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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2015

    Thinking about leaving my wife and or cheating

    Hey strangers. I am posting here, because I need to get some things off of my chest in a safe environment, one in which if you all flame me I can simply close the window.

    I am 27 years old, 28 before too long. I have been married for 3 years. Together for almost 4. Here is some history to preface my current situation. We met when I moved to go to college. I went back to school after a lengthy break, so I was in my early 20's and was never looking for a wife.

    We started dating in June. It was just weekend stuff and phone calls and texting during the week. I liked her a lot. So when my kind of sort of ex (we never officially dated) showed up to my apartment for an unexpected visit two weeks into my new relationship I turned her away.

    I really liked my new gf. She has a daughter from a prior relationship, and to me that was always an immediate turn off, but this time around it didn't matter. It turned out her dad bailed anyway and was not a factor (not yet but keep reading) And I wasn't planning on being someones dad just yet.

    But I fell in love pretty hard. And after 4 months gave up my apartment and moved in with her. (she owns her house and has since her early 20's) and from there I was totally willing to become the family man. Despite being a Deans List college student, I ended up dropping out and just working full time. I really liked our life. I liked being a father figure.

    At about 5 months we were engaged. And we were married at about 8 months. That's pretty rushed, but to me I was just marrying my soul mate. My step daughters dad decided to show up before our wedding. He is to say the least a **** starter, trouble maker, etc.

    As soon as he came back issues popped up one after another. The guy is trash and once pretended to be me to get information from my Mother in Law over the phone. He filed a false police report that I threatened to kill him and on the day of court dropped the charges so he didn't have to pay fees for his bull****. and that's really just the tip of the ice berg. It really is one thing after another with him.

    This is where things begin to go south. After months of dealing with him I decide that I have to move. I wanna go back to the town where I am from roughly an hour away. So we come up with a decent plan. Put the house up for sale, stay at some family houses, got jobs. My wife had complete and sole custody of my stepdaughter so we weren't anticipating any issues. But then her dad filed something in court that ultimately prevented us from being able to move. And because he has an expensive lawyer and just being honest here we can't afford one. She ended up with bad legal advice that lead to 50 50 custody. That was about two years ago.

    Her old job took her back mine didn't so I floated around a while before getting out of temps and back to a solid position. While training I got some texts from my wife that essentially said the following:

    "So, I need to get this off of my chest. When we were dating I was still planning to get back with my ex. It was just conversations. Nothing physical and it ended before we moved in together".

    So, in those first months when I fell in love, she was just using me a placeholder. This ****ing devastated me. She told me because her ex was causing trouble as usual and threatened to tell me himself so she did instead.

    I almost left. She was working late, If I didn't have my stepdaughter that night I would have packed my **** and left. I forgave her, but I never forgot. I don't think our relationship has ever been the same though.

    In the time since then, we have fought more often. At least once a week. She has threatened divorce once or twice in the heat of the moment.

    She has said a few times that she blames me for the fact that she has split custody now. That her ex never wanted anything to do with her daughter until I tried to move us away. That's a ****ty thing to say once, let alone twice. I have never forgotten it. It hurts that someone you care so deeply about says stuff like that.

    Other heat of the moment things she has said is I hate you, I wish you were dead (complete overreaction btw, that was because I didn't want to run downstairs and do something mundane.) and the two that bother most she said she wished we never had a baby and she said she I hate you to our son once. (we have a son now, I will get to that)

    I got fired and we had another temporary rough patch she cried in the shower and wondered if we should split. Not too long after my dad was in a car accident. Turns out he was bleeding from his rectum ignored it forever was finally going to the hospital and passed out from pain and wrecked his car. Barely survived. And it turns out he had terminal stage 4 cancer. He was 46 at the time.

    So a lot of effort went into helping him and spending time together. I fully believe that if my dad didn't get sick than we would have split. But even though dad was given less than 3 months to live he lasted almost a year.

    In that time my wife ended up pregnant. My dad lasted just long enough to see his grandson born and about a month later died. The month that followed was very ****ing hard and we fought a lot. That's when she said she wished we never had him. I was ready to pack that night too. It blew over pretty fast. We all say stuff in bits of stupid anger.

    That was about a year ago. My son is a few weeks past his first birthday and I just don't feel like things are working. We have a routine, because we work together at the same place. and our second car crapped out so we are stuck with just one car without any spare cash to even get a cheap second car.

    Her ex is still causing so much turmoil and worst of all may end up living a few houses away. This is something that I cannot deal with. I accept that I am an unreasonable piece of ****. He has cause so much trouble in my life that I just have to be completely removed from him to be somewhat happy. I pretend that he doesn't exist. He isn't allowed on our property because when they split up he robbed the place. And the other day he was standing next to my car waiting for my stepdaughter and I was livid.

    MY wife should be able to come to me and discuss things when he causes trouble, but 9 times out of 10 I just can't deal. So there's emotional separation at times.

    We are both having some level of depression and anxiety. We fight still not always, but at least once every two weeks. Somehow I am always the bad guy. I have changed, I was never such an ******* when were dating. At least that's her opinion.

    I admit. I am jaded. I don't hate her, I don't even dislike her. I love her. It sucks that I feel so dead inside, but I do blame her a little bit. I just don't care much anymore. Much like I feel that she would have left if my dad didn't become ill, IF we didn't have a baby together I would have left.

    Sex is like non existent anymore. Once a month, but whose counting. I'm in my 20's that is important. I want to ****.

    So I have a wife who only seems to like me half of the time. Who seems to be just as unhappy with where we ended up. Who rarely wants to be intimate.

    And I am getting attention from some other women. And I don't think I would ever cheat. That's not my style. But unlike the first few years, my eyes are starting to wander, and my brain and heart are at war. There was a long time that I just completely didn't even notice women, because I was with the one I wanted. And now, I find a lot of women that start to make me rethink things.

    Once of which seems really into me. I won't lie. I like the attention. I like someone who says that their days are better after chatting with me.

    I love my son so much that I am willing to just live an unfulfilled unhappy existence, if it means that I don't have to share him. I won't leave ever because I can't imagine life without him every day. And more so when my stepdaughter is here, she pays little attention to our son.

    I hate my inlaws and don't like using them as baby sitters.

    But I can say for sure that If I was guaranteed custody of my son I would leave....But I also wouldn't want to take his parents away form him as he already knows them.

    So now in the back of my head I am thinking--Affair---But I also remember how much it hurt just to hear that she was considering going back to her ex, not even being involved physically and how it almost killed me.

    I just couldn't do that to her....

    Any ideas on how to fix this **** without me eating a bullet

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    The Cloud of Unknowing

    Re: Thinking about leaving my wife and or cheating

    Hi, and welcome to the forums.

    What you're describing is an awfully complicated set of relationships, courtesy of your wife's ex. Parental right laws can be a real pain when someone decides to abuse the legal system. It is all about control, and attempting to hurt and make someone miserable, just because they did something they did not approve (i.e. your wife leaving him). His goal may simply be nothing more than making you and your wife miserable. People can be petty like that. Depending on the State you are in, that means guaranteed legal misery until your stepdaughter turns 18 (and forget about moving states, since chances are he'll legally annoy you). That is a long time.

    Part of the problem is that your wife seemingly never seems to have established clear boundaries with regards to her ex. The episode when you started dating her, and she was still pining to get back with her ex, is just one case in point. The fact that he could not be bothered with his daughter until you showed up is another. As long as your wife does not set clear boundaries, expect misery for a long time. That the custody is shared now does not help either, since this guy will be around to pick his stepdaughter up, interact with your wife etc. Which only contributes to making the mess even more complicated.

    At this point the frustration, anger, and unresolved issues have already taken a toll on the relationship. So it may be really hard to actually get her to see the need to establish clear boundaries with her ex. And that would only be the starting point of resolving all the other issues, which for a large part, stem from her unresolved relationship with this guy.

    You make it quite clear that she is frustrated with the situation as well. Which may offer an opportunity to address the issues in the relationship. But for that the first step has to be to (re-)establish open lines of communication. And that means spending time together, preferably without having to deal with all the mundane things, and trying to rekindle the passion.

    You fell in love with your wife a few years ago, and obviously she has changed through the past few years, just as you have. I bet that it is mostly due to circumstances, rather than anything else. Try and set up time to do things together. Try to simplify life, if that is possible: what good is life, if you are constantly chasing things, and never have a moment to enjoy it?

    If all that does not work, only then you should think about divorce. Having affairs, or staying in an unhappy marriage will impact negatively on your son - the most important thing to any child is that their parent(s) are happy.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2011

    Re: Thinking about leaving my wife and or cheating

    Hey misfitsquid,

    I can't give you nearly as eloquent or useful advice as Vautrin gave. I would highly recommend you read his post, sleep, and read it again to ensure you really understood all of his points.

    What I can say is I'm glad you came here, I was in a bad situation just over 4 years ago and this place helped me immensely.

    I'm sorry for what you're going through.

    So I'll give you my opinion, but understand I'm only in my early 30's (but married 8 years) and I have no counseling background. So I'm coming to you with no formal creds and a medium dose of life experience.

    I'll say there's no easy way out of the situation you're in now, either way. You seem to be emotionally checked out of the marriage, and maybe that started when she told you she was still debating being with her ex.

    If you aren't ready to open the lines of communications with your wife right now, I think a good idea may be to find some solitary time and truly think about what you want, in peace and quiet. Focus on the things that are important in your life, the things you enjoy doing. Think about what your day to day would be like without your wife in it. Try to remember why you married her, and all the things you still do together now.

    I don't know you or your wife, so it's hard for me to frame what those thoughts end up looking like. But I hope they help you gain clarity on how you truly feel.

    Three things I will close with -
    1. A Mother saying something like "We never should have had our son" a month after his or her birth probably should have seen a doctor for postpartum depression.
    2. I strongly encourage you NOT to have an affair (physical or emotional). If to the best of your knowledge she has not physically cheated on you, and you decide you want to try and make your marriage work, I think you can come back from anything and time can heal most wounds. A physical affair while married is very hard to move past. For you, and for her. It also ties into the next point.
    3. If you decide to leave, remember that you will likely have a relationship with her for the rest of your life, whether you want to or not. Unless she is deemed an unfit Mother you will never be able to remove her access to your Child. Try to treat her with compassion, respect, and empathy even if you decide to pursue a divorce.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2012

    Re: Thinking about leaving my wife and or cheating

    Hi Misfitsquid

    Firstly, another welcome to the forums. I've been offline for a while so only now reading your post and those from Vautrin and Andyd.

    I absolutely agree with both the guys with what they say and their advice. I especially agree with the closing statements AndyD has made.

    One thing I did want to bring to your attention is that I see a clear "pointer" that your wife wants to be in your relationship, based on the fact that she told you about what happened during your early days together with regard to her Ex.

    I feel it must have taken a lot for her to tell you, knowing she risked loosing you by saying what happened. She could have chosen to deny everything her ex said and you probably would have just thought it was another disruptive act on his part.

    Whilst the comment was probably the "last straw" on top of all your other issues it seems to be a pivotal point for you both emotionally so if you could revisit it from a different perspective this may be the starting point for the two of you to build from.

    You seem sensitive enough to understand the "heat of the moment" comments and I applaude the fact that you are seeking help from the position of being in your marriage rather than running away as so many others would have done.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Somewhere over the rainbow!

    Re: Thinking about leaving my wife and or cheating

    I, too, haven't posted in awhile and want to welcome you to this caring forum, misfitsquid!

    SUCH great advice given by Vautrin, Andyd and Rosie!

    Please keep posting regarding your progress in your decisions. Not only will it help others who may be reading and in a similar situation, but also for us to continue to provide support with genuine caring!
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia

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