Results 1 to 8 of 8
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2015
    Posts
    3

    Left out because I am the youngest?

    Ok so I need an outsiders perspective on this please.

    Just to give you an idea of growing up, my parents split up when we were young but we are in touch with both parents. I am 28 and the younger sibling of a straight A student who has grew up in his shadow always being compared to him. I didn't do as well at school and have struggled to get where I am now, in a good job, safe relationship and have a nice house etc. I am very involved with my family and am usually the one to organise things.

    So the reason I ask for help is I attended a family gathering at my mums last week which was initially organised by myself, when I spoke to my mum I offered to bring pasta, a bowl of salad and anything else to add to the bbq food. I was told no they already had plenty stuff so don't bother, no problem I thought. Well 2 days after that my mum mentioned that my brother and his partner would be bringing pasta, salad and a few other things for us, although I was a bit taken aback as this was after I had offered I didn't say anything about it. At the end of the conversation I asked 'so do you want me to do or bring anything at all?' in a sarcastic voice but my mum didn't even notice and just said 'no just bring yourself'. Fair enough I thought.

    A couple days before the bbq I asked mum if she wanted help setting stuff up or help preparing food the night before, again I was told no it was fine and everything was in hand, only to find out my brother and his partner were going to set up a gazebo and to speak about the food & drink they were bringing.

    On the day I ended up bringing 4 burgers and a bottle of spirits but these weren't touched at all. I tried to help with everything but my only 'task' was to take food (handed to me by mum, her partner, my brother and his partner) from the house to the garden table, that was it. I tried to help make up a frozen cocktail but was shouted out the kitchen and told there was too many cooks.

    I constantly feel like a 2 year old running about getting under everyone's feet instead of being treated like the adult that was responsible for getting all these people together for a fun time. It was my idea, my planning and I left feeling like everyone had a fun time without me.

    Is this normal for the youngest to feel like this?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    1,589

    Re: Left out because I am the youngest?

    Hi Ceelo

    Firstly, Welcome to Lifesupporters.

    I believe it is absolutely normal to feel the way you did over the situation. It really does not matter that you are the 'youngest' as I've known the same feelings and I'm the 'eldest' in my lot .

    My comments will not take away how you feel about this last gathering but maybe it could help you when attending the next even if it is not you who is organising it.

    Mum's sometimes, inadvertently and without malice, set siblings against each other by lack of communication.

    You mentioned she said
    I was told no they already had plenty stuff so don't bother
    so she could have already arranged things, wanted to spare you the hassle if she felt you were struggling at that time but more likely did not think it was an issue.

    There is a time when we have to change how we address our parents. When organising events I choose to see them as 'friends' and instead of being the child, questioning, seeking approval, I would just say "hey I'll bring ........." instead of "Shall I bring ..." - taking the control.

    I do the same with my siblings and sometimes it fails because, after all, we are siblings. However, generally it works and eases what could lead to the kind of tension you felt. I also learnt that on family gatherings, TALK TO EVERYONE then they and you know who is doing what.

    I do hope you find my comments of some help. Lifesupporters is a forum that has a wealth of helpful insights and the people on here are lovely.

    I look forward to hearing back from you.

    Rosie

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2015
    Posts
    3

    Re: Left out because I am the youngest?

    Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I did say 'right I'll make up pasta & salad' because in the past my mum would say no to save me the hassle. Maybe when my brother asked to bring stuff she said no but he was more persistent with her, maybe.

    Its just frustrating watching them all helping each other out when I get shouted out of the kitchen. They weren't even interested in the event until I rounded everyone up so it wouldn't have happened if I didn't sort it.

    I used to work in catering so its not that I am useless with food haha I just always feel like I get pushed to the side and if I put my foot down to say something about it I am mocked for doing so. I don't even want to tell my mum how I feel about all this because I know it will affect future gatherings and it will be brought up as a 'joke' saying 'ohh we better let her help so she doesn't go in a huff' because I know that's how they would react.

    I used to be the rebel of the family but in the last 7 years I have made a huge effort to stay involved with family stuff and each time I do it I leave feeling deflated and worse off than I felt before. The hardest thing is I cant tell them how I feel, I just want to carry on as if everything is ok so I don't draw attention to it and make it worse.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    1,589

    Re: Left out because I am the youngest?

    It is my pleasure to read and answer what you post.

    Maybe on the next gathering you should just sit back and enjoy the event and let everyone else do the work Sometimes it's quite good to give you a different perspective and it's amazing what you learn what you just watch & listen.

    We all seek approval but there comes a time when we just need to accept 'this is how it is'. Accepting it and moving on is healthier than persistantly trying to gather approval when it will only be you that feels the hurt!

    You said yourself you've turned your life around and you should be extremely proud of yourself for doing that. I commend you as that is one heck of a challenge.

    I'll be interested to see what others have to share with you.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere over the rainbow!
    Posts
    26,558

    Re: Left out because I am the youngest?

    Welcome to Lifesupporters, ceelo!

    I read you posts this morning and have just now been able to return with a comment. I ab-so-lu-te-ly agree with all that Rosie said and I just have a bit more to add. I don't know why, but it seems that everyone has problems with immediate family or extended family, any family at all. We're always trying to measure up, get approval, or especially to be respected which just doesn't come easily from family.

    When it causes real hurt, continually thinking about a particular family problem, trying to get something out of them that just doesn't come, then I believe we are overthinking and causing ourselves needless suffering. When that happens, it's time to take steps back and maybe not see them for a time or contact them in any way until some peace starts to come.

    We can't change family but we can change ourselves and how much we are willing to suffer for them.

    I also want to add, like Rosie did, how well your own life is going and to be very proud of that!

    Let someone else do the inviting for a time and just step back. If someone issues an invitation, go only if you want to, and offer to bring something. If that offer isn't taken up, just go and enjoy yourself if you can. If things start to get heavy or bother you, time to leave even if you've only been there for a short time. Even not offering why you are going but just need to go but do it gently and firmly without them wondering and causing more drama. So many of us feel we need to make excuses why we need to do something, go somewhere, or not even attend. It's THEIR problem if they want to make you feel badly, you can just walk away with your head held high and a smile on your face. That will take practice but it can be done, and you will be proud of yourself in the end.

    If you get the cold shoulder later, it's not on you but how they choose to react or act towards you! Relatives can put so much guilt on us, especially family. We also have a choice on how to act or react about that.

    Like Rosie mentioned, keep posting and let us know how you are doing with this. Also take a look around Lifesupporters, many fun things to join in as well as serious and inspirational topics galore.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2015
    Posts
    3

    Re: Left out because I am the youngest?

    Thanks for the advice, I think you are both right, I am always looking for their approval and need to stop it. I fear they will say 'yeah just sit there and be waited on hand & foot' but that's my fault for thinking that way, they probably wouldn't even bother about it.

    There will be lots of other events coming up so I will take the advice and see how I get on, thanks again for being so kind and understanding, I think speaking to you both has prevented what could have been an unnecessary argument which would always be remembered at future events!

    Thanks again

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    1,589

    Re: Left out because I am the youngest?

    You are more than welcome Ceelo.

    We are more than happy to provide you with a different perspective which has been gained from being around a few years - right Luba

    We'd be really happy to hear how things go at your next event.

    Have a stroll through Lifesupporters and see what threads might interest you. Your comments and wisdom from your past could also help someone else who is going through the same things with respect to their family.

    Also as you've had struggles and are now heading in the direction you want, your knowledge and experiences would also be of great value to the forum.

    Look forward to hearing from you.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere over the rainbow!
    Posts
    26,558

    Re: Left out because I am the youngest?

    Quote Originally Posted by ceelo View Post
    Thanks for the advice, I think you are both right, I am always looking for their approval and need to stop it. I fear they will say 'yeah just sit there and be waited on hand & foot' but that's my fault for thinking that way, they probably wouldn't even bother about it.

    There will be lots of other events coming up so I will take the advice and see how I get on, thanks again for being so kind and understanding, I think speaking to you both has prevented what could have been an unnecessary argument which would always be remembered at future events!

    Thanks again
    You are very welcome, Ceelo! I relate very much to what you say as I've been a family 'trying to please' most of my life.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rosie Sanchez View Post
    You are more than welcome Ceelo.
    I agree with Rosie.

    We are more than happy to provide you with a different perspective which has been gained from being around a few years - right Luba
    A very definite YES!

    We'd be really happy to hear how things go at your next event.
    Yes, for sure.

    Have a stroll through Lifesupporters and see what threads might interest you. Your comments and wisdom from your past could also help someone else who is going through the same things with respect to their family.

    Also as you've had struggles and are now heading in the direction you want, your knowledge and experiences would also be of great value to the forum.
    Absolutely!

    Look forward to hearing from you.
    Yes, we sure would!
    Last edited by Luba; 06-30-2015 at 08:11 PM.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. 5 day's since she left after 13 yrs.
    By dazed and confused in forum Separation and Divorce
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 08-09-2012, 06:52 AM
  2. He left me
    By Goslingbiz in forum Separation and Divorce
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 03-12-2012, 02:20 PM
  3. 13 year old becomes youngest dad
    By PepsiChic in forum Hot Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 02-13-2009, 11:29 AM
  4. No Child Left Behind Act
    By Merika in forum Entertainment
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 10-28-2005, 09:26 PM
  5. My youngest Granddaughter is two today...
    By Luba in forum Friends and Family
    Replies: 22
    Last Post: 09-25-2005, 02:05 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •