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  1. #1
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    Another sad story

    I have the perfect life. 3 beautiful kids, all getting straight a's in a great private school. I live in a beautiful house, have great friends. I have a beautiful, wonderful, loving wife, and we have already planned our 20th anniversary celebration for this Summer.

    And a week ago last Wednesday, it all ended. I learned that not only does she not want to be married to me any more, she has found someone else.

    I don't want to quit. I have said that I won't. Nothing has happened yet with this "other guy", but she has plans to meet him next month.

    Right now, I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. I love her, and I love my kids, and I realize my responsibility in all of this, but I'm not being given a chance.

    The answers are not on this forum. The solutions probably don't exist. But I could use some friends.

  2. #2
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    Re: Another sad story

    hello sdcollin,

    i was going to post a reply to my own posting on this, and read yours.

    i was kinda like in the same boat as you (you may wanna posts).

    i just wanted to say i know it hurts like crazy man, but the thing i've learned through this experience of mine is:

    1. the people here, the moderators, WILL give you the advice you need, they will give you THE best advice.

    2. as easy at it sounds you have to be strong. if it has ended, from my mind ,you must be stronger and i guess think of yourself and your children.

    i can only wish you the best my friend. just remember that are a strong person, eve if you feel weak.

    best and god bless man.

  3. #3
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    Re: Another sad story

    Welcome to LifeSupporters, sdcollin. Sorry to hear you are going through these horrible pains.

    Does your wife give any reasons, other than the other guy?

    Are the children in the know about what is going on? (Do they suspect something is going on?)

    Did your wife start legal procedures for divorce?



    I am just asking these questions to get a better understanding of your situation.
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  4. #4
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    Re: Another sad story

    First and foremost, thank you for the support. I could never imagine that something could hurt so badly. I'm realistic enough to know that I am not unique or special in my pain, nor that time won't make things at least somewhat better, but right now I just want to lie down, go to sleep, and never wake up.

    I could probably spend hours both on our history and on what has happened in the last two weeks, but in brief....

    Life before two weeks ago. My wife and I have been married almost 20 years, 3 kids, great life. We have had our occasional low spots, but never anything (at least I thought) that was relationship threatening. I adore her, and my kids, and have, will and would do anything to see them happy. And the crazy thing is, I thought she was the same way. She is an amazing woman...beautiful, accomplished, thoughtful, tender. She always made me feel special. We were one of "those couples" that held hands, and kissed each other as we walked down the street, and people liked to be around because we had such a great relationship. Or at least it seemed.

    Two weeks ago she went to a meeting for a few days. While she was gone, we spoke a bit on the phone, texted, etc. about how much we missed each other and couldn't wait to be back together. She returned, and was excited about the meeting and the future. A couple days later, I sat down at her computer and there was an email up from someone I didn't know. Without going into any details, she was already well on her way to finalizing plans to rendevous with this man. She told me a cover story about why she would be going to where he was, and when she finalized travel arrangements, I confronted her.

    There are things about this man that make no sense, and I ultimately think that "they" have very little chance of being together over the long term. In the end, though, his role in this is critical in only two ways (I will allow that I could be fooling myself, they could be together forever, but I may post later why I don't believe it to be true): One, he was the catalyst for this whole thing to blow up, and two, if she in fact makes this trip...I don't think I could ever consider us together again. In fact, I don't know what I will do.

    Now the come to Jesus part of this: There are no (or rare) one sided failures of marriage. What I have learned, should have known, and have come to terms with in the last two weeks is that I have some big improvements to make. I have over time caused her to grow distant and lose her passion for me by being and acting in ways that hurt her. It's not the core of who I am...I really do devote a huge amount of my soul to making her happy. However, I have been extremely hard and occasionally hurtful in parenting my son, and that hurts her deeply. I have rarely but CONSISTENTLY (meaning not often, but with some regularity) been a verbal bully. I have been controlling, especially about money (ironic because she is the primary breadwinner). And I have allowed myself to fall into the trap of not having enough of my own life, such as aggressively pursuing a career, and relying on her to some degree to define my life.

    I take ownership of these issues. The positive about each is that they are fixable, and they are fixable through improvement, not change. By that I mean, that each of the negatives doesn't really reflect who I am, or what I want. I believe that you cannot change who you are for your spouse and family, but that you can IMPROVE who you are. I am in counseling, have already begun goal setting and planning to make these improvements, as they are all good regardless.

    So where are we? It's so complicated. Our lives are very intertwined, and so while we are not staying at the house together we see each other often. We have not talked about divorce, but are talking about setting up a second household. She has told me that she is done. We are through. I told her that I still love her, and that I can't and won't give up. When we are together it feels bizarrely normal, but I know that her heart isn't there. But I believe I could be. There is so much good in our marriage, so much history, so much future. I have spent a great deal of time reading about this issue, and one of the things I see over and over is that because crisis like this forces people to not only really tackle their issues, but continue to work hard on their marriage forever, that marriages that survive usually are very strong, very happy, and very resilient. We could be those people.

    That is what I feel, and what I have to keep believing.

  5. #5
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    Re: Another sad story

    Something does not yet add up yet - and I don't mean that to criticise anyone. I am just trying to get a better understanding of your situation.

    How come she has made a final decision, without you having a clue that things were not going well in her estimation? With that I mean: Everybody has mistakes and shortcomings. And but few people are aware of them, without another person occassionally drawing attention to these. A marriage is a partnership; partners should be able to bring up such things, and discusss these things openly. As the whole thing surprised you quite a bit, it suggests there were issues in communication before you discovered about this rendez-vous.

    You say you have had control issues, with regards to money, and have been verbally abusive (on occassion) towards your wife. Is this smething she had brought up (m)any times before, or is this something that was brought up to you, when you confronted her?


    Not aggressively pursuing a career is not necessarily a bad thing. With children involved, life is complicated, because of care issues, added responsibilities etc.. In a way she may have defined your life, but that does not mean, that such a thing was a bad thing. It may have been a practical way of living your life, especially if she has a highly stressful competitive career.

    The children: how old are they? Since you describe your wife as the main breadwinner, how was the care arranged? Did the both of you work full-time, or did you share care responsibilities?

    I am just trying to figure out what may be going on in her mind.

    With regards to what is happening with this other guy, I think in part it may be fantasy over the real thing; when you first meet people you don't have to deal with all the shortcomings of a person, or are simply unaware of them. You don't have to deal with the conundrum of everyday life. And that can be a huge burden.

    It is a very positive step that you decided to go to counselling. Have you thought of asking your wife to consider the same? Not even necessary to "fix the marriage" (she may think it is a ploy to keep her in the marriage), but to address her issues as well.

    Just as it takes two people to make a marriage work, it usually takes two people (and I am not saying to judge, it is not my place to) for a marriage to fail: lack of communication, not coming up with solutions to problems within the relationships, lack of emotional investment in the relationships etc..
    The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

    Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

    The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

  6. #6
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    Re: Another sad story

    Wow, Vautrin has hit on some excellent points and I don't think I can add a single thing, other than to let you know that we are glad you found us and we are here for you to lean on in any way you need.

  7. #7
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    Re: Another sad story

    Quote Originally Posted by LovingSpirit View Post
    Wow, Vautrin has hit on some excellent points and I don't think I can add a single thing, other than to let you know that we are glad you found us and we are here for you to lean on in any way you need.
    And I can't, either, as LovingSpirit wrote this post beautifully! I will add: Welcome to Lifesupporters where there are many compassionate, caring, honest, helpful people that have come here because of difficult situations in their own lives and have found warmth, love, and acceptance here!
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  8. #8
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    Re: Another sad story

    Vautrin,

    I'll try to answer all the points as best as I can...

    First, and most critical, I absolutely should have been more aware of the problems, both what they were and how bad they hurt. She has definitely brought up most of the same issues in the past, and we have even been to marriage counseling before, although overtly for the reasons she brings up as why she is leaving.

    The challenge I have had in cluing is multiple. One is that I tend to be very literal, where she speaks in nuance. When I hear "always", I tend to interpret that as "always". It is different for her. I'm not placing blame on her because of that...I've known her a long time and one of the responsibilities I have as her husband is to try and understand how she communicates, even if it isn't the same as me.

    A second issue is that her messages have often been mixed. She not only treats me with a great deal of love and devotion (well, until recently) but she is very vocal about it. She regularly tells me that she could never be without me, never leave me, never be with anyone else, I am her rock, etc. Now to be honest, she has also in heated moment said that maybe we just couldn't be together, but in 19 years I would say that was 4, maybe 5 times, and every time was qualified later with the above. Again, I should have listened more clearly.

    The messages have been mixed re the career issue as well. When she would express her interest in having me do so, I would always be willing to take that on. In virtually every case (including just last week, after this all happened) she would back track and say that it just didn't make sense given our life. The demands of her career (and there are many) have meant that she carries a large burden. I have seen my role, esp as our children are fairly small, to pick up the slack not only traditionally female roles, but the male roles as well. Thus, I do most of the kid stuff, house stuff, but also all the financial stuff, the fix what's broken stuff, the sports with the kids....perhaps that's one of the challenges, I have spent so much time trying to pick up slack, I've lost a sense of my self. I could see how that would not be attractive. I dated a girl like that, and I get it, although in her case it was all about being selfish, not selfless. Put perhaps I am just trying to put a good spin on it.

    I agree with you about my role with the kids. There is no law that says Dad can't be the the go to parent for the kids AND a good husband. But those muddy waters can allow for other changes and perceptions to occur. I may not have lost my sense of being a man, but I may have lost her perception that I am.

    We both work from home, I do most of the "parenting", and also work in her business and have a small business of my own that I hope to grow.

    I hope you are right about the "other guy". I have come to grips with everything except that. If we are not destined to stay together, but it plays out only after we give it time and EFFORT, than so be it. But to bring a third party into this, esp. one who makes so little sense (trust me, that isn't just her husband talking), is breaking my heart. I want the decision to end our marriage to be about us...not someone else. It will still hurt, but at least I will have some sense of closure.

    I will be going to the same counselor next week, and she is seeing him as well. Not being there together, I don't know if there conversation is about her, me, "him", the kids, trying to stay together, trying to let me down easily. I could make myself crazy guessing.

    Anyway, my thoughts.

  9. #9
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    Re: Another sad story

    Welcome

    This is a very common pattern with couples, with the woman having emotionally disengaged for self protection at the point at which the man wakes up to what is actually happening.

    The reason why your wife may have given you what appeared to be mixed messages may have been because she also values what you had as much as you do and was desperately trying to keep the emotional connection alive, to tune in to the love she felt for you. Denial is not uncommon, no-one wants to go through this level of pain. It is telling that you say her heart isn't in it - that's just what it feels like and the feeling is quite intolerable, as though you are acting a part in someone else's life, going through the motions of being married.

    You say you haven't had a chance, but that may not be the way it seems to her - to her it may seem that you had many chances but that you didn't take them seriously until the damage was so great that she lost her way. If you have not already done so, it may help to explore with her why you did not act decisively sooner. It's also worth exploring why you were not able to communicate with each other, given that you felt so differently about the relationship. This would improve your shared understanding of your story which could either bring greater closure or be the foundation for regaining your connection, depending on what scope there is for reconciliation.

    I think from what you've said that you have already explored much of the history of why you are where you are in counselling. Have you communicated to her your acceptance of where you are at now (minus the other guy) and committment to deal with the issues in question? If not, please do so as it may give her hope.

    You're right, there are no easy solutions, all you can do continue to reassure her that you understand, that change is possble and that now you do know how she feels, it would be worth giving it more time before making an irrevocable step. I'd avoid making it sound like she is somehow remiss for not making the effort and focus instead on why she has so little hope. As you say, some couples do overcome problems like this, I hope you two find a way back from the brink. Meanwhile, your kids need you and it sounds like the relationship with your son is an issue. That would be a really good place to focus your desire for improvement - a relationship where you do still have a chance and can show that change is possible. Good luck

  10. #10
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    Re: Another sad story

    Welcome to Lifesupporters sdcollin. I am sorry I couldn't get on sooner. With my job I can't go to this sight when at work. I guess I can't add too much more than has already been posted. I am sorry you are here under such a painful reason. I hope things resolve to your satisfaction but you should prepare yourself for other outcomes. It will hurt if she doesn't come back but you will survive. I wish you the best of luck. Please keep us posted on your progress.
    The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost)

  11. #11
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    Re: Another sad story

    It feels a little sad, but I was hoping to see some more feedback. I feel very alone.

  12. #12
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    Re: Another sad story

    This isn't a busy site. The people here are genuinely interested in the welfare of every person who posts and will devote far more care and interest in their well being than is usual on the internet. They can help you through this difficult time, if you find you need the comfort of friends.

    You're not alone, sdcollin. Many of us here have experienced the pain of separation and felt that way too. While things are so uncertain for you, these feelings will last. But one way or another, changes will happen in your life and as you adjust to them and the pain eases, so will your feelings of loneliness. Please keep posting about how you are feeling, sdcollin. It really helps.

  13. #13
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    Re: Another sad story

    A second issue is that her messages have often been mixed. She not only treats me with a great deal of love and devotion (well, until recently) but she is very vocal about it. She regularly tells me that she could never be without me, never leave me, never be with anyone else, I am her rock, etc
    The above quote stands out to me SD. I am this way as well with my mate, however.......he does not reciprocate. I know he loves me and I know we work hard on our relationship, but he doesn't verbalize the same way I do. I miss this very much. I need this very much. I think it's not uncommon for men to not show emotions in the same way women do. Nonetheless......women need to hear it and need their men to reciprocate. So I'm wondering if you do or if this one thing may be the factor that is pushing her out the door. Whatcha think? Do you reciprocate your love in words and actions or do you just take it for granted that your wife feels loved because you feel the relationship is such a good one? Something to think about.

    From what you've said above, it sounds like you have taken on the role of househusband to a great degree. Nothing wrong with that if that works for your relationship and the for the good of the family. Not all couples are comfortable doing things this way and there is always some smart alek who will try to degrade the man and the relationship because of it. It sounds like your wife is TIRED of the routine and would like something different but sees that changing things up would lead to great impossitions.

    We both work from home, I do most of the "parenting", and also work in her business and have a small business of my own that I hope to grow.
    This sounds like an ideal situation in my eyes. It's not like she's an executive business woman who travels all over and has a tight schedule that causes you not to ever be together. It really sounds like you're giving 100%......even more. Can I ask what kind of business she runs from the home and how she even met this other man?

    Two weeks ago she went to a meeting for a few days. While she was gone, we spoke a bit on the phone, texted, etc. about how much we missed each other and couldn't wait to be back together. She returned, and was excited about the meeting and the future. A couple days later, I sat down at her computer and there was an email up from someone I didn't know. Without going into any details, she was already well on her way to finalizing plans to rendevous with this man. She told me a cover story about why she would be going to where he was, and when she finalized travel arrangements, I confronted her.
    Tell us more about this meeting she went to. Was it work related? If she works out of the home, then how so?

  14. #14
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    Re: Another sad story

    Quote Originally Posted by sdcollin View Post
    It feels a little sad, but I was hoping to see some more feedback. I feel very alone.
    I've read your posts several times and just wanted to think about what to say that can really help. We are a small community, but what we don't have in members we do have in a loving and caring heart.

    She hasn't asked for a divorce, so there is still hope. I feel, even beyond a divorce, there is always hope. In the lives of us humans, we have the Miracle of hope and change.

    I think maybe she just has lost hope in your marriage, and maybe it's up to you to help her find it again if you don't lose it yourself. Maybe your aim now is to keep gentle and open communication with her, asking her what she needed from you and what you needed from her. When you genuinely choose to try to make things better, she can't help but see that. It may take a lot of work on your part in her eyes. It's a two-way street. Talk to her gently and keep it to the topics, no recriminations.

    I'm going on being married 43 years to the man I LOVE more each day, and I'm STILL learning. There needs to be a lot of laughter, joy, and thinking of what the partner needs. If space is needed, space is given; if silence is needed, silence happens. If a problem happens, it needs to be talked about, listened to, and a solution comes where both partners are okay with it.

    Personally after these years of marriage I have learned some very important things. It's about adding to the marriage, not all about taking. I think we come together to make the most out of what could be a beautiful partnership, not for asking happiness from the other person. Happiness comes from within, and is spread to the partner and just adds a bonus to the marriage.

    I think just talking to her, seeing exactly what space she's in, and going from there; maybe like starting from scratch. Good luck, keep posting; you will find warmth, caring, and compassion here.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  15. #15
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    Re: Another sad story

    There needs to be a lot of laughter, joy, and thinking of what the partner needs.
    Yes indeedy! Good words of advice Luba!

  16. #16
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    Re: Another sad story

    Sorry to chime in so late sdcollin but my life this past week has been extremely hectic well beyond the norm. I'd like to re-iterate that this isn't the busiest site online but the members you find here genuinely care about one another so while you may be able to find busier interpersonal websites, I'm pretty sure you won't find many with this much heart.

    I've been watching this discussion since it's inception and have found both what you've stated and whats been asked very interesting. I don't think I can add much in the way of questions toward your relationship but that said, I do want to add one thing I've personally experienced in one relationship I had that knocked me for a loop.

    I was once engaged to this gal who I thought loved me dearly and according to her, she did. Unfortunately however, the beginning had her pretty much living through me and whenever I did something of a human nature it would affect her level of faith in me. It could be little things but even little things add up eventually and become one big thing sooner or later. Unfortunately, some people don't communicate these little things effectively enough (even though they think they do) and the fact you don't respond is some preconceived manner only ads to the hurt their already experiencing.

    At some point she started opening her mind to additional directions that she believed could influence her level of happiness. I should have realized this once we started relocating more and more frequently to areas that brought her "content" but I didn't. Eventually, content and peace of mind came from a new guy and there was nothing I could do about it regardless of how much I tried.

    Once we were split (I was given no choice) she moved on in a new and exciting direction that she felt would bring her the happiness that eluded her in our relationship. Of course when one is not truly happy within themselves there is no chance of them ever truly being happy for long in any environment. I look now at her life and she's got tons of responsibilities (something she had little to none of with me), she has to work (which she hates doing) and she's aging and losing the sex appeal she once had. Of course she's still a beautiful woman but the fact she's unable to find happiness from within tarnishes her outer appearance and it's only a matter of time before those around you take notice.

    Sorry I've gotten a bit off track here but I just wanted you to know that I agree marriage is a TEAM sport. In order for it to work, you have to make sure you work on communication to the point where you don't just talk about the issues, you understand them as well. The fact that these issues are coming to light for you now means there was something missing the whole time and not just from your side but from hers.
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  17. #17
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    Re: Another sad story

    I first of all want to thank u all for your support and good thoughts. Life has been very hectic the last couple of days, and I find myself sadder and more resigned every day. I wanted to post real quickly, and later talk about all of the thoughts the kind people who are on here have posted.

  18. #18
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    Re: Another sad story

    Quote Originally Posted by sdcollin View Post
    I first of all want to thank u all for your support and good thoughts. Life has been very hectic the last couple of days, and I find myself sadder and more resigned every day. I wanted to post real quickly, and later talk about all of the thoughts the kind people who are on here have posted.
    The sad truth is that life always gets in the way at some level. No worries though because we'll always be here for you.
    My Daughter Rules!

    Band of Others: Are you a Gamer looking for a home, look no more bro!

    Ofear.com: Confronting fears, phobias, and panic attacks, in a friendly online community.

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  19. #19
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    Re: Another sad story

    Quote Originally Posted by Duke View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by sdcollin View Post
    I first of all want to thank u all for your support and good thoughts. Life has been very hectic the last couple of days, and I find myself sadder and more resigned every day. I wanted to post real quickly, and later talk about all of the thoughts the kind people who are on here have posted.
    The sad truth is that life always gets in the way at some level. No worries though because we'll always be here for you.
    For sure; you are not alone as you have people here that really, really care!
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


  20. #20
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    Re: Another sad story

    So I have a few minutes while at home with the kids. Been here since Thursday while my wife stays with a mutual friend...the same place I have been staying actually.

    The time with the kids is bittersweet. I love them, and know that my first and foremost commitment is to them and their happiness and stability, but being with them reminds me of the family that is torn apart right now. I have actually tried to step back and truly think if this is what I am missing, as opposed to the pain being from missing my wife. What I realize is that while that the vision of my family, past present and future is part of the pain, that I truly, truly miss and love my wife. It is hard being strong for them, but I know that I need to, both for them and because strength is what my wife needs to see in me as well.

    I have continued to work every day on those things I committed to her, to my kids, and to myself. I know that those steps are all positive regardless of the outcome, and are the only real hope of saving my marriage. It's hard though, because right now I can barely do the basics, and the idea of actually taking concrete steps forward seems daunting when I can hardly help sliding backwards. Just got to keep taking baby steps.

    A couple questions that were left unanswered: The nature of the meeting, the specifics of our life....it was a business meeting, including not only people from her company, but from her industry. It was one of those people who she met. We both work out of our house, but her work takes her on travel quite often. With the precarious nature of our relationship (unbeknownst to me), it's probably surprising that this didn't happen earlier.

    I still firmly believe that we have potential for the future. The two challenges I have now are that she is not willing to work side by side on this, instead sitting back and waiting for me to make the improvements I have agreed to. The problem is, how does she even see those improvements? That being said, she has mentioned to not only me, but our kids and some mutual friends, that if those improvement occur she could see us together at some point. Perhaps just kind words, but I can hope

    The more immediate challenge I face is the upcoming trip to see this other man. As I mentioned before, regardless of the future for her and I, I cannot see a future for her and him, for a variety of reasons. And no, these are not just "cooked up" reasons to make myself feel better. The problem is, how do I ever get past it? Whether you call it a weakness or a strength, I have always been both jealous AND absolutely committed to fidelity, even when opportunities have presented themselves. I have never, ever been tempted, because I feel that it is wrong. At this point, I dread even having to see her during the holidays, because I don't think I can face her. And if I in fact am able to change her view of me, and this other relationship runs it's course, how do I ever feel for her again? I realize that we would not be the first couple to have this burden, but I can't imagine facing it.

    Anyway, got to get back to the kiddies and putting on a strong front. Any thoughts appreciated, especially about the last issue. If I could keep her from getting on that plane, I could face any outcome because if we fail, I tried, and if we succeed, we have a great future ahead of us. If she goes, I don't see happiness either way.

  21. #21
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    Re: Another sad story

    I can see why her meeting up with this other person would be tough on you, I think it would be on anyone. I think that if there's work to do then you should both focus on the work to be done so why on earth would anyone add another person (potentially) to the mix? Now a part of me wonders if this other person can negatively impact your future together simply through her developing feelings outside your marriage.

    While I do understand marital issues and the fact virtually all couples experience them, I do not understand how they can be worked out by adding other romantic or potential romantic interests to the mix? I can see why this has the potential to negatively impact your thoughts of the future with your wife because it would for most of us. Your wife has pointed out the problems and essentially given you an ultimatum to save your marriage; in the meantime however she's going to explore a new direction with someone else?

    I'm sorry my friend it doesn't matter how much it gets downplayed or blurred, your wife is doing more harm to the relationship than you ever could.
    My Daughter Rules!

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  22. #22
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
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    1,209

    Re: Another sad story

    Sorry that I have steered fairly clear of your situation here. I tend to be rather harsh with my viewpoint and certainly didn't want to offend you.

    You say that, if your wife meets this man, you can not see happiness with her in the future. Have you ever thought that maybe why your wife has separated from you is so that she can clear her conscience of any wrongdoing by meeting this other man? In her mind, you both are separated and she thinks that she will not feel bad during this meeting since you two are not officially really together.

    What she will probably find out is, regardless of where you two are sitting, she is going to reap some horrible guilt if she goes through with this meeting of the other man. Sometimes, all of us can get overly joyed when someone thinks we're perfect and we forget about consequences. If you both do decide to get back together, she will also struggle with happiness in the future. She just doesn't realize that yet.

    She is merely writing out a laundry list of problems in your marriage to clear her conscience. If she had done this previously to meeting someone of interest, all of your hard work and dedication to make your marriage work may have actually paid off. As it sits now, your wife is just too curious to stop the meeting with this other man because in her mind, she just has to answer the question, "What if?"

    Love has no logic or reason. Whether it is financially, physically, spiritually or otherwise not logical for her and this other man to work out, she just doesn't care and it just doesn't matter. She is going to have to take that step into the unknown and find out all of this for herself. If you step in and stop her, you will also have consequences. She will resent you for it. She will always blame you for any future hurdles in your marriage to come and possibly leave no matter what is said or done.

    It is hard watching a spouse go through this. Maybe her self-esteem is low right now for whatever reason. Maybe it's the excitement of someone new. No matter what the reason is, logic is completely out of the window right now and sadly, there is nothing you can do except to let her know that you love her no matter what.

    Loving someone unconditionally is extremely hard. Yes, that means even if she has less than desirable relations with this other man, you still love her and want her. I wouldn't go as far as fluffing a pillow for them and lighting candles, but a little tolerance goes a long way while your wife is going through this confusing path. You've just got to let her jump without going insane. I'm sorry, but I have found in my experiences that there is just no other way.

    Letting someone go is the hardest part of Love. If this is what she wants and she thinks it will make her happy, as hard as it is on you, you must think of her first. You may think this is selfish, stupid, inconsiderate, etc. It just doesn't matter. Until she is willing to stop this on her own, you can not stop her without major consequences and causing further damage to your relationship with her.

    Good luck coping with this. It is hard and something I hope you nor I never have to go through again. We're here to listen if you need to vent. Venting is good.

  23. #23
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
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    Re: Another sad story

    There has been one upside to all of this...I truly have found love and support among family and friends. And as trite as it may sound, I have truly found it here. The advice and insights have been balanced, and solid, and compassionate. AND you don't charge me 130 per hour. Thank you all. I think that in the end my love is strong enough to survive anything, the key will bento never use this as a weapon or leverage. Oh, and not exact revenge

    the next few weeks will be tough. Who's up for being leaned on?

  24. #24
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
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    Re: Another sad story

    Just keep it comin' and we'll do all we can to keep on top of it. I think it's important to keep conversing about difficult situations like this as it seems to bottle things up less than internalizing.
    My Daughter Rules!

    Band of Others: Are you a Gamer looking for a home, look no more bro!

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  25. #25
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
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    Re: Another sad story

    Quote Originally Posted by sdcollin View Post

    the next few weeks will be tough. Who's up for being leaned on?
    We're here for you, sdc; maybe with some varied opinions but always with caring, compassionate support.
    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.


    True love is wanting to give to another person without any thought about
    who’s getting the better of the deal.

    Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lie's man's only promise

    ~All quotes by Leo Buscaglia


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