Results 1 to 8 of 8
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    southeast Pennsylvania
    Posts
    97

    How do others do it?

    I've tried everything I can to improve the communications between me and the ex because we're stuck dealing with each other until the littlest turns (at least) 18, and I know it affects the children. My (divorced) parents don't get along, and my siblings and I are all veeeery uncomfortable when the two of them are in the same room - and we're all adults (and they divorced almost 20 years ago)!

    I've tried reading books, talking with people, trying to keep my mouth shut, avoiding him when possible, even talking with the kids' therapist to see if she has any suggestions. I even went so far as to have my lawyer suggest to his last year that we go to see a therapist or some kind of mediator together. That suggestion was completely ignored. I even switched lawyers, in part because I thought the previous one might be making the situation worse.

    I try to shield my kids from the controversy, but I won't cover for him anymore.

    Anyone have any suggestions?

    newstart

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere over the rainbow!
    Posts
    26,558

    Re: How do others do it?

    Why is he so hateful? What was his childhood like? Is his family cold and controlling? The reason for my questions is to find out what kind of background he came from.

    I think eventually he is going to lose out by his terrible behaviour. I honestly think, by being the loving parent you are, and so fair to the man, what else can you do? You are thinking of your children and they know that in their hearts.

    I think you are doing everything you can that is in the best interest of your children.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    southeast Pennsylvania
    Posts
    97

    Re: How do others do it?

    Quote Originally Posted by Luba View Post
    Why is he so hateful? What was his childhood like? Is his family cold and controlling? The reason for my questions is to find out what kind of background he came from.

    I think eventually he is going to lose out by his terrible behaviour. I honestly think, by being the loving parent you are, and so fair to the man, what else can you do? You are thinking of your children and they know that in their hearts.

    I think you are doing everything you can that is in the best interest of your children.
    He's hateful for several reasons, I'm sure. One, I think he really can't deal with the fact that I'm happy without him. My sister said she's read about guys like him - they tend to think of their women as property, and don't want anyone to 'have' them even if they don't want them. I think it doesn't help that he has some issues (prejudice) with my husband - he has problems with people of different backgrounds (anything other than European white, Catholic is a "no no"). I think it bothers him that his ex wife is now with someone 'different' (how dare I) and am happy. He made quite a few comments before my husband got here, accusing him of all kinds of things. The thing is, before the government will let someone in the country, they have to pass background security and medical checks. I've even heard him my ex make comments that prove that he's prejudiced against overweight people (calls them lazy, says they aren't any good, etc). Two, he's as warm and cuddly as a frozen cactus, and my husband and I are the opposite. An example - we met at the doctor office today for my son's appointment (a follow up from when he passed out and hit his head last week), and as soon as they walked through the door, my son ran from his father's side to hug my husband, and then me (they're with their father today).

    But yes, his family is rather cold and very controlling. They're very concerned about appearances. Right after the divorce, my ex was trying to tell me where to live, how to spend my money (he called it 'his' money, since it was alimony and child support), and what to do for a living! He said things in the past that made it sound like he thought his parents didn't want to bother with him. I had sympathy for him, and did my best to be close to him, buy him little gifts, etc, but he always pushed me away and said I was "smothering" him. He finally seemed happiest when I gave up on the marriage, and decided to just go through the motions. Then he filed for divorce. I think it really bothered him that my reaction was one of relief, not of loss. My sister was really surprised - she said I acted like he walked on water. I told her that that is how I treat someone when I'm in a relationship. But after so many years of being insulted, ignored, and pushed away, the feelings just died.

    That's the thing - I pride myself of being able to understand people, and learn to work with them. I can almost always smooth things over with someone (whether it's an upset child, cranky cat, or even an irate adult) - if something is bothering them, or even when I'm part of the problem. But with my ex, I just can't get anywhere. I had my previous lawyer suggest we go to counseling so we can learn how to (finally) communicate - for the benefit of the children. He didn't agree.

    Oh well. I just have to hang in there until they're all grown up, do my best with them, and try to make sure they're ok. That's for the compliment and encouragement!

    newstart

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    1,209

    Re: How do others do it?

    I had my Ex sign over his parental rights. That's how I handled it.

    Sorry, can't give any advice in that area.

    I can say that the loss of money was very well worth it.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere over the rainbow!
    Posts
    26,558

    Re: How do others do it?

    Just a thought, but do you show the buttons he's pushed to make you angry, and he see's that? If you get upset in front of him when he says something nasty, he probably is quite happy about making you miserable; like he won again. He seems to want to do everything possible to upset you. I'm just thinking, is it possible not to show him how you are feeling inside No matter what he says? Just tell him you'll walk away until he's more reasonable. If you don't let him pin you down on any subject at all, maybe eventually he'll give up, I don't know. He won't be getting a payoff anymore because he sees you aren't getting upset, you're not going to take any of his antics seriously, so maybe, just maybe, he'll back off even a little. You'll still be the decent, kind woman that you are, and he won't be getting any payoff, and maybe he'll start living his life for a change.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Under your bed.
    Posts
    27,811

    Re: How do others do it?

    Quote Originally Posted by newstart View Post
    I've tried everything I can to improve the communications between me and the ex because we're stuck dealing with each other until the littlest turns (at least) 18, and I know it affects the children. My (divorced) parents don't get along, and my siblings and I are all veeeery uncomfortable when the two of them are in the same room - and we're all adults (and they divorced almost 20 years ago)!

    I've tried reading books, talking with people, trying to keep my mouth shut, avoiding him when possible, even talking with the kids' therapist to see if she has any suggestions. I even went so far as to have my lawyer suggest to his last year that we go to see a therapist or some kind of mediator together. That suggestion was completely ignored. I even switched lawyers, in part because I thought the previous one might be making the situation worse.

    I try to shield my kids from the controversy, but I won't cover for him anymore.

    Anyone have any suggestions?

    newstart
    I don't believe my ex and I have the same level of controversy in our relationship but that may be my perception of the situation only. I am quite sure that she thinks I'm this big loser because whenever we do quibble that always seems to be one of the first things out of her mouth.

    I can say that we are not friends because I have good friends and I know how good friends relate to each other. Quite honestly I think we simply swap tolerance in one another so when our child reaches 18 it's extremely likely we'll rarely (if ever) talk to each other again.

    Of course I personally don't care what she or anyone thinks of me, the only person whose opinion really matters here is that of my daughter so as long as she's happy, I'm happy.
    My Daughter Rules!

    Band of Others: Are you a Gamer looking for a home, look no more bro!

    Ofear.com: Confronting fears, phobias, and panic attacks, in a friendly online community.

    Movie Talk: Like discussing movies, tv and streaming media, well so do we.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    southeast Pennsylvania
    Posts
    97

    Re: How do others do it?

    Quote Originally Posted by Luba View Post
    Just a thought, but do you show the buttons he's pushed to make you angry, and he see's that? If you get upset in front of him when he says something nasty, he probably is quite happy about making you miserable; like he won again. He seems to want to do everything possible to upset you. I'm just thinking, is it possible not to show him how you are feeling inside No matter what he says? Just tell him you'll walk away until he's more reasonable. If you don't let him pin you down on any subject at all, maybe eventually he'll give up, I don't know. He won't be getting a payoff anymore because he sees you aren't getting upset, you're not going to take any of his antics seriously, so maybe, just maybe, he'll back off even a little. You'll still be the decent, kind woman that you are, and he won't be getting any payoff, and maybe he'll start living his life for a change.
    I do my best to ignore him. I've told him we need to communicate through email because it's the best way. Easiest for me to cover my irritation, for one thing (not that I told him that).

    The thing is, we were together for 19 years (4 dating, then 15 married) and he KNOWS that my children are the only way to get to me. That's why he does things like accuse me (through letters to his lawyer, and to child services) of being a bad or abusive mother. I see that the courts are catching on - two judges have already ignored his false allegations. It's only a matter of time, I hope. It's just trying to hang in there emotionally and financially. And of course, protecting my children. I feel bad for them.

    newstart

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Under your bed.
    Posts
    27,811

    Re: How do others do it?

    The good news is that your kids are not blind to the situation and will (if they haven't already) decide for themselves who is acting in their best interests. While it may appear the ignorant have the upper hand over the short term, I believe that righteousness will prevail in the long run.

    Just stick to doing right by your children and they'll be there for you over the long haul which may not be the case for dad.
    My Daughter Rules!

    Band of Others: Are you a Gamer looking for a home, look no more bro!

    Ofear.com: Confronting fears, phobias, and panic attacks, in a friendly online community.

    Movie Talk: Like discussing movies, tv and streaming media, well so do we.

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •