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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Posts
    1

    Getting over suspected infidelity

    I'll try not to make this too long. I am deeply in love with my wife of 14 years and we really get along well. She's 8 years younger than I am, very attractive, and is successful. As an executive with her firm, frequent business travel was a requirement. Several years ago she started traveling regularly with a colleague; ten years her junior, married with two kids, and he is a Brit. My wife has a few girlfriends but has always gotten along better with male friends and when she developed a deep friendship with "the Brit", I didn't find it unusual. I'm not the jealous type at all, in fact I have met this man several times and he is pleasant but I am convinced that they had a relationship that went well beyond friendship. I won't get into detail but suffice it to say that there were several occurrences which screamed infidelity. In fact, there was gossip within their company about their relationship to the point that the company moved him to their UK offices which I believe was an attempt to separate them. After his move the relationship became strained. My wife explained it as a falling out between friends. I viewed it as a lovers relationship going south. Their communication was via Facebook messages and although not proud of the act, I hacked into my wife's account to read their messages. While nothing explicit was said in these messages, they sounded very much like a romantic relationship was in jeopardy. BTW, the next day she changed her passwords so she knew that I had been in her account. She even went so far as to arrange a 24 hour layover in London on a trip back from India in order to see this man to, as she put it "try to salvage their friendship". The Brit's wife apparently had her concerns as well as she forbade her husband from seeing my wife while she was there. Anyway, she has always denied that their relationship was anything other than a friendship. I can't prove anything and have pretty much decided that I'll never have a definitive answer so I have decided to try to forget about it and love my wife as best I can. But the problem is that I can't move on. I try very hard to put this behind me but I can't get past what feels like a huge sense of betrayal. Again, I might be wrong about the nature of their relationship and I'm tearing myself up for nothing - or I might be right but will never know for sure. Either way I want nothing more than to grow old with my wife in harmony. They are both with different companies now, he in the UK and she in the Western US so they don't see each other but I know that they still communicate on occasion. She doesn't try to hide this. Any ideas as to how I can finally get this whole thing behind me?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere over the rainbow!
    Posts
    26,406

    Re: Getting over suspected infidelity

    Welcome to Lifesupporters, baseballdad! I want to think of a reply that may help, but don't want to reply with my first thoughts as they are stemming from emotion from having witnessed the quick acts of some of my friends who have gone through a similar situation. I hope to return with a thoughtful and helpful reply.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere over the rainbow!
    Posts
    26,406

    Re: Getting over suspected infidelity

    But the problem is that I can't move on. I try very hard to put this behind me but I can't get past what feels like a huge sense of betrayal. Again, I might be wrong about the nature of their relationship and I'm tearing myself up for nothing - or I might be right but will never know for sure. Either way I want nothing more than to grow old with my wife in harmony.
    That speaks volumes to me, baseballdad, and I totally understand. To be truthful you may feel that way for a very long time as just burying it won't help it go away, it will come back to bite you if something even similar happens. The truth is you are hurt, and until you get it out in the open with her it may just keep following you in the depths of your being Without being confrontational or unkind because you DO love her, find a way to have a conversation with her about it. She has to know it's not okay to have that kind of a relationship with someone, even if it's innocent. That being said, there ARE innocent men/women friendships but the partner HAS to know about it and transparency on social media is a part of that. The fact that she changed the password, to me, isn't transparent. This is just my opinion and would hope to hear further how you are handling this.
    On another note, in this day and age, you sound like a devoted and loving partner and you deserve the same.

    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Posts
    11

    Re: Getting over suspected infidelity

    first of all, i want to give you a nice pat at the shoulder and whisper, you are a good man.

    they say, if you are contented with one person, you don't need another.

    the key to a relationship is open communication. loose it and everything will crumble. if you have these red flags and you can't have peace with it, clearly, things are not fine.

    let your wife know about it. be honest on what you feel even if she is not. if she denies it and you still aren't satisfied, i suggest you still tell her that.

    if you can't have peace, be the first one to let her go. things will not be better for the two of you with you suspecting she's having an affair.

    it takes two to tango. if she is just forced in the relationship for some reasons, the dance will not be as graceful as it should be.

    if you want to put everything behind, she must help, she must be involved. if she's really wants to clear her name, she will make actions.

    you can try seeking a marriage counselor or a love coach too.

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