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  1. #1
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    Jul 2005
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    Dealing with Separation

    Hey guys. Like most of you, I joined this community because I have problems in my life and have very few people to talk to about them. Recently, my wife asked for a separation. As I love my wife and did not expect this, it has devastated me. Our living conditions have been grating on both of our nerves and its not because we cant stand each other.. We ran into some money problems about 2 years ago and lost our house.. Since then, we have been bouncing around from friends and family trying to get stable again. This in itself is stressful, but I have done everything I can to keep our little family together. I have a long history of depression and have been fighting it like mad for the last few months. I want to do anything I can to save my marriage but when I try to talk things out with my wife she more or less doesnt want to discuss the situation. She says she doesnt like me 'drilling/interogating' her about whats going on. To my knowlege, I havent been doing any of those things. I just try to understand the whole problem by talking to her and trying to get her to open up to me. We are currently staying at my parent's house. I know living with the inlaws is hell.. Its hell for me to live with my parents again.. And since I am currently unemployed again, that just makes it worse.. I cant help financially and that just makes her more stressed out because it falls onto her sholders.. I never meant for it to get this bad and want to do anything I can to make things better. Im out every day busting my ass looking for a job and I have also applied for admission to college. But I feel like none of that will really make a difference. I feel like I have already lost her. I talked to a mutual friend of ours today and found out she talked to him about our situation. She feels like I am holding her down and keeping her from living life. I dont know how or why she feels this way, but thats what she said. When Im not working, im taking care of our 4yr old daughter. I have literally raised her from day one. So how have I held her back? I would love to do things with my wife but I can barely ever get her to open up to me..

    Sorry.. Im rambling on.. I dont even know if I ever cleared any one subject cause I have so much going through my mind.. I dont know how to deal with this and Im clueless on how to approach her in repairing the damage. I feel defeated and alone... Im trying to keep my hopes up, but its very difficult in these times.. I dont want to fall back into depression.. I dont know if I could make it if I did..

  2. #2
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    Man I'm really sorry to hear of your situation, I've been through it myself and suffered from depression, even planned my own suicide during that time. My mind was always racing, trying to figure out what was wrong, I was working two jobs and we had a newborn baby girl together. I hate to say it but I do know what your going through and it's going to hurt for a while my friend.

    I'm not sure if my situation is exactly like yours but I'll give you my "hindsight" take on the whole situation. I loved my ex, or thought I did, to this day I'm still not clear on that point. I too have very strong family values as my parents are still married and I always thought I could hold a marriage together. Turns out I was wrong.

    My wife was unresponsive to virtually all of my needs and the only communication we really had was about how she felt. It never seemed to matter how I felt, but I didn't care much because it was all about her and our baby. I feel I did all I could but ultimately she asked me to leave, and I left with a broken heart. Having to say goodbye to your child is horrible because you will no longer live with them again and that thought is just horrific. Many women don't seem to understand this, or choose not to acknowledge it, or so it was in my case.

    The worst part of it all was that we argued constantly, in fact, it only worsened after we split. It got to the point where I actually threw the phone across the room where it shattered on the wall. Problem was, my daughter was watching in wide-eyed horror. I have never, nor will I ever allow myself to get like that again, especially in front of a loved one.

    I cried myself to sleep for close to 6 months. I had no car, a crappy apartment, no furniture and a job that I hated that payed nothing. I was broke and now paying excessive child support all to a person I was growing to hate. The entire situation sucked and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but the fact is that it happens every single day.

    I'm sorry for what your going through, I hope it works out but it almost sounds to me like she's accepted the future and you may not be in it. I hate saying that but I want you to be aware that it is a distinct possibility.

    You may want to try a few things such as:

    - give her some space, just make her know that your around if she want's to talk.
    - discuss seeing a family therapist
    - ask her point blank if you guys should split for a while

    I know the last option is tough, but you may want to consider it. The last thing I want to say is don't do what I did. I put myself last and my world evaporated, I lived through my daughter and ex. The only thing that happened as a result is that it didn't help the relationship at all and I fell much harder when the relatiohsip ultimately ended. You're an important member (crucial in fact) of the family, don't ever forget it.
    My Daughter Rules!

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  3. #3
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    It's really heart breaking to hear your story bud, even more so because you obviously care about what's happening and love your family very much. Personally I've never been through anything like that and can't imagine how hard it must be.

    I'm with a girl who I love very much who has hurt me and on the occasion still does but no matter what, I let her know I love her. Recently she moved in with me and a short time after she made it clear that she no longer loved me and was moving back home, which ripped me apart. The only things I could think to do were selfish and would have just pushed her away more so instead I told her that I loved her, that I respected her decision because all I want is for her to be happy, which is the truth. Also I think that's an important part of love, it can't be selfish. In the end, she apologized and told me that she wants to stay and make it work, she even got a job today and has shown a lot more interest in our relationship, something which she seemed to be losing.

    My only advice is perhaps just tell her how you feel and ask her what she wants to do next, as Duke advised. It doesn't have to be confrontational but for the sake of your family, it's important that you all know where you stand. I wish you the best in this hard situation.

  4. #4
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    SORRY....I missed your post earlier today. I guess I didn't scroll down far enough or something. Anyway.....

    There can be alot of reasons why a marriage begins to fall apart. I'm not sure if it's actually due to finances....but it seems to be what people end up focusing on and arguing about. People get stressed out, nerves are frazzled and they look for someone to blame.

    I wish I could say that there was some magical formula to fix it....but I really can't. Some people stay together for the sake of the kids and some don't.

    From a female point of view....I CAN tell you this....go out there and get a job whether you like the job or not. It doesn't matter what it pays. This is the reason why: If a female is paying the bills...the first thing she's going to begin thinking is that if she has to do provide for the bills anyway....what does she need a husband for. This won't happen in a well established marriage when a hardship occurs....but most women seem to really resent being married to someone who isn't working.

    Not only will it give her a new confidence in you....but it will give you a new confidence in yourself.

    Keep posting and talk it out with people who care....but aren't so close to your situation that they can't be objective about it. You can't MAKE her talk to you...but perhaps in talking with other people....you'll pick up an idea for a new angle on how to approach her.

    Till then....hang in there. We've ALL been thru the crap mill a time or too and totally understand.

  5. #5
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    I recieved word from the college I applied for admission. I have been accepted. I have orientation August 12th..

    Last night I cut my hair.. First time in about 8 years.. It was down to my lower back (right above my butt).. Now i can barely push it behind my ears.. When my wife saw it last night after she got home from work, she cried.. She has never seen me with short hair. Im removing my piercings when I go in for interviews also.. I did all of this to be more presentable on job interviews to increase the likeliness that someone will hire me.. Like I said to my wife, I can only apply for jobs.. I cant hold employers at gun point and demand a job..

    Point is, im doing everything I can to set our life in a more stable environment.. I have arranged to pick her up from work Saturday night and drive down to the beach where I have reserved a cabin.. Im hopeing that we can relax, just the two of us, and work things out.. Im just hopeing that doesnt backfire on me.. I plan to pick her up about 2:30am when she gets off, and I will drive us to the beach (about 30-45min drive).. Wont be coming home till Monday afternoon.. I've already checked with her to see if she had any plans for this weekend, and she said no.. But thats not to say she wont be upset for me dragging her out for that long.. I guess if you guys hear from me before Monday evening, you know things didnt go to well.. Wish me luck and I accept positive prayers of any kind if any of you pray..

  6. #6
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    It sounds like you've made GREAT plans! I sure hope everything either works out or that you've at least been able to feel like you've got a handle on things.

    Life is just SO HARD! I admire you for trying to pull your marriage back together. I finally got to the point where I just didn't feel like love was worth the effort....and that's a crappy place to be in.

    I hope you both have a wonderful time!!!!!

  7. #7
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    Good luck Chaos, please let us know how it turns out.
    My Daughter Rules!

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  8. #8
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    Chaos, I read your initial posting yesterday morning and on the way to work, and the two positive things I wanted to say to you! You say you practically raised your daughter, to me that sounds like you are a good, loving father who is there for his little girl! That already is tops in my book!!!!
    You also added how hard you are trying to get a job and not giving up, how great is that when you are trying at the same time to fight depression and a breaking heart!
    All I ask at this very, very difficult time for you is that please "Keep Your Power", don't give it away to your wife even though you love her dearly! I know from what I speak, I'm a grandma (but I'm not old) who gave her power away constantly and it is not a happy place to be. My children suffered because I gave my "power" away! Well, Chaos, as soon as I got it back life took on an incredible, new meaning for me! When you have your "power" no one, even your most loved ones, can't hurt you as badly anymore! We all have that "power", but some of us don't learn it until way into our lives!
    Once you realize you have it, and you feel different, you will be able to handle whatever life brings! That doesn't mean that you don't cry, or scream to the walls with your pain, you have to do your grief process...but underneath...when you Know how strong you are...you'll make it through....and we're all here behind you!! May God Bless you, and my positive thoughts are with you this weekend!!!

  9. #9
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    Dec 2004
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    You don't happen to be staying in Lake Charles do you? We just had a warehouse guy quit. The pay is either $7 or $8.50 an hour, I'm not sure how much since I've never worked warehouse before.

  10. #10
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    We didnt go.. I live in Vidor Texas now TZ.. To far of a drive for that pay. Thanks for the offer though..

  11. #11
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    Any reason why you didn't go?

    BTW, has there been any change in your relationship?

    Hope you don't mind me asking, I'm just concerned.
    My Daughter Rules!

    Band of Others: Are you a Gamer looking for a home, look no more bro!

    Ofear.com: Confronting fears, phobias, and panic attacks, in a friendly online community.

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  12. #12
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    I surprised her with the option to go last night.. She said she didnt want to go due to money reasons. I didnt argue, I just said ok.. She said she was going to get her check that night and she needed to cash it before we went anywhere, so we would go in the morning. Morning came and it was raining.. Instead of going to the beach, she said she wanted to go grab a bite to eat. We went to a restraunt and then to the park to talk. She says she cares about me deeply.. She said she wants to do things on her own at times.. She couldnt tell me if she loved me.. Nothing was really said that hadnt been said already.. It really hurt too.. We got married in that same park and had the conversation about 100ft from the spot we took our vows. The happiest day of my life was there.. And there we were, me listening to her say she still wanted to go separate ways.. She said she had feelings she didnt understand. And I feel helpless in saving our relationship because I dont know what else to do. Its like it rest with her, but she doesnt want counciling to help her uncover her emotions she doesnt understand..

  13. #13
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    I'm sorry to hear that, it's so disappointing that it turned out the way it did. I'm really hoping that she'll come around and realize what a mistake that she would be making to leave you. But don't give up yet, think about yourself and your daughter, it may not be possible for you to live with her but it's essential that you do what you have to in order to be a part of her life.

  14. #14
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    Your wife is unhappy with her life and confused about her feelings. Try and remain hopeful, she still cares deeply for you and has not said she no longer loves you.

    Your family has been under tremendous pressure because of your situation and you've all dealt with that as best you can. It's difficult to give advice when she has shared so little of her feelings with you but from what you've said, she feels that you are holding her back. Maybe she feels that the financial and emotional burdens have fallen more on her than on you. Maybe she feels responsible for you and the responsibility is too much along with all the other pressures in her life. I could be wrong, but this is my best guess based on what she has said to you.

    Whatever the reason, she does not turn to you for emotional support. Why not? You need to know this. This is more about her perceptions of the relationship than any objective assessment of what you have done or not done.

    Do continue to encourage her to open up to you but do not pressure her (she clearly feels pressured now). Don't ask things of her, offer things to her. Be her port in the storm. Let her go if she needs to, or spend time alone if that will help her uncover her feelings. Be supportive and welcoming when she returns to you.

    This may not help but it certainly won't harm your relationship and if she still loves you it will encourage her to start sharing her life with you again. It's a hard task for you, you'll need to deal with all your anxieties about your uncertain future on your own and not look to her for reassurance that she can not give at the moment. Remain as involved in your daughter's life as you can. Good luck, Chaos.

  15. #15
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    Re: Dealing with Separation

    Hello
    My name is Patrick and I'm in need of some help please. I have recently separated from me wife. We have been together for 20 years.
    Our life has been for the most part very good, as we want for very little. In the past year or so we have become very polarized towards each other. Let me explain. I retired in 2004 and things have been going down hill since then. Life has been very good since with lots of laughs and party's. We have been getting more polarized since. She (I know has been very jealous of my retirement). Last year she left her job to go to Afghanistan ( as a civilian). I now realize that she was just running away. Since she came home in November last year I have given her every freedom that I could. Things have been very tight and I have not been able to be spontaneous any more. I have actually been overdrawn every month since she got home. This is of no matter to me as my pension is not that bad. She has been enjoying the summer with her riding(motor bike) and seemed to be ok with everything. I have even encouraged her to take longer trips, which she did. Little did I know that she was developing a relationship with her riding partner that ended up in an affair. I found out about this affair 4 days after my father died. Things have been going down hill ever since. I tried to get her to agree to some sort of counseling but to no avail. At this point she will be living on her own. I care so much for this woman that it hurts, but if I do have to give her up so be it. She still has her friend and uses him as a friend and sounding board. She wants to remain friends with me but I don't know whether I should just let go or not. At this point I have considered some counseling to get over this and found your forum, and am looking for some input please.

  16. #16
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    Re: Dealing with Separation

    Hi Patrick, welcome to the forum. I'm going through something very similar and I don't have any good advice to offer other than it sucks and I know exactly how you feel. Hang in there and know the folks on this forum are great listeners.
    I'm so much cooler online...

    There is no kill switch for awesome.

  17. #17
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    Re: Dealing with Separation

    Thanks "Waydown here" after reading what available from the forum I agree that there might be some help here. I will wait patiently. At this point my wife is still living here and trying to find another place to live, but is having a very hard time of it. Like I did this summer I will give her as much rope as she needs. At this point she has hanged herself, but all I can hope is that she does find a place to get her head straight so that she can make a realistic decision. I have lost hope for being with her but still have hope that we can be together in some form.

  18. #18
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    Re: Dealing with Separation

    Hi Patrickj. Welcome to lifesupporters. I am at work right now so don't have much time to answer you but want you to know I do understand how you feel. You have come to a very caring and understanding group. I will be on tonight later and be a shoulder if you need it. Take care.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  19. #19
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    Re: Dealing with Separation

    The month my wife and I lived together "seperated" was really hard. About two weeks before the move, she asked if she could stay. Hurt like hell to say no but I just couldn't see anything changing if she stayed. She's been gone a month and I'm doing ok. You'll be ok too. It just takes time. Your wife like mine is searching for something and all you can do is let them try and find it.

    Hopefully you have some good friends you can talk to. While this forum has been very helpful, my best resources have been my friends. I've also learned who my friends really are as well. I try to stay busy and keep doing the things I enjoy. Exercise is good therapy. A daily (sometimes twice) 2 mile power walk does wonders to work out all the pent up aggression and frustration. Try not to wallow in the misery of it all. It’s tough and expect to have good days and bad. Most of this week for has been bad for me.

    I’m new at all of this and maybe how I’ve handled it is not the best way. I don’t know but just taking one day at time is about all a guy can do. I sure some of the more “experienced” members will chime in and give better advice.
    I'm so much cooler online...

    There is no kill switch for awesome.

  20. #20
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    Re: Dealing with Separation

    Thanks for the support....Yes she has been staying here for a couple of days till she can get established somewhere butit all hurts soo much. I love this woman and want nothing but the best for her. She is taking the second best room available and I hurt to see her do that. Yes I know that I should not hurt but I (at this time hurt). I want her to be well and I still care for her so much that it hurts. I havent slept in a couple of days and I don't eat very much(just enough to survive). Deep down I know that things will get better but for now its not very good here. I don't sleep, I don't eat and I am hurting all the time. What do I do??

  21. #21
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    Re: Dealing with Separation

    Well I hate to tell you that you're in for many more sleepless nights. I don't sleep or eat much either. It's going to hurt so let it hurt. Cry if you have too. I did.

    I don't know if this is cool or not but a friend recommended a book to me that really helped put thing into perspective. "Rebuilding - when your relationship ends" 3rd addition, Bruce Fisher. Search for it on amazon. It really helped me put things into prespective about what happend, why, and what is to come.

    I feel your pain, many of us here do.
    I'm so much cooler online...

    There is no kill switch for awesome.

  22. #22
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    Re: Dealing with Separation

    Like waydownhere says, cry, get it out of your system. You are going to hurt. It will take time to get better but you will. Find a hobby you enjoy or exercise. Exercise is probably one of the better ways to help you feel better. What ever chemicals pump through your body during that time do make you feel better. We are here. Talking it out sometimes helps. Getting more distance between you will help so you aren't seeing each other every day. That just seems to reopen the wounds that are trying to heal. Hang in there. Better days are ahead.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  23. #23
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    Re: Dealing with Separation

    Welcome to Lifesupporters, Patrickj; I'm sorry for chiming in so late. I'm sorry you're here under such circumstances, but you are here among people who have gone through all kinds of circumstances, some have stayed on to become a family, others have moved on.

    I think you have been given solid advice and only those that have been through similar circumstances know how much it hurts and how much work it takes to become whole again. It's a day at a time, an hour at a time, sometimes when it hurts so bad, it's just getting to the next minute. The positive thing I find, is that we all have amazing strength to move on however long it takes. We don't see this strength sometimes until we're on the other side of it, becoming humbler, wiser, and more loving people.

    I think the first hurdle to get through is to tell yourself you are going to survive. That's Huge in my book. Then you take steps like calling on dear friends, going to a counselor or pastor, coming here and just saying all you need to say (no judgments here), and, of course, crying your heart out when you need to. One wonderful thing about crying is that a peace does come for awhile, until you need to cry again.

    Keep coming back, you're among friends and very caring people!
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  24. #24
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    Re: Dealing with Separation

    Thanks LUBA. Today I hurt still, but I see it in her as well. We have secured a place for her to stay for however she needs to. She has been very naive about this and is just now realizing what is really happening. She won't probably actually move out till Monday, so I'm giving her the space that she needs, and also an ear if she needs that as well. I know that her head isn't on quite straight right now (and neither is mine). She need time away from both me and her "friend" to figure out what she actually wants. I pains me know that I must let her go in order for to find herself. I don't know what she will finally decide but I will back her all the way. In the mean time we both have to deal with this as best as we can. As I have stated before I love her dearly but she needs to find herself in order to know what to do.

  25. #25
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    Re: Dealing with Separation

    I think, as much as this is hurting you, you are really an inspiration as you are taking the high road and giving her the space she needs to do what she needs to do, find out what she needs to find out. How kind and unselfish is that?

    You mention no hurting words, arguments, or bitterness, which, IMHO, prolongs the agony. Whichever way this goes, and the way you are handling it, will, I believe, help you both to always remain in a caring bond.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


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