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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2016
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    1

    Unhappy I don't support my best friend's pregnancy

    Hello... I'm not really sure what to do, I've never been in this kind of situation. She seems to be happy, and I want to be happy for her. But when we talk... I can tell she's not happy. The only reason she's happy is because she's finally getting what she's always wanted, a child. Other than that, she's severely depressed.
    This all started in January 2016. She was in an abusive relationship for 6 years. My friend and I helped get her out of it finally. She came and stayed with me for 2 weeks because she had no where else to go. Her mother is abusive and she didn't want to stay with her grandparents because they were too bossy. (She later claims to hate them and that they're abusive too, when she used to boast about how amazing they are and how much she loves them. I digress.) So anyways, she stays with me. 2 days into her staying with me, she has a meltdown and gets drunk. (We always have alcohol in the house but it's rarely touched.) She was crying in my bathroom with me and this other friend, while texting. A few minutes later, this older guy is outside wanting to pick her up. My friend and I did our best to keep her at my house, but she got mad and ran outside. Where he took a hold of her and lead her out. After that, she stayed with him almost every day and all night. That night he took her, was the first time she ever saw him outside of work, and the first time she ever actually spoke with him. When she woke up with a hangover, she was in his bed with him and she didn't know where she was. Red flags, or just me? Not sure... This isn't a young guy either. He's in his mid-fourties. She's 22. Anyways, to shorten the story, after 2 weeks she moved in with him. Tried to play it off like they were just friends. She slept in his bed and he slept on the floor, yada yada. Eventually got out they were dating. The same month she moved in (January), he convinced her to have sex without a condom and have done so ever since. She tried to tell me he doesn't care about sex, yet she says they have sex multiple times every single day. Sounds like it's about sex to me. As time went on, I started to notice he is exactly like the ex we got her away from.

    He convinced her to stay home from work very often, so much that she got fired. She has no diploma or GED, she worked under a temp service and the hatchery we worked was her ultimate sanctuary. That he took away from her. The temp service will never hire her again. Then he did the same thing with her therapy. She claimed she loved it and it helped her so very much. Once she got kicked out, she laughed about it and told me she hated it. That the therapist was a "bitch" and din't help her at all. But it was obvious it did help her. Now that she's not in therapy or on medication anymore, she's spiraling back down. She has a lot of disorders that she refuses to take care of. Bipolar, depression, anorexia, bulimia, PTSD, anxiety, and probably more. On top of that, the boyfriend is the only one working and they barely ever have money for food after bills. She's 2 and a half months pregnant, and still doesn't show an interest in getting government help.

    The boyfriend might become physically abusive, I fear. She's told me he's punched the wall and has freaked out on her for stupid reasons. Like eating his cereal, her hand flopping on him in her sleep, going to work sick, stress from money and work, and so on. He's constantly angry, from what she tells me, because he's stressed out. I'm terrified to see what will happen when that baby screams and won't be quiet during the night.

    The point of all of this was to show what I see is going on and explain why I don't support this realationship and pregnancy. Now I don't even know what to ever say to her when she brings up her pregnancy other than "cool" or "that's good". I don't know what to say to her anymore, but I don't want to leave her. She's hurt me so much through all of this, yet I can't say good bye. She tells me I'm the only one, besides her boyfriend, she ever talks to because he doesn't trust her other friends. He doesn't even trust me. He doesn't want her to see me either, he gets mad when we hang out. They fight when she wants to come stay with me. It's frustrating... But she doesn't understand this point of view and why it's so bad. If I try talking to her about this, she says "It's because of his age! You're just jealous!". What do I do? Do I suck it up and pretend to be happy for her relationship? Or do I speak my mind until she hates me? This has been going on for almost a year and I'm not sure how much more I can handle. I have my own life stress... Please help me. And if you read all of this, you're amazing.

    TL;DR

    Friend has an abusive boyfriend, stayed with him for a week and he convinced her to not use a condom. Now she's pregnant and claims she's happy even though he doesn't want her working, going to therapy, or seeing her friends. I don't support her relationship, what so ever. And she doesn't understand why.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere over the rainbow!
    Posts
    26,558

    Re: I don't support my best friend's pregnancy

    Welcome to Lifesupporters and I'm going to call you "A Very Good Friend"!
    It seems to me you are there for her and that, to me, is the definition of a friend. In any friendship, honesty with gentleness is the best kind.
    She is getting herself into a terrible mess, and what's worse, bringing an innocent life into such toxicity. It's really sad to see people doing so when her/his own life is so messed up.
    The only advice I could give is to stay her friend, you may be her only hope, but be honest with kindness, but also don't allow her problems to become yours. You sound like a very kind person, too.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    whos getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Under your bed.
    Posts
    27,811

    Re: I don't support my best friend's pregnancy

    Welcome to Lifesupporters friend.

    I don't think you're a terrible friend at all, just a concerned friend.

    In reading your post several times I must admit I agree with most of it except where pregnancy is concerned. I certainly understand your motivations not to support it given the circumstances the pregnancy occurred under but once it's happened, it should be treated as a separate thing entirely.

    Many children these days have parents who hate each other, in fact I'd wager it's always been this way. The only difference in today's society is that marriages end in divorce much more than they did decades ago as households are typically dual income.

    Now that she's pregnant that is an issue outside of the relationship as she may not always be in this relationship but she'll always be a mom. If she is indeed your good friend then this is something you'll want to be a part of I'd wager.

    If you take a stand now choosing friendship over a child is no choice at all, you will lose the friend every single time.

    There is nobody on this planet that I'd put before my child and I'd wager most parents feel the same way.

    If I were you I'd support the pregnancy but not the relationship.
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  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Posts
    11

    Re: I don't support my best friend's pregnancy

    wow that was tough situation.
    and you are really a great friend.

    real friendship means open communication. tell your friend what you think about the relationship. if she gets upset about it, you have nothing to loose but a burden. if she sees what's wrong with her, then you help her. you cannot help someone who doesn't want help.

    don't feel guilty if she drowns with that man. she is old enough to make her life decisions. you can only do so much. and if she is really a friend, she will value your opinion. she may or may not take it though. discuss her your terms and how you would like to help.

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