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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
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    27

    Can't Believe This Is Happening Again

    Hi al,
    I found great support on this board 4 years ago when my wife and I separated. In early 2012 we separated as she claimed that she had lost her identity and we pretty much remained separated for almost a year. During that time, I never left the house. I pretty much lived in our basement since our lives were so intertwined and she also didn't want me to leave because of our two daughters. So we have each other space and in the fall of 2013, we decided to give this another go. Things seemed fine for 2 1/2 years. Our hectic busy lives unfortunately continued. We have 2 girls. One is her 18 year old daughter who is my step daughter but who I have raised since he was 4 years old. Our other daughter is our beautiful 6 year old daughter.

    Later this year come October- we will be celebrating 10 years of marriage (I hope). We dated 4 years before that so I have known my wife for 14 years.

    During February, her behavior changed yet again. Very reminiscent of 2012. I remember having an argument with her they we never do anything "fun" and that argument led to a bunch of other feelings. Today I am 41 and she is 38. It's debatable whether or not we are old lol but with both of our jobs and the demands of our kids, I must admit we never did a good job of taking time for us and that is likely we as of a couple of weeks ago, we are again separated. Here I am again in the basement writing on these boards and wondering why this has happened to our marriage.

    She claims that we are great partners in life but that we are not in love. We work great together to Run a household and raise the kids, but there is no connection. She says she can't even honestly kiss me with any compassion. I can't disagree with that.

    4 years ago - I was torn. I was a mess. I cried a lot. But I learned to slowly get on with life. This time around, I was a bit emotional the first few days I was in the basement but outside of those few days, I'm not really that much of a mess. Do I wish this was happening? Of course not- but what consumes me now is anger. Why are we here again? Many married couples have their "fire" go out especially after being together for 14 years but they still stay together to make things work. Why doesn't that happen here? Is it really better to split up and ruin the kids lives? For my 18 year old, this would be the 2nd separation she would have seen her mom go thru. But even if this was unable to fix itself- I will always remain dad to her. As for our 6 year old- here is where my anger really boils. I spent 14 years raising my step daughter and gave her a sense of normalcy in her life as I gave her a father to come home to. Like I said that will never change. But now after doing that for your daughter, you want my natural born daughter to now face her years growing up with a separation? That is just unfair - but I guess life is unfair.

    My impressions of my wife are that there are deeper issues. She says she is never happy in life. She works too hard and claims she has lost her identity since I do a lot of the work around the house. I could see how her identity would be lost - but man, is life really that bad? We have a nice home - 2 beautiful daughters and good jobs that allow us to give our girls a great life. We've stopped ourselves in the past and have said we are really blessed for all we have. How does that feeling all of a sudden change to that of total despair?

    Has this happened to anyone? She's seeking therapy but I don't know if it's to try and fix our marriage or if it is just for herself. How do I proceed now? It breaks my heart to think that I would have to leave this house and my girls - but she isn't looking to kick me out. I just don't understand how things change so fast and become the same as 4 years ago.

    I'm baffled - confused and angry and really have no clue how to proceed.

    Thanks to all for listening!!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere over the rainbow!
    Posts
    26,373

    Re: Can't Believe This Is Happening Again

    It's debatable whether or not we are old lol
    First of all, SDO, you aren't OLD! I'm a grandmother, a senior, and I take exception when someone (usually family) dares call me 'old' as I'm still a kid at heart!

    It's really nice to 'see' you again, though I wish it was under happier circumstances.

    I'm a firm believer in trying to work things out, until every aspect is totally exhausted. It does happen as it did in my own marriage, staying with it and both of us working and growing together. Sometimes it does take awhile, depends on both partners, some 'get it' faster than others, but with work, it can eventually get there. It also takes a lot of patience, a lot of love, and a lot of understanding in how the partner feels, too. Sometimes it's putting our own feelings aside for awhile and, if the partner isn't much of a talker, sometimes it's taking in body language as that shows a lot more than her/his words.

    I probably may think of more to say when I have some more time to think as I'm flying through Lifesupporters just now.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
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    Europe
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    1,538

    Re: Can't Believe This Is Happening Again

    Hi sincedayone I agree with the things that Luba (a very wise lady) has to say.

    I'd like to also add that, from a wife's perspective, I can understand your wife's comment about loosing her identity. We tend to be given a title, Mom, Wife, Sister, Aunt, Grandmother but, under all these loving titles is the person who was given a name a birth. Like you are a son, husband, Uncle.

    What some couples forget is that you are two individuals who have come together by mutual attraction but, before that, you were a single individual, a person with an identity.

    Maybe it would be worth asking your wife to think of something she did for herself before, or even when, you were dating, take her back to who she was then - in fact it wouldn't hurt for you to do the same as it must be about balance.

    Ok, she's probably not going to want to go skipping, or you skateboarding, down the road but it is more about giving you and her the 'time' to be an individual, then outside of that you will be able to come together on a more even footing.

    Her having help is always a good step but sounds like you need some too.

    Hope this makes sense and gives you another train of thought to follow

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    27

    Re: Can't Believe This Is Happening Again

    Hi Rosie,
    Thanks for the words of encouragement! These days she is definitely doing a lot for herself. Everything that has been transpiring is eerily reminiscent of what happened three years ago. The coldness towards me is there and the flat out avoidance as far as being around the house is there as well. Just last night, she didn't come home and claimed she went out with her girlfriend and was too drunk to drive home. I didn't even flinch, just let it slide because this happened before.
    The only thing that has changed is that I am not as torn about it. I mean don't get me wrong, I wish this was not happening, but I kind of am enjoying this free time so to speak.

    But when I think of our children it crushes me to think that we could be ending our marriage. it's not ideal and I do wish there was some resolution.

    When she does choose to talk about us, its only to insist on talking about how we will handle this and what are we going to do legally or procedurally going forward. I guess I don't want to come to terms with it so I keep putting that conversation off. That and the fact that she is hardly ever around is why we haven't had that conversation yet.

    In the interim, I find myself just trying to be there as much as possible for my daughters and when I am not there, just keeping my mind busy.

    I just don't know why we are here three years later after going through this already. Should it fix itself will it happen in another three years? is this normal?

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Europe
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    1,538

    Re: Can't Believe This Is Happening Again

    It is always sad when a relationship ends and in your case it must be so difficult to make a decision based purely on the age of your youngest daughter. If she was older and could understand more then maybe your path would be a little easier.

    It does, however, seem (from your words) that your wife has made her decision about where the relationship is going so maybe you should now take consideration of how YOU want the future to proceed should a permanent separation take place. It will not be an easy task to do but at least it could give you some confidence & strong input without all the fresh emotions being uppermost when (if) it happens and will minimise the emotional damage that could affect your daughters.

    Ultimately, no-one can 'tell' you what you need to do as no-one except yourself and your wife have lived the journey we can only be here to help by being a 'shoulder' to support you at this time and voice our thoughts.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
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    12

    Re: Can't Believe This Is Happening Again

    Ok, this sucks for you. I totally understand why you are so upset this time. It is not fair to you, but that's why I think you should put all efforts into fixing it. She is obviously going through something, reach out to her. Tell her you love her, go to marriage counseling together. You say you love her and that is worth saving, for you and your children. She could be depressed, and feels by cutting you out it will fix it, well it won't. She needs you, and you her. True love is worth fighting for.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
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    27

    Re: Can't Believe This Is Happening Again

    Best words I have heard in a while Jaylady - the silence is cold and distance these days and many times, I feel its best to just let it be for the sake of not making things worse. Very difficult time indeed.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
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    Somewhere over the rainbow!
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    26,373

    Re: Can't Believe This Is Happening Again

    Quote Originally Posted by jayjaylandy View Post
    Ok, this sucks for you. I totally understand why you are so upset this time. It is not fair to you, but that's why I think you should put all efforts into fixing it. She is obviously going through something, reach out to her. Tell her you love her, go to marriage counseling together. You say you love her and that is worth saving, for you and your children. She could be depressed, and feels by cutting you out it will fix it, well it won't. She needs you, and you her. True love is worth fighting for.
    Quote Originally Posted by sincedayone View Post
    Best words I have heard in a while Jaylady - the silence is cold and distance these days and many times, I feel its best to just let it be for the sake of not making things worse. Very difficult time indeed.
    I'm going to offer another slant on this, SDO, maybe something to think about, especially since I'm a woman. I know when a person is suffering and becomes distant, one of the hardest things to face is someone's quietness which only seems like more distance. I believe saying nothing at all just makes for a wider problem. You seem to me to be a very caring, strong person and no matter what ends up happening you will still remain a strong person. All it takes is telling her "I care for you", or "I love you" or if you can't say that or find the words, do something kind for her, even if it's a few small things or something bigger that you know she will appreciate. Baby steps at first, but showing kindness always goes a long way. A problem isn't solved in a short time, but you can start enjoying the process. You will find that kindness breeds more kindness and if it turns out that she doesn't respond (she would have to be a rigid tree if she doesn't) but you will find such a gift for yourself for the man that you are! I found joy just by writing this to you, SDO, and I wish you the same!
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


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