very best for you and sometime's i just can't help being honest even though i know sometime's truth's are hurtful! ( How do ya like that sentance? lol, i can ramble on every direction and in person i talk really fast sometimes! ) I do want to tell you that my gut feeling's here in this situation are just not good. I could be completely wrong and have no idea what i am talking about, but maybe i'm not? I feel like your gut instinct's are right, your first thought's are the truth's, but yet your emotional involved so your mind does the twisting and the turning, and you do like him, so you want for the best and are open on taking his word. Me i'm not emotionaly invested with this guy but only your best interest, so i am not willing to overlook what i see. As far as your friend e may or may not like you but i feel a real friend should have your back and tell you the truth whether you want to hear it or not, that's what friend's are for. I'm not gonna watch one of my friend's walking around with a blinfold on about walk slam into a wall or pole, no no i'm gonna yell out, hey go left or go right! I have certainly learned along the way, people can say all they want but their action's really do say it all. It is also soo hard in the beginning with people to know or trust the process, it's impolite really to question people, but you must, ya know? I feel like being you took it personal from the get it is personal, and you are showing you are interested and i feel if he was then he should show it back. This isn't like you don't know, ya know? I feel like whatever this guy is saying/doing, and despite what you said, i don't feel he has the time to give you that you deserve or... that he truly want's to. It really does'nt take long at all to send a quick text, or make a quick call, simply stating i'm busy but thinking of you! Rather then leave a person wondering, i mean heck you can do that quicker then you brush your teeth! Kinda like think about it from your way if you were him, not that men think anything like us lol, but yet the heart does but would you even if you were busy knew you were interested begining something with someone knowing they want to speak with you and have tried calling/text would you not make the effort to let them know more how you feel where you stand? I mean now yes he is calling saying again how busy he is but i feel like he is bc he's worried now... starting to think you might not be thinking of him and might wonder astray, sometime's men want what they can't have, they like the challenge. It's unfortunate but i've seen it, i swear. I'm sorry if i'm over stepping my bounderies i just felt i had to tell you i'm not buying what he is selling! Again i want nothing but the very best for you!!!!!! Sincerely!
    " To thy own self be true..."

  19. #19
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    Ayla, I do hope something works out for you soon. I've done that online first date coffee thing a few times, it's ok for breaking the ice to get back into dating again, but it may take quite a few frogs before you ever get a prince.

    One time I really go my hopes hopes up, we met near the lake, talked for hours, watched a magical sunset. I could see his enthusiasm, a lift in in his step and he said he would definitely be back in touch to arrange a date. Tick tick, tumble weed, crickets for quite a while. Never online, so I knew he wasn't still looking elsewhere. So I called him to say I had been led to expect a call, for our date, and he said he had second thoughts about even dating again at all. He wasn't ready. It did seem sincere, his online profile was taken down. Very dissapointing, but at least he didn't string me along, with dunnos or maybes.

    In this situation, it wouldn't have mattered if we made-out or not. I think when people are lonely and they reach out online or elsewhere, they are not always ready to follow through. I just think it would have been harder for me if we had got physical, so glad I didn't.

    Sounds like he is just not ready, for lots of reasons. Doesn't mean he didn't think you were great, he's just not ready to follow through.

    Sometimes I think the elation from a nice encounter, physical or otherwise, is that both parties feel great, hope is restored, loneliness ameliorated, the hope for a relationship is a possibility.

    We just need to find someone who is ready, and look after ourselves while we do that.

  20. #20
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    As always, wonderful advice from the wonderful folks here. Bridgie, I loved your rant! I could practically hear you gushing to say all you wanted to say. LOL Marigold, welcome!! And, thank you.

    Sometimes, we have to run smack into a wall and break our nose before we learn a lesson. I'm still not sure why Mr. TDH's deal is, and he's still attempting to string me along but I'm over it.

    I took some great advice and went out with someone else a few days ago. Thursday night, actually. Nothing over the top. We met for dinner, had great conversation and when dinner was over we hugged and he said he'd like to see me again and we went our separate ways. He's been in contact nearly every day since then and has already set up the second date... which is this Wednesday.

    He asked me to plan it, which I found unusual for some reason, but I'm game. We are going to a restaurant he mentioned liking and then I thought we would grab some hot chocolate from starbucks and go to the park and walk around and look at the christmas lights. I thought it would be just romantic enough without being over the top. OPINIONS??

    Also, after the date with Mr. Tall Pale and Handsome on Thursday night I get a text from TDH saying he wants to see me again blah blah blah. At this point I'm still interested enough to agree. We arrange that he was going to come to my place on Saturday evening and I was going to cook and we'd watch a movie. (The weather was bad so I chose to stay in.) Anyway, two hours before he is supposed to come he texts that he is going to have to work really super late and can't make it and asks for a raincheck. I don't personally buy it but okay. Out of curiosity of his reaction I send a friends request on facebook. He ignores it. He added other new people, but not me. So what is he hiding? Why is he trying to string me along? I must be the plan B, when nobody else is available he thinks I am going to sit around twiddling my thumbs and wait on his call. So, anyway, at this point I'm so over the whole TDH thing it's not even funny. He texted me tonight for a few minutes and I replied but short and civil. I'm just, done.

    I'm excited about Wednesday. Mr. Tall Pale and Handsome doesn't make me swoon yet but we had great conversation and I am attracted to him so maybe finding someone and letting things grow is what's best right now. Certainly has to be better then instant butterflies leading to bad choices, right? lol
    STOP MOUNTAIN TOP REMOVAL

  21. #21
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ayla View Post
    Certainly has to be better then instant butterflies leading to bad choices, right? lol
    I read a study about "Butterflies" in the stomach. It's actually about fear of judgment or fear of being rejected. This is usually brought on by an extreme physical attraction. (Primal: Body Scent and Body Vibrations.)

    You two must've been really hot for each other. Good news is, the more intense physical attractions are, the quicker they fizzle out. You may have ended up hating each other if things had worked out the way you wanted. Better to leave on a good note. Sounds like you dodged a bullet there. Hopefully over time, this primal instinct will dissipate and you two can become friends instead. (Leaving the door open for possibly more later.)

    Give this new guy a chance. It may have not been an instant physical attraction, but that is not really a bad thing at all. Good luck!


  22. #22
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    Ayla, I think it's very good that you aren't wasting your time waiting for the guy! I admire the fact that you are moving ahead and having fun! I think you are stronger than you think and I admire that!
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  23. #23
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    You two must've been really hot for each other. Good news is, the more intense physical attractions are, the quicker they fizzle out. You may have ended up hating each other if things had worked out the way you wanted. Better to leave on a good note. Sounds like you dodged a bullet there. Hopefully over time, this primal instinct will dissipate and you two can become friends instead. (Leaving the door open for possibly more later.)
    We couldn't keep our hands off each other, it was intense. But, it did fizzle quickly. I told TDH we should just be friends. Though, I didn't really mean it. I think he's full of it. He says he doesn't have any time but yet I see him on the dating site all the time. He's even updated his "headline" to some bull about nice guys not standing a chance. I literally laughed out loud to myself and sent him a message telling him he was full of it but thanked him for the laugh and wished him luck.

    Give this new guy a chance. It may have not been an instant physical attraction, but that is not really a bad thing at all. Good luck!
    Things with New Guy is progressing. It's been 3 weeks and we've had 3 dates. The most recent of which was last night. He's grown on me. He's so delightfully normal and seems the kind of dependable guy you'd want to have around long term. He's bluntly honest, which I find refreshing. I'm not overly attached yet, so I'm at the point where if it leads to something more then that's great and if not then that's okay too. I'm trying to be more reserved about developing feelings too soon with dating.

    Ayla, I think it's very good that you aren't wasting your time waiting for the guy! I admire the fact that you are moving ahead and having fun! I think you are stronger than you think and I admire that!
    Thank you! I'm learning every single day that I'm stronger than I think I am.
    STOP MOUNTAIN TOP REMOVAL

  24. #24
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    Things with New Guy is progressing. It's been 3 weeks and we've had 3 dates. The most recent of which was last night. He's grown on me. He's so delightfully normal and seems the kind of dependable guy you'd want to have around long term. He's bluntly honest, which I find refreshing. I'm not overly attached yet, so I'm at the point where if it leads to something more then that's great and if not then that's okay too. I'm trying to be more reserved about developing feelings too soon with dating.
    Sometimes the best relationships start slowly. Wishing you the best, Ayla, with lots of fun, laughter, and all that positive stuff!
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  25. #25
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    Re: Dating stinks. FACT.

    Sounds promising . Let's hope it woks out.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

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