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  1. #1
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    Scared of my sister

    Hey everyone, it's been a while since I've last been on this forum. I apologize for not updating people on how I've been doing. I have a dilemma right now and I need a bit of help.

    My sister is a self-centered person. She recently came back from a trip to Alberta. She is almost 19. She is loud, aggressive, and most of all abusive. I'm almost convinced sometimes that even my parents are afraid of her.

    Every week my family goes to my nan's house for supper. I've had to stop going three weeks ago because of my sister. The last time I was there I was too afraid to be in the same room as her. If I say anything or do anything she doesn't agree with she trys her best to call me off on it. And when I ignore her, or try to go away she starts yelling and follows me around. My dad has stuck up for me a few times, and often gets furious with the way she treats me.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I tried to go over a few minutes ago, but had to walk back, I was afraid of having a panic attack. I would never want to in front of my grand parents. So I'm home now.

    I love my nan very much, she's 86, and I want to spend as much time as possible with her, but I can't with my sister around. There is one chair for her at the dinner table, that of which I was sitting when she was away. But now that she's back I have to sit in the kitchen with my brothers. I don't get to sit next to her like I always liked. I really don't know how to put up with that. My nan is always her best around me it seems. My mom often dislikes what my nan says, but I really enjoy it. I enjoy knowing that she is her happiest around me. It makes me feel good and I'm sure it does her some good too. She's got Alzheimer, so anything that keeps her going is good.


    So what do I do? Walk back over and try to put up with it? Or just stay home and make my own supper?
    "Just remember, when you are having a bad day that someone else has it even worse than you do"

  2. #2
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    Re: Scared of my sister

    I say quit letting her push you around and go have dinner with you grandma. Ignore her if you can and only answer if you can't avoid it.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  3. #3
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    Re: Scared of my sister

    Quote Originally Posted by TKDLady View Post
    I say quit letting her push you around and go have dinner with you grandma. Ignore her if you can and only answer if you can't avoid it.
    I didn't go over after. It makes me mad knowing my mother and father wont do anything about it, just let it happen...
    "Just remember, when you are having a bad day that someone else has it even worse than you do"

  4. #4
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    Re: Scared of my sister

    If they won't help you then you need to stand up for yourself. I am sure they wouldn't let her physically hurt you. Sorry you chose not to go over and eat with your grandmother. Hope you can get past this soon.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  5. #5
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    Re: Scared of my sister

    Mike, I miss seeing you here and wonder about how you are doing. I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well for you with your sister.

    May I ask why she is 'picking' on you? Have you tried talking to her in a gentle manner? She may be picking on you because you may be an easy target for her. She knows she can get to you. She sounds like she's got quite a few problems, but if she sees that she can't get to you no matter what, she may start leaving you alone. Just a thought.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    whos getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  6. #6
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    Re: Scared of my sister

    Quote Originally Posted by Luba View Post
    Mike, I miss seeing you here and wonder about how you are doing. I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well for you with your sister.

    May I ask why she is 'picking' on you? Have you tried talking to her in a gentle manner? She may be picking on you because you may be an easy target for her. She knows she can get to you. She sounds like she's got quite a few problems, but if she sees that she can't get to you no matter what, she may start leaving you alone. Just a thought.
    I really don't want to hear her yell anymore, it really hurts me to hear someone yell in my face, and that's what she does if I try to stand up for myself. She has been picking on me since I was a little kid... Some times when my parents weren't home she would really hurt me, and when I fought back mother would come home and punish me... That's what really hurt me, started the anxiety.. knowing that she could do what ever she wanted and I was helpless to stop it. Back then I had no where to go. Now I do, but I really don't want to confront her.
    "Just remember, when you are having a bad day that someone else has it even worse than you do"

  7. #7
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    Re: Scared of my sister

    I am in the same situation sometimes. At first I tend to fight my sister back but I realized it isn't good so what I did is every time she yells at me I'm just giving her a smile then as if my ears are close and didn't hear anything.

    ____________________
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    Last edited by Duke; 08-28-2009 at 12:02 PM. Reason: Offsite Links Removed

  8. #8
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    Re: Scared of my sister

    I don't understand why your parents let your sister 'rule the roost'. Why you don't seem to have a voice in your family. I'm glad you have a place to go to, if I understand that correctly, but you shouldn't have to leave your home because of your sister's tirades.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    whos getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  9. #9
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    Re: Scared of my sister

    I hate looking like a total jerk here so please forgive me if I come across as such but you NEED to stand up to her mo and not make excuses to not do so. This is one life lesson that will continue to get the better of you if you don't start standing up for yourself as later in life your sister will be the least of your issues.

    I wouldn't even consider this your parents fault whatsoever as they view the world through parent goggles which are usually glossed over by love of ones child and a perception (not full understanding) of what kind of child they are raising. The best thing you can do for yourself here is to just lose whatever expectation you have about them intervening at some level because if it hasn't happened already it will never happen.

    Years ago I took a course on how to deal with different personalities as I was in Sales at the time and the one thing that stood out in that course above all else is the statement "The way people treat you is 100% your fault".

    This one phrase alone has stuck with me for years and has been responsible for my own "relationship cleaning" over the years. While it did help to enrich my understanding of the human condition it also helped me to clearly define my own limits and then enforce them.

    I'm sorry my dear friend but you only have one of two choices here:

    1) Stop making excuses and stand up to her, regardless of the situation you find yourself in

    ...or

    2) Get used to it.

    On a more personal note, your sister sounds like she's either a bully or a coward, both are pretty much the same thing. Both bullies and cowards derive their strength from perceived inadequacies of those around them and use aggressive actions to validate these perceptions. In other words you're just feeding her ego every time you let her get away with it.

    Do yourself a favor and stand up to her now and for all time. You may feel a bit uncomfortable at first but that WILL PASS and you'll gain a whole new level of self confidence. Even better still, standing up to your sister will arm you with the essentials to not allow others to try in the future.

    Good luck.
    My Daughter Rules!

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  10. #10
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    Re: Scared of my sister

    Amen Duke. I know it is hard Mo but you are the only one who can fix this. You will run into jerks the rest of your life. You need to learn how to deal with them and move on.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  11. #11
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    Re: Scared of my sister

    Thanks you two. When the situation occurs again, I WILL stand up for myself... Duke, that made a whole lot of sense. Thank you so much guys.

    --- On a completely off-topic note:

    Remember my first post on this forum, I said that I tried smoking weed once... Well I told the people I did it with not to tell my sister, cause she would surely tell my parents. Well not too long ago, like 10 minutes ago my sister called me on her cell phone... She said 'I smoke weed! If you ever want to smoke a joint with me let me know! Someone told me you smoked weed before, is it true?' ... I told her 'who told you' and she said 'What?!' I said 'I mean who would tell you a thing like that?' she said 'Oh my friends sister just said her little brother tried weed and I thought of you' She then said 'If you ever want to smoke some weed with your big sister, let me know.' I said 'well I'm pretty sure it wouldn't work so great with my medication.' Then she hung up...

    She just came home two minutes ago... I think she told my father.... I'm not sure though and I don't want to jump to conclusions... What should I do? Forget about it? I know I shouldn't have said that first thing... but I thought she knew...

    Wow this is going to worry me forever... I know my parents would kill me if they knew I smoked weed that while back............Again, what should I do????

    Mike...
    "Just remember, when you are having a bad day that someone else has it even worse than you do"

  12. #12
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    Re: Scared of my sister

    You can either admit to it or deny it, it's really your choice. I never admitted to my folks that I smoked weed until years later when I was out of the house. I know my dad had a strong idea I'd tried it but I don't believe my mom ever formed an opinion one way or another.

    It's really up to you whether or not you tell them but I wouldn't sweat it too much, it's only weed any many people do it.
    My Daughter Rules!

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  13. #13
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    Re: Scared of my sister

    Quote Originally Posted by Duke View Post
    It's really up to you whether or not you tell them but I wouldn't sweat it too much, it's only weed any many people do it.
    My father told me one time... That if I were to stay away from drinking and smoking until I were 20, I would probably stay away from it for the rest of my life.

    I really don't want my father to know that I disobeyed him and did it before I was 20... I know everyone tries different things in their lifetimes... I just wish I didn't... Although I know now what it does to me, bad or good, it isn't what I want. I don't want to be high all the time. I don't want to be a druggie spending $10 a day on weed, and eventually get sick of it and try something that gives me a bigger high... I know too many people already that are like that, and it's a sin, they do bad in school, they are out of order, it's just not what I want so I am going to stay away from it.

    I have imagined telling my parents.. I know they wouldn't be pleased. I know that they will probably be happy when I say that I wont ever do it again. But just the fact that they know that about me, that I was influenced by a drug... It's just something I don't want them to realize about me. I've never been drunk in my life. And they know that, but for them to know that I was high before I was drunk would just hurt them... I know some people say that weed is less hurt to your body than alcohol is. I can't agree or disagree on that.

    What do you think they will say to me Duke? What were your parents reactions when you told them?

    Thanks,
    Mike
    "Just remember, when you are having a bad day that someone else has it even worse than you do"

  14. #14
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    Re: Scared of my sister

    I don't really recall my parents reactions when I told them but I'm pretty sure neither were all that surprised.

    I honestly don't see it being a big deal at all really but that's just me, maybe I'm too liberal? If my daughter were to tell me she experimented puffing the cheeba I don't think I'd be upset, heroin, PCP, Cocaine, Crack, etc., are all much more worrisome.

    All you did was experiment with a drug which depending on who you talk to is far less harmful than smoking and drinking yet both are legal. I also don't believe that if you refrain from something for X amount of time that you will never try it. If that were the case there would be far more virgins in the world.

    The only thing I'd consider is that if your sister does know she may blow the whistle on you and it will look far worse than if you'd admitted to it yourself. Sure your parents may be disappointed but add hurt and possibly betrayal to the formula if they were to find out you tried it from someone other than yourself.

    I don't know your parents or what their like so it's really difficult for me to gauge how they'll react. You know them better than anyone so you should pr0lly ask yourself, would they be more upset if they heard it from you now or from you later as a result of hearing it from someone else first?
    My Daughter Rules!

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  15. #15
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    Re: Scared of my sister

    m0p-

    From the posts you have written, I am guessing your parents are a little on the conservative side. Remember that Duke is from Canada, so he and his people are going to be a little bit more liberal about the Mary Jane than most Americans are. Duke's advice isn't really a bad way to go, but there are other alternatives.

    You seem like you are a people pleaser in general and not at all a bad kid. I just wanted you to know that no matter what happens, your parents will always love you. You are not going to die from this and a few years past this point in your life, you may actually live to laugh about it.

    We ALL have done things in our youth that we are not proud of. I bet even your parents have at one time or another. They are human and only want you to live a beautiful life, even if they have to scare you into it. They're just doing their job as parents.

    As far as your sister goes, I probably shouldn't tell you what I would do to get even, so I won't. I'll hint... Rather than getting physical with her, there HAS to be a secret she is keeping that she doesn't want anyone else to know. Find it.

    *ahem*

    Anyway, sorry to cross the lines on the culturally different mindsets on the cheeba, but this is a typical American home from where I'm sitting. Scare tactics and evasive maneuvers are what is taught on how to keep your teen off drugs. Mary Jane is considered a gateway drug and is treated just the same as Cocaine here.

    m0p, don't be afraid of your parents.

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    Re: Scared of my sister

    Ivy and Duke have said some good things and I will only add a little. You said when your sister called she said SHE was smoking pot and wanted to let you know she would share with you. I don't think she will say anything to your parents. She is just as guilty and you could counter her accusations with that information. As for whether you tell them or not, that is up to you. If it bothers you so much, tell them and take your punishment. Otherwise, forget about it and stop worrying. You tried it once, big deal. It isn't like you sat around for months with these guys and puffed away all day. Parents know their children aren't perfect and are going to do things they wished they wouldn't. We might get angry but we can be much more understanding that you realize. I don't know your parents or how they are so you will have to guage it on your own. But pick on way or the other and then forget about it. Worrying about what might be is futile and doesn't do anyone any good.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  17. #17
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    Re: Scared of my sister

    @ Ivy, that's the reason I indicated that maybe I'm too liberal in my views because I know that not all families think this way.

    @Mo, just so you know, I tend to look a bit more toward honesty as the best policy hence my devil may care attitude towards how others perceive me. I do my best by those I care for and don't waste precious time on those who judge me hastily.

    This has helped me throughout life as I've never given into peer pressure nor have I ever marched to the beat of someone else's drum unless I was really digging the tune. I've never been much of a follower and relish in the fact that I'm me but not to piss people off, I do it because I shouldn't be afraid of who I am.

    I do understand what Ivy has said above but by my POV, scare tactics are just that, tactics used either to scare or by scared people. At the end of the day it's you who knows your parents the best so you'll have to give some thought to the pros and cons of all ideas put forward.

    Good luck.
    My Daughter Rules!

    Band of Others: Are you a Gamer looking for a home, look no more bro!

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