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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
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    6

    moving on after divorce

    I didnt realise that moving on would be so difficult particularly when there is nothing to move on to. I will try to make my story as brief as possible.

    This isnt my first post on lifesupporters. I was here 6 years ago when I was in a bad marriage and I was contemplating divorce. I had received good support from here and am hoping I get the same this time around.

    Am in my early 30s and a divorcee from India. The taboo that divorce has in my society has prevented me from moving on. Many people around me have been openly cruel about it too. It is as if I shouldnt want to make my life better. I feel like I am being penalised for the mistake I made 6 yrs ago. I regret the marriage, not the divorce. But Now it seems like i cannot move on with this over my head. Being unattractive doesnt help either in a society where fair skin trumps all. Maybe I should have thought of these issues before i committed myself to this life sentence. I dont know. Im just unhappy that I dont see my personal life moving anywhere. I keep getting friendzoned to the guys I talk to. I dont think I should hope for a relationship anymore. I should resort to a single life. Maybe thats best.

    Sorry am just using this space to vent. There is no one around who seems to understand what am going through. Its just that I havent been able to forgive myself for what has happened in my life. Maybe thats preventing me from moving on.
    Last edited by Duke; 08-16-2016 at 10:30 AM.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
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    Re: moving on after divorce

    That's a touch situation wishful, hard to respond to.

    First off I have to say it's pretty cool of you to come back and update us on your situation. People come and go here getting the best support we can give and never bother to update us so thank you for that.

    I must confess I know little to nothing about Indian culture. It's quite possible in my response I may come across as ignorant depending on who reads but I respond with the best of intentions.

    I'm 48 and in my time I've had a few East Indian friends, one of them was my best friend for a few years. He was the best I'd ever run into but he was a crook and also a terrible father and husband. In fact that is the one trait that all my East Indian friends had in common, all were terrible husbands and fathers.

    Growing up in Canada I'm not used to seeing people treated poorly based off skin color, sex or social standing.

    I can't speak toward your attractiveness because this is in the eyes of the beholder. I know if you feel unattractive you will usually give off negative energy that I believe people can pick up on. Confidence is an attractive trait and it's something that sounds to me that you need to work on.

    Don't allow the divorce to drag you down because it doesn't define you as a person. Those who think or act differently are not people you need to associate with so get them out of your life; you'll be better off for it.

    Is there any chance you can relocate or are you geographically locked to where you are due to family, finances or other?

    ...and lastly if I can say don't worry about the friend zone stuff. Work on you, get your self esteem up and don't worry about what others say. Others will always have something to say and worrying about it only holds you back.
    My Daughter Rules!

    Band of Others: Are you a Gamer looking for a home, look no more bro!

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  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    6

    Re: moving on after divorce

    Thank you duke for your words of encouragement.
    Fact is that I have been trying hard to be positive all these years. But as time goes on and when good things don't happen it gets you down and it makes you rethink everything that has happened in life. Am at that point now and I don't know how to move forward.
    Many people keep telling me that my life is better than others and that things will become better. But I am just not able to see it. I have actively started avoiding people because they remind me of the deficit in my life. I wasn't this kind if person. Now I can hardly recognize myself anymore.
    I want to be that happy person that I used to be. But I don't know how to. I have no friends and I live alone. I am not the socializing type anymore. I wish I could rewind my life.

  4. #4
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    Jul 2004
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    Re: moving on after divorce

    Everything you're going through is completely understandable wishful but I just want you to know it's not uncommon. It's easy to fall into some type of depression stemming from a life altering experience such as divorce and many have experienced it.

    In your case it may be more of a challenge simply because you're surrounded by those who remind you of this bad time in your life. This is why I asked if you could relocate or something to help ease the burden.

    If you can't do that for your own good you need to change things up even if it's just slightly. You must have had hobbies or things you enjoyed as a child, maybe return to those. I don't know if you exercise at all but that can certainly help as it floods your body with endorphin's which helps your mood.

    Or simply find a nice spot where there are people and just walk it every day. Eventually you'll start recognizing faces in the crowd and who knows, maybe connect with someone.

    In other words, just look for areas to break up your habits that haven't been working for you. Even one little change can ripple through your well being but you'll never know unless you keep at it.

    ...and if you don't mind my saying, I know you want to do it. You actually took the time to re-register and post here so you haven't' given up yet which is terrific!

    When my engagement failed to the mother of my child I just closed off the caring part of me. See I knew she wasn't the right person for me but I stayed with her as she was pregnant with my child.

    I had left her and planned to bike across Europe with a good friend of mine, a plan that came close to executing when she telephoned me to inform me I was to be a father. Given my family values I returned to her but it was pure misery with her and even worse when she left me for someone else.

    I felt betrayed, used and even abused by her callousness.

    It took years to rebound from this and the reason it took so long was due to me. At the end of the day she was not nearly a big enough person for me to lose years of my life feeling anything but joy for being rid of her.

    Like you I registered at a forum but it was a gaming forum and I started meeting people online through it. I've now carved out some terrific friendships lasting upwards of 14 years and it's the reason this place even exists.

    I don't care what some may say, online communities can be one of the best forms of mental healing, I know it helped me tremendously.

    You're here now and believe me we're more than willing to accept you here for who you are. None of us care about your divorce, many of us have been through similar situations, some better but some worse.

    Maybe this is your first step in a long term healing process but I firmly believe it's a positive one.

    Just try not to fall victim to your own head because it's the worst thing you can do to yourself.
    My Daughter Rules!

    Band of Others: Are you a Gamer looking for a home, look no more bro!

    Ofear.com: Confronting fears, phobias, and panic attacks, in a friendly online community.

    Movie Talk: Like discussing movies, tv and streaming media, well so do we.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    6

    Re: moving on after divorce

    I do a lot of things to keep myself occupied. I do go to the gym regularly. But still there are times when the depression sets in and I'm paralyzed.
    The fact is I don't know why I still feel this way after so many years. Its should be better and the pain should be less right ? But I still feel the way I felt 6 yrs ago. Getting out of bed everyday feels like a challenge in itself. Seeing everyone around me and their lives changing for the better makes it worse for me. People around me love to rub my nose in their happiness. This is another reason why I prefer to be alone. I'm tired of pretending to be happy for others. I know that I shouldn't feel this way but I can't help it. If I talk about wanting to find someone, the comments I hear are " you already had your chance at it.. U shouldn't destroy a single guy's life by getting involved with him, search for a divorcée like yourself " . with friends like this who needs enemies right ?
    There are hell a lot of married folks who lead double lives and have their affairs. But even they are well accepted than the divorcee who is trying to find some happiness.

  6. #6
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    Jul 2004
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    Re: moving on after divorce

    Well in reading your responses it's painfully clear you need to dump these friends of yours because they're pure poison.

    You'e never going to move on if all you're surrounded by are people belittling you.
    My Daughter Rules!

    Band of Others: Are you a Gamer looking for a home, look no more bro!

    Ofear.com: Confronting fears, phobias, and panic attacks, in a friendly online community.

    Movie Talk: Like discussing movies, tv and streaming media, well so do we.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Sydney Australia.
    Posts
    1,068

    Re: moving on after divorce

    Hello Wishful.

    I have no magic words of wisdom for you, I have no experience of where you have been, nor, where you are going.

    But i sense that you are a deep and quite resourceful person and even though you are facing hard times, you will come out on top.

    I just wanted to send you a bit of support and wish you well, keep focusing on being positive and always, always hold your head up high. If you have self respect, you will generate respect for yourself from others.

    Ultimately, it is only you who can judge yourself and emotionally, it is only yourself that you need to answer to.

    Be well

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    6

    Re: moving on after divorce

    Thank u snooks..
    I am trying to be positive. But it is a struggle.

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