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  1. #1
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    Oct 2004
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    Unhappy GUILT (it's a long one)

    I've been trying to sort this all out in my head and in my heart for a long time now. My marriage and my life went thru hell and back over the past year and a half. I am having a very hard time dealing with everything that has happened. I want to move on. To put it behind me. I want to be happy again. I don't know how.

    It's a very long story, so I'm going to post the readers digest version here. I started last January (2007). Well, actually before then I suppose, but that is when it started getting to me. I felt neglected by my husband. We hardly ever spent any time together. He worked long hours, and when not working hung out with a new friend of his that was 18 compared to his 30 years of age. Looking back, it was like he was trying to be a teenager again. Anyway, I begged him to start spending more time with me. More than once. I cried and pleaded with him and he always said he would and that he was sorry and he would start making us a prioriy. In never happened. I've always said that actions speak louder than words, and his actions told me he didn't care.

    An old friend of mine found me on MySpace. He was more than an old friend, really. We had always flirted with one another and he had asked me out several times before but I always refused because he had a girlfriend at the time. It had been 5 years since I had talked to him. I left Kentucky on a whim and didn't tell anyone but my family I was leaving. I decided on a Friday, and left on a Sunday. I moved to Alabama, 500 miles away, and moved in with my now husband. So Mike and myself start catching up with one another. What we've done since we last saw one another, and who we are now. He tells me that he was heart broken when I left, that he had felt more for me than he was willing to admit at the time. Pretty soon, we were talking and sending text messages to each other all the time. He swept me off my feet. My husband had no idea what was going on, because he was never around. The last person I talked to before going to bed was Mike as my husband never came home until 1-2 in the morning, and when I woke in the mornings he had always left a text for me. He paid attention to me, I think this was the biggest thing.

    Anyway, Mike lived 500 miles away, near my mom. Before long, I was finding reasons to go home a lot. My mom was sick and loosing her home because her husband had passed away and i used all of this as an excuse as to why I was going home so much. My husband only went once, and even then i managed to ditch him for a few hours to meet up with Mike. He made me feel so good about myself. He made me feel ALIVE. Once, i even made up some lame story and managed to sneak away and go camping with this guy. He handled all the details, all I had to do was show up. Even when things were good with my husband I didn't get that treatment, I was the one who took care of everything. This guy was a cheesy romantic. And I liked that. I like that he took the time to think up these corny romantic gestures. I must admit, that during it all, I had a huge knot of guilt in my chest. I felt so bad for doing this to my husband, but on some level I felt he deserved it for ignoring me.

    In June, I decided to move back to Kentucky. I needed some time from my husband to clear my head and decide what I want. I told him when I left that I didn't know if it was over, but I needed some time apart. When I moved back to Kentucky, I only saw this guy twice. The first night i had came back, and then a week later i spent the day at his house with him. The day I spent at his house i told him i needed some space from him as well because I couldn't clearly decide what i wanted if I was wrapped up in him. He got angry, but let me have the space i needed. I spent a total of a month in Kentucky. Mostly I caught up with old friends and my family that i hadn't been able to spend a lot of time with in the past 5 years. After long heart to hearts with my husband, and him promising to make us a priority (and really follow thru with it this time) i went back to Alabama. When I told Mike, he was very upset and asked me to reconsider and give him a chance. I told him I was sorry and that I couldn't be with him without knowing that I really tried my hardest with my husband. I thought that my leaving was enough of a shock to make Brandon want to really take action this time. The first few weeks i was back it was wonderful.

    It all went downhill from there.

    I told him about Mike. He had suspected something for a while, and I couldn't lie to him when he asked me point blank. So I told him everything. He didn't react at all, other then to say ok. I was shocked. He didn't cry, he didn't get mad, he didn't shout. He just looked at me with this blank look and said, it's ok. I thought he was holding back, but he wasn't. Apparently he already knew, though I wouldn't find this out until several months later.

    While I was gone, he started drinking heavily. His friends were worried about him and what he would do. His best friend, whom he'd known pretty much his entire life, spent a lot of time with him. He got so worried about him once that he even sent his wife over to check on him because Keith was in Drill (for the national gaurd), as they lived just 3 minutes from us. HUGE mistake. Keith's wife was my friend. Or so i thought. She knew what was going on with Mike. She told my husband. I was in Kentucky at this time, she was talking to me every few days, and she took it upon herself to tell my husband. She then proceeded to seduce him and convince him it was ok. She had been having an affair for almost two years with a guy she worked with and had random one night stands with guys, but I never thought she'd go after my husband. Never, ever, in a million years. She was my friend, right? Wrong.

    When I came back it wasn't long before I started suspecting something between them. It wasn't so much that they talked more than ever before, it was the little things they thought nobody noticed. See, she is a very friendly person. Very flirty. She was this way with everyone. Whether they were 87 or 8. Male or female. During this time my husband became increasingly mean to me. He never hit me, but he said mean things to me. He'd leave me at home to go places with his "new friend" Anna. He started taking anti-depressants, at her urging (she was on several anti depressants and nerve meds). He told me it was all my fault he was taking them. I accused him and her of having an affair. They both denied it, of course. But I knew. In my heart, I knew. I vowed to not loose him. I wasn't going to give up just because he had. He insisted we spend almost every night at Keith and Anna's house. We had dinner there 5 out of 7 nights a week. Any time we went anywhere, they were with us or she was with us. I would sit across the table from her night after night, knowing what she was doing. When she'd smile at me and call me her "best friend" i was screaming inside. i wanted to rip her head off and spit down her throat. i had talked to Keith about this and the told me I was just guilty over what I had done and was paranoid because his wife was so friendly. Clearly she had him fooled.

    Naturally during this time i became more and more depressed. I felt major guilt over what I had done, I felt like it was all my fault. I had left and opened the window for her to crawl through. My husband told me it was over for now, he needed "time" too. We were supposed to go our seperate ways at the end of October. Then he decided it would be the end of November. I was clinging to him, and to any hope. During November, the week of Thanksgiving, while he was sound asleep i picked his cell phone up and looked in his text messages. After I had fallen asleep he and she had texted one another. He and i had a fight the night before because he didn't come home from Keith and Anna's house until like 4 in the morning. Keith of course was in bed by 10 as usual. I knew why he stayed that late. Anyway, when i opened his text messages and read them my heart stopped. My body started tingling. It was everything I had suspected laid out in front of me in black and white. They talked about how much they loved one another and trying to sneak away together for a night and how they'd eventually make it thru everything. I lost it. he woke up and took his phone from me. I was determined to keep the evidence in my hands. i don't know what difference that made. i'd seen it. but i was determined to keep it. I jumped on top of him and pinned him down by sitting on his chest with my knees on his arms. I had him in a police choke hold with my right arm while my left hand gripped his phone demanding he let go of his phone. He finally did. i flipped out. I screamed and cried and was shaking and got dressed and was going to leave right then. I was going to her house and was going to stomp her into the ground. I think I really lost my mind for about 20 minutes. He calmed me down and talked me into going to have some lunch with him so we could talk. He tried to convince me they were just joking around and that I was taking it all out of context. He didn't mean love like in love, just the kind of love friends have. yeah right. He begged me to believe him. He told me he was dealing with a lot and loved me and only me and wanted us to be together.

    When we came back from lunch i tried to leave with his phone still in my pocket. I was going to Keith with this. Another brawl broke out and I almost ran him over with my car. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, right? He turned his charm on and i agreed not to go. However, I did pack a bag and find myself a hotel room. That night, as I sat crying and huddled up against the wall in the shower, i made a decision. I decided that i would not give up. i had cheated on him and he on me, but I felt like we could make it through this. i just had to win him back.

    I put my game face on. I told him I believe him when he said they were just joking around and it had gone to far and nothing had ever happened. The next evening he had went somewhere with Keith and when he got back he decided to stay and have dinner with them. His mom proceeds to tell me that everyone in our neighborhood knows about him and Anna. That it is the hot topic for local gossip. That made me snap again. I got in my car and drove over there. He heard me come down their driveway. (it's out in the country and they have a looooong driveway.) He meets me outside. i get out and am screaming for Keith to come out at the top of my lungs. Brandon puts his hand over my mouth and is begging me to be quiet. I told him I would if he would swear to never go over there alone again. Of course he agreed to anything to get me to shut up. I got in the car, and so did he, and I peeled out and flew back home.

    Soon, so that Keith wouldn't "suspect" anything, we started going back over there twice a week, and on my terms. I glared at Anna the whole time. After about two weeks i called her up and asked her if she would like to go shopping with me after work. She agreed. I'm sure she was about to sh*t herself with nerves. We drove over there and the whole time Brandon was begging me to be nice and to not start trouble. She made a big deal about driving and i wouldn't let her. i would drive. This scared her even more. We went to an adult store. I bought all kinds of stuff that Brandon likes. Fishnets, shoes, whips and went on and on about doing something "special" for him. She was white as a sheet the whole time. She didn't say much. When we were on our way back she brought it all up. She proceeds to tell me that they really were just joking and they really have never had anything going on. I proceeded to say everything I could think of to make her doubt herself. i told her that I knew that they weren't really in love because if so then they would have taken my finding out as their opportunity to be together instead of Brandon begging me to stay with him and keep trying. I told her that I know that they didn't have anything going on because Brandon had told me once that he wouldn't ever be with her because she sleeps around so much she probably has an STD. She just about started crying.

    A few nights later she asks me bleach her hair for her. She has some nerve! So yeah, i bleached it for her all right. it ended up being two different colors and had splotches all over it. So...she let me do it again the next night to fix it! She really didn't get that i was doing this on purpose. I do people's hair for them all the time and never mess it up. I then proceeded to bleach it until I'm suprised it didn't break off. it looked hideous. parts of it were still a wierd shade of peach and other parts were snow white.

    Around the middle of December Brandon and i decide to move from that area, to a small town just about 30 minutes away. About a week later he wakes me at 2 in the morning. he's crying. he tells me the truth. he tells me EVERYTHING. Some things i wish i didn't know. I was suprisingly calm about it. i guess because I already knew. He begs me to forgive him. He tells me he wanted out for long time but she told him if he ended it then she would tell both me and Keith and then he would be alone and not have her or anyone. i did make a call to Keith that morning though. Apparently he had told Anna he was going to tell me, so she told Keith the same night. I told Keith even more though. Things she apparently was not planning on disclosing.

    This was on the 20th of December. On the 23rd of December, a sunday i think, I found out I was pregnant. Until this point I wasn't sure if I wanted to try anymore. I had the truth, and it hurt, and I wasn't sure I could deal with it. When I found out i was pregnant I decided that I owed it to my unborn child to keep trying. On the 26th, the day after Christmas, I stepped on a rusty nail in our garage. It almost went all the way through my foot. 4 days later I started bleeding and eventually miscarried a week later at 8 1/2 weeks. It was due August 18, in seven days. I was devestated. I felt like I was loosing my mind.

    Since then, things are better with myself and my husband emotionally. We're still working on things, and it's far from perfect.

    The new stress is that he hasn't worked in almost a year now and we're hurting financially. I'm the sole source of income. He won't get a job. He doesn't work on cars. So now we fight about that. He doesn't help much around the house, unless I nag him. I don't know what he does all day.

    I don't know how much more stress I can take in my life without having a complete meltdown.

    I think about everything that has happened on a daily basis. i feel guilt for cheating on my husband. I feel like if I hadn't have done that, then none of what followed would have happened. I feel guilt for hurting Mike. He's a good guy and didn't deserve to be hurt. I feel guilt for the loss of the baby, I feel like it was my punishment. I am angry at myself for not stomping Anna into the ground. Violence doesn't solve anything, but by God, punching her in the face would have made ME feel better! I question myself and my reasons for staying with my husband. Is it out of pride or guilt and not just the love i feel for him? And is love enough?

    I'm sorry this is so long. I intended to make it short and to the point, but once I started I couldn't stop.
    STOP MOUNTAIN TOP REMOVAL

  2. #2
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    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)

    Oh Ayla You have so many things happening here I don't think I can be much help other than reading (and in that manner listening)


    Not even sure if you are looking for advice or just need to vent.


    The only words I can offer would be to take this one step at a time. Looking at the BIG PICTURE is bound to overwhelm you with this much happening.

  3. #3
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    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)

    First of all for you Ayla.

    That has been a hectic ride. It is not strange that you are confused about things, and what to make of the situation, and everything involved.

    Faye is right, take one step at a time.

    Since then, things are better with myself and my husband emotionally. We're still working on things, and it's far from perfect.

    The new stress is that he hasn't worked in almost a year now and we're hurting financially. I'm the sole source of income. He won't get a job. He doesn't work on cars. So now we fight about that. He doesn't help much around the house, unless I nag him. I don't know what he does all day.
    As a marriage or any relationship requires trust, and commitment to each other, the job issue may fester away all the precious gains that have been made since January. It may sound like a harsh question, and it is not intended as such, but what does your husband do to enhance your life?
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  4. #4
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    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)

    Ayla, personally, IMHO, I think you are short-changing yourself, of course, this is only my opinion. I think you are awesome, I LOVE the hair-colour part, I LOVE what you did, she bl00dy well deserved it! Oh, gosh, I'm swearing!

    You weren't given any attention by your husband, and you talked to him about it. You just didn't suffer in silence, I commend you! He promised to change that, and it never happened. All of us crave some attention to show we matter, and when we don't get it, we just strive for it wherever it happens to come from.

    I, personally, think you are GREAT and standing up for yourself. You say that if you hadn't cheated that this might not have happened, how do you KNOW that? That woman is a REAL piece of work and no friend at all! I woudn't be going to their place for dinners or any Social occasion whatever. You DESERVE better! I would sever all ties and if your husband doesn't, then it's ultimatum time, IMO!
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    whos getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  5. #5
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    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)

    I don't think I can offer too many words of encouragement but I hope it all works out for you. I don't think you should feel guilty either. If he had his affair to spite you then he didn't really want to work it out and acted childishly. Not knowing the whole thing it is my opinion that they may have been doing something before you did. Do you know for sure this all started after your affair? I would have left him a long time ago if I were in your shoes. Kudos to you for being much stronger than me. If it helps, keep venting. I do agree you should take small bites and not try to swallow everything at once. Too overwhelming. My heart goes out to you.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  6. #6
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    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)

    Leave him.

    Beat the crap out of Anna. (Be sure you have bail money.)

    You'll feel better.


    BTW, you look hot in your new avatar.


  7. #7
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    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)

    I think you should just remove Anna from your life. She is not innocent but she has also been manipulated by the same man you were. She could have prevented this but so could he. She may have felt with him the same way you felt with Mike.


    That doesn't make it OK but it also doesn't make her Public Enemy #1. That title should be reserved for Keith IMHO


    Your relationship with Keith is the one that needs concentration. Whether saving it or ending it you will need to devote all of your time and energy to the task you choose. Do not waste anything more on this pitiful excuse for a "friend" She doesn't deserve your time or energy and she has her own battles she should be dealing with.

  8. #8
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    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)

    i got back at my ex by becoming friends with the women he cheated on me with, i found out that his version of the story wasnt quite true a lot of it didnt come together. i listened to her side of it, and realized that yes they were both to blame, but at the same time, she really did have feelings for him. and he just used her me and her are still really good friends

  9. #9
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    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)

    Hmmm... Let's see... The woman my ex was sleeping with pulled a gun on me in front of my son. I jumped her and beat the Holy Hell out of her. I didn't go to jail because it was in self-defense.

    I tried the "friends" routine at first, but she knew she was manipulating him and didn't care that we were married. So, when he tried to leave her, things got ugly.

    Don't pull a gun on me if you're not aiming to shoot. You'd better aim to kill.

    Oh and I felt tons better after I beat her to a pulp. Just sayin'.


  10. #10
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    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)

    I gotta meet you Ivy Rose. You said exactly what I was thinking but couldn't bring myself to say it.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  11. #11
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    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)

    girl power can kick a$s - and its such a beautiful thing!

  12. #12
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    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)

    Quote Originally Posted by PepsiChic View Post
    girl power can kick a$s - and its such a beautiful thing!
    I agree!

    One of my neighbours got a 'little too friendly' with my husband inviting him over for 'tea' years ago. She was supposed to be my friend, too, but it seemed there was always an opportunity to come out and visit with him when he was building the fence. Well, 'teatime' happened once too often and I B-L-E-W!!!!! She sold her place and moved out very shortly after that!

    I can take a lot, but when this redhead has reached the end of her rope, watch out! Mostly I'm just meek, mellow, and laid-back!

    I agree with Faye, that woman should be removed from your life......by whatever means necessary....except violence.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    whos getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  13. #13
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    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)

    No worries, Luba. I'm not going to kill her. lol

    I haven't seen or talked to her at all since December, when I found out. I made it clear to her that if I ever ran into her then I'd kick her butt, so if she saw me first she best run the other way. I told her I wouldn't come looking for her, but running into her somewhere is another thing all together. Also, her husband Keith made it very clear to my husband Brandon that he didn't want anything to do with him anymore. I mean, the two of them had been friends since they were boys so i knew that would happen.

    IvyRose, you have no idea how many times I've started to do exactly what you suggested!

    I don't trust my husband at all. Every time he goes somewhere I wonder if he's still meeting her somewhere. I wonder if while i'm at work if he's having her at my house, and if that's why he won't get a job. I don't want to live the rest of my life paranoid. I want to trust him again, but i don't know how.

    I know they are both to blame. He could have told her no many many times and he chose not to. He chose to continue to let her dictate our relationship. He chose to continue to treat me the way he did for so long. 7 months is a long time to put up with someone treating you like crap every day.

    I find that i am beginning to feel resentment toward him. I feel like... I put up with his affair in my face for so long. I put up with him being mean to me. I continued to love him. I want to work things out... and THIS is what i get in response? A husband who won't work, won't mow our grass, won't help out much around the house, doesn't even make love to me but once a freakin month? THIS IS WHAT I GET?

    I love him. He makes me laugh. He knows me like nobody else. I've talked to him until I'm blue in the face about getting a job, about how frustrated I am with it all. He always says "ok." That's it. Just Ok. Actions speak louder than words, but I'm not sure what his actions are telling me...

    I'm so thankful to have this forum, and all of you, to vent to and to have your comments and your advice.
    STOP MOUNTAIN TOP REMOVAL

  14. #14
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    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)

    Quote Originally Posted by Ayla View Post
    I find that i am beginning to feel resentment toward him. I feel like... I put up with his affair in my face for so long. I put up with him being mean to me. I continued to love him. I want to work things out... and THIS is what i get in response? A husband who won't work, won't mow our grass, won't help out much around the house,
    I can imagine some issue playing along, but the bolded part really makes me wonder if there is much of a future ... . I mean, even if you had the roles arranged, with you being in charge of the home, then certainly the bloody grass is not too much to deal with.

    It just seems:
    a) he does not know what to do
    b) he does know he does not want to do what you want him to do.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  15. #15
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    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)

    Ok, I admit I only read through most of your OP.

    Ayla, you don't have kids....YET.

    Once you do, this whole thing will change.


    It will NOT change for better.


    IMHO, you have one life. Live it the way YOU want to.


    Emphatically,
    Scott

  16. #16
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    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)

    Ayla, all I have to say is you deserve SO much more in your life than you are getting. He just seems 'stuck' and you are doing all the work.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    whos getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  17. #17
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    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)

    Quote Originally Posted by Ayla View Post
    Is it out of pride or guilt and not just the love i feel for him? And is love enough?

    I don't know you well enough to answer the first question - but the answer to the second is: No. Love has to be based upon something of value - i.e., it doesn't exist as some isolated emotion. If I were you, I'd try to define what love means to me and if this situation really fits that definition.

    My opinion: long term success in relationships depends just as much upon compatible lifestyles and mutual respect as it does on romantic love.

  18. #18
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    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)

    Ayla, what a dreadful story

    I've been trying to sort this all out in my head and in my heart for a long time now. My marriage and my life went thru hell and back over the past year and a half. I am having a very hard time dealing with everything that has happened. I want to move on. To put it behind me. I want to be happy again. I don't know how.
    Well, the starting point is the committment to be happy, for every change to be one that takes you towards happiness. Sorting it all out in your head and heart is essential, I'd continue to talk to people that help you achieve this. It sounds to me as though you are well on the road to doing this now.

    The guilt is a major problem. Whether or not you stay with your husband, you need to forgive yourself, Ayla, to do your penance, make amends as much as possible but, as you say, move on. No-one deserves a life time of punishment for something they regret and have tried to mend, to the best of their ability.

    Love is never enough. I know it feels it should be, but eventually, it never is. Trust, communication, respect, care of and for each other - these are essential too for healthy relationships. If you can work towards them together, if he has the motivation and capacity to do so, there may be hope. I think you already know you are not happy now and yes, you do deserve more.

    Love brings eternal optimism and belief in change. It seems to me that you have suffered a great deal for love, for duty too.

    Do you think your husband may be depressed, Ayla? Was there ever a time when he was the loving companion that you now need, or have your needs changed as you got older?

  19. #19
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    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)



    This is insane. I've have been trying so hard to make things right. I know this will take some time, for both of us. But how long is long enough? HOW LONG am I supposed to deal with no affection (EXCEPT for the once or twice a month HE feels frisky, then it's more like BRACE YOURSELF HERE IT COMES)? I just don't get it. I am affectionate toward him. I don't ask him to do much around the house. (he's working again, btw) I compliment him all the time and tell him how sexy he is and how much I love him. I try big things and little things. I smile at him from across the room. I touch his arm when I walk by him. He doesn't even kiss me other than a peck. I don't know what to do anymore. I always have to go to him for affection. I have to ask for a hug or ask him to kiss me. I shouldn't have to ALWAYS be the one to initiate affection. He says he is in love with me and cannot live without me but his actions don't say this at all. I manage to keep things suppressed but after a couple of weeks it all blows up inside me and we end up in a huge fight and that just makes things that much worse.

    I just needed to rant. I'm sorry if that doesn't make sense. I'm about to implode.
    STOP MOUNTAIN TOP REMOVAL

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    The Cloud of Unknowing
    Posts
    17,425

    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)

    I am so sorry to hear that Ayla .


    In a sense it seems like he is punishing you - both for your behavior towards Mike, as for his own behavior. Not healthy at all, and if nothing changes it is just waiting for the big implosion.

    I think Meanon summed it up well
    Quote Originally Posted by Meanon
    Love is never enough. I know it feels it should be, but eventually, it never is. Trust, communication, respect, care of and for each other - these are essential too for healthy relationships. If you can work towards them together, if he has the motivation and capacity to do so, there may be hope. I think you already know you are not happy now and yes, you do deserve more.
    Right now, the "together" part is not happening. And if that does not change, the two of you may be better of going seperate ways.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  21. #21
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere over the rainbow!
    Posts
    26,558

    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)

    Ayla, I believe as Vautrin does, it feels as if he is punishing you and when do you say enough is enough? BTW, was the fight about this problem or did it come on about something else? Fights have a way with dealing about other things than the real unresolved problem.

    You deserve more, you crave more, and as difficult as it is, maybe a separation would be the answer to give you both time to think what you really want for the rest of your lives.

    I'm a firm believer for working things out, but it takes two to do that, and it seems to me you are doing all the work.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    whos getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  22. #22
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    lifesupporters...
    Posts
    381

    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)

    I loved this part:
    A few nights later she asks me bleach her hair for her. She has some nerve! So yeah, i bleached it for her all right. it ended up being two different colors and had splotches all over it. So...she let me do it again the next night to fix it! She really didn't get that i was doing this on purpose. I do people's hair for them all the time and never mess it up. I then proceeded to bleach it until I'm suprised it didn't break off. it looked hideous. parts of it were still a wierd shade of peach and other parts were snow white.

    well done girl!
    btw i do hope you are not feeling guilty and drop him like a hot potatoe, you did all you could, i admire you
    Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.
    Dalai lama
    I love my doggies!

  23. #23
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    61

    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)

    First of all, big hugz to you!!! You have been thru soooo much and I admire the way you have handled it. Don't ever blame yourself for what he did. What he did was his fault no matter what.

    I hope the two of you can get past all of this. Might I also add you are an excellent writer and I was totally glued to this story until the end.

    Take care of you!

    Geri

  24. #24
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Posts
    3,288

    Re: GUILT (it's a long one)

    Quote Originally Posted by Ayla View Post


    He doesn't even kiss me other than a peck. I don't know what to do anymore. I always have to go to him for affection. I have to ask for a hug or ask him to kiss me. I shouldn't have to ALWAYS be the one to initiate affection. He says he is in love with me and cannot live without me but his actions don't say this at all. I manage to keep things suppressed but after a couple of weeks it all blows up inside me and we end up in a huge fight and that just makes things that much worse.

    I just needed to rant. I'm sorry if that doesn't make sense. I'm about to implode.
    It makes perfect sense. Ayla, the whole problem began in the first place because you felt neglected. I know you are trying to do what is right and give you both time, but it seems to me that supressing the feelings is not the way to go. It wasn't before (you fell for someone else) and now, as you say, you blow up and things get worse.

    Have you told him (when you are not angry) what you have posted and I have quoted above? Have you made it clear that you are not able to keep giving indefinitely if all he does is take?

    Either he is not capable of showing you the affection you need or he is still angry and thinks he can get away with punishing you indefinitely. If it's the former then there's not much that can be done to save the marriage but if he loves you and is still punishing you then he will stop when he realises he may lose you because of it.

    Look after yourself Ayla. Many of us have been at the point of imploding and lived to tell the tale - you will too

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