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  1. #1
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    Unwanted Separation

    I am a 34 year old male that has been married for ten years in Texas to what I thought was the love of my life. I have felt that there was a lack of respect from my wife since the beginning of the marriage. I have two boys one 9 and one 5 and I told my wife that if she did not want to that she did not have to work and that I would support her and the family and she could stay home with the boys due to some problems she ran into at work. I have poured my complete heart into her and given her everything she has asked for. About four years ago I noticed she was acting very distant and I asked what was wrong and she would not talk to me about it. I then became very concerned and began looking. I found flirt emails to an ex boyfriend talking about sex but when confronted I envaided her privacy and she swore that nothing had happened between them. I then found more later via text. This stopped for a year and then a new friend popped into the picture which I ended up finding texts on in regards to not having sex but just sex talk. When confronted she said nothing happened just for fun. About a year ago my wife told me that she wanted to go to an event for a club that she belonged to in Atlanta. She said that she was going to stay with a friend which was a guy that i did not know and was honest about this to save money. I said I was not to comfortable with this and she said just a friend. Well about two months after the event I find nude photos going back and forth between the two but my wife had captions on hers stating sexual actions she wanted done. She again says nothing to it. Then the straw that broke camels back was on my brothers wedding night when she got drunk and i saw texts that had taken place during the night between her and this guy about how much they love each other and want to snuggle and kiss but when confronted again nothing but this time my wife is unhappy and wants to move out. She says that she does not have anyone she wants to be with and will not for a long time but she has become friends with all of his friends and he hers. They are all over each others myspace and facebook accounts making comments. Nothing sexual but just very regularly. I want to make this work because I love her and I dont want to break apart the family. We only dated 3 months before she got pregnant with my first son and I knew I loved her so I married her. The only thing I can get from her when I tell her this or when I tell her I want to work it out is that it is going to take time and she has alot of hate in her heart for me and that she cant see it getting fixed. There is too much to fix. Do I need to just leave her be or do I need to continue trying to woo her again? Seems like the more I talk to her the more irritated she gets. I have never looked outside of the marriage and have been a great dad but I know that sometimes my temper would flare with these situations I stated and I would say hurtful things but I would think she would understand that I was completely beside myself dealing with my wife showing love elsewhere which I have asked for for ten years. Please help I do not know what to do and how to handle. My wife has also always complained that I do not pick up after myself but the funny thing is I do the dishes, laundry, vacuum, cook, bath the boys get them ready for bed and seems like everything else on top of work 50 hours a week. Proof everyone that comes by the house since she has moved out has commented on how clean the house looks all of the sudden. Please help I am old school and dont believe in divorce but looks like heading that way.

  2. #2
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    also my wife is 30 and for about 4 years has decided it is ok to stay out till three in the morning with her friends and spend the night at friends houses. I just recently found out that she did cocaine and it worries me. I dont want her to ruin her life and I dont want her to affect my boys. She tells me that she wants me to be independent. We put ground rules down for the separation and one was no dating or sex with others. She comes over sparatically and wants sex from me then says after each time that it was a bad idea cause I show loving emotions and act dif once done. It is strange seems like I only get respect and her attention if I am mean to her. I hate this cause I am not a mean person.

  3. #3
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    It sounds like your wife feels she married too young and is now curious about the dating world. I assume your children are fairly independent now and don't need her as much, so she has more free time to think about other things.

    If I were you, I'd step back a little bit and let her do what she needs to do. She was very young when she married and had children. This sometimes brings insecure feelings down the long road of a forever marriage. Time apart from each other can be good sometimes. It doesn't mean that it is the end of your relationship, but it can give you both time to work on yourselves and actually become closer.

    She is trying to find herself again. Take this time to find yourself too.

  4. #4
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    She does say that she wants to see me become independent. I really appreciate your reply. It just kills me cause I have been completely faithful and am so family oriented. I will do what it takes.

  5. #5
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    Quote Originally Posted by budbundy View Post
    She does say that she wants to see me become independent. I really appreciate your reply. It just kills me cause I have been completely faithful and am so family oriented. I will do what it takes.
    The sad part is a lot of us do this however it never seems to be enough for the other person or perhaps, enough of the right thing to keep your partner happy.

    I'm still not sure entirely if it's a sign of some sort of shortcoming on your behalf or if it's just and excuse used by your partner to bring legitimacy to her acts of moving on but rest assured, it is a common issue.
    My Daughter Rules!

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  6. #6
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    Welcome to Lifesupporters budbundy. I am sorry to hear that you are in this kind of situation with your wife right now.You said that you have noticed the changes in your wife four years ago, I hope you don't mind me asking, Do you think that you have done something that may have caused the changes in her ?

    The only thing I can get from her when I tell her this or when I tell her I want to work it out is that it is going to take time and she has alot of hate in her heart for me and that she cant see it getting fixed. There is too much to fix. Do I need to just leave her be or do I need to continue trying to woo her again? Seems like the more I talk to her the more irritated she gets.
    Maybe you can try having a heart to heart talk with your wife and understand the root of your problem. If she refuses to be honest with her feelings and open up to you, then at least you can tell yourself that you gave your marriage a decent shot. If she is involved with another person at the moment then I think chasing after her will just do you more harm than good. I wish you the best budbundy! There are a lot of people here on LS that can give you great advice, so please do stick around and just hang in there. Things will eventually get better, just don't lose faith sending you hugs and prayers.
    " Begin with the ending in mind ~ Stephen Covey "

  7. #7
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    Angry Re: Unwanted Separation

    Thank you all for your help. I can already see a change in my oldest son. He Immediately comes running to me when I get to her apartment to pick them up and is extremely loving. He seems to be very to himself though and does not want to open up anymore when he used to be very outgoing. I hate that the kids are going through this. I do not know what to do because she stated that she wants me to not be afraid to speak my mind about things that irritate me about her so during a text I advised her that I did not like that she spent all day on the computer when she was home with the boys, did not ever cook, did not clean or be a homemaker or mom while she was here and then when I got home she would run out the door to go hang with her new friends till 3am or whenever. She replied that the only reason she did these things was because she was not happy with me and then later on in texts or verbally she brings the stuff I said up as being verbally abusive. I try to do what she says then she uses it against me. She has said that she wants to see a counselor on her own. She keeps advising me to go also on my own. She also keeps telling me that after everything she has done to me she does not understand why I would want to be with a person like that that can not give me the love and respect that I need. I grew up with the upbringing that when you marry someone that it is for life. I am all about that and it is tough. I messed up today and texted the guy that she sent the pics to and is all over her facebook and asked if he was seeing my wife and why he is all up in her business and that I needed to know if they are together so I can let go if this is the case. The guy immediately turns around and sends my text to my wife who in return texts me with Really!?. I text him back and told him I wanted to handle man to man and did not understand why he had to cry to my wife and tell on me. He never responded. My wife responded with You have been ugly and verbally abusive (when I told her what I did not like) and invaded my privacy on facebook, You are making accusations and I feel I have been honest and as respectful as possible. I told her I will give her space. Not sure what should have done?

  8. #8
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    Quote Originally Posted by budbundy View Post
    She also keeps telling me that after everything she has done to me she does not understand why I would want to be with a person like that that can not give me the love and respect that I need.
    I have to ask the same thing. I understand the old school and staying with who you married but everyone has their limits. You deserve better. And no one should be this unhappy for the rest of their life. Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed, not endured. She seems to want to go so let her go. Find someone who will love and respect you for you. Don't settle for second best. I used to be old school too but the longer I live the more I think a person deserves an enjoyable life and if they don't have it now they should keep looking. You need to take care of you and the kids. Just my opinion. Sorry if it seems harsh but life takes us where it takes us and we need to adjust.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  9. #9
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    Thank you so much. I will stop the fight and just try to keep doing the right thing. Thank you to everyone here again. This is a great site.

  10. #10
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    We are here for you no matter what your decision. You will find support and comfort as best as we can provide. I hope you will continue to join us and let us get to know you even better. Take care.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  11. #11
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    Thank you. It really hurts and I have other girls wanting me to go out with them. I am not ready and I feel really out of place when I force myself to go out. I dont want them I want my boys my wife and my life back.

  12. #12
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    Life doesn't provide us with the smoothest or straightest path and it's my opinion that adversity and how we deal with it is what forms the basis of our character.

    It doesn't matter what hand life deals you budbundy, the one thing you can always count on is us being here for you regardless if you're up, down or sideways
    My Daughter Rules!

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  13. #13
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    Does anyone have any tips on how to provide space that is wanted by your spouse during separation? It is SOOOO hard not to look at her facebook or myspace or to call and text her.

  14. #14
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    That's a good question, unfortunately I don't think there's really an answer for it. If a split was mutually decided upon then giving all the space in the world would be easy for all parties concerned but splits are rarely mutual so one person usually suffers a bit more.

    The only thing I can suggest is to remind yourself that checking up on her is not only against her wishes but also not helping you deal with your issues. The more you remind yourself to be vigilant, the faster you'll move forward and the easier it will get in time.

    Just remember, it always gets easier in time.
    My Daughter Rules!

    Band of Others: Are you a Gamer looking for a home, look no more bro!

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  15. #15
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    hi budbundy.just remember that you are doing it for yourself and for your children. you will just be going back to square one everytime you give in to your emotions. I know that it is easier said than done. It is going to be really hard. I know because I am also fighting the same battle, but what can we do? really? We can't control another person. Even if we think of them all day doesn't mean that things will get better or get back to how it used to be.
    The time will eventually come when you and your wife will be both be ready to talk. At least you are not pregnant like me, you can do a lot of things to distract yourself Wishing you the best budbundy
    " Begin with the ending in mind ~ Stephen Covey "

  16. #16
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    You are right it actually seems to make things worse the more I try. I am taking the boys camping and make sure that they have a great time every time they are with me. My oldest whose 9 just runs up to me and holds me as if he never wants to let me go each time I pick them up. It is so sad even though we are trying to make sure to put a happy face on when they see us together I can still see the impact it is having on them and I cant help but wonder why my wife cant see this or chooses not to. I am probably wrong for thinking this way but it seems as if she is only thinking of herself and not those who should be dearest to her. I also went to a birthday party I was invited to with her side of the family and she did not come. The whole family just kept telling me how much they loved me and how sorry and sad they are that this is happening.

  17. #17
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    It is our choice to be the best parent we can be for our children budbundy but we can 't make the same choice for our husband or wife. We wish our children can have both good parents, but there is only so much can we do. Sometimes we just have to make the most out of what we have. It is sad because we didn't dream this for our kids, but we have to put up a happy face and try to do everything to be strong for them even if we are hurting.
    Just hang in there and always remember that you are not alone.
    " Begin with the ending in mind ~ Stephen Covey "

  18. #18
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    Well I have stopped calling and texting letting her know that I loved her and that I miss her and have really been making myself be very strong not to call or text her for two days. I did have to text her but it was concerning one of the bills. Just business. I have been really thinking about the marriage and I do love her but I am coming to terms that she has never given me the love that I needed and she has never respected me even to call and let me know she was ok when it was three or more in the morning and I was up worried sick while home with the boys. I don't know why I let her treat me this way and still worked so hard to keep us together. It is so hard not to text or call even though I know that all I am going to get in return is rudeness or no response. She is not ready and I do not know if she will ever be. Question? If I call to tell the boys goodnight or see how their day went just the little bit of me saying hi can I talk to the boys, is that ruining the distance she wants and hurting the chances of her missing me. I dont want the boys or her to think I dont care I do. I think about them all day and all night. I miss them. I just dont know if hurting to call and not talk to her but to say hi to my boys. This really is terrible and I just keep thinking what in life is so important that you break up a family and put your kids through this mess. For what to find yourself, to get with another person that has different problems or to play games and try to see how much the other really will try to save you. I dont get it. Why can't people just show love and affection. I hate to quote this but why can't we all just get along. Also why do men of today have zero respect for marriage and family, seems they want one thing and that is all the care they have in it. Extremely Sad. I hope they one day see all the pain they cause.

  19. #19
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    I think calling to talk to your kids is fine. Just make sure that is all you do. Hang in there. You are doing good.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  20. #20
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    I am happy to hear that you managed not to call your wife for two days budbundy. I think you should congratulate yourself everytime you' re able not to give in to your emotions I know how depressing and painful it can be see your marriage falling apart but atleast now you know where you stand. There will be more realizations, questions, doubts and fears. And I think that it will help if you mentally prepare yoursef for the days to come because there will be days when you REALLY have to struggle and fight the loneliness.

    I think that this is the time when your kids need you the most Is there a way for you to get through to them without going through your wife first? I just think that it's a bad idea to talk to her right now unless it is something that concerns the kids.

    Good luck budbundy Take good care of yourself . We are here for you
    " Begin with the ending in mind ~ Stephen Covey "

  21. #21
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    I, too, am old school, BB (hope you don't mind shortening to initials) and believe in doing everything possible to save a relationship, but it does take two. You seem to be doing everything in your power to work it out, and at this point, it's just not happening.

    I do admire and respect you for the fathering of your boys. If you can stay strong for your boys and spending as much time as possible with them, at least that will be very positive for them. There is nothing that can change your wife unless she wants to change, and it doesn't seem so now. You can only carry on in the best way possible for you and your boys, staying strong for yourself and them, hugging them, loving them, laughing with them, making as normal a life as possible for them in this insane time for all of you.

    You should be able to call your children and talk to them and have them call you. If she wants space at this time, talk to her as little as possible unless it concerns the boys. If she gets confrontational, you don't even have to go there; just politely close it off.

    Even though I haven't posted yet, BB, I have been following this thread very closely and just want to tell you that love sometimes doesn't overcome an extremely toxic situation.

    Stay strong! We care for you here!
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  22. #22
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    Ok so I really appreciate the help and support that you have provided. Quick update I text my wife to make sure all was well with her and the boys and I got no response. I go on facebook to find pictures of my wife with Matt the guy she sent nude pics to and I found the text messages from at a bar with friends and her sitting in his lap and he hugging her. I text her saying I would like to talk and she did not reply. I text her again asking if she wanted a divorce and she finally text back and said Yes. I am waiting on her call to work out the details. I am tired and I think this is only the beginning.

  23. #23
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    I am So sorry you are going through this!

    Just know we're here to listen. Just vent all you need to. You have friends here.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  24. #24
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    I am sorry too budbundy. Now maybe you can move on, close this chapter in your life and find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. Good luck and keep returning as much as you need to. We are here for you.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  25. #25
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    Re: Unwanted Separation

    WOW you've got a lot going on man.
    I think she took advantage of your kindness in the beginning. IvyRose's comments were right on about her possibly marrying too young and being curious about dating other ppl or if she should have settled down when it sounds like she is definitely NOT ready to settle down at all.
    The going out til 3am, staying at friends houses....the worst one: INFORMING YOU that she was staying at another GUYS house even though she KNEW you wouldn't approve and she did it anyway and lied to you about the reasons! Seriously, if you loved someone so deeply, you would NEVER put yourself in that kind of situation. I would rather give up my last $20 to get her a cheap motel room than her save money by staying with some random guy.
    I feel for you, I really do. But you cannot keep dragging yourself through the mud over and over again by hovering over her myspace/facebook, texting her or anyone of interest, etc. She has made a transition without you, while you were still living together. I think she loves you in a certain kind of way, but not the same kind of "marriage is forever" type way that was instilled in you all your life.
    What she wants is not the same thing you want. You want to settle down, have a happy life with a wife who you know is taking care of the household and the kids by day, loving you and being with you when you get home from work at night. She has already pushed her kids to the side (during the day on teh comp sending dirty pics/flirty msgs etc) to do what SHE wants. She has already told you what she is doing and didn't ask for your permission or good graces. She is doing anything and everything she can behind and in front of you.
    I am currently separated with my own issues, so I know how this is going to sound, but I think you need to let her go.
    Maybe once she matures, has all these sexual experiences she desires....she will remember the real family life she gave up and want it back...but if I were you, I would expect that (in maybe months or years to come) and make a plan to be totally independent and moved on by then...
    That way you won't be dragged back down into this and taking the kids along for another bumpy ride.
    You sound like you have your head on right and you know what you want in life--so go for it!! this is your chance!!
    Good luck to you.......I know its a lot harder than it sounds, but start telling yourself you deserve better than that and you will get what you deserve.

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