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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Posts
    3

    Wife says she is leaving

    I am at a loss of words and wish I could snap my fingers and make this situation just go away. I don't know what to do but things have been very on edge for about 8 months and I've had my fair chances but seem to not change fast enough.

    It may be to late at this point but some background information. Have been with my wife about 5 years and been married coming up on 3 years. I think the problems have maybe been there for some time and over that time I've done nothing but prove that I'm a terrible husband.

    My wife has a new group of friends that she has started hanging out with in the last year, and probably due to some anxiety issues I have and jealousy things have tumbled quickly since then. I've tried to fight the urges but can't seem to express the positive of her having friends and doing things with them. I know I am probably wrong but I don't always understand why I have to compete with friends for time with my wife. We use to do almost everything together and now well very little.

    She has told me that I come across to controlling and that I'm not her "father". I have tried hard to be more accepting of her friends but it always causes a fight when she goes out with them. For me the problem isn't trust but my anxiety in that when she goes out with them and then comes home at 3 or 4 in the morning it drives me crazy. Her friends are good people but I've asked even nicely if she could just come home early sometimes but never does even if she says she will try.

    So now after this last weekend she spent the day with her friends and when she got home was just asking how it went and what they did and it all blew up in my face. She got very upset saying I was interrogating her and that I needed to have more faith. In my mind I was really being interested in what she did and trying to show interest in her experience. Needless to say today I am finding myself in a very bad and serious situation. It is obvious I did not take or understand how unhappy she is and that I have been pushing her away to maybe for good this time.

    I want to show her there is good in me and that I can accept her being independent, and I know she has seen improvement but sometimes I go back into feeling hurt and it comes out negatively. I've asked her for patience but I guess it has run out since she hasn't said she loves me since October and says she is done with me. I can tell after this last explosion that I broke something and she is looking for a place to stay. Is it to late? I very much still love my wife and want to be able to show her and tell her and to be given an opportunity, and I've done what is probably so bad to do. I beg her to not leave and that it will be different. I'm so confused and sad and want things to be better but don't know how. She won't do counseling.

    I'm not innocent in all of this but want to know how to fix it if possible.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere over the rainbow!
    Posts
    26,406

    Re: Wife says she is leaving

    Welcome to Lifesupporters, mwgade!

    I think it's never too late to try to fix things. Though it may seem so, you should try again and again, unless she's totally done in the marriage. Marriage partners, when very hurt, do say things like that, but that doesn't mean it's truly over.

    The positive thing is that you realize your mistake in being controlling and that's something you have to search within yourself to find out why. It may have come from some pain you experienced in your past as a child, teen, or young adult. Most of the time, the answer lies there, IMHO.

    I can't say it any more gently, mw, but you have work to do to convince her that you are going to change and mean it. On a side note, sometimes people say they will, and when the partner trusts that, it goes back to the way it used to be. It's got to be honest and a work-in-progress every day.

    Maybe it will help knowing that she is going out with her friends, not meeting another man and staying out. As a woman, we do tend to enjoy being with our girlfriends for laughter and sharing, and yes, time passes because, when we are having lots of fun, we don't look at the clock to check in with our husbands. It's not that we are uncaring about how the husband feels, we just live in that moment of meeting friends and having laughs and fun, because it doesn't happen every day.

    It may be a good idea to take your wife out more on dates. If you aren't, start dating her again and reconnect with what you both loved to do before your marriage or in the early days, when you both were very happy. It doesn't take much to start that, it takes commitment and maybe even a slow start, but any start is positive, IMHO.

    I hope you keep posting as it will help others in the same situation. Feel free to look around Lifesupporters and post in old or new threads, fresh new ideas always livens things up when they got somewhat stale. Works for everything the same way in life.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Posts
    3

    Re: Wife says she is leaving

    Thank you for your response Luba. I'm not sure how this will work in the end and feel myself sometimes grasping for a straw of how something she does is still a sign of hope. Like wearing her rings still when going to work. Communication is minimal and I do get the glance of how I am not a welcome person in her presence.

    I really value your input about how going out with friends isn't a personal attack or disregard on me. Maybe if I have an opportunity I will reflect and communicate to her how I was unaware of how hanging with friends time passes so easily and that I need not take it so personal. She hasn't gone out with men and has always been just her girlfriends who I should take comfort in are also married and committed.

    I am aware of my position and how I have come across and change is slow and painful but I know its worth it if I can just keep her attention and show her. In an effort to improve myself I actually have made a session with a counselor to work on my anxiety and hopefully I can learn quickly to be more functional and less demanding.

    I will see if my wife in the next week or so will have a softening in mood and hopefully be open again to going even to just a movie. I admit her position is one I've never seen before and feels to be a little beyond just upset. I'm still very optimistic and with her timeline of leaving being a few months out maybe time will show her it can be good and wonderful and that I can change. Its an uphill battle but I feel with all my heart it is still worth it even if in the end I ultimately can't succeed. I'm still very sad to have caused so much hurt in her life. I hate that part of me.

    I do pray and hope for a positive outcome and the ability to have personal growth that shows things can be great again.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere over the rainbow!
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    26,406

    Re: Wife says she is leaving

    I was/am inspired by your sincerity to try and fix things. I think that's really a corner turned, now it is up to you to see that she sees that.

    It may be a good idea just to ask her for a date again, like you said, a movie perhaps. I would recommend a funny movie where you both could laugh and that kind of movie always somehow eases any tension. The funnier the better, especially if you both love to laugh.

    It would be a good idea not to pressure her in any way. It seems she is really hurting, and that may take some time for her to see your true sincerity that you love her, want her in your life, and will do everything possible to make that happen.

    She sounds like a woman who loves to have fun, so how about creating some between the two of you? Ask her for suggestions as well, things she likes to do.

    Good luck and please keep posting! We would like to know how your journey towards healing your marriage is going, it will help others as well.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Posts
    3

    Re: Wife says she is leaving

    I am into changing and making the best of things. I'm not sure if a date at this time will be possible at this time, she certainly has been clear in her dislike of me. Maybe in a week or two if I feel she has softened and is open to the idea of even hanging out with me.

    I do admit I feel foolish and am asking to be hurt by trying to be open and caring and continuing to show her I care even indirectly. I mentioned that I am going to get some help and that in the next few weeks she could see some tangible and acceptable results. It is hard to tell when you are in love with someone, but her reaction was not exactly what I expected saying that there is no "us".

    I will give it a few weeks and then try to approach about having a date or doing something fun together. Though I am internally optimistic and have hope, I'm not delusional in that the hill to climb is great and may not result in the way I hope

    It is hard to not put pressure on her in wanting things to be as they were and to see that I am still a good and wonderful person to have in her life. That is where the pain exists in that I face the real potential of losing the person I don't want to be without. No words can fix the situation, only actions that show change and I don't know if she is open to seeing change as being a permanent thing. Just like many of us when we see some hope and an opening and feel comfortable we get into some old habits. That's why I am scared to no end of where this might end.

    I still love her even with the emotional and physical distance between us if only there is enough time to show her.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    27

    Re: Wife says she is leaving

    Sorry you went thru this! Hope this is resolved for you! I am going thru this right now. It hurts but you have to find a way to keep living.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    1,571

    Re: Wife says she is leaving

    Quote Originally Posted by sincedayone View Post
    Sorry you went thru this! Hope this is resolved for you! I am going thru this right now. It hurts but you have to find a way to keep living.
    Hi sincedayone

    It is never easy when a relationship ends as none of us go into one thinking that one day it will finish. I hope that life is treating you well

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Posts
    12

    Re: Wife says she is leaving

    How are things now? i hope you figure a way to fix thing, any advice?

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