Hi Guys,

This time two years ago I was a married man. I had my wife, son and step daughter all of which I loved very much and was very happy. All of a sudden my life just turned upside down. I was living in a country where I had not a single friend or relative outside of my household. Everyone I knew in that country were under the same roof as me so when things starting going wrong they really started going wrong. When the arguments started with my wife they got that bad that she would kick me out off the house and I would leave because I hated what the kids were seeing day in day out. At the time it was -30 degrees out, dark and full of snow. There were times I would rome the streets for hours trying to figure out where I could go or who could help me before eventually getting a call to go back home. I tried everything in my power to change the situation and make things better but they just wouldnt. I was going through a culture shock of my own due to the country being the complete opposite of my own and having nobody around (friends or family) to lean on in my time of need. This hell of a situation went on for months and the only thing keeping me in the country was the kids. My ex wife's mother would be at our house every day from morning to night. She would try and take control of everything in the house from cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, shop runs and eventually trying to become a therapist in our marriage. I couldnt understand hardly anything she said. The language barrier prevented conversation with anyone other than my wife and kids although near enough everyone in the country spoke English but were just to insecure to use it. Eventually the arguments came more and more until the final straw when I confronted my wife. After a huge row and being kicked out I went back with an ultimatum that she choose for me to stay and be her husband or that her mum leaves and starts to act like a normal mum who would call and come around on occasions and not like it was her place of work. To my surprise she chose her mother. I had to leave and return to London meaning that I would miss the growth of my first born who was only six months and the bond I had worked so hard to get with my step daughter down the drain. In the past two years I have spent thousands of pounds going back and forth making sure that I was still a part of the kids life, making sure they knew who I am and that no matter what I would always be around just not permanently. I tried arranging so that I would move back for good and so that I could see the kids more regular but because of the lack of money I have and the fact I need to be near fluent in their language to get even a cleaning job meant that my situation was not gonna change any time soon.

Now the situation has got even worse because my ex wife has now gone off the grid. I would often facetime with my kids to see how they are and keep up appearances but now she just doesnt reply. We had a argument last week because she was complaining that her work load is too much. Now I am not an idiot, I know being a single mum is not easy by any means but what I pointed out was that she decided to not only go back to college but also get a part time job meaning that she is away for 10 hours of the day and she has left her mother who is now near 70 years old to take care of a two and half year old and a seven year old. After her mum started to get tired my ex wife pleaded with me to come back and give the marriage another try. Im not an idiot and know that she just wants that because her mum can no longer cope. I want to see my kids every day and be in their lives but not that way because it would quickly lead down the road of hell we previously went down and I wouldnt wanna put them through that.

The biggest problem I have now is that I am sinking deeper and deeper into depression. I have started gambling more than I can handle and feel that I am about to start drinking again (used to be an alcoholic but not during marriage). I need help, I need guidance. Since I had to leave my kids I have been on various antidepressants, seen shrinks and flipped off the rails a few times. I feel that my whole world had crashed around me and its just getting worse. It seems that nothing I do is helping. I work but I work to much and run myself out of steam, I exercise to the point that my body just shuts down and just have to concern about my health as it all seems pointless at this stage.

Ive mumbled on and im not sure if any of this actually makes sense or if you have any idea what I am asking from you. I think it may be that I just had to get a load of my chest as I dont really have anyone around to speak to. Maybe some of you guys have been or are in the same position and can offer some advice.

Thanks

Holloway