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Thread: Separation

  1. #1
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    Mar 2008
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    Separation

    I was just wondering if any of you actually believe that separation makes the heart grow fonder? or is that just a load of B.S? I would think my wife would miss me a lot,I know she will, but that doesnt necessarily mean that she will start to maybe love me again as time passes. What do you think? I dont understand the reasoning of her last words to me... " If we are meant to be together, Im only a truck ride away". Meant to be together?

  2. #2
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    Re: Separation

    I think separation confronts people with the realities of a (possible) loss. And only then we realise how much we had; how much we loved the other person at those times.

    I think it is a bit similar to instances when you are reflecting upon a childhood (assuming it was a normal, non-toxic environment). In retrospect we can see how happy we were, but at the time itself we were way too busy doing whatever, to even consider happiness.

    A separation is not definitive. Sometimes it is possible to overcome the issues that led to the separation. If you have been together for 17 years, I doubt your communication has always been ineffective or counterproductive. And there is even less reason to assume you chose these patterns willingly. Sure, noone communicates perfectly. But sometimes there are reasons for it (too much stress, money worries, sickness, etc), and once those are taken care off adequately, the communication may become adequate enough again.

    Are you still in touch with her?
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  3. #3
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    Mar 2008
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    Re: Separation

    I heard from her the day after she left. I phoned to make sure she was ok and that she got moved into her sisters ect. That was Sunday and I havent heard from her since. We arent angry at eachother, I am just letting her make the call. If she wants to talk to me, she can call. That lets me know she's thinking about me, OR she just is reminding me of something non related. Here I go thinking optimistically again. I tend to do that. I guess because we've always pulled through stuff in the long past. She has Epilepsy, and I've always wanted to care for her, and be by her side. Take her Dr. appointments ect, still lastnight, I thought at 9pm, I wonder if she remembered to take her pill. Sorry for the off topic rambling. Im more or less typing what is in my head.

  4. #4
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    Re: Separation

    The rambling is understandable and maybe even a bit helpful to you. Helps you get things off your chest. I don't know if separation will make the heart grow fonder or not. I guess it depends on her and what she is feeling and thinking. Keep posting and letting out what bothers you and we will all do our best to help you through this. You are not alone and we do care what happens. I hope she realizes what she is losing. Maybe you should call her just to check on her, ask her if she is doing okay and if she is remembering to take her meds. It is a two way street. If you feel the need to talk to her then do so. I wish you the best of luck. Remember, you have an online family with us.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  5. #5
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    Re: Separation

    Quote Originally Posted by <<Numb>> View Post
    " If we are meant to be together, Im only a truck ride away".
    What this means to me is, she is keeping the option open for both of you to reconcile the marriage.

    What she is really doing is prolonging the pain for not only you, but for her by saying this and thinking this. She probably doesn't realize that she is hurting either of you by doing this. I certainly don't believe it's intentional.

    If she does keep leaving the door of possibility open, it is going to hurt and hurt both of you bad.

    If you want this to be over, it's time for you to call the shots instead of letting her control this break-up.

    If you want to reconcile your marriage, it's time to make a stand and fight to keep it together.

    What do you want? What are your feelings?

    Don't worry about what she thinks or what she feels. She will let you know those things after you put your cards out on the table. If she doesn't want the cards you laid out, walk away and don't look back.

    Possibly in the future, you two could be friends, but not at this stage of grief that you both have at this particular time.

    Keep us updated and be well.


  6. #6
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    Sep 2007
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    Re: Separation

    Quote Originally Posted by <<Numb>> View Post
    I was just wondering if any of you actually believe that separation makes the heart grow fonder? or is that just a load of B.S?
    Well, there's this Dutch saying; 'Je weet pas wat je mist als het er niet meer is'. This translates into; 'You only know what your missing, once it's not there anymore'. (I think this saying exists in English too?) Meaning that only when someone is gone you get a true grasp on how important she was for you when she was still there. Personally I find this to be true.

    So I agree with Ivy, if you're realizing how much you're missing her and love her now she's gone, then now is the time to tell her. If the same goes for her is still to be seen offcourse, but you shouldn't just wait for her decision to call you.
    I'd go for showing her your true feelings, and hoping hers turn out to be the same. Call her, write her a letter, maybe even let her read what you wrote here (esp your very sincere first post). Show her what your true feelings are. If you're just going to wait for her to realize what she still feels for you, yet at the same time let her take a gamble on guessing your feelings, it might be too late. After all time does heal wounds.

    If you want this to be over, it's time for you to call the shots instead of letting her control this break-up.

    If you want to reconcile your marriage, it's time to make a stand and fight to keep it together.
    I couldn't have said this any better!
    Last edited by NoTargeT; 04-03-2008 at 12:15 PM.
    NoTargeT (a.k.a. Shilka)

  7. #7
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    Re: Separation

    Quote Originally Posted by NoTargeT View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by <<Numb>> View Post
    I was just wondering if any of you actually believe that separation makes the heart grow fonder? or is that just a load of B.S?
    Well, there's this Dutch saying; 'Je weet pas wat je mist als het er niet meer is'. This translates into; 'You only know what your missing, once it's not there anymore'. (I think this saying exists in English too?) Meaning that only when someone is gone you get a true grasp on how important she was for you when she was still there. Personally I find this to be true.
    our version is "you dont know what you've got, till its gone"

  8. #8
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    Aug 2007
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    Re: Separation

    I have also been through a similar situation with my first wife. It was after almost 8 years and she left. Looking back at it all I wish I had the strength, back then, to do what Ivy has suggested.

    If you want this to be over, it's time for you to call the shots instead of letting her control this break-up.

    If you want to reconcile your marriage, it's time to make a stand and fight to keep it together.

    If she doesn't want the cards you laid out, walk away and don't look back.
    I echo your words here NoTargeT, could not have said it any better myself.

    This sounds a whole lot easier than it really is though. I was messed up for almost a year before I ended up just outright changing myself over. Different haircut, shaved all my facial hair (no mustache anymore), I moved , and changed jobs. In the end this helped more than anything.

    I tried to tell her how I felt but I came off crying to much and sounding like I was begging for her to come back, and this didn't help me at all. I am very glad that things did not work out between us now. It has been more than 8 years since then, all the hurt is gone and I have the most wonderful woman in the world by my side.

  9. #9
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    Re: Separation

    Quote Originally Posted by <<Numb>> View Post
    I was just wondering if any of you actually believe that separation makes the heart grow fonder? or is that just a load of B.S?
    I've been a wife for over 40 years and I don't believe that separation makes the heart grow fonder...I believe in staying put and trying to work things out by communicating and really, really listening to what my partner needs and wants, when to step back if things get heated, and when to try talking again. I think separating just causes more problems because the communications breaks down; each wanting the other partner to make the first move. Talk, talk, talk it out and if there is nothing left, THEN separate and move on. This post may be very curt and to the point, but making more grief by separating helps no one; just makes it harder to start communicating again.

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