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Thread: My life

  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2016

    My life

    I am a 22 year old boy from Romania, and I'm going to graduate from college in a month.
    I can say that I have a good life, I have everything I need materially, I have a great loving family, and I honestly consider myself a smart person. I have done many things in my life. I have been congratulated and told what a great person I am many times. My parents always say that they are so proud of me and they only wish that they were like me when they were teenagers. All this sounds wonderful.

    But on the inside, I'm not feeling well. Actually, in this period of my life, I've been feeling really bad on the inside. I constantly feel the need to satisfy everybody around me, and I feel I have to make decisions for my life right now, although I'm not ready to do that yet. I'm graduating, and I'm among the top 3 students of the university, but I don't feel good enough. I feel I have way much more to learn. I am pushed to go on with my studies for a Master's degree but I don't feel ready for that right now. I feel I'm in a need of some free time, but my parents are against "doing nothing", because they are constantly afraid that if I choose do have a gap year, I will never go on with my studies again.

    I feel like in a depressive state. feel like everybody else around me is doing fine and they are all happy with their lives, because they're in charge of them. I feel that everybody takes life easy, they live relaxed without caring for anything, and they have success in everything they want, while I care a lot for every little detail, and I am not even noticed many times.

    I don't have friends, neither a girlfriend. I don't like going to clubs because I can't stand the music there and I don't like to get drunk. I am respectful and nice with everybody but I have never felt I get that back from the people around me. I feel like the person who is not wanted by anybody, although I am funny, friendly and I like to try new things. I'm just not interesting, because I'm the "boring" guy who doesn't do the stupid things, I guess. I have had a small friends circle, but I was the one who was always considered inferior and always being laughed at. So I decided to loosen the friendships with those people. I find it really difficult to become friends with people. I'm not talking about getting to know somebody. I'm talking about creating a friend relationship. And I find it way much harder to get a girlfriend, but I believe I'm just not attractive because of the way I feel inside. I really need some people around me whom I can trust and talk to freely, because I don't have that. I need a shoulder to cry on sometimes, and I would gladly be that to somebody else too, but nobody seems to be interested in it. I want to have a girlfriend to love and spend time with. That would change my life because I wouldn't feel alone anymore. I am a virgin, and have sexual desires, but I don't want a girlfriend only for sex. I want someone I can love and who can love me back, but all the girls I know choose other people, which sometimes are honestly not so funny, and far less respectful or smart. I don' understand how this works. I really don't. I feel like I was born in the wrong place or year and I have the feeling that the world doesn't need me now, because everybody is doing just fine without me. Except my family, of course.

    Now I'm sitting here in my student dorm room, feeling and emptiness inside me because I literally feel alone. It's not the first time I have this feeling. I get it about every week and I really don't like it. I manage to get out of it all the times, but it comes back eventually.

    I'm also a musician. I've been playing for 12 years, but haven't written my songs yet. I have many ideas recorded, but didn't sit down to create my music. I feel I can do it only if I have nothing else on my mind.

    I love to travel. I visited China two years ago, and last year I spent 4 months in the USA. One of my dreams was to visit NYC and I made it. I was so happy that I was walking on the streets smiling and feeling an amazing energy inside me. I would have wanted to go again, because I had the opportunity, but my parents insisted on me going on with a Master's Degree instead of going to work in the USA, which I actually enjoyed a lot and I feel it also helped me a lot, both personally and financially. My parents are great people. I love them with all my heart, but I feel that they care too much about me and this keeps me down a lot. They don't let me drive on a long road without them being with me, and they keep telling me their opinion on everything I want to do. Maybe I would like to go on a trip by hitchhiking and I'm sure they wouldn't agree, because it's too dangerous. The truth is that given the fact that I have no friends to rely on and to spend time with, my parents are the only persons in the world whose advice and opinions I care the most about. This is why I feel I began to make decisions and think just like they want me to, although I don't see things the same way sometimes.

    People around me tell me to go a travel somewhere by myself with the money I earned, but I wouldn't enjoy it alone. I would rather be nervous and anxious instead of enjoying it, and my parents wouldn't agree with me travelling alone either.

    They always help me with everything. I'm the world for them. I would like to talk to them about all this and I actually tried a few times, but they get angry and say that they don't understand how a boy like me can feel this way, but they are not helping. They are also stressed at work, and I don't want to pressure them even more, because if they don't understand what I'm saying, I can't change that. So I feel alone in this case.

    What I need is some advice from you on what I could do in order to get rid of these feelings and use myself at my best. I feel I have so much potential to do great and important things in my life! I just feel that not now. I'm confident about a great future me, but I'm not confident at all with the person I am now.

    I know I wrote a lot, but I tried to be as specific as I could, although there would be a lot more to write.
    Thank you in advance for your help and patience.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    The Cloud of Unknowing

    Re: My life

    Hi, welcome to the forums spiderboy.

    You find yourself in a difficult situation. It is quite obvious you're articulate, smart, and are really in touch with yourself, and know what you want to do, and where your problems stem from.

    Women (or men for that matter), can be difficult to figure out. When emotions come into play, decision making is not rational, so even if on paper you're a better person, that does not mean that a particular girl is more attracted to you (I only had my first girlfriend at 25, so I can relate). Things like shared interests, the people you know and meet, etc. do play a major role.

    Part of the reason may well be that you don't enjoy the typical youth scenes, loud music and such. There is nothing wrong with that - but it also means that the kind of girl who is right for you, also does not frequent places that you rather avoid.

    I think it is already clear what you need to do. You need to start listening to yourself, instead of doing what others expect you to do. You have tried to talk and reason to your parents, but sometimes, our parents do not (want to) see what is really going on in our lives, and what our desires are.

    Who cares if you are among the best 3 students of your university? It is others. For you it might be a bit of an achievement, but I don't get the impression you would really hate being "only the 6th best". Because for you it is rather meaningless, and you'd rather focus on other things you have possibly neglected too long. Such as music.

    Obviously I would not advise you to cut ties with your parents, or get into endless arguments with them. If they do not understand where you're coming from, that would only antagonize them more - and obviously you love your parents a great deal. They want what is best for you, but it is only you who knows what is best for you.

    Take some time for yourself - you can always do the Master's a bit later, but you need to figure out a few things. Whether or not you want to pursue your music. How you want to structure your life, in terms of making a living, meeting people, and do things that make you happy. If that means you have to get your own place, and take a part-time job (to pay your bills) for the time being, then do so. What is important that you come across as confident in what you're doing, and on't be dependent on your parents, when you run into some minor issues. They'll get used to the idea of you going about things in your own, responsible, way sooner rather than later.

    I spent a gap year doing what I wanted. And that meant I read a lot of books and literature, spent a lot of time pursuing my own interests (even without my parents knowing what I was exactly up to). I did not have much money, traveled much, but I was really happy doing what I did. And it really made me a better person, not having to worry about anyone's approval.
    It also ensured that I never really have felt inadequate in any respect since. Since now I am comfortable with who I am - and that is one of the greatest assets you can have in life.

    The alternative, doing what you're expected to do, will only make you feel more and more inadequate, and depressed about the things in your life that are not working for you. Which will impact negatively on the things you do. Whether it is studying, working, dating, etc., because you never get to feel confident doing what you want / need to do.

    I hope this helps you a bit.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2012

    Re: My life

    Hi Spiderboy

    I send you a welcome to LifeSupporters. I've been away for a while and only just seen your posting.

    Firstly, Vautrin is a fountain of knowledge and experience and has given you great scope for you to look at your life in a different manner and he's right in saying you should listen to your own wishes.

    I personally feel we grow as individuals by allowing ourselves to take a step back, relax, enjoy new adventures and learn new cultures before we set ourselves on the path we desire for our future job/responsibilities. Taking a "gap year" as Vautrin did would certainly give you the 'breath of air' you need before plunging back into your education.

    We know precisely where we should be and you are perceptive enough to feel and understand that (not everyone does). If New York is where you felt energised and excitement then why not contact people from the Romaninan community there about taking a sabbatical there? This would give you the option to return there and perhaps give your parents the feeling of security they need for you.

    Now for the matter of romance. Men & Women actually go through the same processes. There are plenty of women who are intelligent, quiet, thoughtful and pretty who will be doubting themselves every day about having a relationship.

    What I have learnt is that by relaxing, being yourself, and smiling at the world, this projects outwards and people find themselves being drawn to you.

    A single smile is all that is needed for the right person (that's the romantic in me ).

    Listen to your heart, be respectful as Vautrin said, but uiltimately the life that you are living is yours.

    Hope to hear what you feel about our comments and how you are doing.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2012

    Re: My life

    Hi Spiderboy

    Just to show you how easy something can be I asked my friends in NYC about finding help within the Romanian community and they gave me these links....
    New York - Romanian Group (NYRG) (New York, NY) - Meetup

    and of course you could always try joining

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