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  1. #1
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    How to get over an ex

    We've all had relationships where we've been the ones to end the relationship and times when we've been broken up with. Regardless of whether you were the "dumper" or the "dumpee" sometimes getting over an ex can prove difficult.

    What do you do to get over an ex? Do you find you suffer less if you've been the dumpee or the dumper?
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  2. #2
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    In my opinion the dumper suffers less. There may be some feelings of guilt but that isn't as bad as the pain of wanting the person still and knowing you can't have them anymore and that they no longer feel for you what they did before. If you are the dumper then you probably already had your emotions to the point where the pain can be more controlled since you were probably ready to move on anyway at that point. I guess it kind of depends on the reasons for it all too. Just giving you my feelings based on the way things have been for me.
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  3. #3
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    I agree with what The Lady had to say. I'd also like to add that I don't think you can do anything to help get over a break up situation other then to let time pass. The passage of time really is the only thing that seems to help. In the meantime, we just need to take care of ourselves in the way that's best for us.

  4. #4
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    The reason I asked is because for me it seems to be the exact opposite. If I've had 25 relationships over the course of my lifetime, I've been dumped in 2 of them. Neither of these 2 made any real difference and although the 2nd one was very difficult, it pales in comparison to 1 or 2 that I've dumped in my years.

    To this day I still think of one of my ex's that I really hurt and it's the hurt she felt that actually haunts me to this day. I know there's nothing I can do about it but that knowledge still doesn't help much either. Now in my case, this is a clear example of time actually doing more harm than good hence part of the reason for starting this topic.

    Of course I do agree that dumping may make moving on easier simply because it's likely you've already moved on to some degree but long term I begin to wonder?

    I guess the big question is that while time may heal all wounds, what can one do in the short term to start getting over an ex? Is it a matter of blocking emotion at some level and injecting logic or more a matter of giving into grieving in order to get it over with and then move forward, a combination of both or neither?
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  5. #5
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    I guess this is one of those things where there is no real good answer because everyone is different and everyone responds differently to different things. The reasons for the breakups, how it is done, who starts it, what happens afterward. All these things are different for each and every one of us. It is up to us to find what works for us. Maybe in your situation with the one ex where you say time is an enemy, finding her and apologizing in some fashion might help you. But it might hurt her all over again. Some things just can't be answered I guess. We can all share what worked or is working for us but it may not even be an option for someone else. JMHO.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  6. #6
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    To this day I still think of one of my ex's that I really hurt and it's the hurt she felt that actually haunts me to this day. I know there's nothing I can do about it but that knowledge still doesn't help much either. Now in my case, this is a clear example of time actually doing more harm than good hence part of the reason for starting this topic.
    If it's the girl I'm thinking of, I have tried everything I can think of to find her, too. I keep her in my Prayers and will never give up on finding her. She haunts me, too. I keep thinking of the last time I saw her and wish I had done more to stay in touch. I never thought her leaving our home, that she would just disappear.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


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  7. #7
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    Oh I think I just figured out my problem, I can't forget her because my mother won't let me forget, thanks ma

    The question is though, say someone close to you (perhaps a child even) gets their heart broken by someone they've been dating? What would you say to them to console them?
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  8. #8
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    Let me define a bad break up.

    You dump someone... They have a fit and cry hysterically, you feel like absolute crud. Anyone with a real heart empathizes with the other person and the feeling of *crud* gets much worse.

    Then you never see that person anymore (of course, you broke up). You miss a large part of that person's pain; the healing process. All you remember is the pain though and that gets burned into your brain. (like some sort of evil etch-a-sketch)

    I've been through the pain on both sides and me dumping definitely has the most *lasting* impact. I've been dumped and got over it. The ones I let go, I still wonder how they are and what I have done to them.

    I do not know how to get over it. I certainly do not want to ask them if it was ok for me to leave them and release them from my mind. Little thoughts still plague my mind from time to time and I cannot help/change it.

  9. #9
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    Quote Originally Posted by IR_Efrem View Post
    I've been through the pain on both sides and me dumping definitely has the most *lasting* impact. I've been dumped and got over it. The ones I let go, I still wonder how they are and what I have done to them.
    You and I really think similarly on a lot of things my friend, I'm simply not as articulate as you are at stating my point half the time.

    This really is my point in that being dumped leaves no questions about how the other person felt but dumping leaves all kinds of questions unanswered, possibly forever. I think the worse the situation was, the more it can possibly haunt you later in life.
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  10. #10
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    I've always thought the opposite. You articulate your thoughts much better than I do.

  11. #11
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    Well there you have it because I think the same way but only about you

    Man if we put our heads together we could really go...












    ...nowhere.
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  12. #12
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    Quote Originally Posted by Luba View Post
    To this day I still think of one of my ex's that I really hurt and it's the hurt she felt that actually haunts me to this day. I know there's nothing I can do about it but that knowledge still doesn't help much either. Now in my case, this is a clear example of time actually doing more harm than good hence part of the reason for starting this topic.
    If it's the girl I'm thinking of, I have tried everything I can think of to find her, too. I keep her in my Prayers and will never give up on finding her. She haunts me, too. I keep thinking of the last time I saw her and wish I had done more to stay in touch. I never thought her leaving our home, that she would just disappear.
    I don't know how serious you are about finding this person, but here is a link that has helped me find many, many lost friends over the years.

    Free People Search by ZabaSearch!

    Facebook is excellent too!

  13. #13
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    Quote Originally Posted by Duke View Post
    Oh I think I just figured out my problem, I can't forget her because my mother won't let me forget, thanks ma
    Hey, please don't blame me. I've been very careful not to mention her because I know how badly you feel and I just would never do that! I want to find her for how I felt about her myself, how much I loved her and related to her illness. I remember the last night she was here and I tucked her in with a bunch of stuffed animals around her. We both want to find her but for different reasons. How could we both have forgotten her last name? It's just about impossible to find anyone without the full name, even your friends I've contacted don't remember.

    The question is though, say someone close to you (perhaps a child even) gets their heart broken by someone they've been dating? What would you say to them to console them?
    I surely don't know; otherwise I would have been able to help you with this heartbreak.
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  14. #14
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    Unfortunately you can only find a person if you know their last name which I don't. In fact, I was such a jerk around this phase in my life, I hooked up with women that I didn't even know their first name.
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  15. #15
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    I've been the dumpee more than a dumper. I usually try to act very obnoxious until someone dumps me if I want out of the relationship. It hurts either way.

    I still swear that my 1st husband was an alien. I've never hated someone so bad in my life and I had to be the dumper in that relationship. Even with all the hatred I had for him, I still felt guilty and sometimes I still wonder if he's getting enough to eat, etc.

    I don't know if we ever really get over anyone. With time, the pain is a lot less than when it first happens, but I don't just forget anyone. (Even if I didn't know their name. Hehehehe...)

  16. #16
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    This is an interesting thread. I never really thought about it... I don't think I really was the 'breaker upper' in the past, but it's been so long, I don't really remember. I got married back in 1991, and didn't date much after my divorce. A few dates here and there before I met my sweetie - we've been married almost 3 years now.

    Anyway, I think one thing you can keep in mind is that most people move on after break-ups, even if it sometimes seems that they 'never' will at the beginning. Even if the 'dumpee' remembers and thinks about it, I'm sure he or she in each case "gets over it" eventually. I imagine if they didn't, they'd eventually try to contact you to see if there's any chance of getting back together.

    newstart

    P.S. I think the best things to say when consoling people are just things like "That's very sad" or "I'm available if you need to talk". The worst things to say are things like "you're better off". The person who is grieving anyone or anything needs to be allowed to have his or her emotions.

    I know this is a little off topic, but when I miscarried (a different kind of loss), the best thing anyone said to me was "I don't know what to say". It felt like that person was validating my feelings, and maybe even actually felt some of what I was feeling. The worst things were "It's God's Will - there was probably something wrong with the baby" and "God never gives us more than we can handle". The last thing I need when I'm overwhelmed with sadness is someone saying anything that makes me feel further from God.

  17. #17
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    Ivy rose, are you saying that evenyou ate your husband you still care for him? Is that true to all women? Thanks

  18. #18
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    I believe that there are a few important, separate stages, in making your way out of a relationship. The first one is to get used to not having them into your reality - like everyday stuff you'd do. It is important to have no contact and stay away as much as one can from familiar places, songs, people, food, smells, to acknowledge, intellectually, that it is over.

    The second phase - and the most dangerous one, I am afraid - is the one when one has to get over this other person, by himself/herself, inside. When one is all alone and there's no one around who can explain for the 100th time why this person wasn't good for them.

    Again, I would break it into two: first one must accept it's over. then one must accept that the fact that it's over is a good thing. Believe it. And then, after understanding it, he /she must go on accepting it - moving on emotionally. Letting it go. No more hopes. No more miracles. No more "maybe"s or "things can still work out".

    there there's the mourning. Ideally, one would have people around, socialize as I find it easier to get distracted. That's how I see things.

    Oh, and stuff like: I wonder if he has had enough food... nobody's problem. MOVE, you are wasting your time thinking.

    I believe women take longer to move on, but when they do, it's for read and for good. I think men try to move on faster, go out on dates, socialize, but don't necessarily deal with their emotions, with their losses.

    my 2 cents, anyway
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  19. #19
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    I don't think that is true for all women, Nest. Just like not all people believe in the death penalty. I happen to be one of those bleeding heart liberals that wonder how a mean person became so mean and still respect their right to live.

    So, just caring for someone I can't stand, doesn't make it all that great of an affair. I worry about Murderers on Death Row too. Even Hitler had some good qualities. Understand?



  20. #20
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    I think it is worse to be the dumpee, the dumper know's it's coming, and things are always a hair bit easier when you can prepare and are not blind sided. Either way it's not good feelings normally.

    I can't say i handle each situation the same bc they all differ.
    " To thy own self be true..."

  21. #21
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    yes, being the dumper or the dumpee matters, but not as much as it matters how involved these people are. In the end, you can be with someone, not necessarily be inlove, and then when they dump you, ok, it's bad, but it's not the end of the world.

    however, if you are with someone, are inlove and realize that they are not good for you, treat you poorly, and decide to end the relationship... it's tough. Because you're in there, because you care, because you know it's not working and you need to decide to cut it loose. And there is nothing you can possibly do to save it or make it better. can't change people, can't save them from themselves. All you can is give yourself time to come to terms with the situation, accept and let it go!
    the universe is made out of stories, not atoms

  22. #22
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    The more you talk about your ex, the more you will dwell in them.
    Move on, get busy doing something you are passionate about..
    Ex are suppose to be in the history book and not present.
    You will find someone better along the way... just move on. Don't focus on what has happened but build what you want to happen...

    Sincerely.

  23. #23
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    Quote Originally Posted by Kevin Dass View Post
    The more you talk about your ex, the more you will dwell in them.
    Move on, get busy doing something you are passionate about..
    Ex are suppose to be in the history book and not present.
    You will find someone better along the way... just move on. Don't focus on what has happened but build what you want to happen...

    Sincerely.
    If we were still giving out reputations, this post would certainly get mine.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


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    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  24. #24
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    100% agree, it just takes time.

  25. #25
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    Re: How to get over an ex

    Well said.

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