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  1. #1
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    Jun 2016
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    Really need help - sensitive topic

    I've just searched for a forum for help as I desperately need some advice and stumbled upon this site.

    To cut a long story short I just received 2 text messages from my father containing videos of porn. It seems they were recorded on his phone from a computer. We've had issues in the past with our phones being connected through our iTunes account so this could be how they were sent to me, or else it's a horrible mistake.

    However, I immediately called him, angry and upset and at first he tried to lie claiming he didn't know what I was talking about. After pressing it for a minute he admitted it. I feel sick to my stomach at what I just saw. We had a brief phone conversation. He begged me not to tell my mom and asked that he gets the chance to talk to me when he gets home from work. He said if I say anything it will be the end of their marriage. He admitted he was in counselling before for this problem - I believe a porn addiction - and if my mom finds out that's it, it's over. She seems to have known about it before but he has made her believe it worked and the problem has gone away.

    I'm so upset to think he's lying to her and that he would continue a behaviour that he's certain will end their marriage. He's always been the most amazing father, so sweet and loving and I can honestly say I am in a stage of shock. I live at home with my parents and siblings and have always had a happy family. He sounded so scared on the phone his voice was shaking so he clearly knows it's a serious problem. The bit that's upsetting me is that it seems he's been lying and pretending to my mom (who clearly is not ok with it if she got him to attend counselling) that it isn't an issue anymore. I feel so torn...how can I live with keeping this secret? But I can't break up my family either! I really don't know what to do.

    Sorry for the long post I just desperately need to speak to someone about it but I can't talk to anyone about this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
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    Somewhere over the rainbow!
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    26,558

    Re: Really need help - sensitive topic

    Welcome to Lifesupporters, looking for help.

    Quote Originally Posted by lookingforhelp View Post
    I've just searched for a forum for help as I desperately need some advice and stumbled upon this site.

    To cut a long story short I just received 2 text messages from my father containing videos of porn. It seems they were recorded on his phone from a computer. We've had issues in the past with our phones being connected through our iTunes account so this could be how they were sent to me, or else it's a horrible mistake.

    However, I immediately called him, angry and upset and at first he tried to lie claiming he didn't know what I was talking about. After pressing it for a minute he admitted it. I feel sick to my stomach at what I just saw. We had a brief phone conversation. He begged me not to tell my mom and asked that he gets the chance to talk to me when he gets home from work. He said if I say anything it will be the end of their marriage. He admitted he was in counselling before for this problem - I believe a porn addiction - and if my mom finds out that's it, it's over. She seems to have known about it before but he has made her believe it worked and the problem has gone away.
    The part I underlined jumped out at me and I don't think it's fair AT ALL that your Dad is putting it on your shoulders when he is the one to blame. It makes me rather irate when parents try to blame their children by playing the old guilt trip.

    I do think it is a good idea to listen to what he has to say. In the same breath, I think he should be told it's totally unfair to lay this guilt trip on you about the marriage. He is the cause, he takes the consequences, not you at all.


    I'm so upset to think he's lying to her and that he would continue a behaviour that he's certain will end their marriage. He's always been the most amazing father, so sweet and loving and I can honestly say I am in a stage of shock. I live at home with my parents and siblings and have always had a happy family. He sounded so scared on the phone his voice was shaking so he clearly knows it's a serious problem. The bit that's upsetting me is that it seems he's been lying and pretending to my mom (who clearly is not ok with it if she got him to attend counselling) that it isn't an issue anymore. I feel so torn...how can I live with keeping this secret? But I can't break up my family either! I really don't know what to do.
    You shouldn't have to live with this secret at all! Your Dad should stand up like a man, take the consequences and talk to your Mom. Clearly, he knows he's doing wrong because of his shaking voice, so he should go and do the right thing. That's what I think needs to happen, you should NOT be put in this mess at all!

    Sorry for the long post I just desperately need to speak to someone about it but I can't talk to anyone about this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
    Please let us know what your Dad ends up doing. The bottom line is to tell him how unfair it is to you to be told that if you said anything to your Mom that would break up the marriage. It's not true and I think telling him so will tell him clearly where you stand, and give you back your strength.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


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    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
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    Re: Really need help - sensitive topic

    Hello and welcome to Lifesupporters.com lookingforhelp.

    Although your dad sent you pr0n (which is morally reprehensible in my opinion) I do not understand why you feel so put off by it?

    Whatever problems your parents have they are your parents problems, there is no need for you to take ownership of them or get in the middle of anything. You said yourself that he's a great dad, he's still the same person he was before this happened.

    If a person is married to another person, they've lied, probably numerous times. We all lie now and then to protect our loved ones, it's nothing new, it's always happened and it always will happen.

    The fact you're just finding out about it changes nothing.

    It just turns out you know more about him now but it should not change who he was to you before this happened.

    I'm sorry to be so callous in my response but I truly feel you're overreacting here.
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  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
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    Europe
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    Re: Really need help - sensitive topic

    Welcome to Lifesupporters.

    It comes as a shock that the people we love the most and hold up as our moral compass are actually human and fallible.

    Try and think of it this way, our parents are open to all the same temptations that we are. They are allowed to make mistakes and the same as we are!

    I can totally understand your shock at the messages, however, the fact he has 'confided' in you about his problem and that he's going to (or will return to) therapy shows the trust he has in you. Also the fact he wants to talk to you may also be his way of reaching out for some support.

    As Duke states, couples can and will have secrets from each other. Whether they are little white lies or larger more complicated ones. Consider this, isn't there something you have done in your childhood/young adult years where you were told NOT to do something, yet you have continued behind your parents back? Drinking maybe? Smoking maybe? Seeing someone your parents were not happy about?

    He will always be your Father, the same person you said has loved and cared for you and your siblings, do not let this change your viewpoint of him.

    We look forward to hearing what happens once you've had your chat.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Posts
    11

    Re: Really need help - sensitive topic

    first of all, i want you to know that i have a "liberal" mind as the society labels me. i do not have a religion too. i am not atheist though. so, my morals may be a lot different than yours but i usually deal with logic.

    so...

    a man watching porn is like a woman watching chic flicks. both offer over the top expectation from the opposite sex. both are "fantasies". the number of women enjoying porn maybe proportional to the number of men enjoying chic flicks.

    as a female who's been around guys most of the time (through male dominated sports, hobby and career that i am into), i know enough that guys generally like watching it.

    so please, don't take watching porn per se generally against him.

    but i agree with you, the problem here is that your father is lying about it.

    relationships should have open communication. the opposite of addiction is connection. simply removing porn in his life without uprooting the cause of why he is addicted to it won't solve the problem. so, your parents and you may also be involved if you want, may work out what is wrong.

    personally, if it doesn't affect your daily lives, i don't find it wrong. cigarette addiction has to stop as it causes cancer to both smokers and people around him. alcoholics have disruptive behaviors.

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