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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    2

    2 Years On and Still No Change.... Sorry Long Story.

    Hi Guys,

    This time two years ago I was a married man. I had my wife, son and step daughter all of which I loved very much and was very happy. All of a sudden my life just turned upside down. I was living in a country where I had not a single friend or relative outside of my household. Everyone I knew in that country were under the same roof as me so when things starting going wrong they really started going wrong. When the arguments started with my wife they got that bad that she would kick me out off the house and I would leave because I hated what the kids were seeing day in day out. At the time it was -30 degrees out, dark and full of snow. There were times I would rome the streets for hours trying to figure out where I could go or who could help me before eventually getting a call to go back home. I tried everything in my power to change the situation and make things better but they just wouldnt. I was going through a culture shock of my own due to the country being the complete opposite of my own and having nobody around (friends or family) to lean on in my time of need. This hell of a situation went on for months and the only thing keeping me in the country was the kids. My ex wife's mother would be at our house every day from morning to night. She would try and take control of everything in the house from cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, shop runs and eventually trying to become a therapist in our marriage. I couldnt understand hardly anything she said. The language barrier prevented conversation with anyone other than my wife and kids although near enough everyone in the country spoke English but were just to insecure to use it. Eventually the arguments came more and more until the final straw when I confronted my wife. After a huge row and being kicked out I went back with an ultimatum that she choose for me to stay and be her husband or that her mum leaves and starts to act like a normal mum who would call and come around on occasions and not like it was her place of work. To my surprise she chose her mother. I had to leave and return to London meaning that I would miss the growth of my first born who was only six months and the bond I had worked so hard to get with my step daughter down the drain. In the past two years I have spent thousands of pounds going back and forth making sure that I was still a part of the kids life, making sure they knew who I am and that no matter what I would always be around just not permanently. I tried arranging so that I would move back for good and so that I could see the kids more regular but because of the lack of money I have and the fact I need to be near fluent in their language to get even a cleaning job meant that my situation was not gonna change any time soon.

    Now the situation has got even worse because my ex wife has now gone off the grid. I would often facetime with my kids to see how they are and keep up appearances but now she just doesnt reply. We had a argument last week because she was complaining that her work load is too much. Now I am not an idiot, I know being a single mum is not easy by any means but what I pointed out was that she decided to not only go back to college but also get a part time job meaning that she is away for 10 hours of the day and she has left her mother who is now near 70 years old to take care of a two and half year old and a seven year old. After her mum started to get tired my ex wife pleaded with me to come back and give the marriage another try. Im not an idiot and know that she just wants that because her mum can no longer cope. I want to see my kids every day and be in their lives but not that way because it would quickly lead down the road of hell we previously went down and I wouldnt wanna put them through that.

    The biggest problem I have now is that I am sinking deeper and deeper into depression. I have started gambling more than I can handle and feel that I am about to start drinking again (used to be an alcoholic but not during marriage). I need help, I need guidance. Since I had to leave my kids I have been on various antidepressants, seen shrinks and flipped off the rails a few times. I feel that my whole world had crashed around me and its just getting worse. It seems that nothing I do is helping. I work but I work to much and run myself out of steam, I exercise to the point that my body just shuts down and just have to concern about my health as it all seems pointless at this stage.

    Ive mumbled on and im not sure if any of this actually makes sense or if you have any idea what I am asking from you. I think it may be that I just had to get a load of my chest as I dont really have anyone around to speak to. Maybe some of you guys have been or are in the same position and can offer some advice.

    Thanks

    Holloway

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    At Home
    Posts
    12,071

    Re: 2 Years On and Still No Change.... Sorry Long Story.

    Welcome to Lifesupporters hollowayd. You have come to a very caring place. I am sorry you find yourself in such an emotional situation. What do you do for a living? Is it something you could do where your wife lives? Can you take some language classes so you can live near your kids? Divorce is never easy and kids just make it all that much harder. I don't have any specific advice other than you need to be there for your kids, what ever it takes. Find a different therapist if the one you are going to isn't helping. Get your wife to at least let you talk to your kids via Skype or some other video tool if you can't be there with them. You need them and they need you. There are others here who will have some input so keep coming back. If nothing else, venting here will help some. I know it did for me when I needed it. We are here to listen regardless. Take care and know that you are not alone in your suffering. There have been many that have joined here with similar issues. Most have moved on but all left feeling better. Hang in there.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere over the rainbow!
    Posts
    26,415

    Re: 2 Years On and Still No Change.... Sorry Long Story.

    Welcome to Lifesupporters hollowayd!

    Great advice from TKDLady! I would like to add that you first take care of yourself, too.

    The biggest problem I have now is that I am sinking deeper and deeper into depression. I have started gambling more than I can handle and feel that I am about to start drinking again (used to be an alcoholic but not during marriage). I need help, I need guidance. Since I had to leave my kids I have been on various antidepressants, seen shrinks and flipped off the rails a few times. I feel that my whole world had crashed around me and its just getting worse. It seems that nothing I do is helping. I work but I work to much and run myself out of steam, I exercise to the point that my body just shuts down and just have to concern about my health as it all seems pointless at this stage.
    Your children need a father who has his life together and will lead by being a good example. While it is heartwrenching that you've had to leave your children, going down a deep decline won't help at all, it will only make things worse and harder to return on the road you need to be on, first for yourself, then your children.

    It's a New Year and a time for a fresh start which is what I believe you really want and came here with a timely message for your life. As TKDLady said, we all came here seeking help, understanding, or just someone to hear us and acknowledge us. We are here for you! Please keep returning and let us know how you are doing! It takes only one resolution to change even one thing that will make you feel better, and before you know it, other things start falling into place. One day at a time, and sometimes it's one moment at a time to get started!

    Wishing you the very best and welcome to our caring family!
    from Luba
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  4. #4
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    2

    Re: 2 Years On and Still No Change.... Sorry Long Story.

    Hi TKDLady, Thank you for your advice. My one and only goal is to be with my kids no matter what. It is just a hard thing to plan because of the lack of connections etc in a country where they really do not like foreigners. I already have studied the language and have a basic knowledge and am currently taking some courses in London to freshen it up. I try my best to keep things with my ex wife on good terms so that we can facetime which gives me a chance to see the kids on a regular basis but when she has a problem with me for whatever reason she goes quiet. I havent seen my kids in three weeks because she called me to argue and I couldnt speak because I was at work. Now she doesnt reply to any message, email or text I send her. Its very difficult to keep on good terms with her.

    Hi Luba, It indeed was good advice from TKDLady and thank you very much for your input. I know in myself I have been on a decline since the day I had to leave my kids and it has been a very difficult thing to overcome. Recently I have been seeing clearer and making new waves to make sure I am in my kids life and have started planning my move back to them. I came to this site mainly to vent. Although I have a large family I just dont feel comfortable expressing things to them. We are close but I feel that they do not quite understand just how difficult life is at the moment and because they knew of the hell I went through they are urging me to not move back and just keep up appearances on a regular basis with the kids.

    It is a new year and it is time for a fresh start. The holiday period has been a very difficult one but now I can get back to work and save as quickly as possible to get back to my little ones. Thank you both for your advice. It is appreciated very much and I wish you both a happy new year.

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